The Phoenix Process

March of Time: Fear and Loathing

2011-11-21T11:31:00.000+11:00

I can’t believe it’s been over a year since I’ve had the chance to actually look to what I’ve been thinking and feeling. I honestly can’t believe it. If I’m being honest, I haven’t looked at my internal process with any sort of depth since July last year.

My god.

It’s a funny thing that bought me here, to be honest. At 10am on a Monday morning, I am sitting in my room trying to find the strength to work through the thousand thoughts racing through my brain. I suppose it’s telling that putting them down in this format seems to make them easier to understand.

I was sitting at my computer last night, wondering what I should be doing with my time. As usual, my creative energy petered out, uninspired about a quarter of the way through something I was enjoying, so I turned to the internet for something to do.

I’m not sure how I got onto it, but I got to thinking about gay themed movies and how I had seen a couple and wanted to watch something that would put me to sleep. I guess I wanted to wind down with a movie or something. I remember thinking that I’d never seen Brokeback Mountain, and that seeing as it was a classic that I’d download it and have a watch.

While I was waiting for it, I googled the top 50 gay movies of all time and had a read. Immediately a couple drew my attention and I downloaded them as well. Reading the synopsises made them sound a hundred times more interesting than a holywood vag fest, so I cancelled Brokeback and got down to two really amazing movies, Mysterious Skin and Latter Day.

I’m gonna skip forward a little. Those movies were profound. I adored them both and they both nearly made me cry for completely different reasons.

What I discovered, sitting in the heat of my room, was that I am completely removed from me as an emotional human being. I never consider my feelings and it’s a good day when I don’t even have to think about it. To be honest, life is a lot like painting by numbers. Green goes there, red goes here, smile there, get up and eat here, etc.

I have never sat to think about what it is that I am actually feeling. And I suppose the last of the two movies, Latter Day, really gave me a good push towards a tiny bit of introspection.

I’m absolutely lost. Honest truth.

The purpose of this post is not to make me feel wonderful again, nor is it to bleed on the blog. I’m so glad I am past the empty pep talks and emotional vomit that used to pollute this thing.

This post is an admission, in writing, by me, to me, that I am completely lost.

I know what I should be doing, and I know that the position that I am is an undesirable one that will lead to sorrow. I know what colours I need to paint to alleviate that sorrow. Make the picture look to all around that all is fine.

But what do I want? I spent so long burying what I wanted under smiles and handshakes and the necessary functional things a person has to do that I’ve completely lost my drive to live. As I am no longer naive enough to think no one will read that, please read the subtext rather than the literal. I am not necessarily suicidal, I just think my flame has gone out.

The flame to which I refer is that quintessential spark inside a person that makes them glow and paints their world in bright colour. It’s a wanky description, but that’s how I see some people. Some genuinely happy people are like that. I think I used to be like that. I hope I did. If this is all I have ever been, then damn, I really need to get a move on.

It’s funny. I’m such a strong and smart person. Conceited, I know, but true. Even dead like this, I knew something was wrong. Work, ever my retreat, was merely a bandaid cure for a larger issue, and my sub-conscious made me a hate a job that for all intents and purposes I think I really liked.

Even without the drive or self-awareness to see what was happening, I moved towards change, knowing that something had to give to give me the chance to sink or swim.

You know, I thought honestly that I had failed my STAT. It feels hollow when I say it, but I was so sure. I feel dead already, like I haven’t a talent in the world. That is so stupid. All I have to do is look behind me, see the proverbial footsteps in the sand, and realise that a stupid, talentless person couldn’t be where I am.

And yet, I am alone. It’s 10am and the medium which I need to pour my heart and soul to is the same damn blog that I’ve been using since I was 20.

Six years, six long, experience filled years, and I’m still as lost as I was when I was 20.

I’ve changed, grown, adapted to the thought of being a complete and utter wreck. I’ve accepted that I will be alone forever and just mentally moved on, setting my emotional self alight and never thinking about it again.

Every time someone brings up the topic, I smile and laugh and go “Oh, you!” and then skillfully (tactlessly) change the subject. It doesn’t make me think or give me pause. I treat it like a hello or a handshake, dismiss it out of hand and move on.

But I don’t move forward. I’ve realised I obviously don’t know how. I guess in a sense I feel a bit trapped by the whole situation I’m in. Every day of my life, I imagine what it would be like to be someone else, anyone else, so that I can escape the truth. I think I kind of hate myself.

Not sure I wanna go into that, because even writing it makes me sound a little crazy. I feel like someone with my talents and abilities should be doing great things. But I’m not. Anyone else would be able to do so much with this, and many many subsist on a lot less, and yet I languish in neutral.

I just don’t know where I go from here. All at once, my personal situation changes, I’m losing all my security and willingly going back to the hardest thing I have ever done. I’m going to be living with new people, coping with new study with no time and no money and I’m having trouble assigning any time to fix the myriad issues that stop me from being happy.

Yes, by allusion, I’ve said it. I know why I am not happy. Were I list person, I could spew forth a dot point list of five or six quantifiable definable issues that would need to be fixed for me to feel right about moving forward.

When I was younger, all of my time and energy went into my friends, I had no time for myself. A few years ago, my time went into my work and I had no time for myself. Now, I’m going into study again and the same predictable issue rears it’s head. No time for myself.

If I don’t have time for me, who does? Friends are moving on, even my core group is leaving. I resent them, all told, but wish them all the best. No malice in that, I envy the way in which they progress to the next stage of their lives, but I want them to be happy.

So I sit, in a field of black roses, midnight draped over me like a blanket, waiting for a dawn that may never come to show me a field of guilt and regret that I would have to work through bit by bit to even move forward.

Obscure analogy, but accurate. I’m not losing hope, I never really had that to begin with, and I’m not depressed, I’m far too removed to feel angry or sad about where I am. What I am, is disconnected. I hope that with some sleep and a rest, I will find some clarity again.

It’s funny though. I feel really really bad at the moment. Like I want to cry but if I did it would be fake. Like my own emotions are just a reaction to seeing people cry in the movie. Sad people cry, so to make this more melodramatic you should cry too, right?

But I just feel this general sense of malaise. This cloying feeling of sorrow, guilt and regret that spurs my words ever forward and feels like it’s not strong enough to be anything “true” or “real”.

You know what? I’d rather feel like this than not at all. This is an improvement. Feeling shit is an improvement. Heh. I really am fucking lost.

Nowhere to go but up right?

The Identity Adventure: Live and Learn

2010-08-21T00:23:00.001+10:00

So I guess I’ve been thinking about this on and off for a few days, but after the Laramie project tonight, it seems pretty pertinent to come and write it all down. I’ve had a lot of core beliefs and ideas challenged in the last few days and I wanted to discuss them with someone who understands. Namely myself.

A couple of nights ago, I was sitting up watching one of the series I have bought and on one of the cliffhanger episodes, I found out that one of the DVD’s in my set is missing. It bummed me out a bit, but we live in the age of technology right? So I decided I’d stream it off the net, seeing as I had already paid for a copy. While I was waiting I flicked onto Facebook and was checking out some peoples days and I found a post by someone asking the question “Why do we still live in a society where gay and straight rights are not equal"?'

A provocative statement on it’s own to be sure. My curiosity piqued, I decided to click the link to the group. I was waiting after all. I’m not usually curious or even interested in this sort of thing, but hey, I was waiting.

So the link loads up with the group and it’s ideals. I never once thought of joining that group either. I was just browsing. Anyways, looking at the wall, there were literally hundreds of messages of support for equality, enough to form a cacophony of voices about the topic. Those voices were not the ones that stood out. Typical of groups of that nature, a few flamers had literally started a war on the wall, defending the actions of intolerant people and in the worst cases, telling gay people in their space that they had no right to exist.

Particularly moving was one argument from a man of science stating that homosexuality was a deviance from the natural state of being, an affliction of body and mind that perverted the course set for humanity. He went on justify his and others hatred by stating that we we’re broken beings, derailed from a purpose we could never hope to achieve.

This hit me harder than I expected, if I’m being honest. Not just that man’s statement, but the few others. It got me thinking about exactly how much of myself I have kept under lock and key since realising all those years ago that I was gay. Just how much could I show a world not ready to tolerate me or willing to try to understand me?

I conquered that particular line of thought all too quickly, in the same way I deal with most of my issues. I simply went to sleep and got up the next day like nothing had happened. Honestly, nothing did. I had no revelation, no change of heart, nothing was lost. So I continued. Until tonight.

Although I had read the script for the Laramie Project before, I had never seen the play performed by people. I’m not empathic on paper, but portrayed as it was, the Project bit deep into already exposed wounds.

For those who do not have the benefit of the experience, the Laramie Project is a play focused around one of the most well known Gay hate crimes that was ever committed and shared across the world. While details are unnecessary, a young man, not too much younger than me was beaten and tortured to death for his orientation in country America.

So there are a few issues that I want to discuss.

Firstly, my opinion. I am an unfailingly open minded person, I feel. I try my best not to hold anything against anyone, trying to judge each individual person on their merits. Hate crimes of any nature are foreign to my thought process. I do not hate anyone or anything in this world, though it is arguable I have the right in some cases.

For two people to do what was done to that young man shocks me, but doesn’t surprise me. However, I found myself asking a question as the script played out in front of me that I never asked myself when I read it. If I was the one who got to make the choice, as the boys parents did, would I ask for the death sentence against the perpetrators? I’ve always leaned slightly towards being against the death penalty, although I am glad that I live in a country that does not support it. In that instance however, I just don’t know. Some things are irredeemable.

But I think on that. Perhaps the reason I believe that to be the case in this instance is because of how close I am to the situation. How resonant the story is to where I am in life. I’m still looking into that now. Moving on.

“Take one for the team”. I had that sentence invoked before me this week. In regards to being who I am and facing persecution so that other people that come after me will have it easier.

I’ve closely examined why I choose to live my life the way I do. My conclusion is that fundamentally, my reasons have remained the same throughout the years, with a few shifts of emphasis. I am scared of what could happen if I am open with people. I am scared of being hurt and losing my friends. I am scared that I will bring about suffering of my friends and family because of who I am.

But is that fear justified, or even based in fact? I weigh up all the possible information and my thoughts are that in fact, it’s circumstantial. I have stood like a sentinel for years in front of examples of me being hurt or losing a friend or hurting people I know because of who I am. I blindly recite the reason for my closed nature. I do not even feel it any more.

I feel like I’m reaching a point in my life where I need to re-evaluate that procedure. I don’t really think that means going and marching in the Mardi-Gras Parade or anything, hell, that’s just way to gay for me, but avoiding that aspect of myself isn’t healthy or smart, it’s self-destructive and dangerous. It might be time for me to let down a few walls and make some decisions about the sort of person I want to be to make the world I want to live in happen.

So no pink shirts or skinny leg jeans for me, as all that does is perpetuate a stereotype I do not at all fit into. However, maybe I’m the sort of person that can show people that gay people can be almost indistinguishable from any other person. Maybe I can show people that it doesn’t matter, that sexuality is a matter for the bedroom and nothing more.

Normal is a setting on a washing machine. I learned that lesson years ago. Maybe it’s time I pooled my considerable people skills and helped other people learn that as well.

I think I’m gonna go join that group now.

“I wanted to be scared again... I wanted to feel unsure again. That's the only way I learn, the only way I feel challenged.”

-Connie Chung

FallenPhoenix

Reality Check: Future Blues

2009-07-31T15:05:00.001+10:00

I’m not sure if anyone else has this problem, but as I’ve always been told I’m not a unique snowflake, I’m fairly sure this isn’t an isolated incident. I’m a giant knot of conflict kinda steam wrapped into a tall and extremely socially awkward person. Anyone who knows me will attest to that, but it’s funny, I’ve been thinking a lot about “the future” over the last few weeks and it’s got me thinking about a lot of different things.

Lets attack them in order of importance shall we. So we all know I’m a little bit confused about the direction I want to take the rest of my life. I’m still one of those people that could go into any field, and if you ask me tomorrow what career I want to pursue, I will answer the same way I would have when I was sixteen. I’m not sure. Now, it’s cute and somewhat understandable when a teenager tries to sell that to you. I mean, they are young right? They aren’t meant to know what they want to do with thier lives at this point.

Unfortunately, for both my friends and my family, it’s starting to wear a little thin, and admittedly, my own internal monologue is starting to pick at my excuses as well. Sadly, I’m not doing it just to annoy people. I am fairly serious when I say that I really don’t know. I have a strong grasp on the things I would be good at, but unfortunately, that’s actually a pretty broad spectrum, and that doesn’t help me much.

So here’s the plan, I’m headed up to Sydney at the end of the year to sit the UAC STAT test, which will give me an exact measure on what I can do, and that will allow me to pick from there. In the mean time, the focus is on putting away as much money as humanly possible so that I can ensure that if I do choose to go back to university, I can afford to do so.

Other aspects of my future have been creeping up on me a lot. Ironically, I was going back through my blog and found that my very last post was on how much I loved this town and how much of a connection I felt to it. That alone served as a potent reminder of exactly how fickle I am, because I feel like in six short months that connection is gone. I hate winter, I really do, and it does really nasty things to my moods, but this place has lost a lot of it’s fairy tale appeal for me nowadays.

I’ve been approached by several people of late with the intent of moving, and honestly, that doesn’t really appeal to me either. There are a lot of good idea’s being thrown into the mix, and that’s great, but my indecision is giving me pause. I don’t like making big life decisions when my mind isn’t made up. I’m usually a fairly decisive person, and to some who haven’t known me for a very long time, it might even look like I’ll make big decisions rashly.

Let me clear something up first. Yes, I am rash, and usually pretty decisive as well, but that’s usually because I’m very quick to make up my mind and form an opinion on matters of importance. That’s one of the consistent things about me and that throws things sharply in contrast when it doesn’t happen. Ironically, I think the idea of moving is something that really requires a great deal of though from me. I’m not going to be rushed into this, and I don’t care what anyone else says.

In more mundane news, I’ve almost entirely ceased writing, and that annoys me. I just don’t have a creative bone in my body of late. I can still pump out short stories for thirteenth, but that’s not the point. Not many people realise this, but I have written short stories and other random acts of creativity since I was young, and I used to be so proud of the work I could do. I just don’t have that spark anymore, and that’s actually been creeping up on me a while. I’m not really sure why, and in fact, I’m sure it’s a compilation of many different things, but that spark has gone and I want it back damn it.

For the rest of today, I have the following things in mind. I need to go shopping for a quality VCR. I’ve been inspired for a multimedia project or two, and I’d like the freedom such a tool will give me. Money is tight as usual, but I’m very keen to see if I can get one and get some idea’s on the road.

I also had a very good idea for a post on thirteenth, and that will very likely follow this post straight onto blogger. The idea came to me the other day at work, and although it’s probably been three days since then, I still haven’t gotten around to it. I even left myself an update on facebook just so I couldn’t back out of it.

I shall endeavour to complete that post haste.

“Remember that you are an actor in a drama of such sort as the Author chooses: if short, then in a short one; if long, then in a long one. If it be His pleasure that you should enact a poor man, or a cripple, or a ruler, or a private citizen, see that you act it well. For this is your business, to act well the given part. But to choose it belongs to Another.”

-Epictetus, Enchiridion 17

Defining Home: Winds of Summer

2008-12-14T02:22:00.001+11:00

Home.

It's a pretty broad concept, but a very specific one, depending on the context. In fact, one could broadly and yet with extreme accuracy describe Australia to be our collective home.

I drawn to the more intimate context of home in this post however, for as I was walking home from a night out with friends, I was confronted by the idea as I strode through the cold summer winds. I believe this city now to be my home.

Not in a geographical sense, I should make that clear from the outset. This place has been the place of my residence for seven long years, but tonight, for the first time since I moved here, I finally felt a kinship with the street and sounds of this city. I felt a connection. An important link being finally forged.

This city is my home. These streets, my home. I care what happens here, and I care what other people think of this place.

It's nice to feel a sense of kinship and belonging, and I think this bond will hold strong until I feel the need to migrate to the coast in years to come.

I still feel the call of the sea, deep within my blood, but for now, the crisp, calm current of the Murrumbidgee is enough for me.

Home is a place not only of strong affections, but of entire unreserve; it is life's undress rehearsal, its backroom, its dressing room.

-Harriet Beecher Stowe

Phoenix

Flickering Flames: Guttering in the Winter Wind

2008-07-17T07:00:00.001+10:00

I hate winter. Just thought that I'd bring that up before I get into anything heavy here. I will probably mention before I get too far into this piece that I've been sitting here on my own for far too long and I'm sharing this only because I feel that my friends have a right to know when something affects me as deeply as I have been affected this morning.

This is going to be mildly controversial, and I don't want anyone who actively reads this flowing to me with pity or even support. This is an affirmation piece. This is me working through my thoughts, hopes and dreams. This is me. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone with this, I really am, but my intention with this is to educate and illuminate. It is never to hurt.

I've never felt love. It's not as uncommon at this age as one might think, but to be honest, I've never been in a true, defined relationship to even give myself a chance of this happening. Whether this is the weather playing tricks with my head or not, I'm not sure. I'm not depressed. I know that much. I've been down that road before, more than once, and it had a certain feel to it each time it happened. Where I am at 6:30am on a Thursday morning is not depression, it's just a sad, cold realisation.

I will never let labels define who and what I am. However, in hindsight, failing to conform to labels in a general sense leaves me feeling fuzzy, vague and unspecific at this time.

As far as labels are concerned, I am gay. Stephanie and later Lynelle were exceptions, rather than the rule. I am not closed to women in a general sense, but both of these girls were special cases who broke that rule for me in specific ways for specific reasons. As all astute readers might point out, neither really worked for me relationship wise, though that had nothing to do with my preferences at the time.

My two closest friends are both moving on with thier lives, starting relationships and forming bonds with people outside our circle. Now, let me be the first to affirm my happiness for all of the involved parties. I think it was inevitable for us to part ways in this way eventually, and I am honestly and truly very happy for both Ned and Lynelle on thier relationships, budding or otherwise.

However, being around couples all the time, and in fact having the idea of couples so omnipresent all the time can leave one quite bitter at night. I have found myself thinking hurtful and angry thoughts about both Ned and Lynelle purely because they have something I do not. It's only envy speaking, of that I am sure, and I often have to control what I want to say to avoid playing the bitter old fag that I feel I am.

This goes deeper than Ned and Lynelle though. Jarrod is with someone who lights him up inside, a girl who makes him laugh and gives him strength. Seeing the two of them together really hit home for me. I have never had that connection with anyone in my life, and unless I start working to change things, I may never.

I am a strong, creative and passionate person. My will alone can give me strength and help me to fight any conflict or complication which happens to stand in my way. Even now, at one of my lower points, I know that tomorrow, I will wake up, shake my head, and get on with the things that need to be done. I am probably even strong enough to go through this life without the love of another person. I'm not one hundred percent sure about that part, but I think if life plays out that way, I could deal.

But I don't want to. I live for my friends. I live to be the person that helps, that cares and that comforts them in times of need. I live to be the one that people go to when they are hurt, sad or tired, to just hang with and be supportive.

Recently, however, I find myself wishing there was somewhere I could go at the end of a day and just curl up and feel safe. Constantly feeling like you are at war with the world for your very survival is tiring, and even more so when you have to shoulder the burden yourself. I don't want to have to be strong all the time. I want to be able to let down my guard with someone, to take them in and to feel safe with them.

I want to need someone. I want to feel the beautiful, desperate vulnerability of requited love.

Even now, I look over to my bed and see it cold and empty. But this is about so much more than sex. It isn't all about that orgasm at the end of a great night of sex anymore. I don't think it ever was. I have inherited a potent sex drive from my mother, for sure, and I think for a very long time I was confusing sex and love. I felt that the only way to really love someone was to show that to them physically.

Yet my complete emotional repression got me thinking. When Ned, Nell and I first started to get close, I remember having a conversation with them about how physical affection was awkward for me. Things like hugging and kissing and any sort of physically comfortable situations were foreign to me and in truth used to make me extremely uncomfortable.

Yet, despite that, I was completely fine with sex as a means of affection. I was confident, and even slightly dominant in the bedroom. I was in control and was at complete ease.

So why the discrepancy? Simple. I guess I used sex and sexual acts to compensate for a lack of actual feeling, and saw hugging and kissing as almost taboo.

The truth. Lynelle was the first person I ever kissed... Girlie, that's why I flipped out so much in my loungeroom down in the flat. That was the first time I had ever been kissed by anyone in my life for real. Can you remember how it nearly overwhelmed me?

I have only ever been kissed by two people in my entire life, yet I have slept with dozens. It tells me that my motives, goals and values were more than a little skewed and I got a lot of things wrong growing up, but we all make mistakes growing up and I have too solid a head on my shoulders for that alone to get me down.

I feel like this has just been an open discussion about my sex life, and that was not it's intention. I really hope that what I was trying to convey in this piece is not entirely lost to the scandal I have painted for you all.

I am so proud of myself. I am going to realise my dream and bring Questing to the world. I am a strong and vibrant person, I am a good friend and a kind, creative and compassionate soul. I know this, and yet...

I don't want to have to weather this alone.

I don't think it's the fear of being alone specifically which is the inspiration for this post. I know it contributed, but I think it's more than that.

In a reference that will only truly be grasped by a single reader of this journal, I have this to say: I want for someone to one day be able to complete the entire puzzle, and while I have given each and every one of you many pieces on this day, there is one piece that I cannot give to anyone who reads this. It will remain incomplete.

By the gods above, I pray with every fibre of my being that it will not be forever...

"Are you ready to cut off your head and place your foot on it? If so, come; Love awaits you! Love is not grown in a garden, nor sold in the marketplace; whether you are a king or a servant, the price is your head, and nothing less. Yes, the cost of the elixir of love is your head! Do you hesitate? O miser, It is cheap at that price!"

-Abu Hamid Al-Ghazzali

FallenPhoenix

One Thousand Memories: An Ode to Homebase

2008-04-16T05:31:00.001+10:00

Homebase is gone. I mean not in the typical sense of the word, but the house which I grew up in, the only house that I've ever really called Home no longer belongs to our family.

The most depressing reality in this situation was the fact that I only got twenty-four hours to say my goodbyes to a life time of memories, and trust me when I tell you that that was way too far away from not enough.

I'm going to share some of the memories of my childhood and teenage years with you in slideshow form, just to give meaning to what would otherwise be meaningless words.

This is homebase, with the sign which says that it is being sold for auction. The tree that is just off left of the shot has a lot of memories for me. I was always a little bitter that my backyard never had any trees in it, and was kinda attached to this one. When I was waiting for friends parents or visitors to come and pick me up, I'd wait under that tree, rain, hail or shine, summer, winter or some other combination that Leeton could throw at us.

The front yard was never big for me, save that I had to wash the car there a lot, and always on the days that sucked the most. My grandfather would always make me do it on the days where the sun was touching the ground and the cement had turn to hellspawned lava, and Nan always had a talent for having cold water on days when the air had frozen and there was no possible way to wash the car and still stay dry.

Remember my thirteenth birthday party Jassi. That started an era. My grandmother had just put down new carpet and we went and put wax all through it. You freaked the shit out of Jarrod that night, and I've never had more fun with stiff.... sticks. I believe it was a blue bottle with a spirit in it which caused the commotion that night.

Some of my fondest memories of this house come from here. I remember sitting in the leather lounge chair in the middle of winter curled up in my doona watching some wrestling pay per view with Bubba curled up at my feet like a good cat.... dog... >> Whatever, he owned me.

I remember having to try to explain to my grandmother why there was a tremendous dint in the television after Jess and Jarrod played chasies in my living room.

I remember Jezabel finally overthrowing the Tyranny of Seralina in one of my most amazing roleplaying masterpieces of all time.

The back veranda was what made my house interesting. I remember thinking for the longest time that I would move out to this room when I was old enough. Yeah, cause that would have been heaps private.

This room was always so busy in the house. Here, I learned how to first play a Nintendo, back in 1993. I nearly returned my most precious pet the night I bought him home because we sat him under the pool table and he cried for almost the entire night. I learned how to play Warhammer out here, and had countless birthday lunches on the pool table which we later sold.

As we moved the pool table out to Carters, I practiced my martial arts out here, and had some heart wrenching conversations on the phone. This was truly the busiest room in our house. The multi-purpose arena and my den until I moved downstairs.

My baby bedroom. This was my bedroom for most of my primary school life. This nightmare period of my life was spent constantly seeking my grandparents approval and battling clinical depression. Two very dark periods in my life happened in this room, and I can still feel dark energy and negativity within these walls.

My very first computer got set up here, and all the board games for which I was so famous when I actually got friends were kept in the cupboards in this room. We only just got rid of all of them recently, with my grandmother giving them to Bayden Hulme across the street, as a way of connecting he and his mother. This is exactly what those games did for me and my grandmother, so it seems very fitting.

As I made the move from St. Josephs to St. Francis, so to did I make the move from the smallest room in the house to the next up. I have so many memories in this room that they are hard to list. I'll try.

I remember being introduced to the wonders of the internet in 1997, during the very brief trip to Leeton that my mother made back then. It was her who introduced me to the net, and I'll have to thank her for that the next time I see her.

My life changed in this room on so many occasions. I remember fighting through the end of my junior high school life and struggling every night not to hate myself for the trouble I caused at that school.

I remember Jessica putting her ass through my computer table, and then my bed just messing around and then being able to blame it on me because my grandfather had a soft spot for her.

I remember being safe in this space, despite the turmoil going on around me, and I remember that it was here that I pulled my sinking mind out of the fire and really set it to work. A great deal of the intellect I am afforded today comes from the darkest periods of my life.

Year 11 came around and as James got married and moved to Canberra, an opportunity arose. I asked for the flat at the start of my preliminary HSC, and my grandparents spent a great deal of money making this place livable for me.

It was down in this room that I found out that my grandfather had cancer.

I remember the first night I ever stayed downstairs. I was barely 17, and scared out of my mind. Something was making the most horrendous noises just outside my window and I can remember only falling asleep that night with the thought that I was going to die and at least they'd do it in my sleep.

That possum and I had many conversations over the next 6 years, and every person without fail who ever spent a single night under my roof ended up asking about it.

Subsequently, the flat became my space. From the onset of the HSC to the present day, it has been the one place I have considered a sanctuary from anyone. I could be myself in this space like no other, and I feel it's loss most profoundly. I went through two serious relationships within these walls, and will have memories of the time spent in the flat for the rest of my life.

I remember playing Warhammer on the floor of the kitchen, for lack of anywhere better to play. It sucked, but we had games there, and that was that.

I remember Taco completing his twenty temple challenge in my kitchen, much to his and everyone else's surprise.

I remember the pink light.

I remember the sun rising on me the day after graduation with my grandmother yelling at me from outside my room to get up. I remember extricating myself from my sheets thinking I knew what a hangover was and trying to work out what I was going to do with the rest of my life.

I remember singing for the first time in front of someone on purpose for my university audition, and I remember surprising them and myself.

I remember light and warmth.

I remember an evil stove trying desperately to kill Ned and I one night in the bitter cold.

I vaguely remember something about Nutella.

The best years of my life played out in these walls, and I cried bitterly that one night I was home alone to reflect on it all.

In a little corner of the back wall, I have written:

"I once was here, I now am not. May these walls serve you as they have me".

Despite what you may think, I was more of an outside kid in my childhood than many of you realise. For many years I trained very avidly on that trampoline, and only when disaster struck did I scale back my interest in it. Still, this backyard has some amazing memories for me as well.

Jessica and I used to come out here of a summer evening and do our homework and quest. The legacy of Titania, and the game which I will one day share with the world was forged on lazy summer days with my cousin in this yard. I remember telling Jessica in this yard the day my world fell to pieces in 2000, and I remember her gently telling me I deserved it, which I agreed to.

I remember ten fantastic birthdays thrown for me by my grandparents with all the people they could muster. I was surrounded with people as a kid, whether to mask the idea that I made friends slowly or not, I won't ever know, but it was with good reason.

I remember my grandfathers funeral feeling so surreal in this yard. I was so numb but Jarrod, Jess and Ned bought some colour back into the world that day. It rained so hard that day, one year into the drought we still languor in, and it was freezing.

I remember the UWF, Sailor Sun, and saving the world in my mind one hundred times over. My imagination grew out of the phantasms of this place, and I hope they linger for years to come to inspire the new inhabitants of this place.

The view from my trampoline of an evening. This was the place that I would collapse after an hour or two of jumping and just stare at the stars, the clouds or the sky, depending on the time of day.

My grandmother used to panic seeing me out here all silent and alone, especially wearing just my usual inside clothes in the middle of winter, but it was my chance to be alone and think right through from the day I first got the trampoline to the day I started working at BP.

The night I went home, I took the chance to marvel at the sight of the sky from my back yard, a sight I'll never see again.

Almost every day without fail, I would lie here after jumping and just think. It was that time that kept me sane, I honestly believe that.

T. B. C. A. P. U.

I wish it was.

The sun has set on the cradle of my mind and my life. I am rapidly approaching the end of what can be considered the best years of our lives and I find myself wondering if I'll ever really have a homebase again.

It's hard to tell at this point.

46 Currawang Ave, I will miss you.

I feel like one of the few anchors left in my life is gone, and when my grandmother finally succumbs to old age, my only tie to my hometown will vanish for ever.

"Ideologies separate us. Dreams and anguish bring us together."

-Eugene Ionesco

FallenPhoenix

Reflections in Broken Glass: The Personality Paradigm

2008-03-11T10:50:00.002+11:00

I had a dream last night. It was a dream about Dan. It was nice and sensual and most of all, it was warm. I'm not going into the details of it, thats not important. I can already hear at least one of you out there going "Oh my God, I thought you were over him", and the short answer is, I am, but experiences that we shared together changed who I am as person, and that is what this post is all about.

I awoke from this dream at about 5am this morning and was almost overcome with the profoundest sense of loss and self-doubt. Had I done everything I could have with that relationship and all the other relationships I'd lost. Had I traveled forward at all since I left school. Would I?

It has taken me until about 11am, just as I should be getting ready for work to see that every emotionally challenging period of my life has taught me something and made me stronger. Yes, I know, in an esoteric sense, I already knew this. I knew it had made me stronger, but on actually thinking about, I can pinpoint what I learned, who or what I learned it from and how that actually effects me as a person, which is all pretty amazing.

Now kiddies, I warn you, some of the stuff in here is sensitive and pointed. Don't stress. Contextually, this all has already happened, and I don't hate anyone in this world.

My mother taught me to be wary of those whom I trust. When the subject of my mother comes up, I usually either trash her or try in vain to justify what she did, depending on my mood. Despite anything I say, she betrayed me in the worst way. I know the circumstances surrounding her leaving me with my grandparents, and in a way I'm thankful for that, but I will always consider her absence in my life as the ultimate form of betrayal.

Simon and Nick, my two closest friends in primary school taught me never to get too comfortable in my surroundings and to always be on the look out for betrayal. One of the only images that sticks in my head from primary school is Simon picking up a stick on some random day in Year Five and said "If this stick is how much we like you..." and then broke the stick. It makes no sense to me now, but I think everyone gets what he means and I understood perfectly back then. Those two just dropped me, and for almost a year, I had no friends whatsoever. My entire year group would groan when I entered a room, and I would spend entire lunchtimes sitting in front of the staffroom reading to escape.

Jassi, Guillaume and David taught me humility and to rebel against the power of peer pressure when ever I could. I remember a conversation Jassi and I had in my room pretty early in Year 10 where my "contract of friendship" with the group was terminated effective immediately. I remember asking Jassi, 'What do you expect me to do now?" and him replying as he walked out my front door, "You know, I don't really care!". That stung, but I realised what I realise now. It didn't hurt as much as the first time. Still, I suffered yet more at the hands of my classmates, which hardened my shell considerably and doubtlessly me made me a stronger person both mentally and spiritually. Jessica, my dear cousin, lent me a great deal of strength in those difficult months, and I could NOT have done it without her.

Daniel... Dan taught me to fear love, respect love, and when at all possible, flee love. I know that sounds terrible and I really don't blame him all that much. In fact, I don't believe that he ever loved me. I don't claim to know what love is, but I think I got somewhere pretty close with that boy. He hurt me tremendously, but I do understand why. Love is powerful and uncontrollable. It is to be feared, respected and admired. To those who give their lives to love, I salute you, but could not stand where you stand.

Tamsin Skye. Tam reiterated that human beings have the infinite capacity to surprise you. She taught me that no friendship is invincible and that the more you trust someone, the more painful it is when they inevitably betray you. Her strange betrayal which confuses me to this day left me distraught for a very long time. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her, which is a testament to how close we were, but I am so unbearably angry at her as well. I cried over her loss. Not one of the people reading this will understand how monumental that is. I actually cried over you. How dare you! I will always harbor suspicion and wariness of my closest friends because of you. Admittedly, there is still a bond between us, frayed as it is. I have not written off the chance of a resurrection of our story, but I find it highly unlikely.

These are just a few of the reasons I am why I am. I am closed and unconnected, distant and cold, I've been cut and rejected, despite all that I've told. Within me is anger, behind me is pain, but I look to the future and from this I gain, a valuable insight into stories untold, these experiences guide me until I grow old.

Blessed be my friends, I am not easy to be around, so thank you for being yourselves and trying anyway.

"The results of life are uncalculated and uncalculable. The years teach much which the days never know. The persons who compose our company, converse, and come and go, and design and execute many things, and somewhat comes of it all, but an unlooked for result. The individual is always mistaken. He designed many things, and drew in other persons as coadjutors, quarrelled with some or all, blundered much, and something is done; all are a little advanced, but the individual is always mistaken. It turns out somewhat new, and very unlike what he promised himself"

-Ralph Waldo Emerson, Essays "Experience"

FallenPhoenix

Taste of Blood: The History Remix

2007-06-17T17:47:00.000+10:00

Hmm, my posting on here has become rather... sporadic. However, I had a pretty good weekend, and I can write about it, and I want to write about it, so I probably should write about it now.

Ok, so the background is as so. Jess was coming to Leeton for the weekend to see my grandmother for her 70th and to go to a 21st, so she decided to swing by and pick me up on the Thursday. This account goes from Thursday evening to the present.

Thursdays trip home was interesting. Jessica makes unbelievable time with that car of hers, moving almost suspiciously quickly for someone I couldn't catch speeding for a second. Still, I had to endure a few cigarette flavoured moments during that trip which wasn't my favourite moment of the weekend, but I can deal I guess. We got back to Leeton early, bought chocolates and smokes (great combination) and went and saw Nan. It was nice to get to actually see her on her birthday. After that, we went into town to find some food and managed to get fish chips for dinner. The lady at the store was really nice and gave us tonnes of free stuff because she was about to close. I was really happy about that. Unfortunately, it wasn't very good. Still, it was a nice night. We both retired early.

Friday was kinda fun-filled. I got up heaps early for a haircut and went into town. There seems to be little pulses of life creeping thier way back into my hometown and I'm thankful for it. Perhaps the rain helped to wash away a lot of the negativity which was drowning the place. I'm sure I've read somewhere that it can have that effect. Still, it had a nicer atmosphere than last time. Haircut polished off, I travelled back home to my usual morning hangout for breakfast, the Gralee store, only to find that it's closing permanently in two weeks. That was a big blow. That store has been around for my entire life, and I've grown up with it's wares. Every day we bought our bread and milk from there, and I would always get lollies and ice creams there as a kid.

I struggled with some memories of the place for a while, managed to connect to a very strong sense memory in the place, an ability that is getting stronger and stronger for me. It took a long time to leave that store.

Headed home after about two hours up the street and at the store and my dear sweet cousin was still snoring. So I managed to get fed and have a great convo with Nan before she finally unearthed with a charming fifteen hours sleep. Still, we travelled over to Narranderra later in the day, and I was unceremoniously dumped in the park (not entirely true, but creative embellishment is a wonderful thing) for about an hour while Jess went off to visit a sick friend. We then visited reles for the rest of the day and headed home for our first of two birthday dinners.

The Friday dinner was the low-point of my weekend. The food was fantastic, but I spent the entire night playing punching bag for my family as they enjoyed several jokes at my expense. To further that, they then immersed themselves in some of the most horribly racial conversations while we struggled over an ill-prepared birthday cake. Jess and I left early and I had another early night in total disgust.

Saturday picked things up considerably. I spent the most of the day with Iain, as Jess had to study for some impronouncable exam. I had a great day with Iain and bade him farewell to prepare for the second dinner of my weekend.

Saturdays dinner was equal top for my weekend. I prefer family friends over family one hundred percent of the time, and I was not dissapointed by the dinner that we had. I was entertained by the two Carter girls for the evening in various ways and really enjoyed myself. We went to the Soldiers club after dinner for some gambling, and I was once again inundated by smoke. I did however have a great time putting $3 through the pokies and winning absolutely nothing. In other news, I did manage to see an old school friend who is getting married and actually managed to be nice to her, a feat that Victoria picked up on and commented on how fake it was. Made me laugh that did.

Still after a night of music critiquing, bad gambling and lots of smoke, I travelled home feeling like my weekend was done. Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong.

I was treated to a nearly spiritual experiance upon my arrival home and managed to lose almost six hours quite happily. Interesting evening it was, to be perfectly honest. I'm just looking forward to the end of the year, in so many ways.

Still, I returned home in the early morning, with far less sleep than everyone seemed to think I'd had and am now sitting here with a stupid grin on my face, despite the horrible cold. Nell's just posted and I'm lazy, so I'ma find a quote and sign off.

"When making a decision of minor importance, I have always found it advantageous to consider all the pros and cons. In vital matters, however, such as the choice of a mate or a profession, the decision should come from the unconscious, from somewhere within ourselves. In the important decisions of personal life, we should be governed, I think, by the deep inner needs of our nature."

-Sigmund Freud

FallenPhoenix

Ritual of Rebirth: The Chocolate Score

2007-04-07T21:45:00.000+10:00

Okey dokey folkies. It's been a long while since I've posted on here and as usual it's not for lack of anything to write about. Quite the contrary actually, I've been that bloody busy with work, uni and other, that I've been too busy to write it all down. Now, as a result I'm going to miss about half of the stuff thats happened since the last time that I posted here purely because I don't have any way to remember everything. In any case, I will endeavour to try to include as much as I can muster. Here goes.

Since my last post one of the major things that I can say has changed is that we lost one housemate and gained another. Ned moved on shortly after I returned from Queensland and was replaced by Christian. The energy in the house has changed and it's something that everyone involved is still sort of getting used to. Hopefully we'll all find a happy medium soon enough and things will start to feel a little less strained. Time will tell.

Wrok has been progressing frightfully quickly and frightfully often. I bitched at my boss one to many times at my last staff meeting about how our inventorying system was stupid and have been given the task of doing the inventory for the entire bloody store. I really put my foot in it with that one, because it means that I get a permanent shift every sunday forever. I'm working on having that moved so that it doesn't bar me from ever returning home, but I can't hold my breath. Bossman seemed entirely pleased at the dismay on my face when he announced that, so I don't think it's going to be going anywhere soon.

University proceeds smoothly, although a new opportunity presented by one of my new lecturers this term has seen a slight change in focus for me. I've always been interested in studying psychology as part of my studies of education, but it was recently bought to my attention that education is now a focal point for the science of psychology itself. Furthermore, the growing field of Educational Psychology is becoming increasingly needed in the Australian Educational climate. If that didn't sell me, nothing else would have. With a slight change of focus, I'll be cramming in as many psych subjects as I can physically muster with the last part of my degree, finishing with a Bachelor of Arts/Bachelor of Teaching. After that, I'm aiming to do an honours year in Psychology and then study Psych in the workforce for two years before becoming a qualified Educational Psychologist. It's the dream for the moment and it's so very possible. So qualified. ^^

Anyways. Onto economics. Due to the new set up in the house, I recently reached out with the money that I have to buy myself yet another computer, bringing the total that I own to three (and the total that I have financed over the last 12 months to three, though not the same three). My new computer is literally shiny and wonderful with it's wonderfulness. I wub it so. Hmmm, that reminds me, it's very silent in here. Musik plez!!

Lastly for the moment, I went and actually auditioned for Australian Idol this year. They decided to go to Wagga and I am pleased to say that I decided to audition. Pleased in one sense anyway. Of course I didn't get in, but the atmosphere on the day was amazing. There was so much talent and so much music everywhere. On the day, three people got through that I saw and I was about halfway through. There was a lot of waiting, as is the usual for the competiton. I got to see Dicko off camera, and he's not nearly as scary as people seem to think. Nell got hugged and massaged by Ronald McDonald. And not just any Ronald, it was THE Ronald McDonald. The one from the ads. She and Ronald are an item now, he even asked her out. Oh, Nell, darling, I do have photo evidence of the whole thing as well. Bwahahaha!

Anyways, for now, I'm spending Easter alone. It's becoming a nasty habit. This is the first year that I've missed both Christmas and Easter with the family. I feel a big gap growing between myself and my family. Not my grandmother obviously, but everyone else. It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't honestly know my family well, because it usually appear as if I'm on the outside of my family looking in, and thats often correct. But my connection with any of them, even James and Jess, has been wearing thin. I think in part that it's my doing, and I think I know why as well, but it's something I'm going to have to internally explore before I discuss in too much length here.

My easter wish this year is that every gets in contact with one family member that they used to be close to once upon a time and just see how they are going. Off you go now folks, I'm about to do the same.

When age chills the blood, when our pleasures are past--
For years fleet away with the wings of the dove--
The dearest remembrance will still be the last,
Our sweetest memorial the first kiss of love.

-George Gordon Byron

FallenPhoenix

Annex of Gold: Truth in the Sea

2007-02-17T21:39:00.000+11:00

Well I sit here in the Gold Coast terminal on Lynelle’s laptop, trying to type and listen to music at the same time so that I can get a post typed out before I actually leave the sunshine state. I think I’ve really managed to enjoy myself for the first time in a long time. This holiday was one that I needed to go on, and one that I think I’ve really enjoyed I think. The first few days were a little laborious, having to basically babysit two elderly women as we wandered around the Goldcoast, but I believe that I managed to savage a portion of my independence on the last couple of days that I was here and got some really quality time alone with myself.

The day that we got here it was raining, and I found myself thinking that this was pretty much typical of my luck. I figured that I got myself up here to the Gold Coast only to see the rain that we were so desperate for up home. The resort actually looked a lot different to what I expected it to, and was really nice, which figured, because I figured that with it raining the entire time I was going to miss out on it. I saw that the surf was less than a minutes walk from my room and I think that only sort of bought the depressing reality home. I was crammed into a fairly small room with two middle aged women, one who was probably slightly under my intelligence and the other was nearing dotage and this was not going to turn out well.

We arrived late on the Monday and as night fell we were caught in a massive tropical rainstorm, one which washed through the entire Gold Coast. During that storm, I felt a lot of the negativity of the trip leave me, being washed away with more rain than I’d seen in a long time. I think that was when I realized that this trip had a spin on it that I was as yet unaware of.

The next day we caught up with one of my grandmothers friends friends, another elderly woman who when I first saw her just looked like an ultra-modern version of my grandmother. I wrote her off almost immediately because we had been window shopping for an eternity in the largest shopping complex in the southern hemisphere. I wasn’t in the mood for another old woman. The day continued with little interest, looking in a variety of shops that were far too expensive to even consider. I believe by the end of the day I was about ready to pawn my legs to the Russians for a few dollars.

On the trip home, the new lady surprised me by commenting out of the blue that Mercury was in retrograde this week and she had managed to stuff up some tickets because her organizational skills were out as a result. She then proceeded to give my grandmother a run down on the elemental houses of astrology, something that rattled me a bit. This was yet another sign that my holiday had a purpose, but another one that I completely ignored.

Wednesday saw a trip to one of the theme parks of the Gold Coast, Sea World. Theme parks are a lot of fun when your not babysitting older people and that became an issue as all they wanted to do was look at the shops and the occasional show. I don’t think I did much more during that day other than follow around two old ladies who really couldn’t have been bothered doing too much of anything.

Thursday bought financial independence, and what a difference that made. I was pleased with the fact that I had some money to my name, but this was marred by the fact that we were taken to Movie World by the new lady again. She gave me a really interesting lecture on the state of the Solar System at the moment and seemed really surprised when I expressed interest and knowledge in what she was talking about. I found out at that stage that she was a lecturer on Astrology at Griffith University here on Main Beach, and was extremely knowledgeable on these things.

Movie World sucked so hard, everything was closed, but I had a decent time. The one ride that was open was extremely deceptive, and was an indoor rollercoaster which took you through dark passages with rave lights, it was really quite impressive. My grandmother nearly got attacked by this Lebanese dude who wanted to pick a fight and the new lady mouthed off at him for being rude. I got there just before there was a major altercation and luckily for me he was kind weedy and backed off. It wouldn’t have mattered I swear, if he had lifted a hand like it looked like he was going to, I’d probably be in jail right now.

Thursday night marked the beginning of my holiday. We went over to Joanne’s parents place for afternoon tea and I was pleased to find that Jo’s dad was probably the most intelligent man that I had encountered in a long time. We talked for about an hour while the ladies did their thing and covered all the topics under the sun. Apparently he hadn’t had so good a talk for a long time and was pleased that I could keep up with him, which made me laugh a little. It was good.

Thursday night, when we got back to the resort, I had this insatiable urge to go to the beach. The sun hadn’t quite gone down and although my grandmother said that she wanted to go with, she chose not to. I spent almost an hour down by the beach, just hanging with myself and taking some really lovely photos. I also managed to get some Krispy Kreme donuts to eat and made a really lovely call to Jassi, which was oh so much fun. Unfortunately for him, the couple of donuts that I saved were found later by a hungry bunch of older people.

The next day was really good, Friday, my last day on the coast. We had a lovely breakfast at the resort and then went into town. I had a number of plans for the town trip but Nan quashed them all and made me stay with them so that they wouldn’t get lost. Luckily for me, she let me stay in town, when, after an hour, they both decided that there was little there for them to do. I got to do a bit of my own brand of window shopping, and went to a museum and the beach. It was really nice. Independence is a wonderful thing.

As soon as I got home I managed to convince them that I needed to get to the beach and even though it was really stormy, off to the beach I went. It was amazing. I spent almost three hours up in the foot hills between the beach and the resort on a profoundly internal journey that was instigated by a single black crow, which kept leading me down twisting paths in the sand dropping feathers that were far too old to be it’s own. A moving ceremony on the beach after this ordeal made the entire trip worthwhile and I waved a lot of things goodbye. I returned to the room tired and fulfilled.

Unfortunately, I made a blunder, we were going out to dinner Friday night with my grandmothers friends family. The blunder stemmed from the fact that out on that quest on the beach, I had completely written off my shoes. I had only bought a pair down and my grandmother was having a fit because it was nearly evening and we weren’t near any shops. A little bit of quick thinking saw me buy a pair of promotional flip-flops from the shop upstairs and I added these cumbersome footwear to my arsenal.

Meeting Dixie’s family was a real treat. Her son, Rowan, was a nice enough guy, but his wife Tracy and I hit it off immediately. We talked more or less non-stop through dinner and right up to the time they dropped us off at the airport. In any case, we’ve been called for boarding, so I have to go for now. I’ll see ya’ll in New South Wales.

Ok, so I’m flying out over the country of New South Wales as I write this next part and I have to say that just having the opportunity to do this is pretty special. To be able to look up from the screen and realize that I’m actually thousands of kilometers in the air is amazing.

Today has been pretty heavy. I woke up early, something like 7am or something and immediately went straight for the each so that I could see it all before I left. My grandmother and I both trekked out there by about 7:30am, before my morning shower or anything of the sort. I was bleary eyed and quiet, and we intercepted a staff member from the resort just as we were getting to the beach who informed us that the entire beach was totally infested with poisonous blue-bottled jellyfish. I was wearing said flip-flops from the night before and I just looked at her and went “great”. Unfortunately, the staff member was not lying and the corpses of the spastic little creatures that live their entire life to kill other species on this planet just littered the beach. I mean, humans really already have the monopoly on that job, so give up. I mean god.

In any case folks, that’s been my holiday in a nutshell. I’m coming back to a very different home than I left and I’m now moving forward with an intensely positive attitude. Now, before you go getting a big head Jassi, this is not the epiphany that you were talking about when I called you on the beach with donut in hand, this is something that was gifted to me by another source, one very special.

Such is the way of things. Bring on 2007 I say, there is a lot to be done at the moment, and I’m really ready for it. I learned a lot last year, and it’s time to apply it all to the year ahead of me. I’ve got to learn from the years behind me, or all this extra time is for naught.

Take care all, we’ll see you all soon.

My god the view is truly amazing up here.

"There is no drop of water in the ocean, not even in the deepest parts of the abyss, that does not
know and respond to the mysterious forces that create the tide."
-Rachel Carson

FallenPhoenix

From the Ashes: The New Dawn Trilogy

2006-11-16T07:03:00.000+11:00

Well folks, it's been a very long time since I've posted on this site, or any other for that matter. For the first time in a long time I'm getting to be very busy. Not in a bad way either, just a good kind of busy, a hectic kind of busy where everything I'm doing has both a purpose and a meaning in my life. It's the type of busy I could get used to.

So I now have a job working at the BP across the road. I'm into my first week of non-training shifts and I like it quite a lot. It's the type of job where I get a lot of work to do over the course of a 6 hour shift and I get to do it at my own pace unsupervised. I like it, and it pays pretty well. Centrelink are writing me hate mail over it, but nobody really cares what those idiots say now do they.

I'm writing this after a surprise graveyard shift (12am-6am) so people will forgive any dislexia caused by randomness.

I've been giving my life a good thinking about over the past few months. I've had a look at where I am, where I want to be and where I am headed and found that once again, all of those tracks end up at different places. My life this year has been... well... mixed... It's been a day to day existence, a plethora of moods, swelling from excrutiatingly happy to downright depressed at times. On some deep thinking, the career path I've chosen, teaching, mightn't be right for me, but I'll get to that in a moment, and looking at myself in ten years time makes me want to cry... Once again, I'll elaborate in a bit.

All in all it's been a hectic couple of months, but the improvements that I've been wroughting along the way are actually all beginning to manifest at the moment.

For starters, I've fallen in with a new group of friends that I've met through the Events Management at the library. They are fantastic, and I'm proud to call all of them friends of mine. I have a strong feeling that at least some of them are likely to be lasting friendships as well.

Secondly, doing all this work with Kids and with Youth Events during the past year has made me realise that while I have a real talent for teaching, I dont really wanna be doing that in five years time. On discussing this with both my grandmother and a couple of careers advisors out at the university, I managed to realise that a degree in Social Work will allow me to work with the youth of the country here in Australia while I am young and I can return to teaching them when I get a little older. It makes sense in a nutshell and I explain things better in person anyway.

I just lost about 50% of the post because my computer hates people... so I'm going to go to bed. I'll try and remember what I posted when I live again, which wont be for a while, but please, all of you stay safe and be well.

"When you get in a tight place and everything goes against you, until it
seems as if you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that
is just the place and time when the tide will turn."

-Harriet Beecher Stowe

FallenPhoenix

Trivial Little Games: Not Changing My Name

2006-07-11T10:03:00.000+10:00

I loved this little game so much that I stole it. Thats all thats going to be in the post. Have fun folks, this is great ^^.

01.. Post a list of up to 20 books/movies/anime/T.V. shows/video games/etc. that you've had an obsessive fannish love of at some time in your life.

02.. Have your friends list guess your favourite character from each item.Righto.

01. Lufia- SNES
02. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
03. Dragonball Z
04. Sailor Moon - English Translation Version
05. The Elenium and Tamulii Series - David and Leigh Eddings
06. Stormfront - Online Story
07. E.R -All Seasons
08. Zelda: Ocarina of Time
09. Questing - The Game We all know and Love.
10. StarGate SG1
11. The Belgaraid and Mallorean Series - David and Leigh Eddings
12. X-Men - Comic Books Versions
13. X-men - Movie Version
14. Ragnarok iRo - Yes darling, it does count.
15. Mario Bros 2 - NES
16. Matthew Figures It Out - Online Story
17. Arjuna
18. Soul Calibur 2 & 3
19. Tekken 5 & Tag
20. Lord of the Rings Movies

Ok folks, I'll post the answers in about a month or so. I love this idea, thankyou herbeautifuldespair.

FallenPhoenix

Limit Break: End of the Fuse

2006-07-08T06:02:00.000+10:00

My my, isn't this going to be fucking interesting.

Ok, so we know right from the outset that this is not going to be one of those hearty posts full of light and goodness. Congratuations if you've worked this out so far, I'm impressed.

Lets just say that I'm going to reveal some unceretain truths to all those people that have been stoicly watching this space to hear a little bit about whats going on in my life. For once, I figure, I might as well be completely honest with the folks out there that seem to actually want to know what the hell is going on. I'm not entirely sure that all of you are going to want to hear this, and I'm sure that some of you will make more sense out of this than others, but thats going to have to be enough for now. There's a lot to say, and while, for a change I don't have limited time to say it, this will be relatively brief.

Lets just say that the giant combination lock that is my self-control actually broke today, and as much as certain people will likely want to blame themselves for it, there was no single incident which made this the case. It was a combination, a *gropes for words* cocktail, if you will, of fucked up little peices which made the whole thing that much sweeter.

I would very much like to go through this and just word vomit, letting everyone know exactly what is in my mind, exactly what is going on to make me want to laugh and cry, scream and whisper all at the same time. Luckily for several people that read this, and more than that who don't, I'm not going to go into the gory little details. I'll even give you a reason for this, and it's even true. First and foremost, I hate confrontations, and I guarun-damn-tee that me going and blurting everything is going to cause more than a few. Secondly, while my self-control has been eroded to the point where I am comfortable actually telling the truth on my own fucking blog (who'd have guessed, what a crazy idea), my common sense is quite intact, so I'll not be mentioning things which will get me in trouble. Well... that might not be entirely true, but we'll see... nothing... life changing...

I make such a big deal about trying to help my friends, and I act so mature and all fucking high and mighty all the time, and guess what folks, it's all an act. I've been here at uni for the better part of four years and I can count the number of subjects I have successfully completed in this time on one and a half hands. I can talk my way out of a pit, but even my excuses have started to run a little thin. Granted that some of the reasons that I used were once upon a time completely legitimate, now, they are complete and utter bullshit. I've done a lot of soul searching over the past month or so, and anyone who knows me will tell me straight out that thats generally a bad idea. Any time I am left to my own devices, I generally end up a quivering mess who cannot seem to recall how he got there... I'm not quivering yet, and I know where I am at for now, so we are in no danger at this present time.

So my uni life is floundering. We have that down. Understood. Excellent. Next point. My last relationship was with a 16yr old guy, which ended almost a year and a half ago. I have had chances for relationships almost 5 times since then, yet I feel more or less entirely alone now, and have since I left my last relationship. Now, lets have a look at why I turned down all of these potential relationships. Was it because of the fact that I didn't feel the same way about the people who were doing the asking? In some of those cases, yes. Was it because the people asking were too far away to make a relationship feasible? In some cases, once again yes. Overeall however, was it because I've been pining over a relationship I keep trying to tell myself I know isn't going to happen. Yeah, I'd say thats a fairly good part of each of those.

Ok, so I need to get out more. Despite my failure here at uni, I've been away from home almost four years, and thats fantastic. One would suggest perhaps that I would have met some new friends while I have been over here, some new people that I could hang out with and perhaps connect with. I can tell you now that I have not met a single person during my university life whom I have conversed with more than I absolutely had to. Now, this could be because I have a personality which is incompatible with everyone else at Charles Sturt, but I am willing to bet that this is probably not the case. I'll put money to the fact that I am scared to go out and socialise for some unknown reason. Yes, yes there it is, I am actually scared to go out and socialise. Alcohol plays a part but not always, and I can't link it to every situation where I have felt the feeling I usually do. I have spent the last four years trying to tell myself that it was the alcohol which made me want to stay away from people I didn't know, but I think it runs far deeper than this.

Now, lets get something straight as I continue to ramble. I'm going to post this as is, and I'm not going to read over it before hand. I want you to know that I have not been drinking, I am not on drugs and my mood has not been altered in any way, be it magical or mundane.

Moving on, I want to try and explore a little, if I may, the reason why I seem so uncomfortable in situations like this. It could very well be something I am entirely missing, but I feel an intense lack of control whenever I am in a situation where there are people I don't know. I have gone out of my way since high-school to surround myself with people I thought I could trust, and when situations arise where I cannot trust people I seize up. I am hopelessly inept at rectifying the situation as well. I just completely freeze up and flee the situation in question, usually completely unconvincingly. One would then hazard an imperceptive guess that perhaps this made me feel better by leaving these situations, but I often feel much much worse, leaving them feeling weak, stupid and completely useless. I appear so stronhg and so stubborn, trying desperately at times to show that I stand for what people believe to be my beliefs, but in actuality, standing for some of the things that I invest myself in comes sometimes out of a need to prove that I am standing for something rather than out of actual conviction. I'm not going into examples, my mind is racing too fast for that.

Basically at the moment, I see myself in a giant wrought-iron cage, with bars thin enough to see out of but no room to squeeze through. Do you people see me as a happy person, someone who has fun and is confident and smart and relatively secure in thier future. It's interesting isn't it, looking at it now and seeing how trapped I at least feel, if not appear. The most fun I have had in the longest time came with the summing up of the Re:Generate festival, which turned out to be a large success. I put a lot of heart and a lot of work into that festival, and the success that was granted to me was actually a really nice feeling. I had fun. It was nice. In the end however, I turned even that against me, in the silent war which is my mind, and it became a flash of colour in a sea of black. How droll.

Another thing I want to get perfectly clear right from the outset. I have been to see professional help for the amount of mental stress I have placed myself under. I am not depressed, and I thank the Lord and Lady for that. Depression to me seems so languid, almost like drowning in tar. I'm sure somewhere inside of me lurks the power to break through everything which is going on inside my head. I'm sure that I and I alone have this power, this potential energy brimming inside of me, I just need to find a key right.

I'm not depressed, because I have hope for the future, and I know it rests wholly and solely in my hand.

You know, I've done so many things over the last six months that I swore I would never do. In a fit of passion, and not the kind that everyone is thinking, I actually did harm to myself this semester. I cut my own skin with a razorblade, and I watched as my own lifeblood trickled down my arm. I did this several times over the course of three days. The people that know that this happened believed that I did this in a state of non-chalance, a pleasant cushion of black. Not so. If any colour featured in my head at that stage, it was red. I did it out of anger, rage and hate. Directed at myself mostly. It gets more interesting however. I promised myself that I would never harm myself in this way, and in the end, I know now why I did it. It was because of the promise that I made myself. I broke it because I have broken many promises to myself and I figured at the time that one more would hardly be an issue. I did it to spite myself, and it worked.

Luckily for me, my mind is an intensely powerful tool, and I have both read and seen that self-harm can be an addictive practice. I have felt the pull of the razor that I tried desperately to give away at the time many times over the course of the last three months, but I have done what I needed to do with it, and finally made peace with it this evening.

The razor is back in my possession, but I've dealt with why I used it, and I know now, in the core of my being, that it will never be used again.

I have no scars to show the promise I broke, I was too careful for that. You know, thats actually slightly dissapointing, sitting here. I feel like I've ripped myself off almost. No matter, whats done is done.

In the end, I want this post to achieve one thing and one thing only, and that is to highlight something to all you people who feel that what has been going on in my posts was all that was going on. I know for the majority most of you knew there was stuff bubbling beneath the surface. Congrats on the pick up, but I couldn't have explained it then. For some of you, this might come as a complete shock, I don't even really apologise. Pay more attention to whats being said, the signs are all there if you pay enough attention.

Having said that, the Phoenix Process begins again, reborn with it's original intention, to be a space where I can explode my feelings onto the page without issue. A place where I can come to bitch, to whine, to talk, to cry, to laugh, to shout, to congratulate, to love, to hate, and to be me.

Let my world burn to the ground for all I care. I know I'll still be here when the smoke clears. I can survive on my own, but thats an awfully lonely prospect. In the words of a good friend of mine.

Let us see where this takes us...

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."
-Confucius

FallenPhoenix

Heart of Fantasy: Dreams of Success

2006-07-05T20:13:00.000+10:00

So, i decided I'd do a post right now and I'm not entirely sure why. I'm exceptionally tired at the moment, and it's all because the D&D workshops for the Regenerate Youth Festival here in Wagga have been a stunning success. I'm happy to say that everything seems to be going relatively well, and although tommorow marks the last day of the workshops, I think we'll get some genuine interest out of it all.

Having said that, as usual, all is not rosy in my world at the moment. Basically, I'm sick of fighting battles against shadows. Thats the thought running through my head at this time, and I dont really have the energy or the inclination to explain it. Those of you who understand my thought patterns, and you know who you are, are likely, you'll know what I mean.

Man I just feel like leaving this at the couple of meager paragraphs that I've cooked up and just go and find some place warm to drool, but I don't really have the luxury at the moment. Tommorows big session starts late, and if I go to bed now, I wont really be ready for it. Again, you have to be in my head to understand that, though I think I already explained that to one of you.

Oh, on a random note, the Phoenix Sub-Column thingie is being discontinued. The more I look at it, the more I think it's a wanky idea that I can't be bothered upkeeping. I'm not interested in my own issues, so I wouldn't expect any of you to have more than perhaps a passing interest in any of mine. Your all welcome to continue to dechiper my names, because, yes, they all still have meaning.

On a random note, Jarrod shows promise (give it like six years >.<) and Ben needs to take 100mg of humility before he can make any sort of useful DM.

Yeah I'm done now...

"All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses
of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of
the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to
make them possible."
-Thomas Edward Lawrence (of Arabia)

FallenPhoenix

Shadows Coil: Winter Storms

2006-06-18T23:31:00.000+10:00

Ok, so it's been way too long since I last posted here. I have been missing in action for an entire term, and I assure you it's not without good reason. It's been a turbulent couple of months for me, and it's all I can do to keep myself from giving up this site entirely. I've been exceptionally busy without getting anything done at all, and it's starting to show in my efforts to achieve even the smallest goal I set myself... this is however a little far forward in the story, so lets start at the beginning.

Since Matty came over, I've been struggling with a few truths, revelations and injustices. You'll all have to guess at what I mean by any of that because one of the disadvantages of posting now is that I can't stay long. I can however post now, and thats important seeing as I have missed out for a long time.

Winter is when my personality slows down the most, and I become very reclusive, preferring not to stray too far from the nest so to speak. I did a lot of damage throughout the formative months to quite a few friendships in leiu of a couple of others, and it's showing in my weaker months. I didn't do enough throughout my summer and autumn session and it shows. I feel oike this year is starting to slip away from me and I don't want that to happen. I'm gonna have to pull my finger out in my least comfortable time of the year. I have little option, and even less desire to do the opposite, so I guess I've lumped myself with an unfortable situation and it is well and truly up to me to make the most of what I have left.

Moving on, I have a six week break now, and I have to get my life in order as soon as I possibly can. Once upon a time, I was told I couldn't help anyone if I'm broken myself and while I'm not exactly broken, and am still a long way off to be honest, I don't wanna end up ending up like that, if it makes sense...

Now, I'm kinda done for the day. I'll try and get back on here and post alter, because this is still dismally short, but I'll try and get back to it. I'm just letting all you folks out there in net land that I'm not dead.

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the
children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is not safer in the
long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or
nothing."

-Helen Keller,
Let Us Have Faith, 1940

FallenPhoenix

Puzzled Pieces: Winter Storms

2006-06-01T01:19:00.000+10:00

Ok folks, I know I've been slack recently with my posting, but in all, seriousness, I really haven't had the time. Even now, all I really have time for is this quiz and then I have to go. I'm cold and want to watch a movie. So here is a innane little update I scored from Lynelle. I'll write more on this post a little later, I have lots to update.

1. Who do you see the most often? Lyenlle and Ned are my roomies, but as far as friends go, The Jas-Man.

2 Who are you closest with? Ned and Nell are very close to me, but my original circle holds a special place in my heart.

3. Who has the best sense of style? Jassi has the best sense of style for sure.

4. If you were in a sticky situation who would you want to be in with? Probably Jassi, he'd make an assasintation attempt funny.

5. Who is the biggest animal lover? Nells probably, has a horse spirit that girl does.

6. Who's posts do you always read? Nells is about the only one I can attempt to keep current with, I just don't have the time to be mass netting anymore, and even with Nells I don't really read as often as I should.

7. Who has the nicest smile? Jarrod has a smile which would lead most people to distraction, there is so much evil in it too, very captivating.

8. Who makes you laugh the most? I can always count on Jassi to make my day a little brighter, I am always laughing with him, it's a great quality dude, keep it up.

9. Who are you most alike? I am a unique snowflake. I see parts of myself in Jess, but thats another story.

10. Who are you most unlike? Probably Nell, she and I are worlds apart sometimes, it's a fascinating viewpoint though.

11. Who shares similar values? Nell and I have fairly close morals.

12. If you were stranded on a desert island who would it be with? Definately Nells, it'd be hot, and she'd wanna take off her clothes and swim in the deep blue sea... mmmmm.

13. Who is most adventurous? Jassi, surrpisingly enough, would have to be among my most adventurous friends. He has a "always try it once" sort of way of living. Between the two of us, we have a five mile scouting radius around the uni, that was a great two years we spent out there dude...

14. Who is the most conservative? I don't do conservative friends, it's just not gonna work with a bisexual witch who supports stem cell research, abortion and the death penalty in certain situations...

15. Who is the most liberal? Hmmm, probably Ned, usually cause he just doesn't care that much about anything.

16. Who is the best looking? Well, based entirely on physicality, I'd have to say Jarrod has definately got the fuck off hotness factor, and if I had to pick any girl I know, I'd have to say that Jagdeep and Nells are both very close. I don't care what you say girly, your very attractive, usually when your not trying.

17: Who's wardrobe do you want to steal? Jarrod's for sure, but I don't think anything that he has would look nearly as good on me.

18: Who's closest with thier family? Probably Nells, she'd do anything for her mum and brother.

19: Who's the biggest party animal? Prolly Jarrod, he's out and about all the time, tho less often than he used to be.

20: Who do you think would take a bullet for you? Nells would for sure, and I think Jarrod would probably consider it as well.

21: Who would you take a bullet for? In true me style, it would be situation dependant. I'd like to say everyone I've mentioned here, but that may not be the case. Probably everyone here though, depending on why they were being shot.

22: Who has the best sense of humour? Jassi and I have very similar senses of humour, who else would laugh at the image of me shattering a womans window as she drove by, then strangling her while she swerved and hit a tree. *wipes tears away* Good times.

23: Who was the last person to call you? J.D, to tell me petrol had gotten more expensive in the city. Not as random as you'd think...

24: Who is the most likely to become famous? Probably Jassi, he'll rule the world one day, a little slice of Zelda for everyone.

25: Who do you think is the smartest? Jarrod is real world smart, Ned is book-smart.

26: Who is the cutest? Cute... Nells... for sure.

27: Who has got the coolest possesions? Jarrod.. I love his Vigicam

28: Who is the easiest to get along with? Jassi, for sure. We never fight for long.

29: Who is the most funky? For true funk, I'd have to say Christian, but then I didn't know him when I actually started this post, mind you, I'm sticking to this response.

30: Who do you consider like a brother or sister? Ned and Nells, most definately.

31: Who would you like to see win a million dollars? *checks rules* Damn, well, Ned or Nells could use the money, but it is likely I'd say Nells so she could help her mommy.
32: Who would make the best parent? ...

33: Who is your favourite to party with? Nells, cause we both have similar views on what to do and what not to do at parties.

34: Who is the best dancer? Nells for sure, that girl really knows how to move.

35: Who is the most talented? Probably Owen, that boy can cook up a storm of ideas in the time it takes me to dredge half a dozen.

36: Who is the most insightful? Definately Nells, she's a wise wise girl.

37: Who would be most likely to go sky diving? Ned, and I intend to get him to come with one day.

38: Who can talk their way out of most anything? Well, apart from myself, Ned can, jusat by not saying anything at all XP.

39: Who is the most modest? Modest, probably Cailin, that girl is so like "OMG, I'm so ugly". Pfft, sorry love, your wrong.

:Current:

Current mood: Neutral

Current music: The Most Beautiful Place "Kate DeAraugo"

Current taste: Coke, but chippies is coming.

Current hair: Messy black, I didn't brush it and it hates me for it.

Current clothes: Green billabong shirt I got last christmas and jean shorts.

Current annoyance: My nose is itchy and it's driving me nutz.

Current smell: Chippies XD.

Current windows open: None.

Current desktop picture: Alluel from the Ovara Campaign, Scary Scary woman.

Current favorite band: I don't have one and doubt I ever will.

Most listened to: At the moment, I'd have to say that my OC ReMixes are my most listened to.

Current book: I don't read anymore, I'm just a little stupid at the moment.

Current cds in stereo: I don't actually own a stereo, sorry.

Current crush: >> Crush, by the great gods, I don't do crushes, it's an all or nothing thing for me. << >> <<

Current favorite celeb: WTF. The celebreties are wonderful, they have thier world and I have mine, lets keep it that way hmmm.

Current hate: I hate very few things... none of them are popping up currently.

Current job: I work as a Console Operator for BP, but once again I wasn't working when I first started this post, so this is all gonna be a little odd.

Hoping to pick one up this week: When I get paid, I'm definately getting an iron, and robably an ironing board.

+:The last time:+:

Last book you read: >> Actual soft cover book? Probably Belgarath the Sorcerer last christmas.

Last movie you saw: Christ, I don't even remember, thats depressing.

Last thing you had to drink: Coke.

Last time you showered: This afternoon when I got up.

Last thing you ate: Ice Cream... >-0 Don't tell Nells, she will eat me.

Last person you talked to on the phone: The Jas-Man. His pocket called me. ^^

:+:Do I:+:

Smoke?: Hell No. The Goddess would be most miffed with me, we have this deal you see...

Do drugs?: While the aforementioned deal doesn't actually apply to the hard stuff, I believe that she'd be right miffed with me anyway, not to mention the fact that it would undermine one of my strongest personality traits.

Have sex?: I'd like to think I do, on occasion, on rare occasions at the moment -_-; Still, yeah, I do.

Have a dream that keeps coming back?: No reoccuring dreams actually, a strange TV themed dream last night.

Play an instrument?: I wish, I think I can sing a little, though most people would disagree.

Believe there is life on other planets?: Yeah, I guess I do to be honest, I mean, it's really close to statistically impossible that we are that much of an accident.

Remember your first love?: >> Remember, I... yeah, safe to say I do.

Still love him/her?: *sigh* Don't tell them, but yeah, I do, just in a different way.

Read the newspaper?: When I should be working I do, but not often otherwise.

Have any gay or lesbian friends? Actually, despite my own stance, I don't believe I do. Isn't that odd.

Believe in miracles?: I do believe in miracles, but not the kind that I'm sure this question implies.

Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: Wow, forever is an exceptionally long time, and circumstances change. Ideally though, I suppose it's possible to commit yourself that thouroughly to someone.

Consider yourself tolerant of others? I try to be, but my snobby upbringing sometimes shines through at times, even though I am sure thats not what my grandparents ever intended.

Consider love a mistake?: Sometimes.

Like the taste of alcohol?: Ah, no, certainly not my preference.

Have a favorite candy?: Ugh, I like Bueno Bars.

Believe in astrology?: Of course, though the sources can sometimes be questioned.

Believe in magic?: Believe. Magic Happens!!

Believe in god?: << Which one exactly? I believe in the existance of divinity, and in many different divinities.

Have any pets?: Not anymore. T.T

Do well in school?: Not for a while I haven't, hopefully this new change of pace will really pick me up.

Go to or plan to go to college?: Already there.

Wear hats?: Not really.

Have any piercings?: No, and haven't any real motivation to get any.

Have any tattoos?: See above.

Hate yourself?: Not really, I've hated things I've done, but to actually hate myself would undermine one of the core struts of my personality as well, and thats just dumb.

Have a secret crush?: << >> << No.

Do they know yet?: No, why would you ask that, I mean I answered that I didn't have a secret crush, are you implying that I'm lying to you, because I'm not, I'm NOT!!!! << >> <<

Collect anything?: D&D Books, I have quite the collection.

Have a best friend?: Not really anymore.

Close friends?: Quite a few nowadays, and thats a nice change.

Wish on stars?: Not in the longest time, like at least 5 years.

Like your handwriting?: I do, but I've had it called messy by a lot of people which I find intensely disorienting.

Care about looks?: Not especially no, certainly not my own.

+:Love life:+:

First crush: Chris Hannon, but before that even, probably Kate Perkins, she was hot, even for 9.

First kiss: Justine Carter

Single or attached?: Single

Ever been in love?: Yeah, a couple of times, hasn't ever turned out particularly well.

Do you believe in love at first sight?: Lust isn't love, and initial attraction isn't love, but chemicals can react to another person in a very particular way that causes deep infatuation from the start. God I talk shit sometimes. (Quote Nell, Agreed by Steve).

Do you believe in "the one?": Yeah, but the statistically the chances of ever finding the one are depressing.

Describe your ideal significant other?: Kind, Intelligent, caring and open minded, willing to embrace the dork in me, willing to show themselves to me and trust that I'll accept that.

:+:Juicy stuff:+:

Have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing?: Yeah, a few times, I'm usually pretty good at them.

Have you ever been intoxicated?: Not once in my life, having said that, I've been pretty close.

Have you ever been caught "doing something?": Yeah, unfortunately, by both parents and Ned -_-

Shy to make the first move?: The dating game can be a dangerous one for someone in my position, so sometimes yes, but I can hunt if I need to.

:+:Are you a:+:

Wuss?: Pig-headedly unwuss like sometimes, often to the point of dangerous, there is a reason for that, but thats something that I wont discuss, because it would scare people.

Druggy?: Not now, not ever.

Daydreamer?: Actually, more so than people would merit, but I'm not gonna let you know the signs.

Freak?: Absolutely positively. ^^

Dork?: Absotively Posolutely. >-O

Bitch/Asshole?: I can be, because I have an emotional on/off switch.

Brat?: Not really, though I can muster my brat gene if necessary.

Sarcastic?: If you can spot three times I was sarcastic within this quiz, I'll give you a cookie.

Goody-goody?: *laughs until the world dies* No.

Devil?: Nope, not really that either.

Shy?: Around people I don't know I'm often quite reserved, but having said that, I usually overcompensate.

Talkative?: Around people I do know, I'm usually quite chatty yes.

Adventurous?: Absolutely, I'm one of those people who will go looking for it in places where it shouldn't be.

Joker?: I look for humour in most of the things I do, but having said that, I'm not exactly a natural at it.

Flirty?: Now that I don't do very well, I can try, but it comes out as a little sleazy at times.

Alright, it took no shorter than 12 months to complete that post, I'm proud of myself, I set a new record. Huzzah!!!

Crimson Tears: The Scorpian Kid

2006-04-22T03:03:00.000+10:00

It's been a while since I've posted, and for that I apologise. It's not for any lack of things happening in my life, I assure you. In fact, it's been the opposite which has stopped me from posting in this space. I've had that much on my plate recently that I think for the first time in a long time that I'm stressed. But we'll get to that.

The first order of today's post is to congratulate Arctic for his win of the Phoenix Process sub-column. I guess it just goes to show that living with me for any length of time offers some insight into the way I work. I don't know how accurate that is, but I think it's a fairly fair assumpion for everyone.

Ok, so now I have to try and cram the last month into a very short post, because I'm kinda being a little rude.

At the moment, we have Matty staying with us. I'm really enjoying him being here, because he injects a life into the house that I feel we are missing. His vitality and youthful enthusiasm are two valuable assets to have over this break, and the longer he stays the more strength his presence brings me. It's odd really, I mean, I already liked him, but him being here for a week or more has got me feeling better than I had when he wasn't here. He's a champ and I'm enjoying playing big brother... I guess that's the bottom line, I act around him the way that I would act around my own brothers... so we both get something out of it, because I think Arctic was right when he said that Matty looks up to us, as big brothers and sisters.

Anyways, I got nothing else I can really talk about at the moment, I've got so much to say and so little time. I'll try and edit this post later so that I can work things out in a better setting, but now is not the time I don't think. Stay well folks, and I'll see you all soon.

Oh, and the second installment of the sub-column is now open for buisness. Best of luck. I would be answering questions from last week, but Arctic doesn't have anything he'd like to ask me.

I'm done. See ya'll laters.

"We can rest contentedly in our sins and in our
stupidities, and anyone who has watched gluttons shoveling down the most
exquisite foods as if they did not know what they were eating will admit that we
can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers
to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It
is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

-C.S. Lewis
FallenPhoenix

Dreams of Tomorrow: Harmonic Anthem

2006-03-25T03:52:00.000+11:00

So folks, I went to bed early for a change. I made it to bed before 11pm for the first time in a long time since I've been sick. So why, do you ask, am I sitting here typing away at this confounded computer at 4am on a Saturday morning. The answer isn't simple.

I've got a lot going on in my head at the moment, more of course than I am letting on. Such things are not exactly public enough to hit this forum, so the people who need to know will find out very shortly. All things come to an end I guess.

I have been reviewing my policy on friends over the last week, after some information filtered down to me that I wasn't doing my job correctly. Now, I take my friendships very seriously, so I think it's time to take this early morning opportunity to highlight a few core things.

First of all, I'm somewhat unique when it comes to friends. I believe that for anyone to want to be my friend for any length of time, they have to be fairly crazy, so one does ones best to be fairly free and accomodating at all times. I'll go out of my way as often as I can to make sure that my friends are catered for, well before my own needs. However, the maytr complex of mine aside, I do have a specific way of dealing with friendships that is unique to me, and I could go into all the psychobabble to explain my reasons for it, but I don't think I want to. Basically, the way it works is that I will leave a friend, not talking to them for weeks and months at a time, then come back and expect to pick things up from where they were. This is not out of any deep seeded need to hurt my friends, on the contrary, it's because I feel so confident with my friendships (at least the ones that have been around a while) that I feel no need to murmur platitudes at someone unneccesarily.

I found out only recently, from a source who really doesn't care too much, that not everyone of my friends work this way, in fact none of them do, and some resent me for the fact that I "ignore them" or that I neglect them at times. Whether or not this was the case, I was shocked and I did some soul searching over the next couple of days. I always knew that of all of my friends, Lynelle definately has that quality about her, she works the same way I do, however, I was the first to find out that one of my friends from a lot longer ago feels exactly the same way I do, and that worked in my advantage with the strength and conviction of this post. In my opinion, I would do anything for my friends, and I don't think a little confidence in a friendship is too much to ask in return.

On that note, it's been a mixed couple of weeks for me, and I don't know whether I am coming out of them stronger or not. I have a lot to look forward to over the next few months, and seeing as I found out that my brain isn't cancerous, I can stop fretting about having to have my affairs in order for something I wasn't completely in control of. So where does that leave me now?

I am looking more and more forward to these Idol auditions in Albury that are coming up deceptively quickly, and I'm going to have to ask Iain if he wants to do some vocal practice with me. I'm shy as all hell about my voice, and I need to do some work in front of people before I embark on this little sidequest at all. I should be ok, but it'll be fun to do some vocal exercises with Iain anyway, he's a funny dude, and he makes everything around him more entertaining just by being there.

Ned's folks are coming this weekend, and although my usual reaction would be to scream and run home (believe me folks, I would if I could) my money situation is worse than usual. I have to stay up now until Lynelle rises from the dead so that I can give her everything she needs to do what I intended to do while I was home. I'm not scared for Ned's parents (thats me getting defensive about what the voice in my head is saying), but as Ned would surely understand, they make me increasingly uncomfortable. It's something that I've been holding for a good many years, and although they are really nice people, I can't help but feel bad around them. I hope I don't illicit the same vibe.

Now folks, I thought it might be nice to bring about a sort of challenge, lets make that Blog a little more interactive sort of thing. By now, all you regulars will have noticed that there are always two parts to each of the titles of my posts, and they sometimes seem a little irrelivant. I'd like to issue an ongoing challenge to anyone who thinks that they can decipher what I am talking about in each of the two parts of every post (including this one) from now on. There are prizes if you do it properly.

So here are the rules:

You can summarise each peice with no more than ten words per section.
Overtly vague and general responses, no matter how accurate, will not count. I am always very sepcific with my titles, and all of them mean something sharp. Don't be blurry.
All responses will be dealt with by email, though your welcome to leave the actual responses on the site.
There can only be one winner per post, to whom I will give credit to in the next post.

So, the prize... I'm a cheapskate, and have no money, but one thing I do have is information. So here's the deal. To anyone who can identify a post in total, I will answer any three questions they might have about myself, my opinions and my life, furthermore, in an effort to encourage myself to be more open, I will post (unless specifically asked by the winner not to) the questions and thier answers in the next post. Consider this like a sub-column for The Phoenix Process. This will persist until someone tells me it's stupid or the ratings fall off the face of the planet.

"“We all have fears, Josh. What separates us is how we deal with them.”"
- Mike Marcus

FallenPhoenix

Gathering Storms: Summer Memories

2006-03-13T17:24:00.000+11:00

Well folks, I'm posting here because I've been slack by not posting for the last week and a bit, but I've been quite ill with headaches and a rebellious little stomach virus which refuses to co-operate with me. I'm fighting both with a vengeance at the moment and one would like to think that I have the little bastards under control, but I got some blood tests done over the last week, and I have a cat-scan coming up to see whether these headaches are for any real reason. Hopefully between the two different tests, they'll come up with something, we'll see.

As the weather fades from summer sun to autumn winds, I feel the change coming which sets us down for the long cold caress of winter. I'm not a huge fan of the cold, but winter allows certain things which summer makes very difficult, so I guess I'm actually looking forward to winter this year. Summer holds a lot of memories for me, and although I cannot say that this summer was the most memorable I've ever had, there are memories I'll take to the grave from the last three months. Some of them are good, some of them are not so good, but all of them will continue to build me up, they will continue to create who I am. I am a product of my experiances.

I got a chance to go home this weekend, and as tiring as the trip was, I'd still call it a positive one. I got a chance to talk to my grandmother, who is in poorer health than I've ever seen her. She's still a total tank. I should call her, and I am going to do that now. Ok, seems like she's doing ok, that woman is so scarily self-sufficient at times, I think thats probably where I get my need to be so self-sufficient from.

I got two see a few people I haven't seen in a while. Iain, whom I am only just realising is a lot closer to me than I had original thought (or perhaps intended), and I spent quite a long while together over the weekend, and I definately enjoyed the company, despite the fairly extensive age gap, he has grown into a well considered and intelligent young man, capable of reasoning and behaviour well beyond his years. He's great fun to have around, because our humour and intelligence mesh so well. I think though that he might actually be smarter than me, which is scary considering the way I used to treat the poor kid. Ah well, it's an interesting road, and one I look forward to continuing down the path of.

Matty, who I am seriously looking on as an honorary little brother, has been in some trouble with school and his ever-crafy mother has devised a means by which to keep him steady with his work and behaviour. If the boy can keep his head in line, we'll be graced with a visitor for the easter holidays. Should be interesting.

So at the end of my blooming summer period, what conclusions have I come to? Am I stronger person? Have I learnt anything? How can I make the answers to all of these questions difficult for the reader to decipher without a natural 20? I'm gonna give it a shot.

Question One: What conclusions have you come to at the end of summer?

As summer winds first touched my face, my eyes turned from blue to brown. I felt a surge of an emotion I've never felt in a way I never thought I would and I saw the sky change from red to blue. As the summer progressed, one of my eyes returned to blue and I began to have split visions of futures far from the now. Twice, I found these visions collided with intensity, passion and a hint of danger, and twice I found myself feeling less for it. As summers warmth fades from my mind, I find myself resolved never again to let my minds eye wander so far from reality.

Question Two: Are you a stronger person at the end of Summer 2005/06?

Strength is relative. It depends on which strength one wants to know about. I am weaker of body, stronger of mind, I see so much more but I'm already blind. I fight for my friends, and my heart is on fire, yet if you looked really close you could prove me a liar. My life is just starting, my troubles must end, my picture is broken, yet starting to mend. Lastly my soul, which in truth was cold, in now enveloped with the fires of old. I wish you the best in finding the truth, and apologise, for my method is quite aloof, but you'll see if you can that this is just a way, to hold fears and passions at bay.

Question Three: Have you learnt anything yet?

A smile slowly crept over the young mans lips, a fire shining in his grey eyes. With a strong voice, he broke the cold, peircing silent of the area around him.

"Yes", he said, smiling, "Yes I have".

As the room echoed with the reverberating truth of the statement, the shocked assembally of fated onlookers turned thier backs on the fire in his eyes, scared by the fate the statement pronounced. The young man, while still alone, was victorious.

Hehehehehe, Oh I wish you all the very best with those little puzzles. I do so enjoy having four or five different layers of subtext. Each one of you have so much to gain from this. Hope you all have fun. At least now I have the strength to divulge such information, even if it is encrypted. Only the people who can be bothered looking at it will see what I mean. Have fun kiddies, I'll be watching this space. I'll even tell you if your right or wrong.

"Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions."

-David Borenstein, January 28, 2000

FallenPhoenix

The Candle Flickers: A Sense of Dread

2006-03-01T09:43:00.000+11:00

I'm just crossing my fingers that this retarded compy can handle writing a post without completely crashing before I can finish. I have a lot to do today, so I really don't have the time to be doing this. I can only think of one way to cover so much ground in a small amount of time. It's vague, but I have no real choice.

This week:

One person opened a door for me that led me down a path I shouldn't have ever taken. I didn't know at the time, and I don't think they did either, but the path most travelled appears to be the most dangerous.
One person showed me exactly how they felt this week, and showed me that the people I consider my friends may not be where it all ends. This person's gentle nature showed me that I may need to reassess a few relationships. Insect indeed.
One person proved to me that they really do care about me in a way I'm still only really coming to grips with. This person can expect to have a fairly intense conversation with me next time I see them. I have a lot to say.
One person showed me a flash of desperation so deep and filled with despair that I finally got a glimpse of exactly what they have been trying to tell me for so long. This scared me, but ultimately, I don't think things will change.
One person has shown me the true facets of thier personality, giving me a glimpse into a cornucopia of different emotions. It feels like interactions with this person are like walking through an emotional mindfield, but thats half the fun. Intrigued as always, I plunge headfirst into the depths.
One person has shown me this week that life is precious, and that a candle can be extinguished at any time with little warning. Given a chance, I would love to help this person, but I don't know that I can.

Ok folks, you guys can comment, question and rip all of these apart as you like, but for now, I won't talk about any of them until I have a chance to discuss them all in detail. A request as well. No more anonymous posts. I like to know who says what. I don't want to scare you into not posting on here, but I don't like not knowing who reads this. Therefore, from now on, all anon comments will be deleted as soon as I find them. If your not comfortable identifying yourselfs on the site, just email me. Anyone who should be reading this has my email anyways, it's not that hard folks.

In the words of an inspiration of mine.

"Laugh Often, Live Well and Love Much" - Tyrael.

FallenPhoenix

The Minds Eye: Differing Perspectives

2006-02-19T03:45:00.000+11:00

It has come to my attention over the last few days exactly how much our individual perspectives shape the way we act and react in certain situations. What might matter so much to me may not matter in the slightest to someone else. They do not react at all, and I end up feeling bitter because they showed no interest. It's funny how priorities are so different from person to person and how they are shaped by our lives up to this point.

This realisation has made me really look at the things that matter the most to me, and I have to say that coming into the forefront is the fact that my friends are really my life. The few special people who have worked thier way to my heart, that have braved the spiky exterior I have worked so hard to manufacture are granted so much from me. To me, every thing they say matters, everything they do, thier opinions, thier hopes, thier dreams, thier aspirations, no matter how small or how trivial.

There are certain things that I really just don't consider a priority at all. Money is one of these. I don't really care where my money goes, so long as the bills are payed and everyone around me is happy. Which leads me back to my first point. Money doesn't matter to me, but my friends do, so I go out of my way to spend my money on my friends. A fact that infuriates some of them. This perspective thing is complicated though, because until recently, I was under the impression that everyone felt the way that I did about this (and other) issues. Big Mistake. It goes further than that as well. But first, lets explore this example.

The reason I am so free with money is because despite my troubled early childhood, I was well cared for and well looked after by my Grandparents when I finally move in with them. I have always had a comfortable life. My entire family has been comfortable and well looked after. We all went to private schools and were given every opportunity to excel. Money was never a problem. It wasn't something to throw around, but it was not a limitation, more of a ticket we got every now and then.

I've never held friends for very long. I've always had this incredible skill for losing them after a short time frame. It's hard to say why exactly, but I always seem to be the cause of it. I lost a group at the end of primary school and again, halfway through high school, and most of my high school friends are now naught but aquaintences, with two very special exceptions. These two events caused me to seal my heart to the world outside. I will admit to the world in this post that it will take a miracle for me to fully trust anyone again ever. Someone once came very close to that, they promised me, they swore to me that they would never hurt me, and guess what... they fucking hurt me... what a fucking surprise that was. All of my friends have a special peice of my heart, and that means that they have a peice of my life which is there's specifically. Ned and I have a brothership which will endure forever, despite my moods and his nonchalance. Nells is the person I will turn to when the world inevitably hurts me again because I know I am safe with her. Jassi has the old me, the history behind the phoenix, and dude, our circle still rages strong, something you and I have watched for close to a decade.

So friends are a central pivotal focus in my life, something I will always cherish and always hold above and beyond myself. I guess this is for a multitude of reasons, I do it because I fear that if I don't, they will abandon me, like a few have. I do it because they are empathic, loyal and virtuous people who deserve to get the very best from everyone they encounter. I do it simply because I know no other way. For me, I've always been taught a friend gives everything they have and everything they are. I live by that when I can.

I guess the focus behind this post is to say that everyone sees this wide wonderful world in differing ways. Everyone has something that matters to them and something that doesn't, many have quite a few things that fit into those categories. It gets better kiddies, because while it's possible for two people to have similar perspectives, it's rare, and every single focus works with every single other focus to determine human interaction, which is the key reason behind the staggering diversity of our race. So many people, so many differing perspectives. Kinda makes the head spin doesn't it.

Hope I didn't get too philosophical on ya'll folkies. I guess we all just need to step back when a relationship is proving difficult and try and assess the difference in perspectives. What matters to the person I am having trouble with? What matters to me? Am I reading into this too much because I believe that what matters to me matters to them? What can be done to find a middle ground?

All good questions hmmm? By the Gods it'd be great if we had the time or the mentality to be processing that every time we had a difficulty with another person. World would run a lot smoother.

Still, when one is granted time in the future to think about a situation before it either escalates or is diffused, one might be wise to ask oneself a few of those questions, one might be surprised about ones answers.

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of
trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success
achieved."
-Helen Keller

FallenPhoenix

Moonlit Creativity: Reality Revision

2006-02-09T06:43:00.000+11:00

My sleeping patterns, while never really "pattern-like" have been somewhat sporadic over the last few days. I've been spending the day sleeping, and spending my nights working on a new D&D campaign that I'm preparing for Wagga. As far as I know, I'm doing an enourmous amount of work considering I'm preparing it only for two roommates who doubtlessly wont take it near as seriously as I do, but hey, there is a chance I could be wrong. I'll keep you all posted.

This campaign is unlike any other concept I've ever explored in an RPG before, the original idea coming off an RPG game of little consequence and then being tailored to fit what I like about the D&D game mechanics. Best yet, I had to do absolutely no tweaking of the normal D&D game mechanics to get the concept to work, which is something I am not really used to. The concept is very different, and my two little guinea pigs are going to be thrown into something very very different from the average party play that is D&D, but I always like doing something different and it's worth the workload a million times over if it works, so we'll throw ourselves in headfirst and see how it goes.

My sleep patterns are kinda annoying though, I have a lot to do this weekend, and it;s nearly 7am here at the moment, the turn of the hour will mark the 12th hour I've been awake, but I've decided right here and now that I'll be staying up until this evening, because I need to right my bio clock. I'll be ok, I know it, but it might alarm Nells a bit. We'll see.

Lol... random fact, I just looked at my hands and you can tell that I've been working with multiple pens and that I'm right handed, because my hand is mottled with a thousand different pen marks of three different colours. Dunno why I put that in, but it seemed appropriate.

God... looking back on where my journal has come from, so much has changed. Nell and I have been discussing public forum vs. private journal over the last few days and I must say that in part I agree with her and in part I still dispute her. I know that there are things I cannot write in here anymore because of the people who read it, but at the same time, the people who do read this journal get a unique insight into the way that I think, plus it gives ya'll something to do on those evenings where there really isn't anything else. God, aren't I the nicest person.

I've gone from being a piney loser gaping at Ned, to a piney loser in a relationship with Taco, to a piney loser crying over a failing relationship with Taco, to the sad lonely loser my Ancient History teacher predicted I'd become. Mr. T, your my hero.

Oddly enough, I don't feel like much of a loser, as much as I might like to think that I've gained nothing in the last few years, I've been through a lot. The one thing that defines me as a person is that I maintain that good or bad, a situation has to be learnt from. I try my very best to grow with every new day, and I feel like I've come a fair way in the process.

Since starting my journal, I've felt the sting of rejection, I've felt the warmth of waking up next to someone after a night where you were the only thing that mattered to them, I've felt the death of a family member, I've felt the amazing joy of gaining a life long friend, I've felt the cold sorrow of losing a lifelong friend, I've felt the disgust of seeing one of my ex's degrade into something I cannot call a friend anymore, I've felt friendships, close and not so close, transform in the evershifting limbo that is life, I've experianced the wedding of someone who sat in my living room on my 13th birthday as I chanted my first ever ritual to the great god and goddess, I've experianced an emotional gambit which can only be described as mixed, I've lived with six different people for a length of time, I've had the opportunity (and responsibility) of teaching a group of kids a skill they will take with them forever, I've made so many decision about what I want, where I am heading and what I want to be. Most importantly, as I write this, I know that this is a massive step for me. This paragraph, written on a laptop early on a Thursday morning, is a summary of my achievements and experiances over the last three years.

By the gods...

I've been alive for twenty one years, and thats only three years of the experiances that I've had. I've come so far in three years. I can remember being 18 and sitting in my flat thinking that I would never live to see twenty five, but Luke's accident, as well as some silken persuasion from two of my nearest and dearest (and Jassi, dude, your one of them...) has allowed me to see that I have achieved so so much over this time and it aint over yet. I got me so much more to do, so come hell or high water, I'm gonna keep my head up, watching for the horison I know is coming.

Hell, I know I'm not the easiest person. I'm not optimistic and I'm not the type that is going to change thier life because of this little realisation, but this is the main use for a forum such as this. For all of you who may lose faith in me sometimes, take heart, something you've been telling me all along, I've known all along.

Have faith folks, I do.

"You choose to go voluntarily into the fire. The blaze might well destroy you. But if you survive, every blow of the hammer will serve to shape your being. Every drop of water wrung from you will temper and strengthen your soul."
-Margaret Weis, Soulforge

FallenPhoenix

Secrets of the Night: The Fire Flickers

2006-02-06T23:41:00.000+11:00

You are:[ x] tall
[] in between
[ ] short
[ ] blonde
[ ] redhead
[ ] brunette
[x] black (or dark brown)
[] blue-eyed
[ ] brown-eyed
[ ] green-eyed
[ ] hazel eyed
[ ] gold eyed
[x] grey eyed
[] glasses
[ ] contacts
[] braces
[] freckles
[ ] piercings
[ ] tattoos
[ ] long hair
[ ] short hair (at the moment)
[x] med. Hair
[ ] Afro (usually)

Your favorite color(s) are?
[ x] red
[] pink
[ ] yellow
[ x]black
[] green
[ ] blue
[ ] white
[ ] silver
[ ] purple
[ ] brown
[ ] orange
[ ] turquoise
[ ] rainbow

Some sports/physical things you have done?

[ ] cheerleading
[x] dancing
[ ] lacross
[x] field hockey
[x] hockey
[ ] football
[x] softball
[ ] wrestling
[x] gymnastics
[x] track/cross country
[x] basketball
[x] baseball
[ ] netball
[x] playing in the mud
[x] playing music
[x] hiking
[ ] kayaking
[ ] camping
[x] horseback riding
[ ] marching band
[x]good ole' fashion sex!
[x]swimming

Your personality is sometimes...

[x] annoying
[x] talkative
[x] shy
[x] funny
[x] serious
[x] bubbly
[x] spazzy
[x] fun-loving
[x] laid back
[ ] strict
[x] hyper
[x] weird

The music you like is?
[ ] rap
[x] rock
[x] pop
[x] pop/rock
[ ]country
[ ] hip hop
[x] r&b
[x] slow jams
[ ] Christian
[x] classical
[x] techno
[x] punk rock
[ ] oldies
[ ] Metal
[ ] reggae
[x] Goth
[x] Latin
[ ] Hawaiin
[x] other

The pets you have are?
[ ] cat
[ ] dog
[ ] lizard
[ ] rat
[ ] ferret
[ ] rabbit
[ ] fish
[ ] Bird
[ ] other

Clothes you like to wear are?
[x] plain tshirts
[ ] hoodies
[x] sneakers
[x] jeans
[ ] pj pants
[x] boxers
[ ] underwear
[ ] watches
[x] thongs( sorry folks, no images, I don’t appreciate either.)
[x] shorts
[ ] skirts
[ ] dresses

How do you like to wear your hair?

[] down
[] ponytail
[ ] pigtails
[x] messy
[ ] half ponytail
[x] curly
[ ] bun
[ ] crimped
[x] with a bandana
[ ] French braids
[] lots of little braids
[ ] gel
[ ] hats
[ ] messy hot guy hair (I like my hair messy, but seriously folks, hot guy :P how pretentious)[ x] sex hair (c’mon folks, it’s hot…)
[ ] fohawk

You're mostly labeled as?
[ ] goth
[ ] emo
[ ] prep
[ ] punk
[ ] hippie
[x] geek
[ ] i have no idea
[x] random

You eat?

[ ] dessert every night
[] not much meat.
[ ] diet stuff
[ ] healthy foods
[x] junk foods
[ ] a lot of carbs
[ ] lots of meat
[ ] salad
[ ] seafood
[ ] lots of food
[ ] what i want

A typical friday night...

[ ] mall with your friends
[ ] partying
[x] watching movies
[ ] going to the club
[x] staying home
[ ] babysitting and getting $$
[x] hanging out w/ my friends
[] working while your friends are out having fun
[ ]going to freo (umm… am I the only person who has no idea…)

Currently you are...

[ ] in a relationship
[x] single
[x] crushing (feelings are feelings…)
[x] single and looking for someone
[ ] just broke up....

Online, you use:

[X] lol
[ ] sup
[ ] =D
[x] lmao
[ ] ttyl
[ ] g2g
[x] ^.^
[ ] T_T
[ ] x_x
[x] ^_^
[ ] orly
[ ] rotl

Did you like this survey?

[ ]yeah
[ ] no!
[ ] it was ok
[x] it was something to do
[ ] wut
[ ] i dono

whats most important in a friendship?

[x]trust
[x]honesty
[ ]funniness
[ ]seriousnes
[ ] i have no friends

if you could be a super hero,what powers would you have?

[ ]flying power
[ ]strength
[ ]smartness
[x]magical powers (how innane… a little universal doesn’t one think -_-)

if you went to a dress up party tonite,what would you dress up as?

[ ]pirate
[ ]fairy
[x]gothic
[ ]80's style
[ ]black person
[ ]pj's
[x]w/e in the wardrobe

what do you look for in a guy/girl?

[x]eyes
[ ]body
[x]voice
[ ]tallness
[ ]shortness
[XXXX]intelligence
[x] personality
[x] funniness
[ ] smile
[ ]i dont know

if you could be a crayon,what colour would you be?
[ ]black
[X]red
[ ]orange
[ ]yellow
[ ]green
[ ] blue
[ ]purple
[ ]pink
[]silver
[ ]gold
[] rainbow

So folks, I’ve been sitting here thinking about the year to come and it’s going to be an interesting journey to say the very least. I am just realising that I have two new people to get used to living with. It’s not exactly going to be as simple as I seem to be thinking either. Both Nell and Ned have completely different energies to Jas and Ranbir, and it’s going to take some time adjusting to what they like and how they show their different moods. Jassi was fairly straightforward and (guys, even after this, I love you) neither of my two new roomies can claim to be that.

Anyways, I have an entire week to start to adjust myself to be more mutable. Just be like rubber, let things bounce around you for a while, see where it goes, then mould to take your new shape. That’s the way the world goes.

What else is big in my life at the moment. Not much has been happening for me. I have a few concerns running through my head, but for once, I’m gonna actually have a think about them before I go posting them out to the world. If they are just illusions hiding from view like I feel they are, then I need to realise that before I go hurting people by posting on this now not so secure forum.

I’m not having a go at anyone or anything, but the true purpose of this journal has been kinda polluted, and I’m sure a lot of people who have journals can relate to me when I say this. It becomes too much of a public forum at times and the fact that the journal entries on blogger cannot be made private makes one think twice about writing things specifically about people who frequent the site. See, I can’t complain, I gave this address to almost every other person who has it, but still, It’s an interesting conundrum. I don’t want to alarm anyone, I’m not thinking about anyone or anything specific, but it’s something to note. Perhaps this is no longer a journal for my feelings so much as a billboard for all of you guys to get an insight on what goes on in my head. Not exactly what I first intended, but useful nonetheless.

Anyways folkies, I’m meant to be heading to bed soon, so I should probably depart. I’ll leave you all with quotes and bid you adeui.

Actually before I forget, an update on Luke. Apparently, the parish priest at my home town has told the catholic women’s league that Luke’s head injuries are more severe than was previously thought and his chances aren’t looking good. Once more, my prayers and my energies go out to the poor boy. Luke dude, hang in there, you’ve got a lot left to experience, fight for life…

"Fear less, hope more;
Whine less, breathe more;
Talk less, say more;
Hate less, love more;
And all good things are yours."
-Swedish Proverb

FallenPhoenix

The Modern Mirror: A Life in the Balance

2006-02-03T19:09:00.000+11:00

Who am I? I am Steve

Where am I? Sitting at my new place here on Thorne St, Wagga.

What am I doing? Filling out this survey just because it’s grossly out of date, and because a Witchhunter suggested it.

What is my name? Steven Wayne James (last name omitted for privacy reasons)

How old am I? Twenty One Years and two months.

Where was I born? Canterbury Hospital, Sydney, Australia

Where do I live? Between University in Wagga and my home in Leeton, N.S.W

What are my social, financial and political circumstances and beliefs?

Social : My social beliefs have remained more or less unchanged throughout the years. Friends are important, and it’s important to try and reach out beyond thse who you call your close friends at times as well. People have so much to offer, and I feel like there is more wisdom to be gained by watching people than by reading a thousand books.

Financial: People take money far too seriously, and that is something I find a serious shortcoming of our species. People need to put things into perspective. Money is just money, it doesn’t rule your life unless you let it.

Political: Politics still doesn’t play a huge part in my life. I believe that people need to have a voice, and I believe that as long as we have a right to vote on the people who run our nation, that we will be just fine. Sure there are some people in politics who really shouldn’t be, but lets do a perspective check, every profession has that.

If I were an animal, what would I be? I reckon I’d still be a dog. I like the idea of companionship and I like the loyalty and pure ruggedness of a dog. Yup, I like dogs.

If I were an element (earth, air, fire, water) what would I be? Fire. I am deeply spiritual, and my astrological element is fire. I believe that I am a prime example of this element, with the power to create or destroy but not the control to choose.

What are my physical characteristics? I am tall but surprisingly agile for my height. I have massive legs (from many years spent on an Olympic trampoline) and a underbuilt upper body. As such I am not exactly proportioned and I am way too lazy to get off my butt and do anything about it. I am not fat but I sure as hell aint skinny. I feel that I am maintaining an optimal weight at the present time.

What are my likes and dislikes?

Likes: Fire, fantasy, Food, performing arts, music, warmth, strength of character, soul-jarring conversations with someone you really trust.

Dislikes: Being pushed around, close-minded people, being hungry, shallowness, deceit.

What opinion do you hold dear? I am my own person and there aint no-one on this earth that has the power to change who I am but myself. I will be who I am forever and that's a fact.

What do I do to achieve this? I often speak my mind at inappropriate times and am a free spirit with the majority of my actions. I take constructive criticism about myself but will not follow a crowd or fashion if I don't like it, regardless of the social and ethical costs.

What do I do each day? Usually, with uni on, I’ll get up an hour before uni, have a shower get dressed, maybe get a bite to eat if I’m running on time and go. At the moment however, my days are very whim like… I do what I want when I want… within respectable boundaries.

What are my hobbies? At the moment, my biggest hobby is Dungeons and Dragons. It takes a lot of time though, so I don’t have much time for anything else. My life is about other people at the moment, even D&D serves people. Doesn’t anyone notice that… :P

What am I wearing? Why? I’m wearing a dark green polo shirt which Rachel’s parents got me for christmas. I really like it. I’m also wearing a pair of tan cargo shorts which I got from my grandmother for chirstmas. I’m wearing them because I’m told they look good and because it’s like a million degrees more outside.

What is in my pockets? Why? I have a set of keys, both to my flat in Leeton and to the place here. I don’t know where my set of keys got to, but these ones are Ned’s. I also have my wallet, because it’s a wallet and if you don’t have ine your sad, or poor. Lastly I have my phone with it’s new holden phone cover. Seeing as it flew off the back of toddy and got run over by a car, I figured it would be only fitting to see an ode to cars every time I look at my phone.

What are two extreme points of my personality? Well, Nell says I’m bipolar. I have this intense need to help people, but I refuse help from others when I really need it. It’s kinda an extreme sort of shift, and it makes me look hypocritical. I’m comfortable with that…

What is my life objective? To be a success. In money, love and hopefully career.

What is my status/relationship to other people? I try to treat other people with respect regardless of circumstance or relationship, but I find myself increasingly more paranoid around people I don’t know. I just seem to assume the worst of strangers and meeting new people makes me nervous. It’s odd.

What are the three most important events that have occurred in my life? To me the most important thing that ever happened to me was the disintergration of a group of friends who I had been friends with all through junior high. I got kicked out of the group because someone suspected I was gay, something I was running with at the time, and it was through this break down of my friendship group that I was able to fully experience life alone through school. It taught me a lot of things and I finally settled down into a new group of friends who actually respected me for who I was (not that they knew any of the rumours were true yet) and in this group were both Ned and Tam. I’ve lost contact with Tam over a stupid fight, but Ned and I are closer than ever.

The second most important event to happen in my life was slightly before the first, in the meeting of Jarrod. Jarrod was a member of the aforementioned friendship group but he and I had been friends since primary school and he gave me a lot more benefit of the doubt. He and I still remained friends after the whole incident and to this day we still hang out. He is 100% straight (which I cannot deny being disappointed about) and although he is just coming out of a messy relationship with Jess, my closest cousin and someone I treat as my little sister, he and I remain close.

I’ll change the last one, I believe now that meeting Lynelle was another single important thing in my life. She’s only very new to me, I’ve known her well for less than a year, but she has changed so much about who I am and the way I act. He has influenced so much positive change from me, and I see her being a big influence on my life until she can’t put up with me anymore…

The most beautiful part of my body is... my eyes. I like them, they communicate so much more than the words I viel. An easy to way to tell anything about me is to watch my eyes, you will find them the true way to judge anything I say. My eyes give away my emotions, something my words cannot viel. You just have to learn how to read them.

Happiness to me is... the freedom to do what you think is right free of societies or even other peoples beliefs.

The thing I most want to do before I die is... say that I have loved someone and that they have returned it. It might be a small thing but in my books, that's real and important to me.The most embarrassed I ever was... was probably when I was very little. I don't get embarrassed easily, because I've been acting all my life and due to my perpetual cynicism, I am one tough cookie. Talk about your 30ft stone walls.

The ugliest part of my body is... Probably still my hair… it’s growing long, which I like, but it’s all fuzzy and gross, which I don’t like. I keep looking at it, thinking there must be something I can do with it to make it better… no idea folks.

The thing I like best about myself... is my ability to rise to my feet regardless of the crisis at hand. There has not been a single situation in my life where I have not known exactly what to do. Granted sometimes took longer than others but I have moved though everything as I got it, without stopping. I feel that's a real life skill and something a lot of people need to develop. (not to say there aren't a billion different things I have to develop). This is the main reason for my handle: Phoenix.

Pain to me is... the unbearable loneliness that creeps into your soul at 3am some idle Tuesday morning and regardless of how hard you try to shake it claws away at your very being until there is nothing left but a desicated husk void of all emotion and spirit.

My mother/grandmother/female caretaker or w/e... Taught me... the true meaning of respect. My grandmother is a beautiful woman and respect to her is a very important thing. As such I prioritise it highly as well and that is something I will always thank her for.

The thing I regret most is... the four years of my life I wasted wishing that I was somebody else. In all seriousness, I realise now that that was the biggest waste of time possible. It was unavoidable at the time but I regret that I didn't have the strength of mind, the presence of character and the power of will to break out of it and accept who I was a lot sooner. If I had have, my teenage years could have been a lot better.

The most secret thing about me is... my ability to manipulate people, both mentally and emotionally. This was another tough question and sad to say I could only come up with a negative answer. Very few people know when I play them mentally or emotionally. I have always used my natural born intellect to control situations to my liking and people have never really noticed it. This is a great shame because I could use my intelligence for so many other purposes... But what can you do, we are who we are.

I can hear my father/grandfather/ male caretakers voice speaking through my own when I say... Thankyou! This was an insanely difficult one. My grandfather is a many of very few words but the words he says he means. As such, I almost never say thankyou an a lot of people think I am being rude by omitting it in my every day speech. This is not my intention, I only ever say Thankyou when I mean it. This goes for a lot of other things as well... The important things in life don't need to be said over and over until they are done to death, they need to be said every so often and meant!

Love to me is... when two people accept each other into thier lives without fear of persecution. Each person maintains thier individuality but the strength of the bond between the two are strong enough to challenge all else. Love is when two people trust and respect each other explicitly and without question. Love is beautiful. Love is... Love... I guess...

The thing I am most proud of is... that my friends all seem to be progressing into a period where they no longer need me as a guide. For so many years I helped them with deep seeded issues and it looks as though I have completely out-lived my usefulness. I am so proud of all of them for learning from thier mistakes and not making new ones. Well Done Guys!! Now if only I could work that well on myself...

Every time I don't get what I want I tell myself... Meh! What can you do. We do not control every aspect of our fates. There are times when little we do matters because the end result is decided by someone else. It is times like these where you have to sit back, sigh, and continue on with your life. Dwelling on things we cannot change does much more harm than good. As I told a friend of mine just yesterday, "... Hatred is such a negative emotion... And it achieves nothing... I'd rather continue a positive relationship with someone than a wilily negative one... that's a strong belief of mine"

If you could hear the music in me... I would expect all of you to sing along. The music within me is for all of you guys… just listen. It’s not as silent as all of you seem to thing.

I want my epitaph to be... (for those who don't know what an epitaph is, it's what will be written on your gravestone) "If the only way we can be together is in my dreams, then I'll sleep forever".

I was informed this evening that one of my old D&D players was in a serious car accident last night and has been airlifted to Sydney. I'm scared for him, because they say that it was a bad accident and he is in a bad way. Luke, dude, your in my prayers, I hope everything goes ok for you matey. Your a fighter, stay strong.

I don't have much else to say. I am eaitng a gorgeous stir-fry made my Nell. it's so much fun taunting her. :P I love it.

"Respect human talent, respond to genius, recognize reality, admire truth and beauty, realize the meaning of the rare flower Reason."
-Peter Nivio Zarlenga, The Orator, "Flight", 1977

FallenPhoenix

Music of the Soul: A Final Sunset

2006-02-01T15:01:00.000+11:00

Summer is drawing closer and closer to a close and soon classes will start back up again. I wonder whether this summer has been as memorable as the last three or not. I can remember my last three summers vividly, so much stuff happened in both of them, and this summer feels monumental, but not memorable. Like, I know that moving into my new place here in Wagga is something that is going to impact on the rest of my life, just as last years move did, but nothing truly memorable, except perhaps my first trip to Western Australia happened.

In other news, I now have a halfway decent internet connection up and running, so I feel so much safer knowing that we have a dedicated internet service running. Means that when Uni starts in a fortnight that both Ned and I will have the resources we need, even if we do not yet have a computer each, to do the things we need.

I finally got my phone bill paid off *jumps for joy* with Ranbir paying me my bond not a day after I asked for it from him, which is great. I really needed that bill off my back and both my old roomies came through with flying colours, I'm a happy camper.

What else is new. Nell got her massage course. I have complete faith in her ability to acheive the results that she wants from this course. We both know it's not an easy course and it's going to require a lot of dedication on her part to succeed, but I know my girl and I know she will do everything in her power to make this opportunity happen for her. This was a lucky break to get into the course she was looking for and I'm sure she's got what it takes to make it, regardless of the opinions of others.

Ned is going to be moving her permanently in a fortnight as O-week starts and he gets into uni life. I must say that looking back over two and a half years of journal entries, the day I saw Ned walk into the same university as me didn't seem like it was ever going to come, but between myself and his family, we gave him the push he needed to get him here, I just hope to the gods that this is what he wants. I can't help sensing a certain melancholy over the boy since we signed on this place, like a great deal of his freedom has been removed from him. I hope we did the right thing.

Anyways folks, I have plenty to be doing and a hot spell just swept over this part of the unit, so I am afriad I must depart. I'll see thee all anon.

"Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you,
surprise you, disappoint you, but they can't prevent you from acting, from
taking the situation you're presented with and moving on. No matter where you
are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You
always have a choice and the choice can be power."
-Blaine Lee, The Power Principle

FallenPhoenix

Song of Rebirth: Homeward Bound

2006-01-26T11:27:00.000+11:00

Well folks, I've moved into my new place in Wagga and once must say, I was happy with this place when I first laid eyes on it, but right now, after staying here for three days, I am more than pleased. This place will do nicely I think.

Mmmm... I like the sound of my voice today, I'm singing while Nell is in the shower, and it's nice.

We are headed home today to clean up my place before my grandmother comes home, we left it in a sad state of repair before leaving because of time restraints, so we've got a busy couple of days ahead of us. Ned comes back through Leeton on Friday night to pick up some stuff to take back here, so I have to be ready for him then with everything we missed, which is quite a lot from my camp. I might have to take a page out of Nell's book and make a list of things before we go. I might just do that.

In any case, it's TAFE enrollment day on Monday and Nell finds out exactly what she's doing over here then, which will be good. We also get a chance to see how far she has to walk to TAFE each day from here. Logistically, it doesn't seem that far away, and the main street is actually closer than I thought it was, but it's still good for us to check to see. We don't want the poor girl walking any further than she absolutely has to.

I should probably look for some stuff to bring from home to give me something to do as well, because in my spare time this week, while I've been waiting for Nell to get better, I've done nothing but sit here and tap on this bloody computer. To be perfectly honest, I used to do this a whole lot more than I do now, and it just doesn't give me the satisfaction anymore. I'll have a look around home, see what there is, we'll work something out.

I don't have heaps more news to be perfectly honest. Not a lot has happened, Nell got sick, and I've been looking after her while trying not to get sick myself. I'm looking with apprehension at my phone bill which is starting to spiral. I couldn't pay the money I wanted to from this pay because neither Nell or Ned has any money at all, and it fell on me to pay for every single expense that cropped up this week. Thats not a problem, but I'm in trouble now and I don't like that feeling at all. Here's the golden part, even though they'll both read this and offer me some form of monetary recompitence I wont accept it, because that'll mean they are both in weaker positions to help the house itself and the same thing will happen when I next get paid. I don't want this situation turning into a viscous cycle. Best thing they can do is just let me handle it and pay for the house while I do.

*nods*

Happy Birthday Pa...

Sounds about right. I don't have much else, I'll leave you with a quote and wish you all happy and safe days until we talk again. Cya'll.

"One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a
fine picture, and, if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words in order
that worldly cares may not obliterate the sense of the beautiful which God has
implanted in the human soul."
-Johann von Goethe

FallenPhoenix

The Virtuous Visitor: A Midnight Serenade

2006-01-16T22:04:00.000+11:00

Well folks, we have a house. However, as is the case with many things that are good in my life, I am already going well out of my way to sabotage it. The house has three bedrooms, and I really would have liked the master bedroom, but I've already told Ned that he is having it for a variety of awesome reasons, most of which are entirely true. The essence of the matter lies in the fact that the room that I have accepted is quite a bad room, and I don't want Ned to have it. So I took it. I'm just worried it's going to close me off from all the good in the house. I hope not.

My house has taken up a semi-permanent resident in Nell, who has been staying with me ever since I got back. It's been an interesting two weeks, and very educational. It probably wasn't a bad idea to live with her for a couple of weeks while we wait to move in in Wagga, because it gives a precursor for things to come, something that I guess I appreciate. She's a lovely person to live with, and I don't think the next 12 months are going to be particularly challenging.

So what else is new. Unusually, my phone bill is a little outside my ability to pay for a change. The week that I was in perth put me out a little and I'm being challenged to pay the amount that I owe, which is only slightly more than I can handle. Such things happen, and I am now juggling rent once again as well, so it should be an interesting little trip.

Sometimes, when life seems really down, the best you can do to right a situation is smile. I feel a warmth coming over me at the moment, despite the fact that my personal life is a little challenging. Maybe it's a sign for a strong year, maybe I should do a reading and find out. Playing with cards for myself, how interesting. It's been a while, and Tarot is something I don't like to play with unnessisarily, but there is a lot riding on this year, and it might well be prudent.

"When I find myself fading, I close my eyes and realize my friends are my
energy."
- Anonymous

FallenPhoenix

Searching for a Home: Lost in Space

2006-01-09T13:04:00.000+11:00

I can't really post too much at the moment, but I'll do an update later tonight, the main reason for me writing this down is to post something cool I found on Lynelle's journal. I'll do that now...

I confess that in 2005 I...
() stayed single the whole year.. .
() got my first kiss
(x) kissed someone new
() made-out for the first time
(x) made-out in/on a car
() kissed in the snow
(x) kissed in the rain
(x) fell in love
(x) fell in love with a fool
(x) had your heart broken
(x) broke someone else's heart
(x) had a stalker
(x) had a good relationship with someone
(x) questioned your sexual orientation
() came out of the closet
() gotten pregnant
() gotten someone else pregnant
() had an abortion
() gotten married
() had a divorce
() had a gay marriage
(x) kissed someone of the same sex
(x) dated/dating someone you'll never forget
(x) done something you've regretted
() lost your true love
() lost faith in love
() kissed under miseltoe

WORK/SCHOOL
() got a job
() got a promotion
() got a pay raise
() changed jobs
() lost your job
() quit your job
() dated a co-worker
() dated your boss
() dated your boss' daughter/son
() got fired from your job
() got straight A's
(x) met one teacher you really like
(x) met one teacher you really hated
(x) found the subject you love
(x) failed a class
(x) cut class
(x) skipped school
(x) got into a fight with a classmate
(x) did something you were proud of
() discovered a new talent
() gave the teachers a reason to teach
(x) proved yourself an idiot
(x) embaressed yourself in front of the class
() fell in love with a teacher
() got a lead in the school play
() made a varsity team
() made a junior varsity team
(x) were involved in something you'll never forget
(x) got sent to the office

OTHER
() drew/painted a picture
(x) wrote a poem
(x) ran a mile
(x) listened to music you couldn't stand
(x) double-dipped
(x) skinny-dipped
(x) went to a sleepover
() went to camp
() threw a surprise party
(x) laughed till you cried
() laughed till you almost peed in your pants
() flirted shamelessly
() visited a foreign country
(x) visted a foreign state
(x) cooked a disasterous meal (YES... the chicken wasn't that pink... no really.. I think it was still alive.)
(x) lost something important to you
(x) got a gift you adore
(x) realized something new about yourself
(x) went on a diet
() tried to gain weight
() dyed your hair
(x) came close to losing your life
() saw your favorite band/artist live
() saw someone famous in person
() did something you want to tell everyone
(Yeah!!! I know this isn't an X... fuck you all!!!!) enjoyed this year overall

Yeah that was a pain in the ass, stupid blogger, makes me press enter for every one of those, now I have to go up and tick all the ones I've actually done... how irritating.

------------------{ UPDATE }-------------------

So t's the next day and I actually have a dedicated internet server here at home, which equates to having the internet whenever I want it, which is definately a good thing. It's been a tough week since I got back from Perth. Weve been house hunting for the better part of the week and have been rejected from almost every house that we have applied for. We have seen four ideal houses go by and the spirits of my two friends is getting darker and darker. Lynelle has been sick for most of the week and her stomach and her mood have really put a dampener on her and the groups spirits. Ned is falling into a certain despair as well, as he got as lucky as I did the first time he rented and is not used to so much rejection.

Well, I hear you ask, what about the person who is usually the most pessimistic in the group, if your two far superior friends are feeling down, what about you? Trying to kill yourself yet?

Not in the slightest, ne thing I have to admit being a little surprised about is that I have managed to stay almost superhumnaly optimistic throughout this entire process, and with good reason. Having another two of my friends come and live in Wagga, in such lose proximity to me is a massive leap in the right direction for me. It means that I will have the motivation I need, the motivation that Jassi could not have hoped to provide entirely on his own, to get where I want to go.

Incidentally, the house that we are currently looking at and awaiting a call from hs the cutest real estate guy, when he first came to see us, Nell and I were like "Uh huh, HELLO!!!!". He's hurt his foot badly over the weekend, so he can't approve or decline our application. My sympathies go out to you Cade...

List ten things you want to say to people but know you never will.
- Don't say who they are.
- Disable comments.
- Never discuss it again

1. It's not that your not enough, it's just that I cannot change the way I feel as quickly as some people. Tme will tell.

2. There is a very uncomfortable vibe between us and I am doing everything in my ower to avoid you because of it. I'm sorry, it's just the way it is.

3. Sometimes you frustrate me so much. I love you to death and sometimes I feel like the dirt gets more attention from you than I do.

4. Frustration is knowing that your good at something, but knowing you'll never get a chance to prove it.

5. Thankyou so much for everything you gave me. I know I never looked like I was listening to you, but you were my inspiration, and I will take the way you lived with me throughout the rest of my life.

6. Why can't you trust me. I would give my life for my friends, all of them, and you believe so vehemently in the fact I would turn my head on one of the closest friends I've ever had. I'm sorry, but that is beyond my ability to comprehend.

7. I am so wary of you now. You've caused me so much pain, so much anger, so much loss, but you still have something about you which drawns me to you. Once bitten twice shy, but twice bitten no cigar. We may talk, but don't ever expect me to trust you again.

8. I'm sorry I make you hate yourself, I'm sorry that I push for things that make you feel this way. I'm sorry that I feel the way I feel. I'm sorry that it will never change. I'm sorry if that forces me to lose you.

9. I regret the distance I have placed between us. You and I are always going to be good mates, but the fact that I see you as dangerous will always be the distance required to stop us from being great mates. I'm sorry that I can't do anything about that.

10. I love you but some times you need to learn to grow up. The world does not revolve around you, it never did. You are a capable person who does not need the entire world bowing to them to acheive thier results.

“A roof to keep out the rain? Four walls to keep
out the wind? Floors to keep out the cold? Yes, but home is more than that. It is the laugh of a baby, the song of a mother, the strength of a father, warmth of loving hearts, lights from happy eyes, kindness, loyalty, comradeship. Home is
first school and first church for young ones, where they learn what is right, what is good, and what is kind, where they go for comfort when they are hurt or sick; where joy is shared sorrow eased; where fathers and mothers are respected and
loved, where children are wanted; where the simplest food is good enough for kings because it is earned; where money is not as important as loving-kindness; where even the tea kettle sings from happiness. That is home. God bless it!" -
Anonymous
FallenPhoenix

Christmas in the West: A Puzzle on the Ground

2005-12-26T13:19:00.000+11:00

So, here we are, a day after christmas and several members of my family are ill from food they ate yesterday. To be perfectly honest with the readers of this text, I'm not feeling brilliant either, but I'm not vomiting, I'd actually rather keep it that way.

So christmas was actually exactly what I wanted it to be, quiet, laidback and comfortable. Aside breakfast at the in-laws house in the morning, the day was pleasurably comfortable. I still miss home, but this was among the best christmasses that I could have wished for away from it.

I spend most of the day head down in my book, listening to good music. At the end of the day, I managed to score some coke and chocolate just before the video ezy thats a one minute walk from us closed. It was a lovely day, quite warm, and I sat out and tried my best to help keep the tan I only had to walk to Lynelle's to attain.

So now I sit, with James, Bailey and my Grandmother all sick, and I wonder whats it's going to be like over the next couple of days. I'm starting to get into a routine here, living each day as it comes. I know I'm going to have to be here until the end of my stay, so being so forlorn about it isn't going to do anything. I miss the people at home so very dearly, but me being all pouty and non-enjoyable isn't going to bring them to me. So I have to occupy my time so I don't have so much time to be so dissagreeable.

I have a few things to do today, and I'd love to see the city again at some stage, but everyone being ill kinda keeps me housebound to a degree. I'm tempted to get a map of Perth and see exactly how far away from the beach I am and try and plot a way to get there. I have three weeks with which to spend my time, and I need to be sure that I get to the beach as often as I can in that time. All I can say to that is that I will work as hard as I can to get there as often as I can, I need a strong natural presence to connect to yesterday as I used an excessive amount of my energy during the day and I need to recharge fairly seriously. It's been a while since I've flexed my own magical muscles, and I found that while none of my skill has left me, a lot of my endurance has. I'll have plenty of time to hone that while I'm here, but right now, it's just occured to me that this is probably why I feel so ill.

Anyways folkies, I'll leave you with a quote for the day and bid thee adeui, till next time.

"Begin today! No matter how feeble the light, let it shine as best it may.
The world may need just that quality of light which you have." - Henry C.
Blinn

FallenPhoenix

Song Lyrics: Mind of thier Own.

2005-12-24T17:00:00.000+11:00

Heard a song on the way over to Perth, was meant to post it in the last post but forgot. Here it is in full detail.

There's something I'm feeling, there's something that's wrong
These streets are revealing, in the early morn,
The war was last night, these wounds are not healed
If we keep believing, then we've gotta feel

As it goes
By the story that's already told
Comes a time when we all must let go
What happened to the story
Discontent it cuts inside
It's not meant to, be this lonely
We were never meant to fail
Something that's crawling
In my skin
Emotions are falling
As it begins
I lost all my virtues
Long ago
I didn't want to hurt you
But now we know

As it goes
By the story that's already told
Comes a time when we all must let go
What happened to the story
Discontent it cuts inside
It's not meant to, be this lonely
We were never meant to fail

Never meant to fail
Never meant to fail

As it goes
By the story that's already told
Comes a time when we all must let go
What happened to the story
Discontent it cuts inside
It's not meant to, be this lonely

We were never meant to fail
We were never meant to fail
We were never meant to fail
We were never meant to fail
We were never meant to fail

-Alex Lloyd, "Never Meant to Fail"

FallenPhoenix

Have a Happy Holiday: The Thousand Mile Paradox

2005-12-24T16:04:00.000+11:00

This is the first in a series of posts which find me on the other side of the country, a place which I am happy to say is among the most picturesque I have ever been to in my life. Perth, from all accounts, is simply stunning, something I cannot really do justice with simple phone pictures and description, those closest to me will be recieving postcards within the next couple of days, but don't be too offended if you do not, I had money for only three of the opulet little buggers, and I had to be fairly selective with my choices of who got what.

I had my first adventure into the city of Perth today, which, while short lived, was pretty stunning. The entire city is built on a series of wonderful rolling hills, and all the houses seem nice and open. This has to be the cleanest state capital I have ever visited with some of the most amazing architecure, with only Melbourne coming close to it's scenic value. I've never seen a city filled with so many glrious tree's. It's great.

The city is marvellous to be sure, and although I am only early into my stay I am happy to say that this place looks like it's got a lot to discover and I have a full three weeks to work it out.

We had like a neighbourhoood barbeque last night and I got to meet a lot of James and Rachels friends, something I was glad for. They seem to be in a really warm neighbourhood, and thats a good thing, because when you've got three young kiddies, it's good to have the entire neighbourhood looking after them.

The flight over to Perth was a good one, I got to see the most awesome lightshow, a thunderstorm from 30,000ft. Thats going to be something I remember along with the glorious sunrise which made me fall in love with the sun when I was coming back from India. I always had a respect for nature and seeing lightning jet out of the top of clouds on a black background flying over the Australian Bite. It was spectacular.

I'm over a thousand miles from home at the moment, and every single inch of it feels like a blade through my soul. I love my home, and I love the people there and it's going to be a very challenging couple of weeks over here. Still, I'm trying to stay resolved to have as much fun over here as possible. Someone very close to me, and a few not so close have said that this trip is probably a good thing for me, because I am coming a little bit too dependant on certain people. I beg to differ, I quite like the feeling of dependance after so long on my own, but still, there is merit to what has been said.

So now, all I have to do is keep positive and keep in touch with people. I'm just remember how much fun Rachel can be, and having someone intelligent, well worded and interesting around to chat with is a boon I needed. We have a lot of similar opinions, and the ones we don't share she is willing to discuss, which is something I have a lot of fun with, so that should be good.

Ok folks, with Christmas just tommorow, I wish all of you the very merriest of christmasses, and a happy and Safe holiday season. Look after yourselves tommorow and stay sensible. You have all my love folks.

Cheers from the West...

"No minute gone comes ever back again, take heed and see ye nothing do in
vain" - London Plaza Motto, Perth, Western Australia.

FallenPhoenix

Dreamweavers Melody: Hope Springs Eternal

2005-12-12T13:51:00.000+11:00

I'm sitting in the Leeton library at the moment, kinda confused because I've had my government benefits cut for being 21, something I wasn't entirely aware of. I guess it's just a matter of making a few phone calls and getting everything readjusted, but we'll see.

I really can't talk for long, but I decided that I needed to make a post because I needed to explain to everyone a few things that have been happening in this world. I'm back in an enigmatic mood, so when it gets to the key stuff, you guys have the fun part of working out who I mean.

At the moment, my heart and mind are set on wagga, I am focused like nothing on this earth. I will make this happen guys, because my future depends on it.

Now, here's where it gets interesting.

One person has surprised me this week with thier ability to be such a nice person one minute and not so nice the next, I think this person will always be one of my closest friends, but more of a brother than an actual mate.
One person this week remained strong after adversity threatened to claim them. I trust this person and know they will be alright.
One person this week proved to me that they care even when they say that they do not. They proved they have a lot of courage to keep as close to me as they do, and will always be close to me.
One person this week proved without a doubt that they were too scared to divulge thier true self to me or anyone else. They continue to wrap themselves in lies, and although I will never say a word, they continue to lose status in my eyes.
One person suffered yet another blow to an already harsh year this week, and is continuing to roll with almost unbearable punches. This person has demonstrated a strength of character I'm proud of, and I salute them for it.
One person this week has managed to demonstrate exactly how desperate they are for attention, going out of thier way to attract it at every available opportunity, it is a shame that they have done damage in seeking this out, as it will doubtlessly lower thier standings with me as a result.

I will leave you all with a thought that will make no sense to anyone, not even my closest and best. Dade, even I'm dissapointed in you, you gave up something so special, and you don't even understand it yet. I still love you little dude, but you need to wisen up, you know your brother loves you, but you've caused what must now follow. If you ever need anyone... you know where I am.

"Music is the life of the spirit, the heart of the mind and the joy to the ears;
live this passion and you will see the light beneath the
darkness."
-Anonymous

FallenPhoenix

Defeating Darkness: The Warrior Within

2005-11-20T03:11:00.000+11:00

You know, despite all the varying emotions and mental states that I have experianced over the last three days, I would have to say right now that I am feeling happy and liberated. There has been a lot of shadow surrounding me over the last few months and I am quite sure now, sitting in my cousins house at 2am on this warm november morning, that 90% of those shadows were in my head.

One of my friends told me not a week ago that only I could make myself happy. I immediately threw that suggestion to the dogs, knowing it as a fact to be untrue, but on further thought of the matter over the last couple of days, I find that it may indeed have merit. I think the skeptisism that I show over such ludicrous idea's has something to do with my constant inner need to be serving other people. I'll admit this works wonders if content is as far as you want to go in life, but the way I see it now is a little different to my opinion earlier in the week. I'll explain the change of heart a little later but for now lets address the problem of the present. I am the only one who can make me happy, but thats a mental thing more than a situational thing. My friend was correct in a sense, but the context in which I was viewing her statement was incorrect. If only I had opened my eyes and stopped being so bloody blind eh? Oh well, small steps people.

So I got a chance to actually sit and talk to Jarrod this weekend. It wasn't for near as long as I would have liked, but we got a chance to sort through a few things and I now realise that so much of the distance that I have created around the two of us is totally unnessisary. He and I are still very good friends, but this protective bubble I have around myself to ward away pain seems to have done the exact opposite in this case and hedged out someone who really could have helped me a few times when I really needed it. I think that I underestimated Jarrod in the very least, and I think it's time for me to step up and give him the credit he deserves.

Actually, I don't think I'm giving enough people enough credit. I need to open my eyes again and see whats going on around me. Focusing on my problems isn't healthy and I need to look around for other things to do when my personal life gets too tough. Thats not to say I can just ignore whats going on behind the scenes, which is unrealistic and a little stupid, I just mean that constantly focusing on such negative things is driving me insane.

So I laid out my problem to Jarrod, the problem our little triangle is having at the moment, and the simplicity in which he attacked the issue is something I am going to respect with him. Although he as yet does not know the full story (or the full extent) of our little cabal, his advice was faultless. It's something I am going to have to think about first. I know it's what I need, but at the moment, that is conflicting with what I want, and I need to work out why, and then which one is stronger.

This weekend has proved so much to me, and writing it down tonight is both possible and tempting, but sleep is something I need to think about at some stage as well. At the end of today, I was so worried about what was going to happen when I got back to Leeton, and I sit here in the dark knowing still that it will likely be uncomfortable for me, but this is something that needs to be addressed and I am feeling better about addressing it now.

I got a chance to be truly alone for the first weekend in a very long time, away from the influences of my two dear friends, and it's something that I wasn't looking forward too, nor was it something I handled particularly well at first. Loneliness turned into worry, which morphed into fear, which trasmuted into paranoia, then melted into resignation, all before I got a chance to pin down what the hell was going on. As usual, I read far too far into everything, made all the wrong assumtions and felt horrible for most of the weekend, but guess what, guess where the positive is in all of this. Here I am, telling you all of this now, and not one person helped me reach this point. I know I'm overreacting now, and I can reign it in before it hurts anyone. For the first time in a while, I managed to keep my stupid little paranoia to myself and avert a lot of the damage that could have been caused by it. A few messages did let slip, but I was strong enough to dodge a potentially fatal phonecall, and in the end, I am sure that everything worked out for the best.

This of course brings me to the title of the post, The Warrior Within. I've been very worried over the last few months that I was losing the ability to fight my own battles, and had accepted to a point that I needed other people to help me through tough times from now on. Unforunately, this frame of thought is dangerous, for there are times when even the most astute of friends cannot help you, so losing the ability to defend oneself is a worrying, daunting and belittling problem, something I couldn't adequately explain to anyone. I am just so lucky I managed to find the skils within to fight the darkness this weekend, I found my sword once more, and realised that I never really lost it, I just wasn't looking for it.

Which brings me back to the issue of being blind. This is, of course, very figurative, for my vision is as fine as ever, but it's where my focus lies that is where the real problem I am facing at the moment. I am focused on the actions of two people. I love these people like no-one on this earth a love that is something that I have always wanted to experiance, but this love is dangerous for a number of reasons. I do not feel this feeling in return from either of them, which is something that worries me, although things may change with time. Furthermore, despite the fact that I have such deep feelings for both of these people, a problem ensues from the fact that I am not focusing on the right things.

I am focusing on actions rather than on people. I fell in love with the people, yet I am making my emotional connection with thier actions. Making a connection with two people who do not share your feelings leads to nothing but heartache, and I need to refocus so I am once again watching the people, not the actions.

I used to think I was such a wonderful actor, with all the skills I would need to make it big in the world. It was such a gorgeous dream, to star in a movie, to be famous, to make hundreds of millions of people all around the world laugh at the antics of a character I effortlessly mistrated. Such a dream is over for me now, with reality bringing all the quirks that it always does, but I have other dreams now, and I feel like I've been sitting in concrete armour as the sands of time flow around and up over me, unmoving and unchanging, uunable to act. I am a re-actor. I use what other people give me to construct what I do in any given situation. I only make decisions in the more dire of consequences and when I do it is usually who do defer to. This is a fascinating trait to discover in oneself, especially when one of my secret motivators is the aquisition of power. I am a behind the scenes leader, preferring to use non-descript methods to acheive my goals. I am only just noticing however, that using such methods rarely acheives what I want it to.

It's time for me to start actually looking at what I want and making an active effort to work towards such a goal. There are two people in this world that I want more than anything in the world and for the last four months, I've been sitting there, waiting for them to come to me, I have never once communicated in a clear and concise manner what it was I wanted from either of them, and if I don't do it soon, I think I'm going to lose the chance with them both forever. I'm scared of what such an action will bring, but it's something I deserve and it's something they deserve and in the end it's got to happen. Sooner rather than later in my opinion.

Lastly, to sign off on this mega-long post, I am going to make a formal, if quiet apology. To all the people who I shut out while I gazed hopelessly at something I couldn't have, you have my deepest and heartfelt apologies. You fine folks know who you are, some of you read these journals, some of you don't, but some way or another, you will hear from me to get the apology you deserve. Sometimes the pursuit of happiness leaves you further from it than you were at the start. Sometimes it's nessisary for you to take charge again and refocus on the things in life that will remain unchanged. I needed to learn this, and I'm so sorry that you all had to pay for it. I'm not just blaming myself, but I had a lot to do with it. Things are on the mend though, you have my word on that. I cannot be of use to anyone as anything until I fix myself. Finally I realise that. Thankyou to all of you who stuck with me through this time, and a fond farewell to those of you who did not. It's such a shame to part on terms that were self-inflicted, but thats the bitter-sweet beauty of life. And onwards the dance does go...

I leave you all with a quote that does not hail from my usual sourcebook, and a fond farewell for keeping up with me on this monumental post. I hope you can see a change in the mental structure of these arguements now, I feel like so much has happened in the space of two days, I just can't wait to see if it actually changes my life. One can only wait and see.

"To repeat what others have said, requires education; to challenge it, requires brains;"
-Mary Pettibone Poole

Stay safe my friends, and know that as long as I draw breath I will continue to fight, and now, once again, I join the fight for myself.

FallenPhoenix

Dispelling Shadow: Light in Shining Armour

2005-11-03T21:43:00.000+11:00

You know, my compy just crashed and ate my post… but hey, I can’t be bothered typing up a new one. I’m going to bed, for those of you who want a teaser, here is all my compy saved.

“You know, after all the trials and tribulations of the last few days I am actually feeling really good. I must admit that it doesn’t happen as often as it should, but tonight, after a really crap couple of days, I’m doing really well. Perhaps the Great Lord and Lady are helping me already, I’m not sure, but I like it.”

Till tomorrow folks.

FallenPhoenix

- Update -

Lets try and rekindle some of the post I made last night...

Ok, so Tim came online right at the right time. I got to talk to him for quite a while last night actually, and it's exactly what I needed. I had just had two sad and a little depressing talks with Nell and Ned, because of thier distance and them both wanting to help me, and then Tim shows up and literally parts the clouds. We had a great time chatting, and it made me literally forget why I was having such a bad time. For all the complications in my life, Tim and my relationship is so very simple, it's a connection I've taken for granted, but the last three times we have talked, he has interrupted a really bad day and made me laugh, and I like that in a person.

I think I'm looking in the wrong places for happiness. I used to think that I needed a physical relationship to be happy, but I am beginning to realise that this is not entirely true. As important as physicality is, it's not the be all and end all of a relationship, and I need to be completely comfortable with a person before I enter into any type of lasting relationship with them, and I am only now beginning to realise how hard it is for me to be completely comfortable with every aspect of a person.

Happiness for me as been a very elusive subject over the last couple of years, and I am not saying that it's something thats going to be coming into my life any time soon, but I think I need to actually open my eyes and see the world again, to stop being so damn focused on things that really aren't going to change just because I want them too. I have so many skills, so many talents that I'm not using because I want something I can never have, and I need to refocus and start actually using these to be happy.

I cannot begin until my mind is in the right place, but I am already changing, I can feel it. Thank the Lord and Lady with every passing breath.

"Light creates shadow, light destroys shadow, such is the transience of darkness..."
-Unknown

Fallen Phoenix

Fighting Stasis: An Introspective Struggle

2005-10-21T12:05:00.000+10:00

I'm slack for taking this long to write an entry, and it's because so much has been happening in my life and in my mind, not for any lack of something to write about.I feel like for the last week I've been swimming through a combination of honey and quicksand. I don't know which way is up and I'm struggling to make any progress at all. There are a lot of issues that are floating around my head at the moment, and I need to resolve all of them in the right order or I'm going to end up having some sort of spectacular breakdown and end up hating myself for the actions I have taken. It's going to be an interesting journey.

Our little triangle which has been the cornerstone for my issues in the last couple of months is still an issue. All of us got a case of the warm-fuzzies last weekend, and although we got some stuff sorted out, there is still a lot that needs to be talked about if we are to make any progress at all. I mean, I'll speak for myself personally, I managed to talk to both Ned and Nell about how I felt, and I feel like I got a little bit about thier motivations out of both of them, but I can't help feeling like we are still in the same place, just with more knowledge.

The one thing I need from both of them, they can't seem to give me. I can tell each one exactly how I feel about them, I can tell each one exactly what they mean to me, but I feel like they do not know what role I play in their lives, I feel like they cannot decide where they want me when what I need is solid answers. I feel like too much more of this is going to make me implode.

This is going to cause ripples, because I don't usually like talking about what’s bothering me, and people are going to find out through this and perhaps react accordingly. If that’s what it takes to get the information I need, then maybe, just maybe, this will have been for a good cause. It feels like each one of them has a rope, each one is attached to one side of my head and both are pulling me in different directions. I can't do both. I don't even know for sure anymore which direction I wanna take. The one that opens up to me first will probably secure that decision. I am already placing bets as to who that will be.

This is an odd feeling for me, I don't like being fought for. I don't like being in the middle of something. It's unusual. It's not right. In any case, I'm in this position for now, and the only way out seems to be through someone. So many people keep telling me to go with my heart, but my heart says not to pick at all, because I know that any choice is going to hurt someone, and not making a choice is going to kill me. I don't know what to do right now what I do know is that I can get help with it, it is just a matter of finding out which one of my friends works it out first. I don't like to place bets, but I think I know who it's going to be.

And so begins the next chapter of this year. Live to Learn and Learn to Live, that’s how the saying goes.

"I feel so bad, and I must say to you...sorry...but...Nobody's perfect. Nobody's perfect. What did you expect? I'm doing my best." -Madonna

FallenPhoenix

Lament of Shadowlight - Echoes of the Past

2005-10-06T21:44:00.000+10:00

“Why does it always have to be one way?” These words brought me to one of my most powerful and far-reaching observation this weekend. I do not ask for anything from my friends. This does not surprise me, I never have. What surprised me is that I don’t offer anything, even when I am asked, for the hopes that they will just go away, that their curiosity will fade and they will go back to their usual state of apathy so that things can be better. I will try as actively as I can to make everything seem like its going exactly as I planned it so that things do not focus on me. The most ironic thing is that I want people to pry, I want people to try and help, but after one misdirection, one push in the wrong direction, they just give up. I suppose, in a sense, I deserve that, I misdirect people from my real purpose so often that they just stop caring after a while. Like Jassi once said to me, I just don’t give people anything and finally, after long enough of me just passing the time with them, they just give up and forget I exist.

I do it on purpose as well; it’s a defense mechanism which has worked really well in the past. People just give up on me after a while; they figure I am shallow and one dimensional, boring and vague, uninteresting and hypocritical. Then, they leave. I know my current group of friends are easily the group that have cared for me the most, they take the time to ask and they have tried really hard along the way, but honestly, they have just reached a point where I’m beginning to lose them. See, the major issue with this is that they spend the first part of the friendship trying to hard to get to know me and try and help me, but they keep hitting brick walls and getting completely shot down by my fake lies and critical wordplay. Eventually, by the time I am ready to open myself up; they have given up and don’t want anything to do with me. It happened with Tam, and it’s going to happen with Jarrod. Eventually, it will happen with Ned and Lynelle. They are different, don’t get me wrong, but they are not strong enough to break that final wall, they don’t want to. I don’t honestly believe they could handle it anyway, I am very demanding when my walls are down. I need lots of attention, and I am easily offended and easily hurt. Eventually, even these two people, who lounge in this room with me as I write this, will find out that I am not worth the trouble they have been through to get to know me and they will run like all the others leaving me on my own.

Am I strong enough to fight on my own anymore, I am not overly sure. I will try to continue without them when they leave me, but I feel weaker than I did when I met them, like they have stripped away at my defenses and have left me cold and bare against the world when they are not around. They have made me dependant, and part of me is so angry about that. In a way, they have deceived me with false promises and kind words. They made me believe, even if it was for a very short time, that I would have them both forever. I am beginning to wise up to the fact that nothing last forever, and our cute little friendship group has well and truly past its golden age. The only place we can go from here is down.

I once believed that losing these two would secure my death. I want to believe that’s not the case. I want to believe that I am still strong enough to stand alone. I don’t know anymore, and that’s so sad. What’s worse, if any of my friends were to write something like this, I would be busting my gut to read it, and then after reading this, I would be doing my utmost to make sure they knew that everything in this passage was completely false. I’m willing to put bets on the fact that neither person in this room will ask about the contents of this passage, nor will either make conscious efforts to read it. I will be left, as always, to fight my own daemons. I am lucky that I can handle being alone, but it does prove a point my grandmother pointed out, my friendships are incredibly one sided. Why does it have to be so one sided grandmother, well… it’s because if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t have any friends.

“The brightest light casts the longest shadows…” – Anonymous.

FallenPhoenix

Flames from the Ashes: Healing Light

2005-09-01T21:58:00.000+10:00

Ok... first time ever that blurty ate my bloody post. How irritating. Well, it was longish, but I want to get it on paper, so lets go to the ultra-fun task of re-writing it.

I started today out thinking that it was going to be one of the worst days of my life, reading the post before this one moments ago made me realise exactly how much pain I was in last night. I thought my entire world was crumbling before me. Today turned out to be a reinforcement of the things that I have achieved over the last few years. I feel now that Tam really didn't give me the benefiet of the doubt. I know where I stand, I did nothing wrong and it is her that created the distance between the two of us. Ultimately, if she believes I have done this act, then perhaps we have already drifted too far apart.

Today started with a workshop with a presentation due which I had been dreading. After last nights little debacle, I was completely unprepared, I was tired, emotional and I felt like shit. I got into the room and Jane tells me that I am going third and I almost burst into tears. Little did I know, but apparently this didn't go unnoticed. I got up to do my presentation, and as Jane was getting my marking sheet ready, noneother than Shelly jumped at me with some bitchy sarcastic comment which made me laugh so hard that I instantly felt better. I think she knew what she was doing to, because after that, my presentation was absolute wildfire. I actually felt better for the rest of the day thanks to that. Humour is a big comfort to me.

Straight after class I called Nell, another great comfort for me. She was worried, I could here it in her voice, but she perked up immediately when she heard I was doing better. She even gave me an awesome task to do while I was waiting for the bus. For all of you who don't know, this is particle man ---> . <--- Anyways, so after that awesome little sidetrack, I called Jassi and we organised lunch. I got back into town and spent the afternoon with the Roomie. Spending time with Jassi today made me realise something. Yes, ok, he did hurt me back at school, but I am really truly over that. Tam is not being fair when she judges him for the things he did at school. He has changed so much over the course of the last three years, through experiances and people which have seen him grow into an intelligent and critical young man who I am proud to call one of my closest friends. People change. She isn't being fair on him, and it makes me sad, and a little angry. So after spending the afternoon with Jassi, I went back to class and had what now feels like one of the most positive and enjoyable classes I have had in the longest time. I feel like I belong with this group of people now. Shelly and I are now getting on, and because I was so tired, I was actually able to lay back and relax for a change, and showed a lot of myself to the class. I'm making friends, I have a few people I talk to now and the world is feeling like it has so much support. Ultimately, I have learned today that although I am deeply saddened by what I feel is the loss of a friend, I have some of the strongest, most caring and interesting people in my life and they all know who I am and what I stand for. If Tam cannot see that I adore my friends and would willing give my life for each and every one of them, then perhaps she and I have drifted far too far to ever come back. I hate the fact that it's true, but I don't wanna go through the rest of my life feeling like I've done something wrong. I know I haven't, and if she does not, then so be it... I'll be ok, I know that now. I have some of the best people by my side, and I'll be fine. From the Ashes, I'll spring anew, and this time, I'll be harder than ever to keep down.

"Pat dogs, smile at children, eat like a king, live like a rock star, honour your mother and wipe every slate clean as you dream at night" - Banjo Pattersons Mother, Adapted by Shelly Little.

Fallen Phoenix

The Death of Innocence: A Friendship Lost

2005-08-31T00:04:00.000+10:00

I don't think I fully understand what just happened right now. I just got a call from Tam, who accused me of making some horrible phone call to her about a month ago and apparently she knows I did it and was looking for an apology and an admittance.

I do not, and cannot believe that she would actually believe that I would do something like that. She was entirely convinced that I would pull a stunt like that and be fucking proud of it, like I owned her suffering or something. She was under the direct impression that Jassi and I would sit in a room and give her a call, just for kicks, and hurt her and not admit it, just for a bit of fun, just a bit of a laugh on uni night. This is entirely fucked up.

To me, I feel like I've just lost one of the people who really understood me, purely because they didn't understand me enough. She seemed to be under the impression that I would do something like this for fun, and that I would deny it just like I have at other times. She left no room for me to defend myself. Fuck I feel trapped.

Scary thing is, I have no idea what this situation is going to lead to. I know for a fact that this "act" was never perpetrated by me, and although I have no means of proving myself innocent, I can only draw security from the fact that I didn't do it. I will never own up to something that I didn't do. Tam asked me on the phone if it would really be so bad, after all the lies I told that I just took this one on the chin, and I was like, yes, it would. For me to admit that I did something that I blatantly did not would be to sell out and do something that I am admitting not to have done in the first place, it's a fucking paradox. I can't lie to her by saying that I've lied to her. It makes little sense at a glance, but nor does this entire bloody situation.

I'm gonna go now and pleasantly distract myself from my pain.

"The answers to life questions lie inside of you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust." - Anonymous.

FallenPhoenix

Thoughts from the Grave: Understanding Relationships

2005-08-30T20:37:00.000+10:00

Interesting title choice for this week, and explained all in due time. Due however to a promise I made my vampiress early on in our friendship, I have a survey to fill out before I do any real reflection. Plus it makes all you guys and gals who read this have to listen to random shit about me, and if you don't care, why are you reading my blog.

Nell's Vital Facts:
Full Name: Steven Wayne James Sullivan
Nickname: Steve
Birthday: 25th of November, 1984
Birthplace: Canterbury Hospital, Sydney, New South Wales, Australia
Childhood Home: My family home in Currawang Ave, Leeton.
Current Residence: See Above...
Parents: Mum got preggers when she was 16, had me to a random who stuck with her for about a year before buggering off. Apparently, there was no ill feeling between the two, but my mother told me that, and she's not the most credible creature out there, so I'll believe what I like. My current story is that he was a drug addict, I might change.
Siblings: Two younger half brothers, Frank and Sam. *sigh*
National Heritage: God, Mother was adopted so I haven't got the slightest bloody clue. Dad (from the one picture we have) looks kinda slimy, but ultimately caucasian.
Hair: Puffy Black thick mess at the moment, I'm actually remembering the sensation of long hair and I'm getting back into it. I'm gonna have to do something with the thickness soon tho, because it's getting ridiculous.
Eyes: Varies, Anywhere between Green and Blue, and the specks alternate between brown and gold. It very much depends on mood.
Scar: I have one on my arm from where someone threw a rock at me in primary school, I have a scar on my forehead where I split it open trying to climb a slippery-dip, one on my foot which I split open playing in my backyard, and my newest permanent scar is the one on my chin where I broke my jaw ice-skating.
Shoe Size: 14-15 at least.
Pet: None anymore.
Sports Teams: None at the moment... sport was never really my thing.
Best Friend: Ned, tho Nell and Jassi rank up there. Nell and I have a list, we should use it more often.
First Oversea's Trip: India for 99-00 Christmas Holidays.
Possible College: I'm at Wagga's CSU Campus, so I'm not sure what I should write here. Oh Look I wrote something...
Musical Influence: I am eclectic when it comes to my music. Go look it up guys...
Instrument: Vocals all the way. I'm gumpy with everything else bar piano, which I have a rudimentary knowledge of, tho I was never graded.
Worst Habit: Hmmm, my lack of organisation. I jusat can't get organise. I try, and then can't be bothered following myself up on it. That annoys me the most anyway...
Future Goals: If I can say I'm happy with my job and my life in 10 years time, that'd rock. It's unlikely, but it'd rock my world and I'll work towards it.
2005 New Years Resolution: I don't do resolutions. No regrets policy.
Charity: Anything for disadvantaged or abused children. Nothing makes me angrier than people who take advantage of thier power over younger people, and helping them to find better situations or to cope with the effects of a previous situation is something I would definately work for.
Theater Roles: Hmmm, I loved my Occa Pizza Man, Frank. Beyond that, so much of my work was abstract or absurd, it makes it difficult to pick roles.

Fabulous Faves
Sports: I loved my soccer and my tennis, as well as my gymnastics. Unfortunately, all three play on your knees and are currently off my to-do list.
Sports team: The Parramatta Eels, The Sydney Swans.
Sports Player: Adam Schnieder... cause we went to school together.
Electronic Gadget: My phone for sure. Uhh Eddy, can I Phone a Friend?
Number: 9
School Subject: Drama, Ancient History, English
Teacher: Mr Tsoukalidis, Ms. Drew, Mrs. Tsoukalidis.
Breakfast Food: Bacon and Eggs. Steak. A good hearty meal to start the day is the right way to go.
Pizza: BBQ chicken. Nell said it well. I'm a poet and I suck. :P:P
Food: Spag Bol. MMMMMMmmmmm.
Meal: Steak and Veggies will go down as one of my all time favourite dishes.
Sodas: Coke.
Drink: Gloria Jeans Irish Nut and Creme with Creme.
Fruit: Fresh Granny Smith Apples.
Ice Cream: Caramel Ice Cream, or Strawberry Ice Cream that you make yourself... mmmm.
Candy: Nerds.
Fast Food Resturant: I'm a Macca's Man.
T.V show: At the moment, Aussie Idol 3.
Movies: The Lord of the Rings Series, Radio Flyer.
Actors: Robin Williams, Jaoquin Phoenix
Actress: Meryl Streep, Helen Hunt, Drew Barringmore.
Musical Artists: Casey Donovan, Kaya, Yanni.
Animal: Dogs, Foxes, Llama's.
Relaxation: Meditation, Writing, RPG's.
Holiday: Anything near a beach. I love Christmas holidays. My christmas holidays last year were the most memorable yet.
Style of clothes: Daggy... meh whatever..
Bumming-around clothes: I buy clothes to wear, I wear them whenever the whim strikes me. Is that an issue?
Mode of Travel: I love walking, it clears the mind. But for long distance, road-trips are the go.
Colgone: Fire and Ice is my personal favourite.
Clothing Designers: Whatever... like I care.
Clothing Store: *yawns*
Watch: I haven't owned a watch in years. I have a phone.
Boxers or Briefs: Boxers all the way, though as Ned and I have learned, never go trampolining in boxers.
Shoes: Joggers, they are so multi-functional.
Dream car: Cars are for people with licences, and I can't take a hint.
Books: The Belgaraid Series of books by David and Leigh Eddings.
Childhood Books: I used to read Readers Digests and Medical Journals when I was little.
Cartoon Characters: Ultimately, Luna is still my favourite.
Theme Park Ride: The big tower one at Dreamworld on the Goldcoast was for me the best.
Video game Platform: PS2 or Compy...
Newest Interest: Finding out how much my friends keep from me and why...

Well I finnally finished that one, and yes Nell it did take forever. These last two weekends have been about redifining friendships for me. I have had to work out how I feel about the two people closest to me and where we fit in on the grand scale of things. I think where the three of us are in terms of relationships at the moment is a little blurry, but I can say without question that we are very very close as a group. Nell and I teeter on the edge of an interesting but dangerous precipice at the moment, she and I are either going to try a physical relationship or just remain close friends. At this stage, I think that the only thing that would change as far as our relationship would go is our physicality towards each other. To be perfectly honest, Nell knows most everything there is to know about me, and she is among my closest confidantes. I have given her my heart already and I feel like the only thing that would change would be the way we interact. I think that a healthy amount of caution needs to be taken into account here, as we could both end up losing each other if we botch this too badly. At the moment, Nell has the ball, I've already told her how I feel, and now, when the time is right, I will finally know how she feels. I'm a patient man, and I want her to know for sure that what she is doing is the right decision before she answers me.

Ned and I have grown so close over the last few weeks, and we are begginning to blur the line between friends and family. Regardless of time, distance and sensibility, Ned will always remain a member of my family and my closest, dearest and most treasured friend. I consider him almost like a very close brother, someone I know will be there all the time, even if he doesn't agree. He and I are so comfortable around each other, we've been through more than most friends could ever say they have been and it's linked us in a way few will ever experiance. I am grateful that he is there for me, and I feel so lucky to be able to call him a friend. He worries me sick sometimes, and I wish I knew the answers to questions that he asks. All I can do is show him what I believe and hope that it makes a difference.

For now, I will leave you all with a quote. I will return to this post a little later.

"There are so many pressures to make it big by the time you are thirty. Life and learning is an ongoing process. Success does not mean wealth, corporate occupation or physical beauty. Success is happiness within yourself. Inner Beauty. The brain listens for difference not similarity. Stimulation not boredom. To exist you must adapt or you will lose your sense of direction and find yourself in a living death." - Anonymous.

FallenPhoenix

A Friend in Need, a Friend Indeed: The End of an Era

2005-08-24T12:45:00.000+10:00

Ned, Ned, Ned... Dude, sometimes I am so lucky to have you, if anyone knows what it takes to break down my walls gently enough not to break me in the process, it would be you. Ned and I had a very serious D&M last night, and while a whole heap of old issues cropped up that I wasn't entirely ready to deal with again, I feel like right now, I have someone whose gonna support me through anything and everything I do from now until the end of time, and thats a really really satisfying, as well as a safe and comforting feeling.

There is so much more that I wish I could write down right now, but to be honest, I need time to format everything in my head. I got a chance to write in Ned's little black book this morning, but my grandmother was being nosy and irritating once again. She caught me coming back from my walk at 5am yesterday morning and nearly had a fit, so she's overly suspicious at the moment.

Right now, I want something to numb the brain, I think I'm hurting at the moment, and I want to desperately escape into something that requires minimal brain power.

A quiz should do nicely, tho doubtlessly, it'll be somewhat darker than usual.

[1] First grade teacher's name: Mrs. Griffiths
[2] Last word you said: ya...
[3] Last song you sang: "This is How it Goes" - Missy Higgin's
[4] Last person you hugged: Ned
[5] Last thing you laughed at: Some inane joke Justine told, she's a lovely girl, just not overly bright...
[6] Last time you said I don’t fucking remember: I don't fucking remember... (how original -_-)
[7] Last time you cried: Last Night... there were reasons and there were reasons...

[[[PRESENT] ] ]
[8] What's in your CD player: I actually don't own one, so I couldn't say...
[9] What color socks are you wearing: White... always white...
[10] What's under your bed: Random crap and clothes in Wagga, a blanket and some random crap and clothes in Leeton...
[11] What time did you wake up today: I haven't been to bed yet... reasons and reasons -_-
[12] Current taste: Cold KFC chips... not the most fabulous after taste
[13] Current hair: Black... I wanna do something with it...
[14] Current clothes: Sorta an off blue-green tinted long-sleeve tee, jeans, my fav joggers...
[15] Current annoyance: Getting my bloody emotions back in the fucking box they have labelled for them... they are being difficult and I'm gonna start kicking ass and taking names soon...
[16] Current longing: Answers and Closure...
[17] Current desktop picture: Black alien power man...
[18] Current worry: The aforementioned emotions, as well as my friends worrying about me, I'll be ok guys, really... it's just a phase.
[19] Current hate: Hate is a strong word, and I don't think there is much in this world that I hate. Inequality and injustice....
[20] Current favorite article of clothing: My blue joggers *cough* overused *cough cough*
[21] Favorite physical feature of the opposite sex: Hair, I'm a hair guy... long hair, short hair, as long as it's nice and the girly wearing it likes it, then we all win.
[22] Last CD that you listened to: "For You" - Casey Donovan
[23] Favorite place to be: Edoras (god I miss her), my backyard at night...
[24] Least favorite place: Cities...
[25] Time you wake up in the morning: I'm not a morning person... late...
[26] If you could play an instrument, what would it be: An acoustic guitar would be a dream come true, if I had one wish, that would be a serious consideration for one of them.
[27] Favorite color: A warm crimson red is lovely, but I am finding a growing attraction with certain types of blues, also mixes between the two, royal purple and the like...
[28] Do you believe in an afterlife: I believe that there is much in this world we cannot explain, life after death is an oxymoron, but an existance after death, now there is a possibility.
[29] How tall are you? Too tall, 6'4"
[30] Current favorite word/saying: "Whatever..."
[31] Favorite book: "Polgara the Sorceress" - David Eddings
[32] Favorite season: Summer, though the crux when it moves from summer to autumn is my favourite part of the year.
[33] One person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to? Myself... I was desperately in need of someone who knew what they were talking about at age 12, and I could help myself to grow up with less issues about trusting people if I could see myself again.
[34] Favorite day: Saturday, when uni ends and I can go back home and pretend I have a social life... :P Nah, thats not fair, I just love my friends so much...

[[[FUTURE] ] ]
[35] Where do you want to go: Eventually, I wanna say I've been to half of the countries in the world. On a teachers pay, thats impossible, so without being greedy, I'd have to say I'd love to see Europe.
[36] What is your career going to be like: Mediocre. I'll try my best, and maybe one day my heart will be in it. *shakes head* thats such a stupid statement, do I care enough to say my heart will be in anything... I don't know any more... we'll see...
[37] How many kids do you want: kids... little me's... at least two if I ever have any, the only child thing isn't all it's cracked up to be, siblings look out for each other, and having that in a family is one step forward for the child from birth.
[38] What kind of car will you have: Something old and shitty, that works when it wants to, and sticks it's radiator up at me when it doesn't.

[[[HAVE YOU EVER...] ] ]
[39]Said "I love you" and meant it: Only once...
[40]Gotten in a fight w/your dog/cat/bird/fish, etc: No, Bubba and I were always on good terms...
[41]Been to New York? Not yet...
[42]Been to Florida?: Stupid Americans...
[43]San Diego, Cali?: Oh for christs sake...
[44]Hawaii?: ... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! *goes ballistic and nukes the creator of this bloody quiz*
[45]Mexico?: *twitch*
[46]China? Not yet...
[47]Canada? Jassi has, lucky beggar
[48]Danced naked?: My singing starts in the shower, and I usually dance when I sing, so yeah, many times...
[49]Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day: Premonitions are more Jessica's thing, and my dreams are usually warnings of foreboding and despair...
[50]Wanted to be the opposite sex: Hmmm... hard question. I've wanted to understand them better, and to have thier instinctual, gut level perceptions, but not really no.
[51]Had an imaginary friend? No, not in the traditional sense. I think I'm borderline schizophrenic tho...

[[[RANDOM] ] ]
[52]Do you have a crush on someone? Yeah I do, but at the moment, I think I'm the last thing they need...
[53]What book are you reading now?: The NSW English Stage 4-5 Syllabus.
[54]Worst feeling in the world: Finding out that you've just poured your heart out to someone, and they either simply do not care, or do not have the capacity to care...
[55]What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning? Ugh, how irritating...
[56]How many rings before you answer? 1, if someone calls, I'm there. My phone is always just in reach. I so rarely get calls tho, so it's not exactly important...
[57]Future daughter's name: As much as this will probably convuse people, probably Kathryn.
[58]Future son's name: Kyler... what is it with the letter K.
[59]Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? Never have, it wasn't the done thing in high society.
[60]If you could have any job you wanted, what would it be? Software Design, or Concept design for a major computer games company. *no chance music*
[61]Are you a lefty, righty or ambidextrous?: Depends on the task, but as far as writing goes, right hand or bust...
[62]Wish you were here: I wish I were home right now... more than anything in the world.
[63]College plans: *laughs* Ever tried to pick up one of those poppies, the ones that make the little floaty white things, without making any of them detatch, thats kinda what my uni life is like.
[64]Piercing: *laughs* I'd never be able to speak to my family again, Aaron got his eyebrow done at boarding school last year and he is still being called a drug-snorting dissapointment even now.

[[[THE EXTRA STUFF] ] ]
[65]Do you do drugs? No.
[66]Do you drink: No.
[67]Who are your best friends? Ned, Nell, Jassi. Thats pretty much it nowadays.
[68]What kind of Shampoo and Conditioner do you use? Pantene Pro-V. Jassi sez if you use the same shampoo and conditioner for a while it stops working on your hair... so I'll have to change soon.
[69]What are you most scared of? Losing my mind.
[70]What clothes do you sleep in? Usually just boxer shorts, tho often more and sometimes less.
[71]Who is the last person that called you? Chris -_- but the last person that called me and mattered was Ned, a couple of nights ago. Nell would if she could. Oh wait, Jassi called me last night, shit the vacuum cleaner... SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!
[72]Where do you want to get married? Marriage, god... it seems so blurry and so ultimately distant. Somewhere outside, definately in either spring or autumn.
[73]If you could change anything about yourself what would that be? I'd redo my psyche, I'm such a fucking nutcase.
[74]Who do you really hate? Myself sometimes.
[75]Favorite number: 9
[76]Been In Love? Love... yeah... tough word. Have I been, I'm fairly sure.
[77]Are You Timely or Always Late: I'm either early or I don't show...
[78]Do You Have a Job: Stupid fucking centrelink and thier fucking issues...
[79]Do You Like Being Around People: I love being around certain people, but a lot of the time, I'm left alone, and that makes me rely on me, which is not entirely a bad thing.
[81]Are you for world peace: I'm for it, but I'm a realist also...
[82]Are you a health freak: Ah-hahahahahahahahahaha-hahaha-hahaha-hahahaha-ha... no!
[83]Do you have A "Type" Of Person you always go after: god no, totally irrational.
[84]Want Someone You Don't Have Right Now: I don't know *tears at hair*
[85]Are You Lonely Right Now: Like I'm the only person for 300k's, even tho my roomie is making noises not 5 feet from me.
[86]Ever Afraid You'll Never Get Married: Whatever will be will be... if it's right it will happen. So no.
[87]Do You Want To Get Married: I dont know at this stage, read above response.
[88]Do You Want Kids: I'd like kids, but I realise that may not be possible.

[[[IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU...] ] ]
[89]cried: Yes I have, unusual for me? not so much recently.. :(
[90]Bought something: Ummm... yeah... duh!
[91]Gotten Sick: No, tho I may well have with my little 3 hour walk this morning...
[92]Sang: Probably once...
[93]Said I Love you: Yes
[94]Wanted To Tell Someone You Loved them: Yes
[95]Met Someone New: Not so much no...
[96]Talked To someone: I'm not that much of a hermit
[97]Had A Serious Talk: Yeah, with Ned
[98]Missed Someone: Yeah, I have, and yeah I do.
[99]Hugged Someone: Yup, it's been a while since I've really meant a hug, and it's a wonderful feeling.
[100]Kissed Someone: No.

So thats the end of my quiz, I don't feel too much more enlightened, I feel the need to talk some things out with some people, maybe actually accept some help. For now, my bed is looking really good, but the roomie has his music up loud enough for me to hear the lyrics, and I'll betcha he can't even guess what music I am playing right now. I need answers, I wish they were easier to find.

"You mean sanity. You mean safety. In a way, you also mean escape." - Anonymous

FallenPhoenix

Truth and Fire, Heart and Soul: The Rubric of the Word Last Spoken

2005-08-11T00:37:00.000+10:00

Did I know it or did I know it. I told Tam the first day that I met Nell that she was a special girl, and actually think I made Tam jealous by saying that this might be someone who could bring me back to life inside. How could I have known that I would end up where I am right now. I didn't, but Tam did, I had a long talk with her that night. It's been so long since I talked to her, and she knew. I think she knew.

Wow... what does this mean exactly. She hasn't exactly given me an actual answer yet... but hey, we aren't in a hurry here people. Baby steps. Hey, I said that once before, 'cept it was about Ned. How funny, I've come a long way since then.

Wow... I can't stop smiling. I think this might be a good sign. You wanna know how I know it might be a good sign. Because I'm going to do two things tonight. See if you can pick them...

"Risen Phoenix flying high, heart and soul now touch the sky. A gift so precious, buried so deep, is yours and yours alone to keep." - Steven Sullivan

RisenPhoenix

Chains of Disbelief: Reality Revised

2005-08-10T04:03:00.000+10:00

Whoa... my entire concept of myself and my reality are being revised as we speak. I don't know whats going on, but so many things are clicking into place here.

I'm listening to old music while flirting with someone I like, and singing to myself quietly in a room in Wagga. So many things just came rushing back to me in that instant and I almost burst into tears for some reason. This feels right, I don't know why, and this feeling is very foreign to me, but something about this feels right.

I'm surrounded by people who cannot see the potential that they have. I used to feel so sad, right up until a moment ago, but I have realised now, right now, right at this second that I cannot hold that against them. Some have legitimate reasons for not accepting positive feedback and compliments from other people, and some people are just so unused to it that it makes them uncomfortable.

So what do I do? I work harder to make them feel like what I say is truth. They will slowly begin to see, each of them, peice by peice, that I love them all so dearly and that everything I tell them, every word, every syllable, every breath is the truth, my truth, thier truth.

I feel so right in this moment, I'm feeling so insecure, so vulnerable, so downright unprotected. I have given a lot this evening, I've given up a secret I wouldn't usually blurt out, and I've given out to someone the fact that I really like them, I've also given out a peice of myself for the world to view. You know what, it just feels right. You know. I don't know what this feels like exactly, but it's not a negative thing, and I'm feeling it right now, so it's damn hard to put it all together.

In the same way my friends don't seem to see thier worth, I can't seem to believe that in a single night so much that I used to protect so dearly has just been bared to the world. It will be hard for anyone reading this to see what I am talking about, but I've taken steps tonight that I never thought I'd take. I'm moving towards something I know will change me forever. I'm feeling like this is the beggining of a total new phase of my life. I like that idea.

Bring it on I say! I'm ready for this, now, finnally, I'm ready for this.

"All great truths begin as blasphemies." -George Bernard Shaw

FallenPhoenix

Never underestimate the power of the soul unleashed...

2005-08-08T14:25:00.000+10:00

I'm exceptionally artistic!

Find your soul type at kelly.moranweb.com.

Virtues: You look for immense creativity and individuality in people, including yourself. You're not happy with anything less than brilliant, and you focus on being expressive. You value energy, liveliness, and upbeat personalities, but you're not supportive of moodiness when you yourself can be unreliably moody. Seeking activity, you like the bustle of business but need the secluded atmosphere of a studio or private corner.

Aspirations: You feel the need to express your talents, whether it be through writing, drawing, singing, dancing, composing, performing, or photographing. While you strive to ever improve your work, you want to display it as soon as possible when your impatience kicks in. You want to be a prodigy but you might not have the means right at your fingertips. Trust me, do NOT move to New York to do it. Yeesh!

Quirks: Conformists bother you because of their lack of individuality. You're often late or unreliable. You're showy and refuse to share the spotlight. You only tell little white lies. You worm your way into the hearts of others, but be careful; some people despise the show-offs.

Factors: Surround yourself with activity and you'll always have material to work with. Involve friends and family in your projects so they don't feel like envious outsiders.

Future: Show business or not, you'll settle down happily if you're among those who appreciate your natural talents and desire to perform. Don't stay in one place too long, and don't be too hasty in defining your relationships. Who are you to judge what only time will tell?

So folks, what do ya'll think, is that an accurate representation of me? Is there truly any single test which can give you insight into who you really are? Thoughts and comments are welcome.

I'm only just realising that since meeting Nell I write in this so much more often, I really do. I wonder if thats because I have more feelings, or whether it has something to do with the fact she's helping me realise it's ok to write them down. I dunno, but I do know that she's a special girly and she is influencing me in more and more ways, all of them good. I am starting to think that perhaps there is something about her, mabye she's got angelic blood or something, and just incase she ever reads this, I might just include a NOVA!!! times infinity plus everything you say plus 2. Nuh-uh! :P

I wonder if it's just my maturity she's effected. I mean thats not as bad as it sounds, I act like I'm thirty most of the time, and I certainly speak it, she's bought me down a little and taught me life doesn't have to be so serious. I think that when I first met her, I underestimated her. I will never underestimate anyone again, for I have gained something so very special from this, and I don't ever want to lose it.

"If your last December came, what would you do? Would anybody remember to remember you? Did you stand tall? Or did you fall? Did you give your all? Did you ever find a reason, why you had to die? Or did you just plan on leaving without ever wondering why? Was it everything it seemed? Or did it feel like a dream? Did you feel redeemed?" -Prince

FallenPhoenix

Weathering the Storm: A Negative Vibe

2005-08-03T00:14:00.000+10:00

This overwhelming feeling of negativity has just crept over me. So many people in my life suffer on a daily basis and although I toil day in and day out to attempt to make everyone whom I care about's lives just that little bit easier, I find myself failing. Ludicrously enough, and something that sets me apart from a lot of people I know, I'm not going to let that get me down, it's just tiring to know I have to try even harder. But harder I will try.

Just because I am so bereft of anything remotely resembling original material, and I want to contemplate on this mood a little more, I thought I might add another quiz thing that Nell included in her journal.

BASICS
- - - - -
Your gender: Male
Straight/gay/bi? Definately Bi... though on the psyche scale, I think I rate a 6
Single? At the moment yeah...
Want to be? A Drama Teacher... anything that showcases talent is a good thing by me...
Your birthdate: 25/11/84
Your height: 6'4
The color of your eyes: Grey
Happy with it? I love my eyes... they change colour... I'm up myself :P
The color of your hair: Black
Happy with it? my hair or the colour, I'm confoosed
Left/right/ambidextrous? Right
Your family: My Grandmother and my Dog...
Have any pets? My baby dog...
What's your job: Professional Student...
Obsessions? Fantasy
Do you speak another language? Nope, I started learning Italian, then got over it.
Have a favourite quote? "Nothing has meaning until it changes what we think or who we are"

DEEP THOUGHTS about life and you in it
- - - - -
Do you live in the moment? Always and forever
Do you consider yourself tolerant of others? If I wasn't, I'd be in jail by now, for murder... at least twice.... a day... for the last three years...
Do you have any secrets? None that I can recall, I'm more open than I intend to be with my friends
Do you hate yourself? Nope... thats one thing I've learned, no point in hating yourself. If I'd given in to the self-hate vibe, I'd be dead. I need me. I don't hate me.
Do you like your handwriting? Yup, it's just fancy enough to be outlandish, and I think it's relatively neat for a guy.
Do you have any bad habits? Hmmm... I bite my nails.
If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called? "Flames of the Phoenix"
What's your biggest fear? Being seen for who I really want to be... I have walls around me that are 10ft thick and a million feet tall. I don't take them down for many people.
Can you sing? A little, though I don't have the ego to be considered good.
Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool? Lol... not too look cool no...
Are you a loner? Almost entirely. It's the way I was raised. I find strength in it sometimes.
What are your no. 1 priorities in life? My number one priority is to succeed. As a friend, in my career. Etc.
If you were another person, would you be friends with you? This is designed with a "no" in the question. It's a leading statement. I doubt it.
Are you a daredevil? I'll try absolutely anything once (drugs an exception). Does that count.
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself? I fear that one day my intelligence will be my undoing...
Have you got a journal? I have an ejournal, but I stopped writing shit down after my grandmother systematically found and went through my last one, telling me the "lies" I had written.
What is your greatest strength and weakness?My greatest strength is the fact it's so hard to injure me. I find strength in myself, and thats very easy to tap.
Weakness: My solitude often leads me to be stubborn about accepting and requesting help. I know I'm doing it, and I know it's stupid, but I'll usually bring myself to harm before I asked anything of anyone. This includes family.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? My inability to accept help.
How do you vent? I don't vent, which is odd... occasionally I come here to bitch, but thats not the same...
Do you think you are emotionally strong? Like a fortress... a cold iron fortress
Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life? I regret nothing... I wish things were different, but I regret nothing...
Do you think life has been good so far? I think that compared to a lot of people, I lead a golden life. I used to think that without a mother or father, I was really disadvantaged, but I feel now that it was for the best.
What is the most important lesson you've learned from life? Friends will come and go, but you always have yourself. You must be as strong as you possibly can be for those times when there is no-one else to help you by or you'll lose.
What do you like the most about your body? A like my eyes, but thats generic, so I'm gonna say Nell's breasts too. :P That got the reaction I'm looking for...
And least? My lack of physical definition. I have muscles, but you can't see them cause they stretch so much. It's irritating how lanky I look/feel.
Are you confident? To a fault... I get uncomfortable around people I don't know or like, but it's not so much of a lack of confidence as an awkwardness...
Who is the fictional character you're most like? Hmmm, probably a lot like Dade. That's not going to make sense to anyone *victorious smile*
Are you perceived wrongly? Sometimes I am...

DO YOU...
- - - - -
Smoke? Never
Do drugs? NEVER!!! > : (
Read the newspaper? Not often enough, my grandfather used to do it, so maybe I should take it up...
Pray? All the time...
Go to church? Not since my grandfathers funeral...
Talk to strangers who IM you? Yes I do... it's caused problems, but I'm optimistic my Mr or Mrs Right is waiting just a mouseclick away... yes indeed I am stoopid. :S
Sleep with stuffed animals? Uuugh... I just thought of a halfling and nearly threw up...
Talk to people even though you hate them? Yes, and I even appear pleasant, I'm two-faced like that..
Drive? Only once and I crashed it... I'm shocking...
Like to drive fast? Ah ha... ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ... no.

WOULD OR HAVE YOU EVER...
- - - - -
Liked your voice? It's not deep enough and sometimes I feel I sound to camp, which is irritating, I've tried to conciously deepen it recently using my vocal training exercises, but all thats succeeded in doing thus far is make my vocal intonations seem mottled. I'm still working on a good vocal image.
Hurt yourself? I've attempted suicide twice, but since then no.
Been out of the country? Yes, to India.
Eaten something that made other people sick? Lol... nope...
Been in love? *sigh* I don't know... yes... :(
Done drugs? I've answered this... NO!!!
Gone skinny dipping? Yes...
Had a medical emergency? I've been rushed to hospital with a broken jaw... but thats not medical... much...
Had a surgery? I've gone under anesthetic before, once when I was 18mnths, once when I was 5, then once at 15.
Ran away from home? God no, my grandfather would have killed me. Love ya Pa.
Played strip poker? Lol... yup done that before too...
Gotten beaten up? Yes, too many times to count...
Beaten someone up? I've won a few fights, but I never instigate them.
Been picked on? Too often to count... adds to the walls...
Been on stage? Not for a long time... I want to be again..
Been so drunk that you know you're supposed to go out on a date with someone, but you can't remember with who or when and that you faint when you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, not to mention your breath? Hell no. I don't do drunk. Too much of a loss of control...
Slept outdoors? Not that I can recall... I spent the night in a tent once, but it was so cold and uncomfortable and there were people making out a foot from me, so no.
Thought about suicide? Tried it twice, thank the gods I suck.
Pulled an all-nighter? ROFLMAO!!!
If yes, what is your record? 3 days... never again...
Gone one day without food? Many times too many...
Talked on the phone all night? Nope... never had anyone to do it with.
Slept together with the opposite sex without actually having sex? A couple o' time's yeah.
Slept all day? Yes, only when I'm sick tho
Killed someone? Not yet, though I know the mindset is there if someone ever triggers it...
Made out with a stranger? Ah no.
Had sex with a stranger? ... stranger... no... not really...
Thought you're going crazy? Nope... one thing I have got is my sanity, even if I'm the only one who thinks it's sanity.
Kissed the same sex? Yeah, I have... it was like getting my teeth licked, he kinda sucked at it...
Done anything sexual with the same sex? Yeah... Yeh I have...
Been betrayed? Yes...
Had a dream that came true? Not yet, but my dreams are steadily conforming to reality. Give it time.
Broken the law? A few too many times to feel safe around the police...
Have you ever killed an animal by accident? God no.... I'd be shattered
On purpose? > : (
Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell? No, my word is my word... I'm pretty careful about making sure I keep things to myself...
Stolen anything? Once, in Indian, a pen... the penalty for stealing there is death... wasn't I adventurous...
Been on radio/tv? Both... for the same thing... the dramatic arts...
Been in a mosh-pit? Yes, I copped a bundy and cola to the face...
Had a nervous breakdown? Never...
Considered religious vocation? I was told I could be a religious leader by a computer program in year 10... I shut it down...
Bungee jumped? Not yet...
Had a dream that kept coming back? Never...

CLOTHES
- - - - -
Shoe brand? Adidas
Brand of clothing? wateva...
Cologne/perfume? "Freedom" - by the little glass box....
Wear hats? Never once...
Judge other people by their clothing? Never...
Wear make-up? Only ever on stage...
Favourite place to shop? Logical Choice, for all your hobby and giftware, located at 181 Baylis Street Wagga Wagga.
Favourite article of clothing? My 3/4 coat...
Are you trendy? Dont ever say that...
Would you rather wear a uniform to school?I don't do school anymore... and a university uniform would be a little nazi'ish.

BELIEFS
- - - - -
Believe in life on other planets? Yes
Astrology? Of course, I set my watch by it... it's Mars o'clock now, time to go...
Magic? Azeroth Matriarch Zinthos!! *ten cents to anyone who can place that incantation*
God? Which one. My god? Yes.
Santa? I love you grandfather...
Ghosts? >:) Possibly...
Luck? Yes, insofar as it exists. And Luke has it.
Love at first sight? Sometimes...
Witches? A little ironic this question...
Easter bunny? :S
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever? With all my heart...
Believe there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? Figuratively speaking, yes...
Do you wish on stars? Only shooting ones...

DEEP THEOLOGICAL QUESTIONS
- - - - -
Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell? Nope, tho I do not doubt they exist. I just don't believe I'll go to either...
Do you think God has a gender? Each God is different, unless your genderless... each to thier own... it depends on what the person needs to see I guess. How you manifest and channel divine energy shapes your views on the God-Beings.
Do you believe in organized religion? I believe they serve a purpose, I believe that purpose has been lost over the years. I believe it needs to be re-established before any good will come of it.
Where do you think we go when we die? Into the ground, but our souls... our infinite spirit-selves, we have other things to do, other places to be, other entities to unite with and become.

LOVE, and all that
- - - - -
Did you get frightened or uncomfortable seeing that as a section title? Uh, no.
Do you consider love a mistake? No, and anyone who thinks so is sad...
What do you find romantic? I find romantic in the setting... I find romantic in the mood and the place...
Turn-on? I find self-confidence a turn on, but I find innocence a turn on too, and they rarely come in the same package.
Turn-off? Arrogence, someone thats been around too much.
First kiss? *ahem*
If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest in dating you, how would you feel? Hmmm... I'd have to let them know... soon... I could never force feelings... and although it could possibly work over time, I'd know that from the beginning...
Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or going "blind"? I need to know someone before dating them... how retarded...
Have you ever wished it was more "socially acceptable" for a girl to ask a guy out? Sometimes, we have all the hard jobs... most girls I know wouldn't be afraid to ask though... and most guys I know are happy to accept... of course this is Australia, not America where this was made...
Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking? I guess when I make the effort to look good (which isn't often) they might...
What is best about the opposite sex? Thier wisdom... definately thier wisdom...
What is the worst thing about the opposite sex? Moody little critters aren't they...
Do you read porn? Read Porn... admittedly I have... but as the question inadvertantly suggests, I read it, I did not look at it. Which means that it's words and not pictures... and thats all it was, words... of course then Mills and Boon novels are considered pornographic so take of this what you will...
Read the articles? Never bought a porn mag, never read one, tho I remember someone having one as a child, mabye Simon.
Just the pics? *shakes head*
What's the last present someone gave you? Uhmm... Nan bought me the compy I'm working on now for my 21st. I love her.
Are you in love? Not at the moment, I miss it though...
What would you do if you were walking down the street and saw some hot guy/girl standing on the sidewalk? Probably laugh at how unattainable they were, perve quietly for a moment and then walk off with a giant grin on my face like I always do. > :)

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON...
- - - - -
That haunted you? Aunty Paula
You wanted to kill? Fucking Dan... grrrr... what you did to me was wrong, what you did to Alan was cruel, and what you did to Dixie was fucking inexcusable...
That you laughed at? Jassi... sorry dude, your exceptionally funny...
That laughed at you? Prob Jassi... he finds my innane life amusing sometimes... he laughs at my misfortunes...
That turned you on? Hmmm... honestly... prolly Dan... but I'm over it...
You went shopping with? Jassi... like an hour ago...
To disappoint you? Dan
To ask you out? Justine...
To make you cry? Nell...
To brighten up your day? Ned
That you thought about? Nell
You saw a movie with? Jassi and I went and saw "War of the Worlds"
You talked to on the phone? Ned, when he saved me from my stalker...
You talked to through IM/ICQ? Nell who is patiently and desperately waiting for this
You saw? The Jas-Master

- - - - -
RIGHT THIS MOMENT...
- - - - -
Are you going out tonight? Been out a few times...
Will it be with your significant other? I don't have a significant other...
Or some random person? Yup, the roomie...
What are you wearing right now? Jeans, Jack of Skulls top and my black 3/4 overcoat...
Body-part you're touching right now: Actually, none of my peices are touching any other peices... I'm sitting rather generically...
What are you worried about right now? Nell...
Book you're reading? The Stage 5 English Syllabus.
Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling: Tired, Worried, Focused, Turbulent, Lost.
Are you bored? Not really...
Are you tired? Yeah... more than a little...
Are you talking to anyone online? The little green man flashes yellow every so often, so yes.
Are you talking to anyone on the phone? Between the start and the finish of this, both Chris and Ned have called..
Are you lonely or content? Lonely... I have company, and I have friends, but I definately feel lonely...
Are you listening to music? No... the 80's music from the Indians has stopped thankfully, tho now they are listening to an Indian Movie up loud. Lucky I lived in a zoo for first year...

Ughh... I'm done... I can't even be fucked finding a decent quote... that took far longer than I expected. Precisely 3 hours from start to finish. Whoa...

FallenPhoenix

Returning to the Source: Time Begins Again

2005-08-01T17:30:00.000+10:00

Well, I had the most awesome trip to Canberra on Saturday to pick Nell up and bring her home. Ned and I drove up and back in the one day and it was quite an adventure to navigate through the streets of Canberra, and although I do not have my liscence (shame I know... ) I can navigate reasonably well with a map, so we had little problems.

I'm glad Nell's back, I really am, I missed her and she was only gone a week. It must just be the psychology of distance because I don't get to see her during the week anyway and although I talked to her almost as much, I knew she was 400k's away and that made me miss her. It's funny really, I'm not sure how to act around Nell, she works actively to bring me out of that shell I've so carefully constructed around myself and usually this would just make me put up more walls. I don't understand why I don't just keep building walls anymore. It seems like she might be having an effect, something not even Tam was able to do.

On thinking about it, Nell and Tam have a lot in common. They are both strong women, comfortable in thier beliefs but willing to listen to others points of view. They are emotional, caring and assertive. Many hugz to both of them.

I've got little else to say in this post, it's got to do with Nell and I don't like rambling about any topic for too long. I will however, add something random I picked up from her blurty purely to take up space and be insightful.

SECTi0N>1: ABOUT YOU_
+` name: Steven Wayne James Sullivan
+` gender: Male... -_-
+` height: 6'4"
+` hair color: black, very very black
+` eye color: grey, though thats debatable... green and blue often come up too.
+` location: Wagga, New South Wales, Australia
+` fears: losing control, losing a friend to something unavoidable (accident, illness)

SECTi0N>2: HAVE Y0U EVER_
+` peed in your pants: lol... umm not that I recall, and I have a pretty good memory
+` cheated on someone: hmmm... no, and nor would I...
+` fallen off the bed: yeah... I think this means at night, so definately yeah...
+` fallen for a relative: not even close, though I did have a 40yr old aunt crack onto me.
+` had plastic surgery: yup, I just had a boob job recently :P
+` failed a grade: lol... I've failed subjects at uni, and I effectively failed yr 12... so yeah...
+` broken someones heart: nope... had it happen to me, but never done it...
+` had your heart broken: repeatedly.. cause I'm stupid and a sucker for punishment
+` done something you regret: *sigh* probably not no...
+` cheated on a test: Perhaps we should ask Mrs. Papasidero about that one...? >:)
+` broken a body part: yup, broke my jaw ice skating, and my arm going to the toilet in India.

SECTi0N>3: CURRENTLY_
+` wearing: generic jeans and a long-sleeve jumper
+` listening to: my own typing and indian people moving around outside my flat...
+` chewing: lol... I am drinking coke occasionally, but when am I not...
+` feeling: kinda tired, kinda hungry and kinda bored... but then the Jas-man will be back in 15mins so I'll be ok I guess..
+` located: In my room... I'm always in my room in Wagga...
+` chatting with: No-one, I'm all alone, it's nice to have that sometimes...
+` watching: lol... ummm... the screen? I don't multi-task that well...
+` should really be: doing uni work, or more questing stuff... probably both, at once... or at least thats what our players expect of us, to toil away night and day for what? thier silly little praise? oh thats wonderful, do you think we even get a thankyou? no... never... they just assume that we can do all the work that they get to enjoy for questing in our sleeping time and then have time for everything else but no, we can't we aren't computers, as much as they'd like to think it... (end random rant about questing) :P

SECTi0N>4: D0 Y0U_
+` brush your teeth: not nearly enough, and I can feel it starting to have an effect...
+` like anybody: hmmm... too early to say just yet... I'm gonna say... meeebeee!
+` have any piercings: lol... yes, I have multiple nipple peircings, seriously tho, I had my left ear peirced when I was little, but it's since grown over...
+` drive: ah ha... ahahahahahahahahaha.... ah no!
+` believe in Santa: *sigh* I got over that at the age of six when I found my grandfather stocking the tree... it wasn't even dissapointing, Pa knew what to get me better than some creepy pedo from antarctica who wore red pyjama's anyway....
+` ever get off the PC: Ummm... when I come home to see my friends I do, but I wish I had a laptop, so I guess that doesn't count.

SECTi0N>6: THE LAST PERS0N Y0U_
+` hugged: My dear Grandmother
+` gave eprops to: hmmm... Nell's, but thats only because I'm taking a stab at what an eprop is.
+` IMed: Taco -_-
+` talked to on the phone: Nells
+` yelled at: Like full on yelled at... god... I honestly don't remember...
+` fell in love with: ahem... what would be Atco... yeah yeah, so I'm stupid...
+` tripped: hmmm, Ned, I seem to trip him a lot.

SECTi0N>7: PERS0NAL_
+` what do you want to be when you grow up? I wish we could go further with questing, but knowing that will never happen, I'll just have to propegate it till I die. I wanna be a teacher. I think...
+` what was the worst day of your life? Didn't know it at the time, but it was a day in 1999, the last time I ever saw my two brothers... they left a hole in me I want filled so dearly. I wish we could be a family, but my stupid mother wont ever see that. Stability is the anti-christ for her. Damn her...
+` most embarrassing story: lol... that would have to be a beach in north nsw, I lost my swimwear in the tide and then had to walk back to the caravan park in nothing but a beach towel... I was 16
+` the best day of your life? meeting my bro's for the first time. We clicked so instantly... *sigh*
+` what comes first in your life? my friends!!!
+` do you have a bf/gf/crush? meebee
+` if you had an extra set of eyes, where would you put them? Wtf mate?
+` what do you usually think about before you go to bed? Usually about what I am going to have to do tommorow... yeah yeah yeah, I'm a boring person.

SECTi0N>8: FAV0RiTE_
+` movie: The Radio Flyer
+` song: "You Believed" Casey Donovan and "The Rain Must Fall" Yanni
+` store: Logical Choice, your one stop shop for all your gift and hobby needs, 181 Baylis Street Wagga.
+` relative: Immediate Family: Grandmother (Beth), Mother (Katheryn), Half Brothers (Frank and Sam), Uncle (James).
+` sport: I am sporty insofar as I like sport, I can't not in my family, I was never very good at it, though I did have a knack for soccer, though the novelty of kicking a leather ball around a patch of grass rarely held my attention for long. I was far too snobby as a child.
+` vacation spot: the beach *forlorn sigh and drool at the same time, then a subsequent choke as he realises thats impossible*
+` ice cream flavor: strawberry *hangs head*
+` fruit: apples and banana's... fresh indian mango's... oh god, those things were freakin' orgasmic...
+` candy: my favourite candy is... ummm... well... WARHEADS!!! yup
+` holiday: Queen Birthday, cause it's always when stuff happens...
+` day of the week: I life Friday's, but that's usually because I get to go home, I cannot do that anymore...
+` colors: Red and recently blue...

SECTi0N>9: D0 Y0U_
+` like to give hugs: No... though I'm learning...
+` like to walk in the rain: I love rain... so yes...
+` sleep with or without clothes on: with at least some clothes... I do live with two guys here...
+` blue or black pens: black is the way to go...
+` dress up for halloween: I've never done it, though I wish we actually celebrated the holiday here, I feel like we are missing out on the celebrations for nothing. Tho halloween is just a retardation of All Hallow's Eve, which I do celebrate, and I do dress up...
+` have a job: professional student doesn't really cut it huh... part time unofficial councillor, game co-ordinator... I'm busy enough without a freakin' job thankya!
+` like to travel: *sigh* yes... but it'll never happen again... a trip to our capital is like an oversea's holiday for me...
+` sleep on side, stomach, or back: usually on my side, sleeping on my arm... it's died a few times because of that...
+` think you're attractive: Nope... ugly as all sin.. :P
+` want to marry: Do I want to marry... at this stage... no... I don't think it will ever happen, but I feel it's pretentious of me to say it never will...
+` have a goldfish: Ummm... no.
+` have stuffed animals: I had one once, I won it at Dreamworld... my dog used it as a chew toy, we were both happy.
+` go on vacation: No, though I'd want to go with friends, so if they stay at home, I enjoy my holidays nonetheless.

SECTi0N>10: 0THER QUESTi0NS_
+` do you go to church? nope
+` do you like church? It's not a valid question anymore, but the Catholic church bored me to tears...
+` why or why not? I answered this already, so stop badgering me.
+` what's your favorite kind of tree? Pine Tree's, I love them for some reason.
+` out of all your friends who has the coolest room? Taco has an awesome set up...

Ok cool, well I am gonna start the next one now... cause these are fun and time consuming. Weeeeeeeeeeee.....

Which friend is the....

.: x craziest- Ned is clinically insane.
.: x sweetest- Nell
.: x prettiest- Tam
.: x smartest- Cassie
.: x girly- prolly Jess... she's more friend than family
.: x easiest to be grossed out- most of my friends have strong stomachs
.: x blondest- that would be the Jas-man
.: x honest- Nell
.: x trustworthy- Ned and Nell
.: x sporty- Jess
.: x animal lover- Tam
.: x computer genious- Alan
.: x blurty nerd- Nell the journal whore...
.: x funniest- Ned just cracks me up...
.: x drama person- Jassi is a total drama queen :P
.: x band person- Matt... he actually has a band that matters >:)
.: x person that always gets their homework done- Cass
.: x flirtiest- Ned... hehehehehehe... *giggle fit*

About your friends and past friends

.: x which friend have you known the longest? JD
.: x which friend have you known the least? Prolly Matt
.: x who was your first best friend? Nick Lewis
.: x is he/she still you friend? if I ever see Nick again, we'll have a lot to talk about... we float in different circles, but he and I still get along ok.
.: x which friend do you miss the most? Tamsin Skye... god I hate the distance between us...
.: x has one of your best friends ever moved away? Yes.. first to Wangaratta where it was possible for me to see her, then to Melbourne. I swear that girl is just looking for a way out...
: x who has the most classes with you? I have no friends at uni...
.: x pick one friend and tell one of your favorite memories - Jarrod, at my 13th birthday party, with him being absolutely petrified of a blue glass bottle full of fat air. Hehehehe... so cute and gullable... so much has changed... wait... what am I saying... no it's hasn't :P

Which one of your buds is most likely to....

.: x be a teacher - I could see Ned in teaching, if he ever gets off his ass and gets to uni... silly boy
.: x become a computer person - If Alan isn't training to be a compy technician already, then he should be, the guys a whiz with them...
.: x become a stay at home mom - any of my female friends could, tho none of them would like it. Probably Nell the most, she has a lot of love to give and I could see her not wanting to leave her kiddies...
.: x live life on the wild side - Ned, although there is something about him that secretly screams for stability... I want someone to give it to him one day, I think he deserves it.
.: x travel all over the world - Jess wants to, let her.
.: x become famous - Tam for her jewellry, she's just so good at it.
.: x fall in love before 20 - Tam is in love, and Matt loves her. They are so good together.
.: x become a sports star - Jess could have before her accident, but not sure anymore...
.: x not go to college - No idea... probably Ned, tho I'll kick his ass if he doesn't...
.: x get married twice - Jessica...
.: x have 4 kids - Nell, she's the type of person I could see being an awesome soccer mum, and she'd love each and every one of them. So warm that girl.
.: x become a telemarketer - *shakes head* I would wish this job on none of my friends... possibly Taco, selling vacuum cleaners at 5am in the morning, pleading with the camera for someone to please buy his sales so that he doesn't have to eat cardboard again...
.: x be your best friend throughout your whole life - Ned and I should remain close for forever...
.: x be at home doing nothing but eating and watching tv - lol... why do I see Ned again... you better not bro...
: x be a serious business person - Jess is training in Organisational Management, she's gonna be a CEO one day... so definately Ned.
.: x become someone with a job that helps people - Hmm.... Jassi's gonna be nuking people to see whats wrong with them so that someone else can fix it... does that count... mmm radioactive isotopes.
.: x end up on survivor or the amazing race - Jess and Jarrod, and they'd be yelling at each other all the time, it would be most humourous. Would make for great american television.

Well focal's, I'm done for now, and where once I was bathed in delicious silence, I am now bombarded with heavy music and the sound of six (count it, six) people in the flat, only 2 of which live here. So I will bid the journal adieu, and I shall see thee all next time.

"If you don't wanna love me, don't love me. If you don't wanna touch me, don't touch me. 'Cause I don't want you to do anything that you don't want to do. If you don't wanna miss me, don't miss me. If you don't wanna kiss me, don't kiss me. 'Cause I don't ever want you to do anything that you don't want to." -Tamar

FallenPhoenix

Moving Foward: A New Dawn

2005-07-25T17:11:00.000+10:00

I'm just back at home after almost two months of holidays and I've had such a wide experiance of emotions during my time away. The only experiances I have are with people and I really should break this up into an orderly display which gives my views on each person as an individual. It'll be simpler that way.

The Boy

I said I'd never mention him here again, but you have to take into account the change in the title, that's gonna be significant later. My dealings with Dan are getting less and less frequent, though I must say we both sorta settle into a comfortable groove when we are alone together. At the very least, there is definately a history there, and we both know it. I must admit however, that he and I are both very akward around each other and I have no intention of really pursuing anything with him again. It was too self-destructive and I don't think I'd ever go there again.

The Roomie

My roommate and I had fairly minimal contact throughout the holidays, usually through other friends and stuff. I think though that this did far more good than bad. I found myself missing us staying up to all hours talking about shit. I needed a break from the living arrangements by the end of the last semester and now I find myself ready, enthusiastic and eager to return. I can't wait to see where it will take the three of us this time.

The Cousin

My closest family member, Jess, has been a key player in my life for a long time. She and I were very much like brother and sister when she used to live back in my home town. Her mother worked constantly so she would often come over to my place after school and we'd just hang out. It was good for both of us and we developed a really close bond. She moved to the city around three years ago and although we remained close, I felt a distance growing between us. She returned home for the holidays to spend some time with me and I have to say she's changed in a very negative way. City Life is something I've always viewed in a negative light and I feel it really has impacted her in a bad way. She's bitchy, moody and selfish, three things I would never have associated with her before. We had the first real fight we've ever had. Word's were exchanged and she was about ready to leave my life forever. I ended up having to do something which I still feel dirty for doing, and thats sell myself out. I backflipped on something I had said to her eariler, which was that she had an attitude problem. To get her to stay I lied about what I had said, saying it was only out of anger. I still feel like I sold out to make someone happy, something I rarely do.

The Friend

This one is interesting... Jess' boyfriend, Jarrod, who has been a good friend of mine since primary school, came down with her as well. Despite the fact that they were sucking face the entire time *dry wretching noises*, I still managed to feel a tangible distance between myself and Jarrod. This isn't the first time either. We just don't talk about anything any more, it's always about the game and about like random life stuff. Every single other friend I have, including Dan, has a deeper connection with me than my longest running friend, and that feels so wrong. Of course, being the usual stubborn bitch that I am, I was completely ready to blame him for this, saying that he never talks, but my Roomie pointed out something which I should have already seen, something uncharacteristically deep for him.

There is no active communication coming from me either. Jarrod has known me for the better part of 9 years and he knows of only a tiny portion of my life. He does not know about any of the relationships I've had, because I fear his reaction. You see, Jarrod acts like the biggest homophobe out there, and although the roomie, who has been friends with him for just as long, will swear black and blue that it's just a ruse, I don't know that I can trust that. My gut has been telling me for a very long time that this portion of my life doesn't need to be shared with Jarrod, because I fear that he'd just drop everything and never talk to me again. Furthermore, he would never want to hear about anything from that area of my life anyway, so telling him would serve no purpose. I know this sounds like me trying desperately to avoid telling him, but in actuality I believe every word I say. Furthermore, anything told to Jarrod leaks to Jess and then my entire family, so it would be a decision I could not make without very careful consideration. Jessica probably suspects things, and from my roomies input, so does Jarrod. I don't know whether there is a need to confirm anything right now.

The New Friend

One of my newest and dearest friends has been having a really rough time at the moment and although she has been working towards leaving home and pursuing a higher education, it turns out that her motivations were all wrong and she will be coming home. It's sad to see her return without anything to show for it, but I must admit, the way things are for her right now, it would be in her best interests if she remained close to her family, which are a real safety net for her, for the months to come. I'm feeling very close to her at the moment, and very very protective. I have developed a very special bond with her over the last three months and she knows she has my support 100% in any endevour she undertakes. I hope I've been a help to her, and I hope I can continue to be a help to her. I fear I see dark clouds on the horizon though, but at least she has some strong people to weather the storm with her. I hope she comes out ok.

So off the people that build my life, and onto my own feelings. How have I been feeling over the break, what made me tick and what made me click?

My thoughts for the break have been on everyone but myself. I've been councilling, helping, preparing and spending time with the people that make my life as good as it is and I do not regret this for a second. I feel like in repayment for the friendship I am given, I can give them an ear when they need it and help when they ask for it. My thoughts have been firmly centred on my friends. However, I can note that i've been feeling a little lonely recently. I guess I just seek companionship again. I'm still not ready for a relationship I dont think, but I guess if the opportunity came up, I would not pass it up. I don't think such an opportunity will ever come up though, because in all the time I spend dealing with my friends, I have no time to go and do anything for myself. My roomie said to me on the bus last night "stop living for other people and start living for yourself for a change" or something to that affect. It's just an unrealistic proposition. I'm happy with my life the way it is, and as long as I can continue to serve my friends in the way that I do, I can at least say I'm doing something for someone in this world.

So what if I don't meet new people, I met my newest friend through someone, maybe through some feat of luck, I might meet a new partner through someone as well. One can hope.

"Is it me or did the room just get darker? Is it me or did I just lay down and die? Is this a dream or did the world just crumble at my very feet? How in heaven will I ever be alright? There is lonely, and there is lonely and there is how I feel right now..." -Prince

FallenPhoenix

Shadowed by Yesterday: Flames of the Future

2005-06-20T19:09:00.000+10:00

I honestly think everything is beggining to work out. I have had a pretty shitty semester on an emotional level but I guess everything works out in one way or the other. I have had two different friends come to me today and tell me that some issue in thier lives has been made easier or completely solved, and you have no idea how good that makes me feel. I feel like although I am shadowed by all the stuff that has happened to me during the first half of the year, I, along with the people I care for, are finnally moving forward.

I think I've finnally recieved the power and encouragement I need to move forward. The Shadows of Yesterday are being dispelled by the Flames of the Future. It sounds so fantastical, but it's got practical applications too. I am now more than ever focused towards that elusive degree at the end of the road I have chosen. I am foucsed on the individual destinies of my friends, and helping them to achieve thier fullest potentials. I have focus. You don't understand how good it makes me feel to write that. I haven't been focused for the better part of five years. I now know for sure where I am headed and how to get there.

Hmmm, it feels like with direction comes purpose. I got me a life to live and I wanna enjoy whats left of it. I've spent far too much time worrying about all the problems and issues that I've been dealt. Life is like a game of cards and it's time I discarded some of the shitty cards I've got and get me some new ones. Time for a new round. Game On!

"Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising, which tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

FallenPhoenix

The Flow of Power: Phoenix Rising

2005-06-15T18:38:00.000+10:00

The flow of power has shifted. Where once I had no control over myself and my own destiny, I am now back in total control. I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I am once again free to make choices and decisions based entirely on what I want to do and not on what other people percieve and think.

I don't know what came over me this weekend, but something definately changed. I feel revitalised, and I went out and di something about it. I feel energised and ready once again to meet the world with open eyes. Once more I can see.

I had a great time this weekend, and it wasn't for what I did, it was really for what I didn't do, and that was worry. I can't remember a time when I sat at home and didn't think about what was going on somewhere else in town. I just relaxed and actually enjoyed myself for the first time in a long time. I think that finally I have control once again of how I feel and how I think...

No more heartache and pitiful self-loathing for me... I think that instead of self-destructing, like I thought I would, I've freed the fires of my soul so that I can fly once again.

I think it's time for the second Rise of the Fallen Phoenix. My second Reign has come again...

"Fact of life (so sad, but true), love can often hurt you, leaving scars most
your life (Nightmares can haunt). But fairy tales of love can come true, both
play tricks on your mind. (You'll be fine, take this time, find your peace of
mind) Sooner or later, bad feelings will die. You must be strong, don't blame it
all on love. In time good feelings will come. I've seen it time and time again,
it's not worth it. No. Don't be down and miserable. You, and only you, can bring
yourself around. Give it up, turn it loose. If he don't want you, you don't need
him." -En Vogue

FallenPhoenix

Echoes of the Past: Illusions of Granduer...

2005-06-08T22:51:00.000+10:00

I'm so not over it. I went shopping with my roomate today and saw this kid who looked very similar to my boy, and I nearly died. My mate just looked at me and shook his head with a "No, it's not him" and I felt so bad. I mean, I've bee convincing myself so hard that this was meant to be over, that it's all happened for a reason and that I am so much better off knowing that I made this decision for my own gain.

But the truth of the matter is that I just feel empty. Empty and lost. It's silly, because I honestly felt worse when we were together, because of the way he'd treat me and the way that I'd always be getting hurt because I invested into the relationship so much more than he did. I need to remember the reality of it. He was in it for sex. I was used for sex on a more or less constant basis. He really stopped caring about how I felt when he came back from Albury. Thats when it happened. I don't wanna sit here feeling like I'm going to cry wondering why either. I want to beleive with all my heart that it was nothing I did. Maybe this is what happens when all serious relationships break-up, everyone ends up feeling empty and bad because they've lost someone close to them.

In the words of a song I really respect, I think I've been alone a long long time. It was always going to end like this, to be honest even in my stupid lovestruck stage I knew it wasn't going to be one of those "happily ever after" relationships. I mean come on, lets be realistic, 90% of relationships at this age end like this, though I wish this one didn't end with so much lost. I feel like instead of getting closer with this relationship, the end result drove us apart. If I'd have known that I don't know that I'd have ever done this in the first place.

Ok, no thats a lie. There were plenty of times which I simply wouldn't give up for the world. So many memories which will be forever burned into my brain. I don't know how much of it he'll take away from this, but all the good times made my life bareable in a time when I desperately needed a drug of his strength. He was so my drug, my beautiful addiction. So bad for me, yet something I needed more than oxygen itself.

I'm not glad it's over, but I'm glad I finnally had the self-respect to know when I was being used. I mean fuck, it took me long enough, it's been six months since it started happening like this and I needed to desperately to take control of the situation. The worst thing is, since it happened, all the friends that know about it have been walking on eggshells about the entire topic. I think I really just need people to point and laugh at me and tell me I was a total fucking loser to have even considered it in the first place. In my arrogance, I'd have to agree with them.

So this is gonna be the last post I ever make which mentions my boy. I don't even know why I call him that anymore. He's not mine and I don't think he ever was. Daniel, babe, you meant to much to me you dick, I wonder if you understand what you lost? I doubt it.

"I don't wanna cry. Don't wanna cry. Nothing in the world could take us back to
where we used to be. Though I've given you my heart and soul, I must find a way
of letting go, cause baby...I don't wanna cry." -Mariah Carey

FallenPhoenix

Meet me where the shadow reaches the light...

2005-06-06T07:17:00.000+10:00

Well, one chapter of my life is finally over. My boy and I are no more, so he's no longer my boy. We've decided to move on and away from each other, it was a silent agreement, which hurt me so much to do, but in truth, it's the best for both of us. I was totally floundering over here at Uni and he needs as much focus as he can for his HSC. It's unhealthy for us to constantly be dragged back until our broken bits cause damage to one another time and time again.

So, as much as it pains me to say, that chapter of my life is finally over. I'm coping better than I ever thought I would, because not only have I lost him in that way, but we have certainly got a palpable distance between us as friends, and that kills me. It's like having the most important person in your life renounce any friendship with you and then avoid you. I guess it's easier for him if he doesn't see me, but it's the exact opposite for me. Sometimes, when I'm alone I just sit quietly and shake for a while, remembering what things used to be like before everything became so complicated. I wish this world was more simple. I wish it with all my heart.

In other news, I have made a very dear friend from back home which came from an unlikely source (we met through my boy). She reminds me so much of Tam, except she shares my interests and it's an anti-religion spray on deoderant. She's great fun and we've gotten really close very very quickly. It took years for Tam and I to finally trust each other, and it was that trial by fire which has created a life-spanning friendship. Nell is smart, funny and cares way too much, all good qualities to have in a friend. Grandfather dear, she's a keeper for shure. :P She's a little bit of light in a world immersed in shadow.

The house Dynamics at uni have changed ever so slightly with the introduction of our third housemate, Jassi's bro. He and I have a kinda silent relationship, I'm civil, he's civil and there isn't much more to it. As a general rule the house remains in fairly good repair, and I'm no chore shark, so I try not to complain much. To be perfectly honest, I've spent an inordinant amount of time back in Leeton trying to sort out this relationship thing and dealing with a few financial problems, and thats a shame, because of all my friends, Jassi and I seem the closest after this first six months living together. At the start of the year, I was completely convinced I'd go nuts living with him, because he and I have quite different interests, behaviours and attitudes, but to be perfectly honest, he's a great housemate. It's been an absolute pleasure, and although he and I clash occasionally, mostly on music, we get along really well. My attitude goes that as long as I can take most of what he says with a smile, there will always be a positive resolution to any problem we have. I'm not even faking the smiles anymore.

On music news, I've totally fallen in love with Missy Higgins. This woman rocks the world. She's moody and soulful and amazing wise for someone that young. Lyrics that move me, music that inspires and depresses me. It changed the way I thought about love. It has meaning to me. Ohhh, practical use of life motto here "Nothing has meaning until it changes what we think or who we are..."

I'm lonely at the moment too, but I really need to actually heal a little before I go out looking for someone to make me feel better. I always hideously rejected the idea of rebounds, so I'm not gonna even try until I feel strong enough to actually go looking. He really hurt me I guess, but thats my fault for letting someone who was still discovering themselves get close to me. I always knew in the back of my mind that something like this could happen, but what he said and what he felt were always so different and I learned that far too late.

Another day... another breath... I stand in the shadow, but I can see the light... meet me where the two join... I need you...

"I don't intend to be a performing flea anymore. I was the dreamweaver, but
although I'll be around I don't intend to be running around at 20,000 miles an
hour trying to prove myself. I don't want to die at 40." -John Lennon
FallenPhoenix

Nickles and Dimes...

2005-03-02T22:35:00.000+11:00

I swore black and blue that I wouldn't bring money problems into this site and I can guaruntee those that actually read this sorry excuse for a diary that money is not a usual topic in my heart or mind, but my money situation has gotten to the point where it is seriously detrementing the way that I exist.

For the past two weeks I have been without any semblance of money at all due to an accounting error from one of the biggest phone networks in australia. They withdrew almost $300 from my bak account in err and despite my almost desperate attempts to retrieve my money, the refund request has yet to be processed. This is a real letdown. I need money so desperately right now. Other than uni, I have been cooped up in this house, I have had no money for almost a fortnight now and although I am payed again on Friday of this week, I wont be seeing the vast majority of the money because 90% of my pay will be going to pay outstanding bills, people I borrowed money from during these last two weeks, and my family.

So I am broke again, this is really crippling, there is nothing I can do about it but for the first time in my life I am actually worried about money. It is stressing me out, and if you knew how hard that was to do, you'd be as worried as I am. I don't fold easily, and I am really worried right now because I wanted to start this year out on top financially, but so far all I have achieved are two dishonour fees from my bank for overwithdrawing money (Optus and then a charity compnay I forgot I was signed into). I feel so powerless and I can't even run home for support because it's too expensive.

My flatmate has been a great help to me financially over the last two weeks, but through no fault of his own our relationship has become very parent/child due to the fact that I am monetarily dependant on him. There is nothing that can be done about it, and as usual I can't even speak up, because I am too afraid to voice any actual legitimate feelings to anyone, because so many times that I've done this I've been shot down and hurt. I feel like now it's safer if I don't discuss any feelings with anyone and just keep on functioning if there is a problem or something I don't like because I am more often than not just plainly wrong with all my assumptions, feelings and beleifs. I am just stupid sometimes, because I speak my mind when it's wrong. I'm so often wrong.

It's getting harder and harder to get up of a morning, and my only motivation lives an hour and a half towards a direction that I can't afford to go. What happens when I run out of will-power. What happens then? Do I just give up? Where do I turn when there is no-one left who I can trust to talk to? Is there room left in this world for a FallenPhoenix unable to rise?

Who answers these questions? Who'll read them? Who cares?

"I feel so bad, and I must say to you...sorry...but...Nobody's perfect. Nobody's
perfect. What did you expect? I'm doing my best." -Madonna

FallenPhoenix

Shadowed by glory...

2005-02-22T15:45:00.000+11:00

I'm sitting here, I think possibly three weeks after moving into the place here in Wagga and I must say that it's not quite as bad as I thought. I quite like the place and although it's not as homey or as private as my place back at home, it's certainly adequate living for as long as I stay here.

The biggest problem at the moment is my constant negative psychological states, I guess I am just missing my own space and my friends at home. I have good company here, but I don't really have anywhere to retreat to when I really need it, and sometimes I really need it.

Another issue at the moment is a severe lack of cash. I got ripped off by a local net provider and it's costing me an absolute packet. I'm getting the money back because I was very quick to clear-up the transgression but the money will reach me almost a fortnight after I really needed it. As such for the next two weeks I am living off my room mate and that is the worst feeling of all. I hate taking money from people and I don't care how o.k with it people say they are, it just makes me feel worthless and guilty. As such, I am trying to limit everything as much as possible and I'll give him a healthy pay-out for his troubles as soon as I get my money back.

Everything about this year has been money, and for someone like me who really couldn't care otherwise about money in general, it;s been a really tough time. I just don't like having to deal with money and money related issues all the time. It's always so complicated and it seems like everyone is so hung up over thier money problems. I am starting to feel what thats like right now. It's a horrible constrictive feeling. I don't like it at all.

As far as class goes, I really need to get motivated. The year has started and I really need to get my head together because this is the last year I am allowing myself to stall. If I bugger things up again this year, it's all over. I'll go work in a check-out for the rest of my life, and save everyone the trouble.

Anyways, I am sure there is something more productive than introspection for me to be doing right about now, so I probably should be off. I'll be back on later to talk more about my personal issues, but right now, I am so hungry and I can't afford to eat.

"I feel it, I feel it more and more everyday. The life
you've given me, slipping away, carrying pieces of me with it. Left wondering if
my life has meant anything at all, or if it will mean anything more now
that you're gone. It won't..." -Anonymous

FallenPhoenix

How Low Can You Go

2005-01-30T17:33:00.000+11:00

I guess it's just a matter of time. Tuesday the 1st of February is literally the end of an era for me. In two days time, I must give up everything I have known for the last nineteen years and move to a city I loathe and detest. This is gonna be painful.

In two days I am forced to move away from my good friends and family to a town where I know the total sum of one person, and where I can almost guaruntee myself the privalige of meeting exactly no more. I do not go out, I do not socialise in class and I make no effort to make myself seen, quite the opposite in fact. I have made a living out of making it look like I don't need social interaction to survive and even though I crave it so desperately on the inside, I will never reach out for it or accept it because that makes me look weaker than I am, and I will never allow that to happen.

I have just recieved a lecture from my grandmother because I do not accept peoples help for things. I told her today that she was asking too much from our family on this move. I already have an uncle and one of his sons giving thier time to ensure that we arrive safe and sound, with all my worldly possessions intact, but grandmother dearest wants to see me off as soon as possible, and that requires more help than just two spindly boys and a tired old farmer, so she called another of my uncle's from wagga to help out.

I don't ask for help, I hate asking for help and almost admantly refuse to do it. Example, yesterday I was just going home from my boys place and I had a bag full of heavy books and stuff, which weighs in at just over 60k's I checked today, and his mother offered me a lift, not knowing that I had the bag, just because it was hot. On those pretences I had to refuse. I knew I could walk in the heat and the bag was heavy, and strained my back and everything, but I knew I could do it without asking her to make a completely useless trip across half the town just for me. She owes me nothing, and it would be selfish and thoughtless of me to assume that she actually would have made the trip had I not been there, so in 40 degree heat I trudged across half the town, eventually having back spasms and other painful things, eventually reaching my house. The dust storm didn't help, but I got the biggest lecture from my grandmother when I returned home, not because I was walking in the duststorm and was getting my clothes dirty, but because I hadn't rung her to get a lift.

What are we teaching children these days. I remember that as a younger child it was good to be selfless and think of others before yourself, I was taught that if you could do something on your own with the resources that god (yes, old source I know) gave you, then you were doing something good for everyone. Now here I am being taught that it is good to be selfish and think of yourself and your wellbeing beyond the needs of others. This is really fucked up. I mean, I made the trip home with naught but a stiff back and I got in trouble for it... you know what... whatever.

In conclusion, I got a second, longer lecture for being unhappy. I was told that if I wasn't going to be happy in Wagga, why was I bothering to go. Does this not make sense to anyone else. Of course I am not going to be happy in Wagga, I hate Wagga with a fiery passionate vengeance and I have no qualms with admitting that to anyone who asks. I dislike my course, I hate the people invovled in it and I hate that I am going to have to rot for a further 3 years of my life in this cesspool of stinking crap. Unfortunately, in the long run it's going to be better for me than if I had spent the rest of my life just bumming around in Leeton. I learned a painful and valuable lesson a long time ago, you do not need to be happy to be successful. I am not happy, and I seriously doubt that I ever will be anyway. And you know... thats ok. I am completely ready to accept a life without happiness... ok... that might be going a bit far. I am ready to accept the fact that I may never be happy, but I might at some point be able to make other people happy, and thats what I live for. If I went through every day knowing that I was never going to be happy and that is all I had to look forward to, I probably would have shot myself a long time ago. But I have learned that success and happiness do not go hand in hand.

I am not happy, I doubt I ever will be happy and as long as I strive to make those around me happy, thats totally ok with me. My grandmother was almost in tears when I explained this to her, she "only wants me to be happy". I told her not to worry, I am not worried. I don't need happy, I don't want happy. I just want to spend the rest of my live trying as hard as I can to make the people around me happy.

I hope I can do this...

"It is the nail that stands out that is the first to be hammered
down"
-Japanese Saying

FallenPhoenix

Chaos reigns...

2005-01-16T19:46:00.000+11:00

I used to be so adamant that I was a representative of chaos over law. I enjoyed change, I was creative and I was certainly anarchistic to a point but at this stage the thing I want most out of life right now is stability. I am about to move to Wagga on a much more permanent basis and I can't help but feel so very scared that the only stable part of my life is about to be ripped out from under me. My own space, my home, my friends and my family are all going to be an hour and a halfs drive away, which is an entire day away when you can't drive.

It doesn't make a difference to everyone else, living in thier stable little lives happy with the fact that they can see me when I come home. See, what they don't understand is how much I crave for the stability I'll be losing. I need these people. More speicifically I really need my own space. I might look tough on the outside but really things that would hurt most people seem to make me so very tired of people in general and I need a place to crash when it just gets too much and now I'll be sharing that space with someone. I can see this being a problem, I know I can keep my temper even if it kills me, but it's gonna make me very tired and I've experianced the downside of that before, I don't want to repeat it again.

Christmas Thoughts from a Lost Soul...

2004-12-25T23:17:00.000+11:00

It has only really just occured to me then that today is christmas day, a day which christians the world around celebrate to be the birth of the Lord Jesus, a man who revolutionised the world with a relgion he had no intention of starting. I've never discussed my relgious views on this site and I don't intend to, but I will say that I do not associate with any main stream religion. I am currently sitting here listening to Queen Elizibeth the Second and her annual christmas message. I am not a royalist, but I do respect this aged womans view and power, and her words are respectful and sensible. She talks of peace and people, relgion and war, and seems to me to take an attitude rather much like a concerned parent, much more so than the ruler of a country.

I must say that as I sit here and listen to this wonderful older womans views, she is really wiser than I have been lead to believe. Wow, Go Lizzie.

Anyways, back to the foundations of Christmas... it's a little dissapointing to see that Christmas has degenerated down to it's basest commercial elements, the pursuit and aquisition of presents and money. I would like to think that this all has something to do with making loved ones happy, but more and more, people tell thier relatives what to get them for christmas, to ensure that they get exactly what they wanted... it's just dissapointing... every aspect of my christmas was a surprise... I must admit I am usually not at all impressed with christmas, but I enoyed today (well all but the waking up)... I am kinda busy right now... I'll continue later...

within my heart i know the truth but i can't let go

2004-12-24T01:18:00.000+11:00

It's time I let go of everything to do with my boy and started to focus. I've been spending a lot of time with him recently and the young man I knew and what he is turning into seem to be two very different people. I am begginning to get the feeling that I did more harm than good with the relationship I have had up to this point and it is this sickening feeling which prompts me to sit back and allow fate to take it's course. No more meddling to try and get a relationship back on track.

It hurts me to think I hurt him. He hasn't said anything but I really think that he feels ashamed of everything we have achieved up to this point. This kills me, because thats not what I sensed when this all started back in 2001. I can't help but think that someone has said somethingto him to change the way he thinks or feels, but I would like to think he has more strength of character than that. We are still good friends, at least I hope we are, I am writing this on his omputer at 2AM... but he's not here...

I need to find the strength to let go... but this has been one of my only beacons of hope for the better part of two years. I need stronger support than what I am getting at this current point in time, and I am willing to bet that I am simply not going to get it. Does that mean that I am going to fall apart at the hings because my last hope at a dream relationship has just fallen to peices? Perhaps... I just don't know anymore. I am through with trying to propegate myself anymore. To hell with me. I'm a lost fucking cause. If fate wanted me to be happy, then it would not have dumped me with all the shit I am dealing with right now. I know this is illogical babble but I am so sik of the shit I have to put up with. I am failing university because my heart is at home. I am dead serious when I say that from this day forth, now more than ever, I live for others and others alone.

This is my vow and this is my song... live it... love it.

"When I look at you, my heart skips a beat. But later that beat could mean a lifetime of tears wasted on something I knew I could never have."
-Unknown

BrokenPhoenix

hunTing fOr answers in a woRld of paiN

2004-12-14T22:26:00.000+11:00

Today has not been the best of days... actually, today has been one of the longest, most stressful and hardest days in quite a while. For the first time in a long time I am so tired I can barely think, barely create, barely breathe. It's been a day where every force in the world is working against you to force you further and further into a hole.

I am working myself... the punches just keep on rolling... fuck I hate people who say they are going to commit to something and just fail to pull through at a time when you might actually need them. Ned just called to tell me that he isn't coming in this weekend, for the second weekend in a row... look... I am no neo-nazi... quite the opposite... but if you say your gonna be somewhere, you do it, or at least you come up with a better excuse than "I can't be there". Fuck... I am so sick of people who give me thier word only to expect to get out of it by saying, "oh sorry, I can't now"...

Anyway, as I was saying, I am working myself into a hole right now to get things all prepared for this workshop this weekend. It's a horrific drain on my already limited resources but I am putting in a lot of effort for these kids and it already seems to me like my enthusiasm is not being met equally... there is nothing I can do about that for sure, but at the very least, they could not have signed up for it at all, rather tahn leading me on with all this "yes, I am interested, yes I care" bullshit, before fucking me over AFTER all the work is already done... fucking hell..

Yes... bad mood... I'll get over it... always do... I'm gonna leave with another angry quote for the evening... I'll be back tommorow with more...

"You take everything I say with a grain of salt. Expecting every word I
say to be worth a pile of shit. Never believe a word I say, because I have a
cheerful disposition. Then why the fuck would I speak at all? I won't. Not to
have my heartfelt speech fall, not on deaf ears, but on ears that are closed to
me specifically. Who taught you this? Who taught you this? Fuck you
too!"
-Anonymous

FallenPhoenix

Listen with your heart, Listen to your soul...

2004-12-09T03:13:00.000+11:00

I'm sitting here, at roughly 3am on a Thursday morning, with no food, more importantly nothing to drink, feeling more empty than I have in a long time. I think I broke through a fairly important barrier this weekend. My boy is now either not interested or too scared to stay a night at my place. I think he's afraid of feeling what he feels when we are alone together and this alone has sort of been the final stake in the coffin.

I'm sitting listening to the newest Australian Idol, Casey Donovan. A sixteen year old girl singing straight from the soul and one whose newest song and choice of songs over this years competition have given me a lot of strength over the last couple of weeks. I normally dont condone or even like these competitions which usually fish for corporation crap as my boy calls them, but in this case I got addicted to this far from perfect young girls drive and spirit right from the first time I saw her and supported her ever since. I really love what she stands for, and her new song, "Listen with your heart" is something I think I really need to do.

I think that it's time for me to move on. I really love this boy, and when I went to Wangaratta, my dear Tam talked me through the scenario I was living with a precision I couldn't see from the inside. He doesn't love me. I knew this all along, but I've been deluding myself for a long time in the hopes that one day he would. I guess I am too emotional for him. A lot of my friends, and one in particular will have a hard time dealing with that last statement, but when I am with people that I can truly be me around, then I really do become more emotional and less of a hard ass than I put on... it's funny really, because the hard ass act can be such a tough one to hold up that I take the challenge as another reason to hold it in a time of weakness. I haven't cried in front of someone since I was 12 and I have no intention of ever doing it again. To me, something as intimate as crying is such a personal thing that it should be reserved for people that you share that most special of bonds with... and not a single other soul.

So, with heavy heart and many regrets I guess it's time to move on. Complications, no... hell... fuck my usual saying... problems... litter the path ahead of me. I really need to make a judgement call, do I wanna jump back on the chick bandwagon. I mean, my incident with Steph really threw me off that horse and I am almost sure I wanna stay away from that for a while... but if I wanna truly invest in the guy scene for a while, like set my heart to it, how far am I willing to invest? I mean, I've always hated the gay scene with a vengeance. No-one will roll thier eyes at the marti-gras more than me, no one will tutt thier tongues at "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" more than me. Stereotypical gays turn my stomach. I guess it's my own form of homophobia... which is both interesting and ironic. I mean, I have no intention of hassling them, or trying to hurt them in any way, but they make me uncomfortable yeah? So... what to do... I am not even close to ready to opening the door to the public as far as my preferences go... and if I can't put a label on myself, then I guess it's gonna be difficult to admit to anything anyway...

So basically, unless I wanna stay single for the next five to ten decades, I really have to start making some life changing decisons. The way I see it, I can go around the back of my friends and family for as long as I want, but thats not gonna make anyone happy. I don't wanna have to hide someone if I find them, and I don't like lying to people I trust...

Of course I am getting way ahead of myself... I need to find someone before I can start worrying about what to tell the rents. At this stage, for all I know, I'll find some young attractive lass, enjoy her company, ignore the fact that she is a woman and therefore totally impossible to navigate and marry her and have lots of little me's and her's running around... not very likely... but hell... at this stage, nor is any scenario which portrays me as ending my life happily...

At the moment, I've got no real goal and nothing to live for... but I got off the self-hurt bandwagon in the early naughties... so now, rather than ending my life because I have nothing to live for, I have to spend all of my life finding something to live for, which in turn gives me something worthwhile to live for... if that makes any sense.

I guess now my fate is up to me and my decision making skills. I have no real paths to follow as far as the relationship crisis goes. I mean, I have two guys in Wagga who are apparently chasing me down... Stuart and Jason... both bad-mouth each other, which gives me the distinct impression that they've done the rounds, which is already a major turn-off... I really felt like I clicked with Jason when we spent a couple of nights talking, but Tammy and I am sure all of my other friends have always told me to aim high, no matter how desperate you are, and if I stay constant to my regular standards, he wouldn't make the cut, not by a long shot. I mean, listen, I'm sure he's a lovely guy who would be rewarding to get to know, but he's only just 18 (yes I know, my boy wasn't even close), he is not at university, has no aspirations for a greater education and is therefore limited to some pretty menial stuff, he looks... ummm... well... not my type (I've only seen him at a distance, far call, but... well... you know when your gut tells you something...) and... yeh... it just doesn't seem to me like anything serious would work out. More importantly, I hear from the rest of the people in Wagga I talk to that he is a serious user of people... and that makes me wary more than anything else. I mean i'd disregard it if only one person mentioned it, but one person definately did not, it was more like about four... so yeah... I don't know where it would go...

So... with my boy almost solidly out of the equation, life must begin again. I really must listen with my heart, listen to my soul, inside I'll find my answer, the place I need to go...

"Every time I look into your eyes I fall in love again, so I try to
avoid them"
-Anonymous

FallenPhoenix

watChing and waiting fOr my Love to sliDe my way...

2004-12-03T01:12:00.000+11:00

I feel so cold and numb right now... I feel like I am the only person in this wide open world who cant openly express themsevles and it's starting to really eat at me. I mean, I heard that a group of my friends went away last weekend to a local race meet and picked up 3 really nice looking chicks... just like that...

I do not consider myself introverted, at least not after a little buttering up... so I guess that if I was entirely straight, I would be able to pick up with as much succeess as them, with supreme confidence. It's just that people like me still have this terrible social stigma around them, so much so that they are frowned upon in civilised society and made to look so much different from the others. Thats the purpose of putting people into categories with labels, you are making them different by definition. The only thing different about me is that I like guy's... I mean come on people, I am otherwise a normal functioning human being, a normal person with normal wants and needs... shit... looks like even I've invested in this differentiating crap as well. What exactly is "NORMAL"? The way I see it, normal is just a mould created to make the people who don't fit societies standards feel bad about themselves... FUCKING HELL.... if there is anything in this world that makes me mad, it is the fact that some people are just so fucking close minded... you dont see me shaking my fist at... say... Extreme Christians... I don't really like the group as a whole or what they represent, but I respect thier right to make thier own decisions in the world and if they don't respect my right to do the same then that is thier issue, not mine, I don't invest in that shit and honestly, I don't really think anyone should. I can't remember for the life of me who wrote the "Live and let live" saying, but to me it sounds like a pretty awesome mantra to set your watch by... something I entirely agree with.

Somewhere in this post, I should prolly apologise to myself for waiting such a long time to write another post. I've been missing the net terribly, but due to money problems nearly got it severed very recently... screw that... this little baby is my lifeline and something I hold very dear...

My life at the moment... hmmm... I need to get me a guy... desperately... my boy... the one I am chasing at the moment, is sorta avoiding me at the moment, and honestly, thats fine, I know when I'm being used and all that does is make me feel like shit, so for now, he's off limits. And after Steph, I am over chicks for the moment, so I want to be finding me a guy... so where to look... there is this Jas fella from Wagga... but despite the fact that we sound a perfect match, I am way too wary to engage in anything that would jepordise my life at university. I am not even close to ready to become a member of a community I myself find a little overbearing... and here is the direct problem cropping up again.

See I had this ephiphany about two months ago where I worked out that I was fragmented and that to make myself more happy I needed to stop acting to what everyone wanted from me and become someone that I was actually proud of and liked, and the way that ended up was with me being exactly the same because of one simple thing... I am totally scared to be myself. I've pulled up these wrought iron walls around myself to protect me from other people and although I occasionally lower a part of them when I let my friends see a portion of the real me, they have grown too strong and not even I can pull them down now... it would take a really special person now to tear down the walls around me... it would take a lot of love and a lot of time, two things I dont believe that I deserve...

And so we go back to phase one... working out how to deal with the fact that I am in a rut because I cannot move forward because I refuse to fix the problems my own psychoanalysis has picked up... wow... such progress... still, I believe that even just writing that down is a step in the right direction... now all I need is for someone to help me sop making three or four steps in the wrong direction...

Of course that in itself is a problem, I mean, I refuse to ask for help, it's not in my nature to put people out like that. I mean, I just went to Wangaratta to see Tam the other day and in one night, she helped put the whole "crush on a boy who will never be able to love you thing" into perspective... She did it with an amazing sense of gentleness and care that I am currently unable to fathom, I mean that girl really is special, and I don't deserve her, not in the least.

I know who I need to ask for help... and I know I can't ask them... which leaves me in a little bit of a press...

"If the only way we can be together is in my dreams, then I will sleep
forever."
-Anonymous

FallenPhoenix

cLOaked in Shadow, needing To escape.

2004-11-13T01:14:00.000+11:00

I can't shake this feeling that my life is sitting in one gigantic rutt. At the moment, there doesn't seem to be any forward motion to my life. I don't feel like my mockery of a relationship is travelling anywhere, my education isn't going anywhere until next year and each one of my friendships bar one is stalling to the point of dying.

I'm not sure how I managed to get myself into such a fucked up predicament, but I know that the way my is stagnating I need to do something fairly soon. At first, I figured that I could just deal with this the same way I dealt with everyone elses problems, but that very quickly crashed and burned when I realised that no-one I know has ever experianced this problem before. The way I deal with an issue is I relate it to a personal experiance and try and talk the person through it the way that I went or the way that I should have went, and the problem usually kinda disolves from there.

My issue is that without personal experiance, I usually just leave my solution to intuion and a little luck, helping the person as I would see myself going about a problem. Unfortunately, these things, the intuion and the luck are a little useless now, because if I had either to do with this situation, I wouldn't be in the goddamn situation.

This is getting me nowhere, the way that I see it I am just going to have to let this problem kinda unwind and if I end up unhappy and alone, then thats fate. I can feel someone's eyes rolling at the moment due to me being a cosmic hypocrite, but the way I see it, I give such good advice to other people, I am allowed to be completely fucking hopeless when it comes to taking my own advice.

I just worked out that I am completely fucking screwed. I can't take my own advice because it simply doesn't work that way, and I cant ask other people for advice because I think it makes me look weak, so I am left to stumble through my life with no guidance and not a fucking hope or clue in this wide world until I either get lucky and find the person of my dreams or die a horrible lonely death with not a single person in my life who cares about me in any way. How bleak...

I am not actively trying to seek out someone to share my life with, and thus I am not actively seeking to fulfill my lifelong goal, and the only reason that I am not actively seeking someone is actually two things...

First of all, I am entertaining some ludicrous notion that my boy will just turn around and actually fully commit himself to me, which is pure and utter wishful shit. It ain't gonna happen, it ain't ever gonna happen, hell will freeze over and little purple monkeys will take Takada Mishinoku by storm before it happens... but some slim, tiny little inadequate glimmer of hope keeps me just that one step away from moving on. I want a serious relationship more than anything in the world, be it with this boy or any other worthy person... but he is here right now and right now he is my closest hope.

The second and more prevalent issue lies with the fact that I am so scared to invest my true self to anyone who I dont know that I end up creating this mega-umpty character who is so sadly loserish, that I just can't seem to get anything right. I need to be so different, I don't drink, I don't like social gatherings and I dislike most things the popular world finds interesting... I swear to the god's and goddesses I am doomed... I really am.

I think I really am "cLOaked in Shadow, needing To escape".

"If I am the same, you critisize me. If I am different, you judge me. If I
walk the line in between I am accused of being cynical. How about this? You
stand in a room full of 100 people that share my point of view, and we'll see
how righteous you are when the odds are in my favour."
-Anonymous

ShadedPhoenix

Where there's a will...

2004-11-05T06:53:00.000+11:00

Well, I should have written in this a little earlier, but I guess I didn't. It's been pretty turbid since my last post. Ned came over yesterday at 3pm and I was still very much in bed after a late night. I was so tired that I slept through my alarm and decided that hockey was not the best idea in the world. It's been raining here for the better part of 8 hours, which is fantastic and even in the rain, Ned still went and got us pizza with his own money and what little he could find in my wallet. So sweet. He got here at 8pm and I was still sorta dozing. I asked him to keep the lights off so that I could adjust or something, as it was still kinda twilighty. Of course he completely ignored my request and blared light in face. How nice.

I called him an asshole jokingly as I hauled ass out of bed and he said somewhat seriously that he was just getting revenge. I asked what he meant and he said that I could be an asshole too sometimes, way more seriously than I had originally pitched the conversation. I replied that I tried hard not to be and he said sometimes that it wasn't enough. Of course you dont let stuff like this show but that really hurt me. I always try so hard not to annoy people. Seriously, over half of my life is spent making other peoples lives easier in some way. I generally disregard my own problems and just deal with my friends issues, it's so much more rewarding to know that I am helping them along thier life path.

Ned shut me out a long time ago, it was actually not long after he found out I was inclined towards the male end of the spectrum. He's been distant ever since. Even so, he isn't the most open of people and doesn't like talking about the deeper issues. I don't really have an issue with this at all, but sometimes I feel like he's deliberately put distance between us because of my inclination. I mean, I could be a little more subtle with the way I am with him, but what he doesn't understand that most of my life is so far in the closet that the only time I can truly be my cheeky flirtatious self is when I am around people who know, and I am like that with most everyone. I thought he was above the homophobic predisposition, but if he's not and I am forced back into my mundane boring existance in his presence, then I guess that proves a lot about our friendship.

Right here and right now, I don't want a relationship with Ned, I did once, but now, even if the opportunity presented itself, I'd have trouble dealing with it. Don't get me wrong, he's a nice kid, and I am not exactly being picky choosy when it comes to mates right now, but in all seriousness I can't see him being good boyfriend material. See, as awful as it sounds, but I would rather have meaningless sex with him than get into a relationship... a relationship would ruin things between us, I think, and whether or not he values our friendship as much as I do, I would be shattered to lose him as a friend, even if it was for more.

Of course, Ned is perfectly straight, so I don't know why I am having this conversation with myself. That hasn't stopped him on a few occassions mind...

The other issue which presented itself tonight was sort of a mood I've been in recently. This time of the year, leading up to my birthday, is usually the time of year I start thinking about how alone I am after yet another year without companionship. This year, it's got me thinking that I have gotten through the year with very little friends support either. This is due to two things. I have gotten further and further distanced from Tammy and Ned, for numerous reasons. Distance is one and relationships are another. I dont want to intrude.

Secondly, I am too stubborn to admit I need my friends help. I have Chris from Albury pestering me daily, checking my emotional well-being and the like, and I always say "Yes Chris, I'm doing fine, no problems to speak of". I hate lying to people I love but there isn't anything I feel they can do for me bar sit and listen. I appreciate the concern, I really do, but in cases like mine, the only person who can bring about a positive change is myself.

I think that my total lack of any hope of finding someone is due to a socialising problem. I don't socialise, and I do this not out of some sort of social ineptitude, I like going out and I don't dislike people persay... but I do absolutely abhor drunkeness of any kind. My friends, or the ones I am likely to socialise with at least, are sadly critical of this, and despite my best bluffing efforts to get them off my back, I cannot seem to find a story thats far enough from the truth to be in my comfort zone, but contains enough shocking detail to keep them satisfied.

Let it be known here that only one other person on this planet besides myself and the psychiatrist who performed the hynotherapy on me know this information. I was sexually abused as a child, by one of the drunken boyfriends of my mother. To the best of my knowledge she knew about this and did nothing. As far as psychological effects go, the shrink said that I was both extremely resilient and extremely lucky. My mind made sort of a mental barrier which blocked the memories from my concious mind and my sub-concious mind manifested the memories through a distaste for alcohol and a distrust and wariness around drunks. I am also very dissapointed when my friends succumb to the grasp of modern pop-culture and go out and get smashed. Not only is it not healthy, it promotes horrible and illegal behaviour. Passing that, think of the poor people that are around you when your not drunk and what they have to go through... it just plain fucking sucks. GOD DAMN IT!!! I still can't hate my mum.... yet another issue I have to tackle... how the hell do I feel about her... Kathryn Ann Sullivan.

Another issue for another time I guess. I am heading to Wagga this morning and I have to clean this place up or I am not allowed to go to Sydney on the weekend. I have absolutely no idea how Grandmother dearest intends to sever my ability to travel across the state, but a threat is a threat and I should more or less do as I'm told. Respect the elders and all that... I'd want my wishes fulfilled if I ever made it to that age as well. They've been around so much longer than we have, and have a tangible wisdom that most modern kids don't get to see. Pity for them.

I'll leave today's post with a quote I love... until next time...

"I don't want to talk to you anymore, I am afraid of what I might say. I
bite my tongue every time you come around. There's blood in my mouth. Beats
blood on the ground."
- Incubus
SilentPhoenix

Bored Phoenix

2004-11-04T15:58:00.000+11:00

Well, I'm sitting in front my computer again, drinking a Coke that my boy bought me... . Just so ya'll know, I love coke, like I really love it. I am addicted to the stuff.

Well, he was here today. Actually he woke me up at 3:45pm this afternoon. I love waking up to him, I really do, and he does it with such a playful sort of innocence which is so sweet. Innocent but very guy like, as in he still throws stuff at me, which is perfectly ok from him.

In other news, I have to go back to University on Friday now, and Ned is coming over tommorow for the weekly hockey meets that I used to play in, of course thats completely impossible now due to the situation with my knees.

I don't know that much else happened today, all I do know is that I would do anything for my boy... *sigh* All this pining is so unlike me, I wish I had a little more self-control and the ironic thing is that I usually do. I am more or less reserved with my feelings, it's very unusual when I actually let my feelings out into the outside world. There are very few people who I trust that much. No-one has ever, and will ever see me cry for an emotional reason, and I don't think anyone has seen me cry out in pain either. I mean I broke my jaw last year and Jarrod and Jess heard me cry out, but thats it.

Wow, I'm a total emotion nazi... how interesting. I don't like to show emotion because I think it weakens me. I don't want people worrying about me anyway, thats my job. If all I ever get out of my time on this planet is making the lives of other people easier, then I'll have acheived my goal.

The only other thing I want from this life is to experiance mutual love... and that goal is slipping further and further away...

"I've learned that goodbyes will always hurt, pictures never replace having
been there, memories good or bad will always bring tears, and words can never
replace feelings."
-Unknown
FallenPhoenix

Stormy Phoenix

2004-11-03T13:23:00.000+11:00

Wow, a storm is really kicking today. It's late afternoon and it's really getting wild out there. I love storms, just thought I'd say that now. I just love them, it's my favourite type of weather. Not sure why, it just charges me.

In any case, I've spent most of the day alone today. As denoted by my previous two posts, I was up all night and seeing as the only reason that I am home right now is because I was going to see an orthopaedic surgeon today about knee problems, I should probably address that. As far as the Dr. is concerned, my knees are quite fine, and although he would like some further scans done (an M.R.I) to make sure of it, he suggests I just go a little more easy on them. I am involved in a few sports which make my knees a litte more worn than most people my age, so I guess this is good advice.

I just walked into my spare bedroom where my friend in question slept two days ago... I just went in there to savour the feel of the room. I think this is obsession, or something along those lines, reaching out for something you can't have and wanting it more than anything in the world. I guess I just have to grit and bear it.

Unless I have some sort of profound epiphany tonight, this will be the last post I make until probably Sunday night, because I am heading up to Sydney in a random matyr act... Jarrod, who I am not on the best of terms with at the current time, wants some company when he makes the long drive home on Sunday so I'll be taking the train up there, which costs money, and then spending a few days up there, which costs more money, then driving back with him on Sunday, which will inevitably cost me money, before returning to University by bus the following morning, for an added expense. I have dick all cash right now, having just splurged a rather large amount of my fortnightly budget on a present for a friend, and now I am almost utterly broke. To add to this dilemma, I have an overdue phone-bill which needs paying. I love my phone, but it's hell expensive at times. One of my mates owes me a bit of money, but I doubt I'll see much of it until I threaten to break his legs.

And so, with a sigh, life goes on for another day. I am sleepy as all hell, but more importantly I am hungry, and although my grandmother asked rather pointedly whether I was still famished when we got back from the doctors, I doubt that food is going to just randomly appear at my feet. I kinda wish it would.

Being alone sucks, it really does.

"Dont cry over someone who wont cry over you"
-Anonymous

Stormy Phoenix

About the Phoenix

2004-11-03T00:11:00.000+11:00

Ok, I did a little digging and managed to find my old Blog. I used to do an acting course at university and dropped out because the people hated me. I am a coward when it comes to actually confronting people with issues to do with me.

Regardless, there is a really interesting post in it, which is basically a personality test, it's a really great "Map to Steve" here it is.

---

Who am I? Steven

Where am I? Sitting in my room at Charles Sturt University, Wagga Wagga, New South Wales, Australia.

What am I doing? Filling out a character bio for my blog on ehmanpenn.com

What is my name? Steven Wayne James (last name omitted for privacy reasons)

How old am I? Nineteen Years and Eleven Months

Where was I born? Canterbury Hospital, Sydney, Australia

Where do I live? Between University in Wagga and my home in Leeton, N.S.W

What are my social, financial and political circumstances and beliefs?

Social : I feel that it is important for everyone to interact socially. I feel that while a enriching and unique social life is important it is not the be all and end of all life. I feel that there are many more important things. With that said, I rely on my friends with insane frequency. I love being around the few people I call my friends and couldn't live without them.

Financial: Ahem... Well, I am very, very, very, free with my money. I believe money is there to use and that it is nowhere near as important as the other aspects of life. I really dislike people who are too wrapped up in money, definitely at my age. Monetarily, I am always broke. I make enough money to survive (albeit barely) but I spend way too much most of the time as well... *sigh*

Political: Meh! I really don't have any political standpoint. It really doesn't worry me. I know it's bad but I consider voting in an election a necessary evil.

If I were an animal, what would I be? Probably a dog, I love a dog's life.

If I were an element (earth, air, fire, water) what would I be? Fire. I am deeply spiritual, and my astrological element is fire. I believe that I am a prime example of this element, with the power to create or destroy but not the control to choose.

What are my physical characteristics? I am tall but surprisingly agile for my height. I have massive legs (from many years spent on an Olympic trampoline) and a underbuilt upper body. As such I am not exactly proportioned and I am way too lazy to get off my butt and do anything about it. I am not fat but I sure as hell aint skinny. I feel that I am maintaining an optimal weight at the present time.

What are my likes and dislikes?

Likes: Fire, fantasy, Food, performing arts, music, warmth, strength of character, soul-jarring conversations with someone you really trust.

Dislikes: Being pushed around, close-minded people, winter, being hungry, shallowness, deceit.

What opinion do you hold dear? I am my own person and there aint no-one on this earth that has the power to change who I am but myself. I will be who I am forever and that's a fact.

What do I do to achieve this? I often speak my mind at inappropriate times and am a free spirit with the majority of my actions. I take constructive criticism about myself but will not follow a crowd or fashion if I don't like it, regardless of the social and ethical costs.

What do I do each day? I get up and I go to uni (when I have class). I generally wake up tired because I always go to bed way too late. I never have enough money for any meal other than breakfast so I always go to breakfast and that's usually my only meal for the day. After class, I'll come home, do some writing and generally get some sleep, I find I sleep a lot nowadays...

What are my hobbies? Hmmm, I always did like computer games but during uni time I am either doing university work or sleeping. It's sad really but there usually isn't time for anything else.

What am I wearing? Why? Ok, at the moment, I am wearing a red t-shirt with a Nike symbol on it and blue trackpants, somewhat of an atypical selection for summer, and now that I think about it, it's really quite hot in here. I am wearing the red because it's still my favourite colour, even though my more fashion conscious friends have been trying to beat it out of me and the trackpants was because it's the only dark thing I have in my current wardrobe that wasn't up in the house.

What is in my pockets? Why? At the moment, nothing, but usually I have my wallet, my mobile phone and a set of keys which alternate depending on my location. The wallet is there because it is a force of habit to take it with me everywhere I go in case I need money or I.D. I've currently got $20 Australian in it. My mobile phone is my lifeline to friends. I have it with me all the time. It is always on and I can always be reached, no matter where I am. This is in case of any emergency that people are going through. I want to be able to know straight away. The keys are either a single key with a red tag when I am at uni, or my set of 4 silver keys on a dog-chain when I am home. At the moment... My home set is currently in my uni room... How annoying.

What are two extreme points of my personality? I have a tendency to be very open about my secrets. There are very few things about me... None that I can think of off the top of my head... That absolutely no-one knows. On the other hand, I will often lie about questions that target me in a fear of being in the spotlight for too long. I like it when people cannot see the real me... It makes me feel more safe.

What is my life objective? To lead a happy, fulfilling and prosperous life with someone who cares about me and whom I care about.

What is my status/relationship to other people? Depending on the person, I feel that I get along well with almost all different types of people. With this said, I can be somewhat prejudiced against those who belong to a group of people I dislike, an example being your general "footy fat-head" (my personal term for self-absorbed jocks). I cannot see past a person who belongs to that group and get to know the real them because I believe we are on polar opposites and are incompatible as friends or even acquaintances. As much as I would love to be proven wrong, I never have been...

What are the three most important events that have occurred in my life? To me the most important thing that ever happened to me was the disintergration of a group of friends who I had been friends with all through junior high. I got kicked out of the group because someone suspected I was gay (ironically I was) and it was through this break down of my friendship group that I was able to fully experience life alone through school. It taught me a lot of things and I finally settled down into a new group of friends who actually respected me for who I was (not that they knew any of the rumours were true yet) and in this group were both Ned and Tam. They are still my closest friends.

The second most important event to happen in my life was slightly before the first, in the meeting of Jarrod. Jarrod was a member of the aforementioned friendship group but he and I had been friends since primary school and he gave me a lot more benefit of the doubt. He and I still remained friends after the whole incident and to this day we still hang out. He is 100% straight (which I cannot deny being disappointed about) and although he is just coming out of a messy relationship with Jess, my closest cousin and someone I treat as my little sister, he and I remain close.

The third and final most important thing that has happened to my life was getting the internet. It has educated me beyond measure and has allowed me to meet some truly unique and inspiring people. I will mention a few names, purely because I feel that certain people have touched me beyond that that even my real life friends have. First and most importantly, Mark. A friend of mine from the states that I couldn't have gotten through some of the toughest moments of my life without. We have been friends for the better part of three years now and he is like an older brother to me. I'll love him forever and he knows it. Sherena, a nice young girl from Canada whom I met through one of the various websites I signed up for. She is a legend in her own right and like all of us she has many little issues floating around in her head. Sherena helped me to no end when I was first here at university because she gave me some crucial advice when I needed it most. And finally Maxx, Sherena's boyfriend. He and I have been at odds a few times recently but he is a real champion, a nice guy and again, has many issues. I have to say that of all the people listed here I feel the most connection to him because of several similar instances we have encountered.

The most beautiful part of my body is... my face. I am not saying I am incredibly good looking, or even at all good looking, shit in my eyes I aint, but my face is my tool for explaining things to other people. I convey my feelings, my issues and my life through my face and I feel that it is the most beautiful part of me because if it.

Happiness to me is... the freedom to do what you think is right free of societies or even other peoples beliefs.

The thing I most want to do before I die is... say that I have loved someone and that they have returned it. It might be a small thing but in my books, that's real and important to me.

The most embarrassed I ever was... was probably when I was very little. I don't get embarrassed easily, because I've been acting all my life and due to my perpetual cynicism, I am one tough cookie. Talk about your 30ft stone walls.

The ugliest part of my body is... Probably my hair. While it looks ok at the moment and I am looking after it far more than I used to, it is still artificially straightened, black and strawlike... How annoying...

The thing I like best about myself... is my ability to rise to my feet regardless of the crisis at hand. There has not been a single situation in my life where I have not known exactly what to do. Granted sometimes took longer than others but I have moved though everything as I got it, without stopping. I feel that's a real life skill and something a lot of people need to develop. (not to say there aren't a billion different things I have to develop). This is the main reason for my handle: Phoenix.

Pain to me is... the unbearable loneliness that creeps into your soul at 3am some idle Tuesday morning and regardless of how hard you try to shake it claws away at your very being until there is nothing left but a desicated husk void of all emotion and spirit.

My mother/grandmother/female caretaker or w/e... Taught me... the true meaning of respect. My grandmother is a beautiful woman and respect to her is a very important thing. As such I prioritise it highly as well and that is something I will always thank her for.

The thing I regret most is... the four years of my life I wasted wishing that I was somebody else. In all seriousness, I realise now that that was the biggest waste of time possible. It was unavoidable at the time but I regret that I didn't have the strength of mind, the presence of character and the power of will to break out of it and accept who I was a lot sooner. If I had have, my teenage years could have been a lot better.

The most secret thing about me is... my ability to manipulate people, both mentally and emotionally. This was another tough question and sad to say I could only come up with a negative answer. Very few people know when I play them mentally or emotionally. I have always used my natural born intellect to control situations to my liking and people have never really noticed it. This is a great shame because I could use my intelligence for so many other purposes... But what can you do, we are who we are.

I can hear my father/grandfather/ male caretakers voice speaking through my own when I say... Thankyou! This was an insanely difficult one. My grandfather is a many of very few words but the words he says he means. As such, I almost never say thankyou an a lot of people think I am being rude by omitting it in my every day speech. This is not my intention, I only ever say Thankyou when I mean it. This goes for a lot of other things as well... The important things in life don't need to be said over and over until they are done to death, they need to be said every so often and meant!

Love to me is... when two people accept each other into thier lives without fear of persecution. Each person maintains thier individuality but the strength of the bond between the two are strong enough to challenge all else. Love is when two people trust and respect each other explicitly and without question. Love is beautiful. Love is... Love... I guess...

The thing I am most proud of is... that my friends all seem to be progressing into a period where they no longer need me as a guide. For so many years I helped them with deep seeded issues and it looks as though I have completely out-lived my usefulness. I am so proud of all of them for learning from thier mistakes and not making new ones. Well Done Guys!! Now if only I could work that well on myself...

Every time I don't get what I want I tell myself... Meh! What can you do. We do not control every aspect of our fates. There are times when little we do matters because the end result is decided by someone else. It is times like these where you have to sit back, sigh, and continue on with your life. Dwelling on things we cannot change does much more harm than good. As I told a friend of mine just yesterday, "... Hatred is such a negative emotion... And it achieves nothing... I'd rather continue a positive relationship with someone than a wilily negative one... that's a strong belief of mine"

If you could hear the music in me... you would more likely than not be totally fascinated by the depth of the music. At times you would cry, at times you would laugh. And such is the emotional rollercoaster of my life. I long to share the music of my being with someone someday... but as yet that someone has eluded me.

I want my epitaph to be... (for those who don't know what an epitaph is, it's what will be written on your gravestone) "If the only way we can be together is in my dreams, then I'll sleep forever".

---

Ok that's the end of my little personality profile. I am kinda hungry right now and the house is still out-of-bounds because it's only 5am and my grandmother would kill me if she knew I was up. I'm gonna leave a link for anyone who wants to visit my old Blog, as well as to another site. Both have stories that have shaped my opinion on love for the rest of my life. Ehmann, Ty, I love you both.

The Blog Site is: www.ehmanpenn.com/pmnew/sully.php
And the other site is: www.stormnation.com

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
-Robert
Fulghum

FallenPhoenix

The Fallen Phoenix

2004-11-02T23:02:00.000+11:00

Ok, well this is my first blog post in a very long time. To make this very clear from it's outset, this is not my first Blog and I doubt it will be my last. Every time I run into a snag in my life I seem to have a need to outlet it somewhere and due to a number of issues I have with people, I cannot open up to them.

I found out when I was thirteen or so that I liked guys. I hate labels and to label myself gay or straight would, I think, do me a great injustice. I just seem to like guys. For now thats all I'll say. Suffice to say that as a 13 yr old, I had absolutely no idea what that meant and only with the introduction of the internet several years later did I actually determine that this was considered a "problem" by the rest of the world. I found this confusing, but as it turned out, I would find out later exactly what the concequences of this little abnormality were to be.

First a little on myself. My name is Steve, I am currently nineteen, drawing closer and closer to my twentieth birthday with every passing minute (25th November). I live in a small town in New South Wales Australia, although I currently attend university, where I am studying teaching. There is so much to write to talk about my history, and I'll try and get through all of it, though doubtfully in some ultra-post tonight. For now, we start with begginnings.

As I said, I live in a small town, occupying a flat in the backyard of my grandmothers house. My mother concieved me when she was 16 and she and my father, whose name I am not even familiar with, never married. To the best of my knowledge, he split not long after my birth. My mother tried her very best (at least this is what I am told) to look after me in her condition and although my memories of that time in my life are not particularly clear, I do not remember much happiness.

In my fifth year, my mother had too much and sent my to my grandparents for the weekend, never returning to pick me up. I remember that life after this point changed dramatically and I have been blessed by two of the most caring and loving grandparents a person could ever ask for. These two wonderful people shaped me to be who I am today and although I recently lost my grandfather to cancer, I will fondly remember him as a strong and caring male role-model, loved by his community and his family.

My mother did not show herself too much more in my life, appearing breifly not long after my 13th birthday (which I incidentally spent in hospital with gastro) informing me that I had two half-brothers. I was too young to feel much for them at the time, and I remember only slight connection with them. Today, having not spoken to, or heard from my mother or brothers in several years, I feel a great sense of emptiness and loss over this. Unfortunately, my mother is an expert at not being found and although, I have, as yet made no attempt to locate her, my grandmothers attempts during my grandfathers illness were in vain.

To get me to this point in time, I must first explain the issue of friendships, which are the primary concern of me writing my thoughts down. I have an uncanny knack for finding and making a few close friends, begin to trust them, and have it all blow up in it's face. To explain, lets start with primary school. At the start of my 3rd year of school, I made friends with two boys, Nick and Simon, and we were good friends for 3 years. At some stage at the start of Yr 6 I was unsubtly told by the two of them that they no longer liked me and that I could leave now. This shaped my view of people in a somewhat negative way for the rest of my life and left me somewhat cynical, despite my best efforts against it.

I was lucky enough to be picked up (be it out of sympathy or not) by a group of people who, looking back, could only really be described as populars. I took an immediate shine to a boy called Jarrod within the group and he and I really hit it off. I began to make friends with his friends and we became quite close. I can honestly say that as we entered high school, I was quite happy. As I started my first year of high school, we made a circle of friends, Myself and Jarrod, Jassi, an Indian boy whom Jarrod had been friends with throughout most of his life and David, a boy of below average intelligence whom I befriended in a History class after I made him laugh. This formed the basis of my friends for my junior high life.

In a tragedy we all saw coming, Jarrod's parents did to him what they had done to his older brother and sent him to boarding school in Sydney, which is about 8 hours drive from where we lived. This totally shattered me, but I didn't let it show, I wanted to be strong for everyone. I can honestly say that Jarrod was the first person I ever really liked at high school, I guess he was my first crush, and seeing him leave really did crush (excuse the pun) the life out of me.

Soon, and almost inevitably, Jassi and I began to grate on each others nerves. Jarrod was somewhat of a peace-keeper between the two of us, and with him gone things got ugly quickly. I am a somewhat quiet manipulator, dealing with things behind the scences, and I dont like to lead, rather I like to be sort of a second in command, and deal with people through others. Jassi was, and still is, a natural leader, and quickly dominated our group of friends.

The addition of two new people into our friendship group, Anthony and Guillaume, two boys we met through extra-circular activities, made things more complicated. Jassi and Anton were immediately close, sharing a love of politics and media, and Guillaume and David took of as well, leaving me as somewhat of an outsider. Things continued with relative security, until a somewhat atypical misjudgement from me blew the entire world I knew out of the water.

As a fifteen year old guy who had never been in a relationship and never been touched before, my hormones were totally racing. I guess they were the soul motivation for a fateful maths class where I asked David if he'd be interested in some sort of mutual experiance with me. For starters, and with the wisdom of hindsight, I really shouldn't have picked David of all people. He said nothing about it, went home and rang Guillaume and it was all over school the next week. I was totally shattered.

Skipping forward again, I spent a lot of time alone for the remainder of that year, stronger than I was the previous time, which had sent me into clinical depression, but this time more bitter and cynical than ever. I began to beleive that there was no-one in the world that I could trust and that it was me against the world. I have litterally only just gotten over that little mindset this year.

I was introduced to Ned through the same extra-ciricular activity which bought my old group Anton and Guillaume. Ned was a year younger than me, which in my old school was social suicide, but I figured I couldn't kill what was already dead and we became friends instantly. He and I clicked on so many levels and he bought me into his group of friends, all a year below myself. Ned and I remain good friends.

Throughout the rest of my time in High School, I met an absolutely gorgeous girl in my Drama class called Tammy, and she and I clicked as well. She was the first real female friend I had ever had and she kida forced me into her group of friends as well. From that stage in my life, late year ten, onwards, I must admit I have had great friends in Tammy and Ned, and although I am not as close to either as I used to be, I will always love them both.

Thats a fairly brief overview of my history... now lets get into my thoughts.

At the moment I am totally in a rut. I can't focus on anything and it seems like everyone has a complete hold of thier lives and are powerful forward towards a bright future. I should be the same, but I cant seem to find a focus.

I have a love for psychology and although I am no trained shrink, I have helped many people get over intense personal and family problems. So why can't I help myself? I have several theories for why I could be feeling this way and I'll share a few of them now, mabye in future posts I can go into greater detail.

First of all I am lonely. I dont know what to think really, but my appalling lack of charisma (I am not exactly unattractive, but I could look better) isn't helping. I really want to be in a relationship, I am the only person I know who is my age and has not been in a serious relationship by this stage. I haven't been in a relationship... period. The only people I have ever liked have turned out to be homophobic, totally straight or worse, have played with me for sex and left me totally broken in the process. Worst part is, I am still "friends" with all of them.

I consider myself an intelligent person, I really do. But for the life of me, I dont know what to do. I just want to find someone who I can spend the rest of my life with, and I am too paranoid that my liking guys will get out and destroy my life and the lives of people who I care about again to go out and do anything about it. In all seriousness, I don't want to see the looks on peoples faces when they find out that someone like me likes guys. I dont want to see the looks they will give my grandmother, a respected member of the community, when they find out that her grandson, the one she raised, the spawn of evil, likes guys. I just don't want people to go through that.

So I have to stay alone and will probably have to live with that forever. I can't see another way for it to end. The town in which I live is so small and desolate that the people who are like me are going to run for the nearest city to make life easier at thier earliest convienance.

Lets discuss my lack of trust for other people... if my friends are so important, why can't I speak to them about this?

Ok for starters, I don't want to bother Tammy anymore with my insignificant issues. She has her life now and a wonderful boyfriend whom she is already completely convinced will be her husband some day. Quite frankly so do I. She has her life now, almost five hours away from a home she never visits anymore. I just want her to be happy, and worrying about me wont help to acheive that goal.

Ned is a little more complicated. Both of the aforementioned people know about my preferences, and Ned even fits into the category of people who I've liked and who have screwed me over for sex. He remains one of my most trusted friends because although he shattered me at one time in my life when I really didn't need it, it was deserved, because I had never been entirely truthful to him either. He is, as ever, great fun to be around, but quite frankly, all the time I spend with him kills my soul a little more. I fear I am slipping further and further into an old mindset, further into the notion that I will forever be alone and that I can do nothing to change this. As far as I am concerned, it's me against the world and there is very little I can do about that.

This brings me to my current dilemma. Without going into too much details, I fell hard for a boy who is several years younger than I am and despite this, we remain good friends. He does not really know about my preferences, although we have on several occassions had "hormonal romps" as he calls them. This served to make me even more smitten than I already was... except that not only is said boy not interested, he is a total homophobe.

Life goes on I guess and he's recently just doused whatever fire I have left in my soul. Hence the name of this Blog. I have always admired the tenacity of the mystical Phoenix, a figure of such undeniable fiery will that he could not be quenched. Every time he fell, he would rise again. In a way, I identify with the phoenix more than any other, and have adopted it as my handle and my totem.

At the moment, I am certainly down for the count and between not wanting to hurt people, people not knowing and my own stubborn refusal to look weak, there is not a single person on this wide earth who I can talk to with any depth about the topic at hand.

So I guess at the moment there are two real issues which challenge me, my lack of focus, and my focus on that boy.

I really need to work on exactly what I can do with each problem... I guess I was right to a certain extent, it really is me against the world isn't it...

Nothing has meaning until it changes what we think or who we are...
-Unknown

FallenPhoenix