How Low Can You Go

I guess it's just a matter of time. Tuesday the 1st of February is literally the end of an era for me. In two days time, I must give up everything I have known for the last nineteen years and move to a city I loathe and detest. This is gonna be painful.

In two days I am forced to move away from my good friends and family to a town where I know the total sum of one person, and where I can almost guaruntee myself the privalige of meeting exactly no more. I do not go out, I do not socialise in class and I make no effort to make myself seen, quite the opposite in fact. I have made a living out of making it look like I don't need social interaction to survive and even though I crave it so desperately on the inside, I will never reach out for it or accept it because that makes me look weaker than I am, and I will never allow that to happen.

I have just recieved a lecture from my grandmother because I do not accept peoples help for things. I told her today that she was asking too much from our family on this move. I already have an uncle and one of his sons giving thier time to ensure that we arrive safe and sound, with all my worldly possessions intact, but grandmother dearest wants to see me off as soon as possible, and that requires more help than just two spindly boys and a tired old farmer, so she called another of my uncle's from wagga to help out.

I don't ask for help, I hate asking for help and almost admantly refuse to do it. Example, yesterday I was just going home from my boys place and I had a bag full of heavy books and stuff, which weighs in at just over 60k's I checked today, and his mother offered me a lift, not knowing that I had the bag, just because it was hot. On those pretences I had to refuse. I knew I could walk in the heat and the bag was heavy, and strained my back and everything, but I knew I could do it without asking her to make a completely useless trip across half the town just for me. She owes me nothing, and it would be selfish and thoughtless of me to assume that she actually would have made the trip had I not been there, so in 40 degree heat I trudged across half the town, eventually having back spasms and other painful things, eventually reaching my house. The dust storm didn't help, but I got the biggest lecture from my grandmother when I returned home, not because I was walking in the duststorm and was getting my clothes dirty, but because I hadn't rung her to get a lift.

What are we teaching children these days. I remember that as a younger child it was good to be selfless and think of others before yourself, I was taught that if you could do something on your own with the resources that god (yes, old source I know) gave you, then you were doing something good for everyone. Now here I am being taught that it is good to be selfish and think of yourself and your wellbeing beyond the needs of others. This is really fucked up. I mean, I made the trip home with naught but a stiff back and I got in trouble for it... you know what... whatever.

In conclusion, I got a second, longer lecture for being unhappy. I was told that if I wasn't going to be happy in Wagga, why was I bothering to go. Does this not make sense to anyone else. Of course I am not going to be happy in Wagga, I hate Wagga with a fiery passionate vengeance and I have no qualms with admitting that to anyone who asks. I dislike my course, I hate the people invovled in it and I hate that I am going to have to rot for a further 3 years of my life in this cesspool of stinking crap. Unfortunately, in the long run it's going to be better for me than if I had spent the rest of my life just bumming around in Leeton. I learned a painful and valuable lesson a long time ago, you do not need to be happy to be successful. I am not happy, and I seriously doubt that I ever will be anyway. And you know... thats ok. I am completely ready to accept a life without happiness... ok... that might be going a bit far. I am ready to accept the fact that I may never be happy, but I might at some point be able to make other people happy, and thats what I live for. If I went through every day knowing that I was never going to be happy and that is all I had to look forward to, I probably would have shot myself a long time ago. But I have learned that success and happiness do not go hand in hand.

I am not happy, I doubt I ever will be happy and as long as I strive to make those around me happy, thats totally ok with me. My grandmother was almost in tears when I explained this to her, she "only wants me to be happy". I told her not to worry, I am not worried. I don't need happy, I don't want happy. I just want to spend the rest of my live trying as hard as I can to make the people around me happy.

I hope I can do this...

"It is the nail that stands out that is the first to be hammered
down"
-Japanese Saying

FallenPhoenix

Chaos reigns...

I used to be so adamant that I was a representative of chaos over law. I enjoyed change, I was creative and I was certainly anarchistic to a point but at this stage the thing I want most out of life right now is stability. I am about to move to Wagga on a much more permanent basis and I can't help but feel so very scared that the only stable part of my life is about to be ripped out from under me. My own space, my home, my friends and my family are all going to be an hour and a halfs drive away, which is an entire day away when you can't drive.

It doesn't make a difference to everyone else, living in thier stable little lives happy with the fact that they can see me when I come home. See, what they don't understand is how much I crave for the stability I'll be losing. I need these people. More speicifically I really need my own space. I might look tough on the outside but really things that would hurt most people seem to make me so very tired of people in general and I need a place to crash when it just gets too much and now I'll be sharing that space with someone. I can see this being a problem, I know I can keep my temper even if it kills me, but it's gonna make me very tired and I've experianced the downside of that before, I don't want to repeat it again.