It has only really just occured to me then that today is christmas day, a day which christians the world around celebrate to be the birth of the Lord Jesus, a man who revolutionised the world with a relgion he had no intention of starting. I've never discussed my relgious views on this site and I don't intend to, but I will say that I do not associate with any main stream religion. I am currently sitting here listening to Queen Elizibeth the Second and her annual christmas message. I am not a royalist, but I do respect this aged womans view and power, and her words are respectful and sensible. She talks of peace and people, relgion and war, and seems to me to take an attitude rather much like a concerned parent, much more so than the ruler of a country.
I must say that as I sit here and listen to this wonderful older womans views, she is really wiser than I have been lead to believe. Wow, Go Lizzie.
Anyways, back to the foundations of Christmas... it's a little dissapointing to see that Christmas has degenerated down to it's basest commercial elements, the pursuit and aquisition of presents and money. I would like to think that this all has something to do with making loved ones happy, but more and more, people tell thier relatives what to get them for christmas, to ensure that they get exactly what they wanted... it's just dissapointing... every aspect of my christmas was a surprise... I must admit I am usually not at all impressed with christmas, but I enoyed today (well all but the waking up)... I am kinda busy right now... I'll continue later...
Saturday, December 25, 2004
Friday, December 24, 2004
within my heart i know the truth but i can't let go
It's time I let go of everything to do with my boy and started to focus. I've been spending a lot of time with him recently and the young man I knew and what he is turning into seem to be two very different people. I am begginning to get the feeling that I did more harm than good with the relationship I have had up to this point and it is this sickening feeling which prompts me to sit back and allow fate to take it's course. No more meddling to try and get a relationship back on track.
It hurts me to think I hurt him. He hasn't said anything but I really think that he feels ashamed of everything we have achieved up to this point. This kills me, because thats not what I sensed when this all started back in 2001. I can't help but think that someone has said somethingto him to change the way he thinks or feels, but I would like to think he has more strength of character than that. We are still good friends, at least I hope we are, I am writing this on his omputer at 2AM... but he's not here...
I need to find the strength to let go... but this has been one of my only beacons of hope for the better part of two years. I need stronger support than what I am getting at this current point in time, and I am willing to bet that I am simply not going to get it. Does that mean that I am going to fall apart at the hings because my last hope at a dream relationship has just fallen to peices? Perhaps... I just don't know anymore. I am through with trying to propegate myself anymore. To hell with me. I'm a lost fucking cause. If fate wanted me to be happy, then it would not have dumped me with all the shit I am dealing with right now. I know this is illogical babble but I am so sik of the shit I have to put up with. I am failing university because my heart is at home. I am dead serious when I say that from this day forth, now more than ever, I live for others and others alone.
This is my vow and this is my song... live it... love it.
"When I look at you, my heart skips a beat. But later that beat could mean a lifetime of tears wasted on something I knew I could never have."
-Unknown
BrokenPhoenix
It hurts me to think I hurt him. He hasn't said anything but I really think that he feels ashamed of everything we have achieved up to this point. This kills me, because thats not what I sensed when this all started back in 2001. I can't help but think that someone has said somethingto him to change the way he thinks or feels, but I would like to think he has more strength of character than that. We are still good friends, at least I hope we are, I am writing this on his omputer at 2AM... but he's not here...
I need to find the strength to let go... but this has been one of my only beacons of hope for the better part of two years. I need stronger support than what I am getting at this current point in time, and I am willing to bet that I am simply not going to get it. Does that mean that I am going to fall apart at the hings because my last hope at a dream relationship has just fallen to peices? Perhaps... I just don't know anymore. I am through with trying to propegate myself anymore. To hell with me. I'm a lost fucking cause. If fate wanted me to be happy, then it would not have dumped me with all the shit I am dealing with right now. I know this is illogical babble but I am so sik of the shit I have to put up with. I am failing university because my heart is at home. I am dead serious when I say that from this day forth, now more than ever, I live for others and others alone.
This is my vow and this is my song... live it... love it.
"When I look at you, my heart skips a beat. But later that beat could mean a lifetime of tears wasted on something I knew I could never have."
-Unknown
BrokenPhoenix
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
hunTing fOr answers in a woRld of paiN
Today has not been the best of days... actually, today has been one of the longest, most stressful and hardest days in quite a while. For the first time in a long time I am so tired I can barely think, barely create, barely breathe. It's been a day where every force in the world is working against you to force you further and further into a hole.
I am working myself... the punches just keep on rolling... fuck I hate people who say they are going to commit to something and just fail to pull through at a time when you might actually need them. Ned just called to tell me that he isn't coming in this weekend, for the second weekend in a row... look... I am no neo-nazi... quite the opposite... but if you say your gonna be somewhere, you do it, or at least you come up with a better excuse than "I can't be there". Fuck... I am so sick of people who give me thier word only to expect to get out of it by saying, "oh sorry, I can't now"...
Anyway, as I was saying, I am working myself into a hole right now to get things all prepared for this workshop this weekend. It's a horrific drain on my already limited resources but I am putting in a lot of effort for these kids and it already seems to me like my enthusiasm is not being met equally... there is nothing I can do about that for sure, but at the very least, they could not have signed up for it at all, rather tahn leading me on with all this "yes, I am interested, yes I care" bullshit, before fucking me over AFTER all the work is already done... fucking hell..
Yes... bad mood... I'll get over it... always do... I'm gonna leave with another angry quote for the evening... I'll be back tommorow with more...
FallenPhoenix
I am working myself... the punches just keep on rolling... fuck I hate people who say they are going to commit to something and just fail to pull through at a time when you might actually need them. Ned just called to tell me that he isn't coming in this weekend, for the second weekend in a row... look... I am no neo-nazi... quite the opposite... but if you say your gonna be somewhere, you do it, or at least you come up with a better excuse than "I can't be there". Fuck... I am so sick of people who give me thier word only to expect to get out of it by saying, "oh sorry, I can't now"...
Anyway, as I was saying, I am working myself into a hole right now to get things all prepared for this workshop this weekend. It's a horrific drain on my already limited resources but I am putting in a lot of effort for these kids and it already seems to me like my enthusiasm is not being met equally... there is nothing I can do about that for sure, but at the very least, they could not have signed up for it at all, rather tahn leading me on with all this "yes, I am interested, yes I care" bullshit, before fucking me over AFTER all the work is already done... fucking hell..
Yes... bad mood... I'll get over it... always do... I'm gonna leave with another angry quote for the evening... I'll be back tommorow with more...
"You take everything I say with a grain of salt. Expecting every word I
say to be worth a pile of shit. Never believe a word I say, because I have a
cheerful disposition. Then why the fuck would I speak at all? I won't. Not to
have my heartfelt speech fall, not on deaf ears, but on ears that are closed to
me specifically. Who taught you this? Who taught you this? Fuck you
too!"
-Anonymous
FallenPhoenix
Thursday, December 09, 2004
Listen with your heart, Listen to your soul...
I'm sitting here, at roughly 3am on a Thursday morning, with no food, more importantly nothing to drink, feeling more empty than I have in a long time. I think I broke through a fairly important barrier this weekend. My boy is now either not interested or too scared to stay a night at my place. I think he's afraid of feeling what he feels when we are alone together and this alone has sort of been the final stake in the coffin.
I'm sitting listening to the newest Australian Idol, Casey Donovan. A sixteen year old girl singing straight from the soul and one whose newest song and choice of songs over this years competition have given me a lot of strength over the last couple of weeks. I normally dont condone or even like these competitions which usually fish for corporation crap as my boy calls them, but in this case I got addicted to this far from perfect young girls drive and spirit right from the first time I saw her and supported her ever since. I really love what she stands for, and her new song, "Listen with your heart" is something I think I really need to do.
I think that it's time for me to move on. I really love this boy, and when I went to Wangaratta, my dear Tam talked me through the scenario I was living with a precision I couldn't see from the inside. He doesn't love me. I knew this all along, but I've been deluding myself for a long time in the hopes that one day he would. I guess I am too emotional for him. A lot of my friends, and one in particular will have a hard time dealing with that last statement, but when I am with people that I can truly be me around, then I really do become more emotional and less of a hard ass than I put on... it's funny really, because the hard ass act can be such a tough one to hold up that I take the challenge as another reason to hold it in a time of weakness. I haven't cried in front of someone since I was 12 and I have no intention of ever doing it again. To me, something as intimate as crying is such a personal thing that it should be reserved for people that you share that most special of bonds with... and not a single other soul.
So, with heavy heart and many regrets I guess it's time to move on. Complications, no... hell... fuck my usual saying... problems... litter the path ahead of me. I really need to make a judgement call, do I wanna jump back on the chick bandwagon. I mean, my incident with Steph really threw me off that horse and I am almost sure I wanna stay away from that for a while... but if I wanna truly invest in the guy scene for a while, like set my heart to it, how far am I willing to invest? I mean, I've always hated the gay scene with a vengeance. No-one will roll thier eyes at the marti-gras more than me, no one will tutt thier tongues at "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" more than me. Stereotypical gays turn my stomach. I guess it's my own form of homophobia... which is both interesting and ironic. I mean, I have no intention of hassling them, or trying to hurt them in any way, but they make me uncomfortable yeah? So... what to do... I am not even close to ready to opening the door to the public as far as my preferences go... and if I can't put a label on myself, then I guess it's gonna be difficult to admit to anything anyway...
So basically, unless I wanna stay single for the next five to ten decades, I really have to start making some life changing decisons. The way I see it, I can go around the back of my friends and family for as long as I want, but thats not gonna make anyone happy. I don't wanna have to hide someone if I find them, and I don't like lying to people I trust...
Of course I am getting way ahead of myself... I need to find someone before I can start worrying about what to tell the rents. At this stage, for all I know, I'll find some young attractive lass, enjoy her company, ignore the fact that she is a woman and therefore totally impossible to navigate and marry her and have lots of little me's and her's running around... not very likely... but hell... at this stage, nor is any scenario which portrays me as ending my life happily...
At the moment, I've got no real goal and nothing to live for... but I got off the self-hurt bandwagon in the early naughties... so now, rather than ending my life because I have nothing to live for, I have to spend all of my life finding something to live for, which in turn gives me something worthwhile to live for... if that makes any sense.
I guess now my fate is up to me and my decision making skills. I have no real paths to follow as far as the relationship crisis goes. I mean, I have two guys in Wagga who are apparently chasing me down... Stuart and Jason... both bad-mouth each other, which gives me the distinct impression that they've done the rounds, which is already a major turn-off... I really felt like I clicked with Jason when we spent a couple of nights talking, but Tammy and I am sure all of my other friends have always told me to aim high, no matter how desperate you are, and if I stay constant to my regular standards, he wouldn't make the cut, not by a long shot. I mean, listen, I'm sure he's a lovely guy who would be rewarding to get to know, but he's only just 18 (yes I know, my boy wasn't even close), he is not at university, has no aspirations for a greater education and is therefore limited to some pretty menial stuff, he looks... ummm... well... not my type (I've only seen him at a distance, far call, but... well... you know when your gut tells you something...) and... yeh... it just doesn't seem to me like anything serious would work out. More importantly, I hear from the rest of the people in Wagga I talk to that he is a serious user of people... and that makes me wary more than anything else. I mean i'd disregard it if only one person mentioned it, but one person definately did not, it was more like about four... so yeah... I don't know where it would go...
So... with my boy almost solidly out of the equation, life must begin again. I really must listen with my heart, listen to my soul, inside I'll find my answer, the place I need to go...
FallenPhoenix
I'm sitting listening to the newest Australian Idol, Casey Donovan. A sixteen year old girl singing straight from the soul and one whose newest song and choice of songs over this years competition have given me a lot of strength over the last couple of weeks. I normally dont condone or even like these competitions which usually fish for corporation crap as my boy calls them, but in this case I got addicted to this far from perfect young girls drive and spirit right from the first time I saw her and supported her ever since. I really love what she stands for, and her new song, "Listen with your heart" is something I think I really need to do.
I think that it's time for me to move on. I really love this boy, and when I went to Wangaratta, my dear Tam talked me through the scenario I was living with a precision I couldn't see from the inside. He doesn't love me. I knew this all along, but I've been deluding myself for a long time in the hopes that one day he would. I guess I am too emotional for him. A lot of my friends, and one in particular will have a hard time dealing with that last statement, but when I am with people that I can truly be me around, then I really do become more emotional and less of a hard ass than I put on... it's funny really, because the hard ass act can be such a tough one to hold up that I take the challenge as another reason to hold it in a time of weakness. I haven't cried in front of someone since I was 12 and I have no intention of ever doing it again. To me, something as intimate as crying is such a personal thing that it should be reserved for people that you share that most special of bonds with... and not a single other soul.
So, with heavy heart and many regrets I guess it's time to move on. Complications, no... hell... fuck my usual saying... problems... litter the path ahead of me. I really need to make a judgement call, do I wanna jump back on the chick bandwagon. I mean, my incident with Steph really threw me off that horse and I am almost sure I wanna stay away from that for a while... but if I wanna truly invest in the guy scene for a while, like set my heart to it, how far am I willing to invest? I mean, I've always hated the gay scene with a vengeance. No-one will roll thier eyes at the marti-gras more than me, no one will tutt thier tongues at "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" more than me. Stereotypical gays turn my stomach. I guess it's my own form of homophobia... which is both interesting and ironic. I mean, I have no intention of hassling them, or trying to hurt them in any way, but they make me uncomfortable yeah? So... what to do... I am not even close to ready to opening the door to the public as far as my preferences go... and if I can't put a label on myself, then I guess it's gonna be difficult to admit to anything anyway...
So basically, unless I wanna stay single for the next five to ten decades, I really have to start making some life changing decisons. The way I see it, I can go around the back of my friends and family for as long as I want, but thats not gonna make anyone happy. I don't wanna have to hide someone if I find them, and I don't like lying to people I trust...
Of course I am getting way ahead of myself... I need to find someone before I can start worrying about what to tell the rents. At this stage, for all I know, I'll find some young attractive lass, enjoy her company, ignore the fact that she is a woman and therefore totally impossible to navigate and marry her and have lots of little me's and her's running around... not very likely... but hell... at this stage, nor is any scenario which portrays me as ending my life happily...
At the moment, I've got no real goal and nothing to live for... but I got off the self-hurt bandwagon in the early naughties... so now, rather than ending my life because I have nothing to live for, I have to spend all of my life finding something to live for, which in turn gives me something worthwhile to live for... if that makes any sense.
I guess now my fate is up to me and my decision making skills. I have no real paths to follow as far as the relationship crisis goes. I mean, I have two guys in Wagga who are apparently chasing me down... Stuart and Jason... both bad-mouth each other, which gives me the distinct impression that they've done the rounds, which is already a major turn-off... I really felt like I clicked with Jason when we spent a couple of nights talking, but Tammy and I am sure all of my other friends have always told me to aim high, no matter how desperate you are, and if I stay constant to my regular standards, he wouldn't make the cut, not by a long shot. I mean, listen, I'm sure he's a lovely guy who would be rewarding to get to know, but he's only just 18 (yes I know, my boy wasn't even close), he is not at university, has no aspirations for a greater education and is therefore limited to some pretty menial stuff, he looks... ummm... well... not my type (I've only seen him at a distance, far call, but... well... you know when your gut tells you something...) and... yeh... it just doesn't seem to me like anything serious would work out. More importantly, I hear from the rest of the people in Wagga I talk to that he is a serious user of people... and that makes me wary more than anything else. I mean i'd disregard it if only one person mentioned it, but one person definately did not, it was more like about four... so yeah... I don't know where it would go...
So... with my boy almost solidly out of the equation, life must begin again. I really must listen with my heart, listen to my soul, inside I'll find my answer, the place I need to go...
"Every time I look into your eyes I fall in love again, so I try to
avoid them"
-Anonymous
FallenPhoenix
Friday, December 03, 2004
watChing and waiting fOr my Love to sliDe my way...
I feel so cold and numb right now... I feel like I am the only person in this wide open world who cant openly express themsevles and it's starting to really eat at me. I mean, I heard that a group of my friends went away last weekend to a local race meet and picked up 3 really nice looking chicks... just like that...
I do not consider myself introverted, at least not after a little buttering up... so I guess that if I was entirely straight, I would be able to pick up with as much succeess as them, with supreme confidence. It's just that people like me still have this terrible social stigma around them, so much so that they are frowned upon in civilised society and made to look so much different from the others. Thats the purpose of putting people into categories with labels, you are making them different by definition. The only thing different about me is that I like guy's... I mean come on people, I am otherwise a normal functioning human being, a normal person with normal wants and needs... shit... looks like even I've invested in this differentiating crap as well. What exactly is "NORMAL"? The way I see it, normal is just a mould created to make the people who don't fit societies standards feel bad about themselves... FUCKING HELL.... if there is anything in this world that makes me mad, it is the fact that some people are just so fucking close minded... you dont see me shaking my fist at... say... Extreme Christians... I don't really like the group as a whole or what they represent, but I respect thier right to make thier own decisions in the world and if they don't respect my right to do the same then that is thier issue, not mine, I don't invest in that shit and honestly, I don't really think anyone should. I can't remember for the life of me who wrote the "Live and let live" saying, but to me it sounds like a pretty awesome mantra to set your watch by... something I entirely agree with.
Somewhere in this post, I should prolly apologise to myself for waiting such a long time to write another post. I've been missing the net terribly, but due to money problems nearly got it severed very recently... screw that... this little baby is my lifeline and something I hold very dear...
My life at the moment... hmmm... I need to get me a guy... desperately... my boy... the one I am chasing at the moment, is sorta avoiding me at the moment, and honestly, thats fine, I know when I'm being used and all that does is make me feel like shit, so for now, he's off limits. And after Steph, I am over chicks for the moment, so I want to be finding me a guy... so where to look... there is this Jas fella from Wagga... but despite the fact that we sound a perfect match, I am way too wary to engage in anything that would jepordise my life at university. I am not even close to ready to become a member of a community I myself find a little overbearing... and here is the direct problem cropping up again.
See I had this ephiphany about two months ago where I worked out that I was fragmented and that to make myself more happy I needed to stop acting to what everyone wanted from me and become someone that I was actually proud of and liked, and the way that ended up was with me being exactly the same because of one simple thing... I am totally scared to be myself. I've pulled up these wrought iron walls around myself to protect me from other people and although I occasionally lower a part of them when I let my friends see a portion of the real me, they have grown too strong and not even I can pull them down now... it would take a really special person now to tear down the walls around me... it would take a lot of love and a lot of time, two things I dont believe that I deserve...
And so we go back to phase one... working out how to deal with the fact that I am in a rut because I cannot move forward because I refuse to fix the problems my own psychoanalysis has picked up... wow... such progress... still, I believe that even just writing that down is a step in the right direction... now all I need is for someone to help me sop making three or four steps in the wrong direction...
Of course that in itself is a problem, I mean, I refuse to ask for help, it's not in my nature to put people out like that. I mean, I just went to Wangaratta to see Tam the other day and in one night, she helped put the whole "crush on a boy who will never be able to love you thing" into perspective... She did it with an amazing sense of gentleness and care that I am currently unable to fathom, I mean that girl really is special, and I don't deserve her, not in the least.
I know who I need to ask for help... and I know I can't ask them... which leaves me in a little bit of a press...
I do not consider myself introverted, at least not after a little buttering up... so I guess that if I was entirely straight, I would be able to pick up with as much succeess as them, with supreme confidence. It's just that people like me still have this terrible social stigma around them, so much so that they are frowned upon in civilised society and made to look so much different from the others. Thats the purpose of putting people into categories with labels, you are making them different by definition. The only thing different about me is that I like guy's... I mean come on people, I am otherwise a normal functioning human being, a normal person with normal wants and needs... shit... looks like even I've invested in this differentiating crap as well. What exactly is "NORMAL"? The way I see it, normal is just a mould created to make the people who don't fit societies standards feel bad about themselves... FUCKING HELL.... if there is anything in this world that makes me mad, it is the fact that some people are just so fucking close minded... you dont see me shaking my fist at... say... Extreme Christians... I don't really like the group as a whole or what they represent, but I respect thier right to make thier own decisions in the world and if they don't respect my right to do the same then that is thier issue, not mine, I don't invest in that shit and honestly, I don't really think anyone should. I can't remember for the life of me who wrote the "Live and let live" saying, but to me it sounds like a pretty awesome mantra to set your watch by... something I entirely agree with.
Somewhere in this post, I should prolly apologise to myself for waiting such a long time to write another post. I've been missing the net terribly, but due to money problems nearly got it severed very recently... screw that... this little baby is my lifeline and something I hold very dear...
My life at the moment... hmmm... I need to get me a guy... desperately... my boy... the one I am chasing at the moment, is sorta avoiding me at the moment, and honestly, thats fine, I know when I'm being used and all that does is make me feel like shit, so for now, he's off limits. And after Steph, I am over chicks for the moment, so I want to be finding me a guy... so where to look... there is this Jas fella from Wagga... but despite the fact that we sound a perfect match, I am way too wary to engage in anything that would jepordise my life at university. I am not even close to ready to become a member of a community I myself find a little overbearing... and here is the direct problem cropping up again.
See I had this ephiphany about two months ago where I worked out that I was fragmented and that to make myself more happy I needed to stop acting to what everyone wanted from me and become someone that I was actually proud of and liked, and the way that ended up was with me being exactly the same because of one simple thing... I am totally scared to be myself. I've pulled up these wrought iron walls around myself to protect me from other people and although I occasionally lower a part of them when I let my friends see a portion of the real me, they have grown too strong and not even I can pull them down now... it would take a really special person now to tear down the walls around me... it would take a lot of love and a lot of time, two things I dont believe that I deserve...
And so we go back to phase one... working out how to deal with the fact that I am in a rut because I cannot move forward because I refuse to fix the problems my own psychoanalysis has picked up... wow... such progress... still, I believe that even just writing that down is a step in the right direction... now all I need is for someone to help me sop making three or four steps in the wrong direction...
Of course that in itself is a problem, I mean, I refuse to ask for help, it's not in my nature to put people out like that. I mean, I just went to Wangaratta to see Tam the other day and in one night, she helped put the whole "crush on a boy who will never be able to love you thing" into perspective... She did it with an amazing sense of gentleness and care that I am currently unable to fathom, I mean that girl really is special, and I don't deserve her, not in the least.
I know who I need to ask for help... and I know I can't ask them... which leaves me in a little bit of a press...
"If the only way we can be together is in my dreams, then I will sleep
forever."
-Anonymous
FallenPhoenix
Saturday, November 13, 2004
cLOaked in Shadow, needing To escape.
I can't shake this feeling that my life is sitting in one gigantic rutt. At the moment, there doesn't seem to be any forward motion to my life. I don't feel like my mockery of a relationship is travelling anywhere, my education isn't going anywhere until next year and each one of my friendships bar one is stalling to the point of dying.
I'm not sure how I managed to get myself into such a fucked up predicament, but I know that the way my is stagnating I need to do something fairly soon. At first, I figured that I could just deal with this the same way I dealt with everyone elses problems, but that very quickly crashed and burned when I realised that no-one I know has ever experianced this problem before. The way I deal with an issue is I relate it to a personal experiance and try and talk the person through it the way that I went or the way that I should have went, and the problem usually kinda disolves from there.
My issue is that without personal experiance, I usually just leave my solution to intuion and a little luck, helping the person as I would see myself going about a problem. Unfortunately, these things, the intuion and the luck are a little useless now, because if I had either to do with this situation, I wouldn't be in the goddamn situation.
This is getting me nowhere, the way that I see it I am just going to have to let this problem kinda unwind and if I end up unhappy and alone, then thats fate. I can feel someone's eyes rolling at the moment due to me being a cosmic hypocrite, but the way I see it, I give such good advice to other people, I am allowed to be completely fucking hopeless when it comes to taking my own advice.
I just worked out that I am completely fucking screwed. I can't take my own advice because it simply doesn't work that way, and I cant ask other people for advice because I think it makes me look weak, so I am left to stumble through my life with no guidance and not a fucking hope or clue in this wide world until I either get lucky and find the person of my dreams or die a horrible lonely death with not a single person in my life who cares about me in any way. How bleak...
I am not actively trying to seek out someone to share my life with, and thus I am not actively seeking to fulfill my lifelong goal, and the only reason that I am not actively seeking someone is actually two things...
First of all, I am entertaining some ludicrous notion that my boy will just turn around and actually fully commit himself to me, which is pure and utter wishful shit. It ain't gonna happen, it ain't ever gonna happen, hell will freeze over and little purple monkeys will take Takada Mishinoku by storm before it happens... but some slim, tiny little inadequate glimmer of hope keeps me just that one step away from moving on. I want a serious relationship more than anything in the world, be it with this boy or any other worthy person... but he is here right now and right now he is my closest hope.
The second and more prevalent issue lies with the fact that I am so scared to invest my true self to anyone who I dont know that I end up creating this mega-umpty character who is so sadly loserish, that I just can't seem to get anything right. I need to be so different, I don't drink, I don't like social gatherings and I dislike most things the popular world finds interesting... I swear to the god's and goddesses I am doomed... I really am.
I think I really am "cLOaked in Shadow, needing To escape".
ShadedPhoenix
I'm not sure how I managed to get myself into such a fucked up predicament, but I know that the way my is stagnating I need to do something fairly soon. At first, I figured that I could just deal with this the same way I dealt with everyone elses problems, but that very quickly crashed and burned when I realised that no-one I know has ever experianced this problem before. The way I deal with an issue is I relate it to a personal experiance and try and talk the person through it the way that I went or the way that I should have went, and the problem usually kinda disolves from there.
My issue is that without personal experiance, I usually just leave my solution to intuion and a little luck, helping the person as I would see myself going about a problem. Unfortunately, these things, the intuion and the luck are a little useless now, because if I had either to do with this situation, I wouldn't be in the goddamn situation.
This is getting me nowhere, the way that I see it I am just going to have to let this problem kinda unwind and if I end up unhappy and alone, then thats fate. I can feel someone's eyes rolling at the moment due to me being a cosmic hypocrite, but the way I see it, I give such good advice to other people, I am allowed to be completely fucking hopeless when it comes to taking my own advice.
I just worked out that I am completely fucking screwed. I can't take my own advice because it simply doesn't work that way, and I cant ask other people for advice because I think it makes me look weak, so I am left to stumble through my life with no guidance and not a fucking hope or clue in this wide world until I either get lucky and find the person of my dreams or die a horrible lonely death with not a single person in my life who cares about me in any way. How bleak...
I am not actively trying to seek out someone to share my life with, and thus I am not actively seeking to fulfill my lifelong goal, and the only reason that I am not actively seeking someone is actually two things...
First of all, I am entertaining some ludicrous notion that my boy will just turn around and actually fully commit himself to me, which is pure and utter wishful shit. It ain't gonna happen, it ain't ever gonna happen, hell will freeze over and little purple monkeys will take Takada Mishinoku by storm before it happens... but some slim, tiny little inadequate glimmer of hope keeps me just that one step away from moving on. I want a serious relationship more than anything in the world, be it with this boy or any other worthy person... but he is here right now and right now he is my closest hope.
The second and more prevalent issue lies with the fact that I am so scared to invest my true self to anyone who I dont know that I end up creating this mega-umpty character who is so sadly loserish, that I just can't seem to get anything right. I need to be so different, I don't drink, I don't like social gatherings and I dislike most things the popular world finds interesting... I swear to the god's and goddesses I am doomed... I really am.
I think I really am "cLOaked in Shadow, needing To escape".
"If I am the same, you critisize me. If I am different, you judge me. If I
walk the line in between I am accused of being cynical. How about this? You
stand in a room full of 100 people that share my point of view, and we'll see
how righteous you are when the odds are in my favour."
-Anonymous
ShadedPhoenix
Friday, November 05, 2004
Where there's a will...
Well, I should have written in this a little earlier, but I guess I didn't. It's been pretty turbid since my last post. Ned came over yesterday at 3pm and I was still very much in bed after a late night. I was so tired that I slept through my alarm and decided that hockey was not the best idea in the world. It's been raining here for the better part of 8 hours, which is fantastic and even in the rain, Ned still went and got us pizza with his own money and what little he could find in my wallet. So sweet. He got here at 8pm and I was still sorta dozing. I asked him to keep the lights off so that I could adjust or something, as it was still kinda twilighty. Of course he completely ignored my request and blared light in face. How nice.
I called him an asshole jokingly as I hauled ass out of bed and he said somewhat seriously that he was just getting revenge. I asked what he meant and he said that I could be an asshole too sometimes, way more seriously than I had originally pitched the conversation. I replied that I tried hard not to be and he said sometimes that it wasn't enough. Of course you dont let stuff like this show but that really hurt me. I always try so hard not to annoy people. Seriously, over half of my life is spent making other peoples lives easier in some way. I generally disregard my own problems and just deal with my friends issues, it's so much more rewarding to know that I am helping them along thier life path.
Ned shut me out a long time ago, it was actually not long after he found out I was inclined towards the male end of the spectrum. He's been distant ever since. Even so, he isn't the most open of people and doesn't like talking about the deeper issues. I don't really have an issue with this at all, but sometimes I feel like he's deliberately put distance between us because of my inclination. I mean, I could be a little more subtle with the way I am with him, but what he doesn't understand that most of my life is so far in the closet that the only time I can truly be my cheeky flirtatious self is when I am around people who know, and I am like that with most everyone. I thought he was above the homophobic predisposition, but if he's not and I am forced back into my mundane boring existance in his presence, then I guess that proves a lot about our friendship.
Right here and right now, I don't want a relationship with Ned, I did once, but now, even if the opportunity presented itself, I'd have trouble dealing with it. Don't get me wrong, he's a nice kid, and I am not exactly being picky choosy when it comes to mates right now, but in all seriousness I can't see him being good boyfriend material. See, as awful as it sounds, but I would rather have meaningless sex with him than get into a relationship... a relationship would ruin things between us, I think, and whether or not he values our friendship as much as I do, I would be shattered to lose him as a friend, even if it was for more.
Of course, Ned is perfectly straight, so I don't know why I am having this conversation with myself. That hasn't stopped him on a few occassions mind...
The other issue which presented itself tonight was sort of a mood I've been in recently. This time of the year, leading up to my birthday, is usually the time of year I start thinking about how alone I am after yet another year without companionship. This year, it's got me thinking that I have gotten through the year with very little friends support either. This is due to two things. I have gotten further and further distanced from Tammy and Ned, for numerous reasons. Distance is one and relationships are another. I dont want to intrude.
Secondly, I am too stubborn to admit I need my friends help. I have Chris from Albury pestering me daily, checking my emotional well-being and the like, and I always say "Yes Chris, I'm doing fine, no problems to speak of". I hate lying to people I love but there isn't anything I feel they can do for me bar sit and listen. I appreciate the concern, I really do, but in cases like mine, the only person who can bring about a positive change is myself.
I think that my total lack of any hope of finding someone is due to a socialising problem. I don't socialise, and I do this not out of some sort of social ineptitude, I like going out and I don't dislike people persay... but I do absolutely abhor drunkeness of any kind. My friends, or the ones I am likely to socialise with at least, are sadly critical of this, and despite my best bluffing efforts to get them off my back, I cannot seem to find a story thats far enough from the truth to be in my comfort zone, but contains enough shocking detail to keep them satisfied.
Let it be known here that only one other person on this planet besides myself and the psychiatrist who performed the hynotherapy on me know this information. I was sexually abused as a child, by one of the drunken boyfriends of my mother. To the best of my knowledge she knew about this and did nothing. As far as psychological effects go, the shrink said that I was both extremely resilient and extremely lucky. My mind made sort of a mental barrier which blocked the memories from my concious mind and my sub-concious mind manifested the memories through a distaste for alcohol and a distrust and wariness around drunks. I am also very dissapointed when my friends succumb to the grasp of modern pop-culture and go out and get smashed. Not only is it not healthy, it promotes horrible and illegal behaviour. Passing that, think of the poor people that are around you when your not drunk and what they have to go through... it just plain fucking sucks. GOD DAMN IT!!! I still can't hate my mum.... yet another issue I have to tackle... how the hell do I feel about her... Kathryn Ann Sullivan.
Another issue for another time I guess. I am heading to Wagga this morning and I have to clean this place up or I am not allowed to go to Sydney on the weekend. I have absolutely no idea how Grandmother dearest intends to sever my ability to travel across the state, but a threat is a threat and I should more or less do as I'm told. Respect the elders and all that... I'd want my wishes fulfilled if I ever made it to that age as well. They've been around so much longer than we have, and have a tangible wisdom that most modern kids don't get to see. Pity for them.
I'll leave today's post with a quote I love... until next time...
I called him an asshole jokingly as I hauled ass out of bed and he said somewhat seriously that he was just getting revenge. I asked what he meant and he said that I could be an asshole too sometimes, way more seriously than I had originally pitched the conversation. I replied that I tried hard not to be and he said sometimes that it wasn't enough. Of course you dont let stuff like this show but that really hurt me. I always try so hard not to annoy people. Seriously, over half of my life is spent making other peoples lives easier in some way. I generally disregard my own problems and just deal with my friends issues, it's so much more rewarding to know that I am helping them along thier life path.
Ned shut me out a long time ago, it was actually not long after he found out I was inclined towards the male end of the spectrum. He's been distant ever since. Even so, he isn't the most open of people and doesn't like talking about the deeper issues. I don't really have an issue with this at all, but sometimes I feel like he's deliberately put distance between us because of my inclination. I mean, I could be a little more subtle with the way I am with him, but what he doesn't understand that most of my life is so far in the closet that the only time I can truly be my cheeky flirtatious self is when I am around people who know, and I am like that with most everyone. I thought he was above the homophobic predisposition, but if he's not and I am forced back into my mundane boring existance in his presence, then I guess that proves a lot about our friendship.
Right here and right now, I don't want a relationship with Ned, I did once, but now, even if the opportunity presented itself, I'd have trouble dealing with it. Don't get me wrong, he's a nice kid, and I am not exactly being picky choosy when it comes to mates right now, but in all seriousness I can't see him being good boyfriend material. See, as awful as it sounds, but I would rather have meaningless sex with him than get into a relationship... a relationship would ruin things between us, I think, and whether or not he values our friendship as much as I do, I would be shattered to lose him as a friend, even if it was for more.
Of course, Ned is perfectly straight, so I don't know why I am having this conversation with myself. That hasn't stopped him on a few occassions mind...
The other issue which presented itself tonight was sort of a mood I've been in recently. This time of the year, leading up to my birthday, is usually the time of year I start thinking about how alone I am after yet another year without companionship. This year, it's got me thinking that I have gotten through the year with very little friends support either. This is due to two things. I have gotten further and further distanced from Tammy and Ned, for numerous reasons. Distance is one and relationships are another. I dont want to intrude.
Secondly, I am too stubborn to admit I need my friends help. I have Chris from Albury pestering me daily, checking my emotional well-being and the like, and I always say "Yes Chris, I'm doing fine, no problems to speak of". I hate lying to people I love but there isn't anything I feel they can do for me bar sit and listen. I appreciate the concern, I really do, but in cases like mine, the only person who can bring about a positive change is myself.
I think that my total lack of any hope of finding someone is due to a socialising problem. I don't socialise, and I do this not out of some sort of social ineptitude, I like going out and I don't dislike people persay... but I do absolutely abhor drunkeness of any kind. My friends, or the ones I am likely to socialise with at least, are sadly critical of this, and despite my best bluffing efforts to get them off my back, I cannot seem to find a story thats far enough from the truth to be in my comfort zone, but contains enough shocking detail to keep them satisfied.
Let it be known here that only one other person on this planet besides myself and the psychiatrist who performed the hynotherapy on me know this information. I was sexually abused as a child, by one of the drunken boyfriends of my mother. To the best of my knowledge she knew about this and did nothing. As far as psychological effects go, the shrink said that I was both extremely resilient and extremely lucky. My mind made sort of a mental barrier which blocked the memories from my concious mind and my sub-concious mind manifested the memories through a distaste for alcohol and a distrust and wariness around drunks. I am also very dissapointed when my friends succumb to the grasp of modern pop-culture and go out and get smashed. Not only is it not healthy, it promotes horrible and illegal behaviour. Passing that, think of the poor people that are around you when your not drunk and what they have to go through... it just plain fucking sucks. GOD DAMN IT!!! I still can't hate my mum.... yet another issue I have to tackle... how the hell do I feel about her... Kathryn Ann Sullivan.
Another issue for another time I guess. I am heading to Wagga this morning and I have to clean this place up or I am not allowed to go to Sydney on the weekend. I have absolutely no idea how Grandmother dearest intends to sever my ability to travel across the state, but a threat is a threat and I should more or less do as I'm told. Respect the elders and all that... I'd want my wishes fulfilled if I ever made it to that age as well. They've been around so much longer than we have, and have a tangible wisdom that most modern kids don't get to see. Pity for them.
I'll leave today's post with a quote I love... until next time...
"I don't want to talk to you anymore, I am afraid of what I might say. I
bite my tongue every time you come around. There's blood in my mouth. Beats
blood on the ground."
- IncubusSilentPhoenix
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Bored Phoenix
Well, I'm sitting in front my computer again, drinking a Coke that my boy bought me... . Just so ya'll know, I love coke, like I really love it. I am addicted to the stuff.
Well, he was here today. Actually he woke me up at 3:45pm this afternoon. I love waking up to him, I really do, and he does it with such a playful sort of innocence which is so sweet. Innocent but very guy like, as in he still throws stuff at me, which is perfectly ok from him.
In other news, I have to go back to University on Friday now, and Ned is coming over tommorow for the weekly hockey meets that I used to play in, of course thats completely impossible now due to the situation with my knees.
I don't know that much else happened today, all I do know is that I would do anything for my boy... *sigh* All this pining is so unlike me, I wish I had a little more self-control and the ironic thing is that I usually do. I am more or less reserved with my feelings, it's very unusual when I actually let my feelings out into the outside world. There are very few people who I trust that much. No-one has ever, and will ever see me cry for an emotional reason, and I don't think anyone has seen me cry out in pain either. I mean I broke my jaw last year and Jarrod and Jess heard me cry out, but thats it.
Wow, I'm a total emotion nazi... how interesting. I don't like to show emotion because I think it weakens me. I don't want people worrying about me anyway, thats my job. If all I ever get out of my time on this planet is making the lives of other people easier, then I'll have acheived my goal.
The only other thing I want from this life is to experiance mutual love... and that goal is slipping further and further away...
Well, he was here today. Actually he woke me up at 3:45pm this afternoon. I love waking up to him, I really do, and he does it with such a playful sort of innocence which is so sweet. Innocent but very guy like, as in he still throws stuff at me, which is perfectly ok from him.
In other news, I have to go back to University on Friday now, and Ned is coming over tommorow for the weekly hockey meets that I used to play in, of course thats completely impossible now due to the situation with my knees.
I don't know that much else happened today, all I do know is that I would do anything for my boy... *sigh* All this pining is so unlike me, I wish I had a little more self-control and the ironic thing is that I usually do. I am more or less reserved with my feelings, it's very unusual when I actually let my feelings out into the outside world. There are very few people who I trust that much. No-one has ever, and will ever see me cry for an emotional reason, and I don't think anyone has seen me cry out in pain either. I mean I broke my jaw last year and Jarrod and Jess heard me cry out, but thats it.
Wow, I'm a total emotion nazi... how interesting. I don't like to show emotion because I think it weakens me. I don't want people worrying about me anyway, thats my job. If all I ever get out of my time on this planet is making the lives of other people easier, then I'll have acheived my goal.
The only other thing I want from this life is to experiance mutual love... and that goal is slipping further and further away...
"I've learned that goodbyes will always hurt, pictures never replace having
been there, memories good or bad will always bring tears, and words can never
replace feelings."
-UnknownFallenPhoenix
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Stormy Phoenix
Wow, a storm is really kicking today. It's late afternoon and it's really getting wild out there. I love storms, just thought I'd say that now. I just love them, it's my favourite type of weather. Not sure why, it just charges me.
In any case, I've spent most of the day alone today. As denoted by my previous two posts, I was up all night and seeing as the only reason that I am home right now is because I was going to see an orthopaedic surgeon today about knee problems, I should probably address that. As far as the Dr. is concerned, my knees are quite fine, and although he would like some further scans done (an M.R.I) to make sure of it, he suggests I just go a little more easy on them. I am involved in a few sports which make my knees a litte more worn than most people my age, so I guess this is good advice.
I just walked into my spare bedroom where my friend in question slept two days ago... I just went in there to savour the feel of the room. I think this is obsession, or something along those lines, reaching out for something you can't have and wanting it more than anything in the world. I guess I just have to grit and bear it.
Unless I have some sort of profound epiphany tonight, this will be the last post I make until probably Sunday night, because I am heading up to Sydney in a random matyr act... Jarrod, who I am not on the best of terms with at the current time, wants some company when he makes the long drive home on Sunday so I'll be taking the train up there, which costs money, and then spending a few days up there, which costs more money, then driving back with him on Sunday, which will inevitably cost me money, before returning to University by bus the following morning, for an added expense. I have dick all cash right now, having just splurged a rather large amount of my fortnightly budget on a present for a friend, and now I am almost utterly broke. To add to this dilemma, I have an overdue phone-bill which needs paying. I love my phone, but it's hell expensive at times. One of my mates owes me a bit of money, but I doubt I'll see much of it until I threaten to break his legs.
And so, with a sigh, life goes on for another day. I am sleepy as all hell, but more importantly I am hungry, and although my grandmother asked rather pointedly whether I was still famished when we got back from the doctors, I doubt that food is going to just randomly appear at my feet. I kinda wish it would.
Being alone sucks, it really does.
Stormy Phoenix
In any case, I've spent most of the day alone today. As denoted by my previous two posts, I was up all night and seeing as the only reason that I am home right now is because I was going to see an orthopaedic surgeon today about knee problems, I should probably address that. As far as the Dr. is concerned, my knees are quite fine, and although he would like some further scans done (an M.R.I) to make sure of it, he suggests I just go a little more easy on them. I am involved in a few sports which make my knees a litte more worn than most people my age, so I guess this is good advice.
I just walked into my spare bedroom where my friend in question slept two days ago... I just went in there to savour the feel of the room. I think this is obsession, or something along those lines, reaching out for something you can't have and wanting it more than anything in the world. I guess I just have to grit and bear it.
Unless I have some sort of profound epiphany tonight, this will be the last post I make until probably Sunday night, because I am heading up to Sydney in a random matyr act... Jarrod, who I am not on the best of terms with at the current time, wants some company when he makes the long drive home on Sunday so I'll be taking the train up there, which costs money, and then spending a few days up there, which costs more money, then driving back with him on Sunday, which will inevitably cost me money, before returning to University by bus the following morning, for an added expense. I have dick all cash right now, having just splurged a rather large amount of my fortnightly budget on a present for a friend, and now I am almost utterly broke. To add to this dilemma, I have an overdue phone-bill which needs paying. I love my phone, but it's hell expensive at times. One of my mates owes me a bit of money, but I doubt I'll see much of it until I threaten to break his legs.
And so, with a sigh, life goes on for another day. I am sleepy as all hell, but more importantly I am hungry, and although my grandmother asked rather pointedly whether I was still famished when we got back from the doctors, I doubt that food is going to just randomly appear at my feet. I kinda wish it would.
Being alone sucks, it really does.
"Dont cry over someone who wont cry over you"
-Anonymous
Stormy Phoenix
About the Phoenix
Ok, I did a little digging and managed to find my old Blog. I used to do an acting course at university and dropped out because the people hated me. I am a coward when it comes to actually confronting people with issues to do with me.
Regardless, there is a really interesting post in it, which is basically a personality test, it's a really great "Map to Steve" here it is.
---
Who am I? Steven
Where am I? Sitting in my room at Charles Sturt University, Wagga Wagga, New South Wales, Australia.
What am I doing? Filling out a character bio for my blog on ehmanpenn.com
What is my name? Steven Wayne James (last name omitted for privacy reasons)
How old am I? Nineteen Years and Eleven Months
Where was I born? Canterbury Hospital, Sydney, Australia
Where do I live? Between University in Wagga and my home in Leeton, N.S.W
What are my social, financial and political circumstances and beliefs?
Social : I feel that it is important for everyone to interact socially. I feel that while a enriching and unique social life is important it is not the be all and end of all life. I feel that there are many more important things. With that said, I rely on my friends with insane frequency. I love being around the few people I call my friends and couldn't live without them.
Financial: Ahem... Well, I am very, very, very, free with my money. I believe money is there to use and that it is nowhere near as important as the other aspects of life. I really dislike people who are too wrapped up in money, definitely at my age. Monetarily, I am always broke. I make enough money to survive (albeit barely) but I spend way too much most of the time as well... *sigh*
Political: Meh! I really don't have any political standpoint. It really doesn't worry me. I know it's bad but I consider voting in an election a necessary evil.
If I were an animal, what would I be? Probably a dog, I love a dog's life.
If I were an element (earth, air, fire, water) what would I be? Fire. I am deeply spiritual, and my astrological element is fire. I believe that I am a prime example of this element, with the power to create or destroy but not the control to choose.
What are my physical characteristics? I am tall but surprisingly agile for my height. I have massive legs (from many years spent on an Olympic trampoline) and a underbuilt upper body. As such I am not exactly proportioned and I am way too lazy to get off my butt and do anything about it. I am not fat but I sure as hell aint skinny. I feel that I am maintaining an optimal weight at the present time.
What are my likes and dislikes?
Likes: Fire, fantasy, Food, performing arts, music, warmth, strength of character, soul-jarring conversations with someone you really trust.
Dislikes: Being pushed around, close-minded people, winter, being hungry, shallowness, deceit.
What opinion do you hold dear? I am my own person and there aint no-one on this earth that has the power to change who I am but myself. I will be who I am forever and that's a fact.
What do I do to achieve this? I often speak my mind at inappropriate times and am a free spirit with the majority of my actions. I take constructive criticism about myself but will not follow a crowd or fashion if I don't like it, regardless of the social and ethical costs.
What do I do each day? I get up and I go to uni (when I have class). I generally wake up tired because I always go to bed way too late. I never have enough money for any meal other than breakfast so I always go to breakfast and that's usually my only meal for the day. After class, I'll come home, do some writing and generally get some sleep, I find I sleep a lot nowadays...
What are my hobbies? Hmmm, I always did like computer games but during uni time I am either doing university work or sleeping. It's sad really but there usually isn't time for anything else.
What am I wearing? Why? Ok, at the moment, I am wearing a red t-shirt with a Nike symbol on it and blue trackpants, somewhat of an atypical selection for summer, and now that I think about it, it's really quite hot in here. I am wearing the red because it's still my favourite colour, even though my more fashion conscious friends have been trying to beat it out of me and the trackpants was because it's the only dark thing I have in my current wardrobe that wasn't up in the house.
What is in my pockets? Why? At the moment, nothing, but usually I have my wallet, my mobile phone and a set of keys which alternate depending on my location. The wallet is there because it is a force of habit to take it with me everywhere I go in case I need money or I.D. I've currently got $20 Australian in it. My mobile phone is my lifeline to friends. I have it with me all the time. It is always on and I can always be reached, no matter where I am. This is in case of any emergency that people are going through. I want to be able to know straight away. The keys are either a single key with a red tag when I am at uni, or my set of 4 silver keys on a dog-chain when I am home. At the moment... My home set is currently in my uni room... How annoying.
What are two extreme points of my personality? I have a tendency to be very open about my secrets. There are very few things about me... None that I can think of off the top of my head... That absolutely no-one knows. On the other hand, I will often lie about questions that target me in a fear of being in the spotlight for too long. I like it when people cannot see the real me... It makes me feel more safe.
What is my life objective? To lead a happy, fulfilling and prosperous life with someone who cares about me and whom I care about.
What is my status/relationship to other people? Depending on the person, I feel that I get along well with almost all different types of people. With this said, I can be somewhat prejudiced against those who belong to a group of people I dislike, an example being your general "footy fat-head" (my personal term for self-absorbed jocks). I cannot see past a person who belongs to that group and get to know the real them because I believe we are on polar opposites and are incompatible as friends or even acquaintances. As much as I would love to be proven wrong, I never have been...
What are the three most important events that have occurred in my life? To me the most important thing that ever happened to me was the disintergration of a group of friends who I had been friends with all through junior high. I got kicked out of the group because someone suspected I was gay (ironically I was) and it was through this break down of my friendship group that I was able to fully experience life alone through school. It taught me a lot of things and I finally settled down into a new group of friends who actually respected me for who I was (not that they knew any of the rumours were true yet) and in this group were both Ned and Tam. They are still my closest friends.
The second most important event to happen in my life was slightly before the first, in the meeting of Jarrod. Jarrod was a member of the aforementioned friendship group but he and I had been friends since primary school and he gave me a lot more benefit of the doubt. He and I still remained friends after the whole incident and to this day we still hang out. He is 100% straight (which I cannot deny being disappointed about) and although he is just coming out of a messy relationship with Jess, my closest cousin and someone I treat as my little sister, he and I remain close.
The third and final most important thing that has happened to my life was getting the internet. It has educated me beyond measure and has allowed me to meet some truly unique and inspiring people. I will mention a few names, purely because I feel that certain people have touched me beyond that that even my real life friends have. First and most importantly, Mark. A friend of mine from the states that I couldn't have gotten through some of the toughest moments of my life without. We have been friends for the better part of three years now and he is like an older brother to me. I'll love him forever and he knows it. Sherena, a nice young girl from Canada whom I met through one of the various websites I signed up for. She is a legend in her own right and like all of us she has many little issues floating around in her head. Sherena helped me to no end when I was first here at university because she gave me some crucial advice when I needed it most. And finally Maxx, Sherena's boyfriend. He and I have been at odds a few times recently but he is a real champion, a nice guy and again, has many issues. I have to say that of all the people listed here I feel the most connection to him because of several similar instances we have encountered.
The most beautiful part of my body is... my face. I am not saying I am incredibly good looking, or even at all good looking, shit in my eyes I aint, but my face is my tool for explaining things to other people. I convey my feelings, my issues and my life through my face and I feel that it is the most beautiful part of me because if it.
Happiness to me is... the freedom to do what you think is right free of societies or even other peoples beliefs.
The thing I most want to do before I die is... say that I have loved someone and that they have returned it. It might be a small thing but in my books, that's real and important to me.
The most embarrassed I ever was... was probably when I was very little. I don't get embarrassed easily, because I've been acting all my life and due to my perpetual cynicism, I am one tough cookie. Talk about your 30ft stone walls.
The ugliest part of my body is... Probably my hair. While it looks ok at the moment and I am looking after it far more than I used to, it is still artificially straightened, black and strawlike... How annoying...
The thing I like best about myself... is my ability to rise to my feet regardless of the crisis at hand. There has not been a single situation in my life where I have not known exactly what to do. Granted sometimes took longer than others but I have moved though everything as I got it, without stopping. I feel that's a real life skill and something a lot of people need to develop. (not to say there aren't a billion different things I have to develop). This is the main reason for my handle: Phoenix.
Pain to me is... the unbearable loneliness that creeps into your soul at 3am some idle Tuesday morning and regardless of how hard you try to shake it claws away at your very being until there is nothing left but a desicated husk void of all emotion and spirit.
My mother/grandmother/female caretaker or w/e... Taught me... the true meaning of respect. My grandmother is a beautiful woman and respect to her is a very important thing. As such I prioritise it highly as well and that is something I will always thank her for.
The thing I regret most is... the four years of my life I wasted wishing that I was somebody else. In all seriousness, I realise now that that was the biggest waste of time possible. It was unavoidable at the time but I regret that I didn't have the strength of mind, the presence of character and the power of will to break out of it and accept who I was a lot sooner. If I had have, my teenage years could have been a lot better.
The most secret thing about me is... my ability to manipulate people, both mentally and emotionally. This was another tough question and sad to say I could only come up with a negative answer. Very few people know when I play them mentally or emotionally. I have always used my natural born intellect to control situations to my liking and people have never really noticed it. This is a great shame because I could use my intelligence for so many other purposes... But what can you do, we are who we are.
I can hear my father/grandfather/ male caretakers voice speaking through my own when I say... Thankyou! This was an insanely difficult one. My grandfather is a many of very few words but the words he says he means. As such, I almost never say thankyou an a lot of people think I am being rude by omitting it in my every day speech. This is not my intention, I only ever say Thankyou when I mean it. This goes for a lot of other things as well... The important things in life don't need to be said over and over until they are done to death, they need to be said every so often and meant!
Love to me is... when two people accept each other into thier lives without fear of persecution. Each person maintains thier individuality but the strength of the bond between the two are strong enough to challenge all else. Love is when two people trust and respect each other explicitly and without question. Love is beautiful. Love is... Love... I guess...
The thing I am most proud of is... that my friends all seem to be progressing into a period where they no longer need me as a guide. For so many years I helped them with deep seeded issues and it looks as though I have completely out-lived my usefulness. I am so proud of all of them for learning from thier mistakes and not making new ones. Well Done Guys!! Now if only I could work that well on myself...
Every time I don't get what I want I tell myself... Meh! What can you do. We do not control every aspect of our fates. There are times when little we do matters because the end result is decided by someone else. It is times like these where you have to sit back, sigh, and continue on with your life. Dwelling on things we cannot change does much more harm than good. As I told a friend of mine just yesterday, "... Hatred is such a negative emotion... And it achieves nothing... I'd rather continue a positive relationship with someone than a wilily negative one... that's a strong belief of mine"
If you could hear the music in me... you would more likely than not be totally fascinated by the depth of the music. At times you would cry, at times you would laugh. And such is the emotional rollercoaster of my life. I long to share the music of my being with someone someday... but as yet that someone has eluded me.
I want my epitaph to be... (for those who don't know what an epitaph is, it's what will be written on your gravestone) "If the only way we can be together is in my dreams, then I'll sleep forever".
---
Ok that's the end of my little personality profile. I am kinda hungry right now and the house is still out-of-bounds because it's only 5am and my grandmother would kill me if she knew I was up. I'm gonna leave a link for anyone who wants to visit my old Blog, as well as to another site. Both have stories that have shaped my opinion on love for the rest of my life. Ehmann, Ty, I love you both.
The Blog Site is: www.ehmanpenn.com/pmnew/sully.php
And the other site is: www.stormnation.com
Regardless, there is a really interesting post in it, which is basically a personality test, it's a really great "Map to Steve" here it is.
---
Who am I? Steven
Where am I? Sitting in my room at Charles Sturt University, Wagga Wagga, New South Wales, Australia.
What am I doing? Filling out a character bio for my blog on ehmanpenn.com
What is my name? Steven Wayne James (last name omitted for privacy reasons)
How old am I? Nineteen Years and Eleven Months
Where was I born? Canterbury Hospital, Sydney, Australia
Where do I live? Between University in Wagga and my home in Leeton, N.S.W
What are my social, financial and political circumstances and beliefs?
Social : I feel that it is important for everyone to interact socially. I feel that while a enriching and unique social life is important it is not the be all and end of all life. I feel that there are many more important things. With that said, I rely on my friends with insane frequency. I love being around the few people I call my friends and couldn't live without them.
Financial: Ahem... Well, I am very, very, very, free with my money. I believe money is there to use and that it is nowhere near as important as the other aspects of life. I really dislike people who are too wrapped up in money, definitely at my age. Monetarily, I am always broke. I make enough money to survive (albeit barely) but I spend way too much most of the time as well... *sigh*
Political: Meh! I really don't have any political standpoint. It really doesn't worry me. I know it's bad but I consider voting in an election a necessary evil.
If I were an animal, what would I be? Probably a dog, I love a dog's life.
If I were an element (earth, air, fire, water) what would I be? Fire. I am deeply spiritual, and my astrological element is fire. I believe that I am a prime example of this element, with the power to create or destroy but not the control to choose.
What are my physical characteristics? I am tall but surprisingly agile for my height. I have massive legs (from many years spent on an Olympic trampoline) and a underbuilt upper body. As such I am not exactly proportioned and I am way too lazy to get off my butt and do anything about it. I am not fat but I sure as hell aint skinny. I feel that I am maintaining an optimal weight at the present time.
What are my likes and dislikes?
Likes: Fire, fantasy, Food, performing arts, music, warmth, strength of character, soul-jarring conversations with someone you really trust.
Dislikes: Being pushed around, close-minded people, winter, being hungry, shallowness, deceit.
What opinion do you hold dear? I am my own person and there aint no-one on this earth that has the power to change who I am but myself. I will be who I am forever and that's a fact.
What do I do to achieve this? I often speak my mind at inappropriate times and am a free spirit with the majority of my actions. I take constructive criticism about myself but will not follow a crowd or fashion if I don't like it, regardless of the social and ethical costs.
What do I do each day? I get up and I go to uni (when I have class). I generally wake up tired because I always go to bed way too late. I never have enough money for any meal other than breakfast so I always go to breakfast and that's usually my only meal for the day. After class, I'll come home, do some writing and generally get some sleep, I find I sleep a lot nowadays...
What are my hobbies? Hmmm, I always did like computer games but during uni time I am either doing university work or sleeping. It's sad really but there usually isn't time for anything else.
What am I wearing? Why? Ok, at the moment, I am wearing a red t-shirt with a Nike symbol on it and blue trackpants, somewhat of an atypical selection for summer, and now that I think about it, it's really quite hot in here. I am wearing the red because it's still my favourite colour, even though my more fashion conscious friends have been trying to beat it out of me and the trackpants was because it's the only dark thing I have in my current wardrobe that wasn't up in the house.
What is in my pockets? Why? At the moment, nothing, but usually I have my wallet, my mobile phone and a set of keys which alternate depending on my location. The wallet is there because it is a force of habit to take it with me everywhere I go in case I need money or I.D. I've currently got $20 Australian in it. My mobile phone is my lifeline to friends. I have it with me all the time. It is always on and I can always be reached, no matter where I am. This is in case of any emergency that people are going through. I want to be able to know straight away. The keys are either a single key with a red tag when I am at uni, or my set of 4 silver keys on a dog-chain when I am home. At the moment... My home set is currently in my uni room... How annoying.
What are two extreme points of my personality? I have a tendency to be very open about my secrets. There are very few things about me... None that I can think of off the top of my head... That absolutely no-one knows. On the other hand, I will often lie about questions that target me in a fear of being in the spotlight for too long. I like it when people cannot see the real me... It makes me feel more safe.
What is my life objective? To lead a happy, fulfilling and prosperous life with someone who cares about me and whom I care about.
What is my status/relationship to other people? Depending on the person, I feel that I get along well with almost all different types of people. With this said, I can be somewhat prejudiced against those who belong to a group of people I dislike, an example being your general "footy fat-head" (my personal term for self-absorbed jocks). I cannot see past a person who belongs to that group and get to know the real them because I believe we are on polar opposites and are incompatible as friends or even acquaintances. As much as I would love to be proven wrong, I never have been...
What are the three most important events that have occurred in my life? To me the most important thing that ever happened to me was the disintergration of a group of friends who I had been friends with all through junior high. I got kicked out of the group because someone suspected I was gay (ironically I was) and it was through this break down of my friendship group that I was able to fully experience life alone through school. It taught me a lot of things and I finally settled down into a new group of friends who actually respected me for who I was (not that they knew any of the rumours were true yet) and in this group were both Ned and Tam. They are still my closest friends.
The second most important event to happen in my life was slightly before the first, in the meeting of Jarrod. Jarrod was a member of the aforementioned friendship group but he and I had been friends since primary school and he gave me a lot more benefit of the doubt. He and I still remained friends after the whole incident and to this day we still hang out. He is 100% straight (which I cannot deny being disappointed about) and although he is just coming out of a messy relationship with Jess, my closest cousin and someone I treat as my little sister, he and I remain close.
The third and final most important thing that has happened to my life was getting the internet. It has educated me beyond measure and has allowed me to meet some truly unique and inspiring people. I will mention a few names, purely because I feel that certain people have touched me beyond that that even my real life friends have. First and most importantly, Mark. A friend of mine from the states that I couldn't have gotten through some of the toughest moments of my life without. We have been friends for the better part of three years now and he is like an older brother to me. I'll love him forever and he knows it. Sherena, a nice young girl from Canada whom I met through one of the various websites I signed up for. She is a legend in her own right and like all of us she has many little issues floating around in her head. Sherena helped me to no end when I was first here at university because she gave me some crucial advice when I needed it most. And finally Maxx, Sherena's boyfriend. He and I have been at odds a few times recently but he is a real champion, a nice guy and again, has many issues. I have to say that of all the people listed here I feel the most connection to him because of several similar instances we have encountered.
The most beautiful part of my body is... my face. I am not saying I am incredibly good looking, or even at all good looking, shit in my eyes I aint, but my face is my tool for explaining things to other people. I convey my feelings, my issues and my life through my face and I feel that it is the most beautiful part of me because if it.
Happiness to me is... the freedom to do what you think is right free of societies or even other peoples beliefs.
The thing I most want to do before I die is... say that I have loved someone and that they have returned it. It might be a small thing but in my books, that's real and important to me.
The most embarrassed I ever was... was probably when I was very little. I don't get embarrassed easily, because I've been acting all my life and due to my perpetual cynicism, I am one tough cookie. Talk about your 30ft stone walls.
The ugliest part of my body is... Probably my hair. While it looks ok at the moment and I am looking after it far more than I used to, it is still artificially straightened, black and strawlike... How annoying...
The thing I like best about myself... is my ability to rise to my feet regardless of the crisis at hand. There has not been a single situation in my life where I have not known exactly what to do. Granted sometimes took longer than others but I have moved though everything as I got it, without stopping. I feel that's a real life skill and something a lot of people need to develop. (not to say there aren't a billion different things I have to develop). This is the main reason for my handle: Phoenix.
Pain to me is... the unbearable loneliness that creeps into your soul at 3am some idle Tuesday morning and regardless of how hard you try to shake it claws away at your very being until there is nothing left but a desicated husk void of all emotion and spirit.
My mother/grandmother/female caretaker or w/e... Taught me... the true meaning of respect. My grandmother is a beautiful woman and respect to her is a very important thing. As such I prioritise it highly as well and that is something I will always thank her for.
The thing I regret most is... the four years of my life I wasted wishing that I was somebody else. In all seriousness, I realise now that that was the biggest waste of time possible. It was unavoidable at the time but I regret that I didn't have the strength of mind, the presence of character and the power of will to break out of it and accept who I was a lot sooner. If I had have, my teenage years could have been a lot better.
The most secret thing about me is... my ability to manipulate people, both mentally and emotionally. This was another tough question and sad to say I could only come up with a negative answer. Very few people know when I play them mentally or emotionally. I have always used my natural born intellect to control situations to my liking and people have never really noticed it. This is a great shame because I could use my intelligence for so many other purposes... But what can you do, we are who we are.
I can hear my father/grandfather/ male caretakers voice speaking through my own when I say... Thankyou! This was an insanely difficult one. My grandfather is a many of very few words but the words he says he means. As such, I almost never say thankyou an a lot of people think I am being rude by omitting it in my every day speech. This is not my intention, I only ever say Thankyou when I mean it. This goes for a lot of other things as well... The important things in life don't need to be said over and over until they are done to death, they need to be said every so often and meant!
Love to me is... when two people accept each other into thier lives without fear of persecution. Each person maintains thier individuality but the strength of the bond between the two are strong enough to challenge all else. Love is when two people trust and respect each other explicitly and without question. Love is beautiful. Love is... Love... I guess...
The thing I am most proud of is... that my friends all seem to be progressing into a period where they no longer need me as a guide. For so many years I helped them with deep seeded issues and it looks as though I have completely out-lived my usefulness. I am so proud of all of them for learning from thier mistakes and not making new ones. Well Done Guys!! Now if only I could work that well on myself...
Every time I don't get what I want I tell myself... Meh! What can you do. We do not control every aspect of our fates. There are times when little we do matters because the end result is decided by someone else. It is times like these where you have to sit back, sigh, and continue on with your life. Dwelling on things we cannot change does much more harm than good. As I told a friend of mine just yesterday, "... Hatred is such a negative emotion... And it achieves nothing... I'd rather continue a positive relationship with someone than a wilily negative one... that's a strong belief of mine"
If you could hear the music in me... you would more likely than not be totally fascinated by the depth of the music. At times you would cry, at times you would laugh. And such is the emotional rollercoaster of my life. I long to share the music of my being with someone someday... but as yet that someone has eluded me.
I want my epitaph to be... (for those who don't know what an epitaph is, it's what will be written on your gravestone) "If the only way we can be together is in my dreams, then I'll sleep forever".
---
Ok that's the end of my little personality profile. I am kinda hungry right now and the house is still out-of-bounds because it's only 5am and my grandmother would kill me if she knew I was up. I'm gonna leave a link for anyone who wants to visit my old Blog, as well as to another site. Both have stories that have shaped my opinion on love for the rest of my life. Ehmann, Ty, I love you both.
The Blog Site is: www.ehmanpenn.com/pmnew/sully.php
And the other site is: www.stormnation.com
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.FallenPhoenix
-Robert
Fulghum
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
The Fallen Phoenix
Ok, well this is my first blog post in a very long time. To make this very clear from it's outset, this is not my first Blog and I doubt it will be my last. Every time I run into a snag in my life I seem to have a need to outlet it somewhere and due to a number of issues I have with people, I cannot open up to them.
I found out when I was thirteen or so that I liked guys. I hate labels and to label myself gay or straight would, I think, do me a great injustice. I just seem to like guys. For now thats all I'll say. Suffice to say that as a 13 yr old, I had absolutely no idea what that meant and only with the introduction of the internet several years later did I actually determine that this was considered a "problem" by the rest of the world. I found this confusing, but as it turned out, I would find out later exactly what the concequences of this little abnormality were to be.
First a little on myself. My name is Steve, I am currently nineteen, drawing closer and closer to my twentieth birthday with every passing minute (25th November). I live in a small town in New South Wales Australia, although I currently attend university, where I am studying teaching. There is so much to write to talk about my history, and I'll try and get through all of it, though doubtfully in some ultra-post tonight. For now, we start with begginnings.
As I said, I live in a small town, occupying a flat in the backyard of my grandmothers house. My mother concieved me when she was 16 and she and my father, whose name I am not even familiar with, never married. To the best of my knowledge, he split not long after my birth. My mother tried her very best (at least this is what I am told) to look after me in her condition and although my memories of that time in my life are not particularly clear, I do not remember much happiness.
In my fifth year, my mother had too much and sent my to my grandparents for the weekend, never returning to pick me up. I remember that life after this point changed dramatically and I have been blessed by two of the most caring and loving grandparents a person could ever ask for. These two wonderful people shaped me to be who I am today and although I recently lost my grandfather to cancer, I will fondly remember him as a strong and caring male role-model, loved by his community and his family.
My mother did not show herself too much more in my life, appearing breifly not long after my 13th birthday (which I incidentally spent in hospital with gastro) informing me that I had two half-brothers. I was too young to feel much for them at the time, and I remember only slight connection with them. Today, having not spoken to, or heard from my mother or brothers in several years, I feel a great sense of emptiness and loss over this. Unfortunately, my mother is an expert at not being found and although, I have, as yet made no attempt to locate her, my grandmothers attempts during my grandfathers illness were in vain.
To get me to this point in time, I must first explain the issue of friendships, which are the primary concern of me writing my thoughts down. I have an uncanny knack for finding and making a few close friends, begin to trust them, and have it all blow up in it's face. To explain, lets start with primary school. At the start of my 3rd year of school, I made friends with two boys, Nick and Simon, and we were good friends for 3 years. At some stage at the start of Yr 6 I was unsubtly told by the two of them that they no longer liked me and that I could leave now. This shaped my view of people in a somewhat negative way for the rest of my life and left me somewhat cynical, despite my best efforts against it.
I was lucky enough to be picked up (be it out of sympathy or not) by a group of people who, looking back, could only really be described as populars. I took an immediate shine to a boy called Jarrod within the group and he and I really hit it off. I began to make friends with his friends and we became quite close. I can honestly say that as we entered high school, I was quite happy. As I started my first year of high school, we made a circle of friends, Myself and Jarrod, Jassi, an Indian boy whom Jarrod had been friends with throughout most of his life and David, a boy of below average intelligence whom I befriended in a History class after I made him laugh. This formed the basis of my friends for my junior high life.
In a tragedy we all saw coming, Jarrod's parents did to him what they had done to his older brother and sent him to boarding school in Sydney, which is about 8 hours drive from where we lived. This totally shattered me, but I didn't let it show, I wanted to be strong for everyone. I can honestly say that Jarrod was the first person I ever really liked at high school, I guess he was my first crush, and seeing him leave really did crush (excuse the pun) the life out of me.
Soon, and almost inevitably, Jassi and I began to grate on each others nerves. Jarrod was somewhat of a peace-keeper between the two of us, and with him gone things got ugly quickly. I am a somewhat quiet manipulator, dealing with things behind the scences, and I dont like to lead, rather I like to be sort of a second in command, and deal with people through others. Jassi was, and still is, a natural leader, and quickly dominated our group of friends.
The addition of two new people into our friendship group, Anthony and Guillaume, two boys we met through extra-circular activities, made things more complicated. Jassi and Anton were immediately close, sharing a love of politics and media, and Guillaume and David took of as well, leaving me as somewhat of an outsider. Things continued with relative security, until a somewhat atypical misjudgement from me blew the entire world I knew out of the water.
As a fifteen year old guy who had never been in a relationship and never been touched before, my hormones were totally racing. I guess they were the soul motivation for a fateful maths class where I asked David if he'd be interested in some sort of mutual experiance with me. For starters, and with the wisdom of hindsight, I really shouldn't have picked David of all people. He said nothing about it, went home and rang Guillaume and it was all over school the next week. I was totally shattered.
Skipping forward again, I spent a lot of time alone for the remainder of that year, stronger than I was the previous time, which had sent me into clinical depression, but this time more bitter and cynical than ever. I began to beleive that there was no-one in the world that I could trust and that it was me against the world. I have litterally only just gotten over that little mindset this year.
I was introduced to Ned through the same extra-ciricular activity which bought my old group Anton and Guillaume. Ned was a year younger than me, which in my old school was social suicide, but I figured I couldn't kill what was already dead and we became friends instantly. He and I clicked on so many levels and he bought me into his group of friends, all a year below myself. Ned and I remain good friends.
Throughout the rest of my time in High School, I met an absolutely gorgeous girl in my Drama class called Tammy, and she and I clicked as well. She was the first real female friend I had ever had and she kida forced me into her group of friends as well. From that stage in my life, late year ten, onwards, I must admit I have had great friends in Tammy and Ned, and although I am not as close to either as I used to be, I will always love them both.
Thats a fairly brief overview of my history... now lets get into my thoughts.
At the moment I am totally in a rut. I can't focus on anything and it seems like everyone has a complete hold of thier lives and are powerful forward towards a bright future. I should be the same, but I cant seem to find a focus.
I have a love for psychology and although I am no trained shrink, I have helped many people get over intense personal and family problems. So why can't I help myself? I have several theories for why I could be feeling this way and I'll share a few of them now, mabye in future posts I can go into greater detail.
First of all I am lonely. I dont know what to think really, but my appalling lack of charisma (I am not exactly unattractive, but I could look better) isn't helping. I really want to be in a relationship, I am the only person I know who is my age and has not been in a serious relationship by this stage. I haven't been in a relationship... period. The only people I have ever liked have turned out to be homophobic, totally straight or worse, have played with me for sex and left me totally broken in the process. Worst part is, I am still "friends" with all of them.
I consider myself an intelligent person, I really do. But for the life of me, I dont know what to do. I just want to find someone who I can spend the rest of my life with, and I am too paranoid that my liking guys will get out and destroy my life and the lives of people who I care about again to go out and do anything about it. In all seriousness, I don't want to see the looks on peoples faces when they find out that someone like me likes guys. I dont want to see the looks they will give my grandmother, a respected member of the community, when they find out that her grandson, the one she raised, the spawn of evil, likes guys. I just don't want people to go through that.
So I have to stay alone and will probably have to live with that forever. I can't see another way for it to end. The town in which I live is so small and desolate that the people who are like me are going to run for the nearest city to make life easier at thier earliest convienance.
Lets discuss my lack of trust for other people... if my friends are so important, why can't I speak to them about this?
Ok for starters, I don't want to bother Tammy anymore with my insignificant issues. She has her life now and a wonderful boyfriend whom she is already completely convinced will be her husband some day. Quite frankly so do I. She has her life now, almost five hours away from a home she never visits anymore. I just want her to be happy, and worrying about me wont help to acheive that goal.
Ned is a little more complicated. Both of the aforementioned people know about my preferences, and Ned even fits into the category of people who I've liked and who have screwed me over for sex. He remains one of my most trusted friends because although he shattered me at one time in my life when I really didn't need it, it was deserved, because I had never been entirely truthful to him either. He is, as ever, great fun to be around, but quite frankly, all the time I spend with him kills my soul a little more. I fear I am slipping further and further into an old mindset, further into the notion that I will forever be alone and that I can do nothing to change this. As far as I am concerned, it's me against the world and there is very little I can do about that.
This brings me to my current dilemma. Without going into too much details, I fell hard for a boy who is several years younger than I am and despite this, we remain good friends. He does not really know about my preferences, although we have on several occassions had "hormonal romps" as he calls them. This served to make me even more smitten than I already was... except that not only is said boy not interested, he is a total homophobe.
Life goes on I guess and he's recently just doused whatever fire I have left in my soul. Hence the name of this Blog. I have always admired the tenacity of the mystical Phoenix, a figure of such undeniable fiery will that he could not be quenched. Every time he fell, he would rise again. In a way, I identify with the phoenix more than any other, and have adopted it as my handle and my totem.
At the moment, I am certainly down for the count and between not wanting to hurt people, people not knowing and my own stubborn refusal to look weak, there is not a single person on this wide earth who I can talk to with any depth about the topic at hand.
So I guess at the moment there are two real issues which challenge me, my lack of focus, and my focus on that boy.
I really need to work on exactly what I can do with each problem... I guess I was right to a certain extent, it really is me against the world isn't it...
Nothing has meaning until it changes what we think or who we are...
-Unknown
FallenPhoenix
I found out when I was thirteen or so that I liked guys. I hate labels and to label myself gay or straight would, I think, do me a great injustice. I just seem to like guys. For now thats all I'll say. Suffice to say that as a 13 yr old, I had absolutely no idea what that meant and only with the introduction of the internet several years later did I actually determine that this was considered a "problem" by the rest of the world. I found this confusing, but as it turned out, I would find out later exactly what the concequences of this little abnormality were to be.
First a little on myself. My name is Steve, I am currently nineteen, drawing closer and closer to my twentieth birthday with every passing minute (25th November). I live in a small town in New South Wales Australia, although I currently attend university, where I am studying teaching. There is so much to write to talk about my history, and I'll try and get through all of it, though doubtfully in some ultra-post tonight. For now, we start with begginnings.
As I said, I live in a small town, occupying a flat in the backyard of my grandmothers house. My mother concieved me when she was 16 and she and my father, whose name I am not even familiar with, never married. To the best of my knowledge, he split not long after my birth. My mother tried her very best (at least this is what I am told) to look after me in her condition and although my memories of that time in my life are not particularly clear, I do not remember much happiness.
In my fifth year, my mother had too much and sent my to my grandparents for the weekend, never returning to pick me up. I remember that life after this point changed dramatically and I have been blessed by two of the most caring and loving grandparents a person could ever ask for. These two wonderful people shaped me to be who I am today and although I recently lost my grandfather to cancer, I will fondly remember him as a strong and caring male role-model, loved by his community and his family.
My mother did not show herself too much more in my life, appearing breifly not long after my 13th birthday (which I incidentally spent in hospital with gastro) informing me that I had two half-brothers. I was too young to feel much for them at the time, and I remember only slight connection with them. Today, having not spoken to, or heard from my mother or brothers in several years, I feel a great sense of emptiness and loss over this. Unfortunately, my mother is an expert at not being found and although, I have, as yet made no attempt to locate her, my grandmothers attempts during my grandfathers illness were in vain.
To get me to this point in time, I must first explain the issue of friendships, which are the primary concern of me writing my thoughts down. I have an uncanny knack for finding and making a few close friends, begin to trust them, and have it all blow up in it's face. To explain, lets start with primary school. At the start of my 3rd year of school, I made friends with two boys, Nick and Simon, and we were good friends for 3 years. At some stage at the start of Yr 6 I was unsubtly told by the two of them that they no longer liked me and that I could leave now. This shaped my view of people in a somewhat negative way for the rest of my life and left me somewhat cynical, despite my best efforts against it.
I was lucky enough to be picked up (be it out of sympathy or not) by a group of people who, looking back, could only really be described as populars. I took an immediate shine to a boy called Jarrod within the group and he and I really hit it off. I began to make friends with his friends and we became quite close. I can honestly say that as we entered high school, I was quite happy. As I started my first year of high school, we made a circle of friends, Myself and Jarrod, Jassi, an Indian boy whom Jarrod had been friends with throughout most of his life and David, a boy of below average intelligence whom I befriended in a History class after I made him laugh. This formed the basis of my friends for my junior high life.
In a tragedy we all saw coming, Jarrod's parents did to him what they had done to his older brother and sent him to boarding school in Sydney, which is about 8 hours drive from where we lived. This totally shattered me, but I didn't let it show, I wanted to be strong for everyone. I can honestly say that Jarrod was the first person I ever really liked at high school, I guess he was my first crush, and seeing him leave really did crush (excuse the pun) the life out of me.
Soon, and almost inevitably, Jassi and I began to grate on each others nerves. Jarrod was somewhat of a peace-keeper between the two of us, and with him gone things got ugly quickly. I am a somewhat quiet manipulator, dealing with things behind the scences, and I dont like to lead, rather I like to be sort of a second in command, and deal with people through others. Jassi was, and still is, a natural leader, and quickly dominated our group of friends.
The addition of two new people into our friendship group, Anthony and Guillaume, two boys we met through extra-circular activities, made things more complicated. Jassi and Anton were immediately close, sharing a love of politics and media, and Guillaume and David took of as well, leaving me as somewhat of an outsider. Things continued with relative security, until a somewhat atypical misjudgement from me blew the entire world I knew out of the water.
As a fifteen year old guy who had never been in a relationship and never been touched before, my hormones were totally racing. I guess they were the soul motivation for a fateful maths class where I asked David if he'd be interested in some sort of mutual experiance with me. For starters, and with the wisdom of hindsight, I really shouldn't have picked David of all people. He said nothing about it, went home and rang Guillaume and it was all over school the next week. I was totally shattered.
Skipping forward again, I spent a lot of time alone for the remainder of that year, stronger than I was the previous time, which had sent me into clinical depression, but this time more bitter and cynical than ever. I began to beleive that there was no-one in the world that I could trust and that it was me against the world. I have litterally only just gotten over that little mindset this year.
I was introduced to Ned through the same extra-ciricular activity which bought my old group Anton and Guillaume. Ned was a year younger than me, which in my old school was social suicide, but I figured I couldn't kill what was already dead and we became friends instantly. He and I clicked on so many levels and he bought me into his group of friends, all a year below myself. Ned and I remain good friends.
Throughout the rest of my time in High School, I met an absolutely gorgeous girl in my Drama class called Tammy, and she and I clicked as well. She was the first real female friend I had ever had and she kida forced me into her group of friends as well. From that stage in my life, late year ten, onwards, I must admit I have had great friends in Tammy and Ned, and although I am not as close to either as I used to be, I will always love them both.
Thats a fairly brief overview of my history... now lets get into my thoughts.
At the moment I am totally in a rut. I can't focus on anything and it seems like everyone has a complete hold of thier lives and are powerful forward towards a bright future. I should be the same, but I cant seem to find a focus.
I have a love for psychology and although I am no trained shrink, I have helped many people get over intense personal and family problems. So why can't I help myself? I have several theories for why I could be feeling this way and I'll share a few of them now, mabye in future posts I can go into greater detail.
First of all I am lonely. I dont know what to think really, but my appalling lack of charisma (I am not exactly unattractive, but I could look better) isn't helping. I really want to be in a relationship, I am the only person I know who is my age and has not been in a serious relationship by this stage. I haven't been in a relationship... period. The only people I have ever liked have turned out to be homophobic, totally straight or worse, have played with me for sex and left me totally broken in the process. Worst part is, I am still "friends" with all of them.
I consider myself an intelligent person, I really do. But for the life of me, I dont know what to do. I just want to find someone who I can spend the rest of my life with, and I am too paranoid that my liking guys will get out and destroy my life and the lives of people who I care about again to go out and do anything about it. In all seriousness, I don't want to see the looks on peoples faces when they find out that someone like me likes guys. I dont want to see the looks they will give my grandmother, a respected member of the community, when they find out that her grandson, the one she raised, the spawn of evil, likes guys. I just don't want people to go through that.
So I have to stay alone and will probably have to live with that forever. I can't see another way for it to end. The town in which I live is so small and desolate that the people who are like me are going to run for the nearest city to make life easier at thier earliest convienance.
Lets discuss my lack of trust for other people... if my friends are so important, why can't I speak to them about this?
Ok for starters, I don't want to bother Tammy anymore with my insignificant issues. She has her life now and a wonderful boyfriend whom she is already completely convinced will be her husband some day. Quite frankly so do I. She has her life now, almost five hours away from a home she never visits anymore. I just want her to be happy, and worrying about me wont help to acheive that goal.
Ned is a little more complicated. Both of the aforementioned people know about my preferences, and Ned even fits into the category of people who I've liked and who have screwed me over for sex. He remains one of my most trusted friends because although he shattered me at one time in my life when I really didn't need it, it was deserved, because I had never been entirely truthful to him either. He is, as ever, great fun to be around, but quite frankly, all the time I spend with him kills my soul a little more. I fear I am slipping further and further into an old mindset, further into the notion that I will forever be alone and that I can do nothing to change this. As far as I am concerned, it's me against the world and there is very little I can do about that.
This brings me to my current dilemma. Without going into too much details, I fell hard for a boy who is several years younger than I am and despite this, we remain good friends. He does not really know about my preferences, although we have on several occassions had "hormonal romps" as he calls them. This served to make me even more smitten than I already was... except that not only is said boy not interested, he is a total homophobe.
Life goes on I guess and he's recently just doused whatever fire I have left in my soul. Hence the name of this Blog. I have always admired the tenacity of the mystical Phoenix, a figure of such undeniable fiery will that he could not be quenched. Every time he fell, he would rise again. In a way, I identify with the phoenix more than any other, and have adopted it as my handle and my totem.
At the moment, I am certainly down for the count and between not wanting to hurt people, people not knowing and my own stubborn refusal to look weak, there is not a single person on this wide earth who I can talk to with any depth about the topic at hand.
So I guess at the moment there are two real issues which challenge me, my lack of focus, and my focus on that boy.
I really need to work on exactly what I can do with each problem... I guess I was right to a certain extent, it really is me against the world isn't it...
Nothing has meaning until it changes what we think or who we are...
-Unknown
FallenPhoenix
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)