Dreams of Tomorrow: Harmonic Anthem

So folks, I went to bed early for a change. I made it to bed before 11pm for the first time in a long time since I've been sick. So why, do you ask, am I sitting here typing away at this confounded computer at 4am on a Saturday morning. The answer isn't simple.

I've got a lot going on in my head at the moment, more of course than I am letting on. Such things are not exactly public enough to hit this forum, so the people who need to know will find out very shortly. All things come to an end I guess.

I have been reviewing my policy on friends over the last week, after some information filtered down to me that I wasn't doing my job correctly. Now, I take my friendships very seriously, so I think it's time to take this early morning opportunity to highlight a few core things.

First of all, I'm somewhat unique when it comes to friends. I believe that for anyone to want to be my friend for any length of time, they have to be fairly crazy, so one does ones best to be fairly free and accomodating at all times. I'll go out of my way as often as I can to make sure that my friends are catered for, well before my own needs. However, the maytr complex of mine aside, I do have a specific way of dealing with friendships that is unique to me, and I could go into all the psychobabble to explain my reasons for it, but I don't think I want to. Basically, the way it works is that I will leave a friend, not talking to them for weeks and months at a time, then come back and expect to pick things up from where they were. This is not out of any deep seeded need to hurt my friends, on the contrary, it's because I feel so confident with my friendships (at least the ones that have been around a while) that I feel no need to murmur platitudes at someone unneccesarily.

I found out only recently, from a source who really doesn't care too much, that not everyone of my friends work this way, in fact none of them do, and some resent me for the fact that I "ignore them" or that I neglect them at times. Whether or not this was the case, I was shocked and I did some soul searching over the next couple of days. I always knew that of all of my friends, Lynelle definately has that quality about her, she works the same way I do, however, I was the first to find out that one of my friends from a lot longer ago feels exactly the same way I do, and that worked in my advantage with the strength and conviction of this post. In my opinion, I would do anything for my friends, and I don't think a little confidence in a friendship is too much to ask in return.

On that note, it's been a mixed couple of weeks for me, and I don't know whether I am coming out of them stronger or not. I have a lot to look forward to over the next few months, and seeing as I found out that my brain isn't cancerous, I can stop fretting about having to have my affairs in order for something I wasn't completely in control of. So where does that leave me now?

I am looking more and more forward to these Idol auditions in Albury that are coming up deceptively quickly, and I'm going to have to ask Iain if he wants to do some vocal practice with me. I'm shy as all hell about my voice, and I need to do some work in front of people before I embark on this little sidequest at all. I should be ok, but it'll be fun to do some vocal exercises with Iain anyway, he's a funny dude, and he makes everything around him more entertaining just by being there.

Ned's folks are coming this weekend, and although my usual reaction would be to scream and run home (believe me folks, I would if I could) my money situation is worse than usual. I have to stay up now until Lynelle rises from the dead so that I can give her everything she needs to do what I intended to do while I was home. I'm not scared for Ned's parents (thats me getting defensive about what the voice in my head is saying), but as Ned would surely understand, they make me increasingly uncomfortable. It's something that I've been holding for a good many years, and although they are really nice people, I can't help but feel bad around them. I hope I don't illicit the same vibe.

Now folks, I thought it might be nice to bring about a sort of challenge, lets make that Blog a little more interactive sort of thing. By now, all you regulars will have noticed that there are always two parts to each of the titles of my posts, and they sometimes seem a little irrelivant. I'd like to issue an ongoing challenge to anyone who thinks that they can decipher what I am talking about in each of the two parts of every post (including this one) from now on. There are prizes if you do it properly.

So here are the rules:

• You can summarise each peice with no more than ten words per section.
• Overtly vague and general responses, no matter how accurate, will not count. I am always very sepcific with my titles, and all of them mean something sharp. Don't be blurry.
• All responses will be dealt with by email, though your welcome to leave the actual responses on the site.
• There can only be one winner per post, to whom I will give credit to in the next post.

So, the prize... I'm a cheapskate, and have no money, but one thing I do have is information. So here's the deal. To anyone who can identify a post in total, I will answer any three questions they might have about myself, my opinions and my life, furthermore, in an effort to encourage myself to be more open, I will post (unless specifically asked by the winner not to) the questions and thier answers in the next post. Consider this like a sub-column for The Phoenix Process. This will persist until someone tells me it's stupid or the ratings fall off the face of the planet.

"“We all have fears, Josh. What separates us is how we deal with them.”"
- Mike Marcus

FallenPhoenix

Gathering Storms: Summer Memories

Well folks, I'm posting here because I've been slack by not posting for the last week and a bit, but I've been quite ill with headaches and a rebellious little stomach virus which refuses to co-operate with me. I'm fighting both with a vengeance at the moment and one would like to think that I have the little bastards under control, but I got some blood tests done over the last week, and I have a cat-scan coming up to see whether these headaches are for any real reason. Hopefully between the two different tests, they'll come up with something, we'll see.

As the weather fades from summer sun to autumn winds, I feel the change coming which sets us down for the long cold caress of winter. I'm not a huge fan of the cold, but winter allows certain things which summer makes very difficult, so I guess I'm actually looking forward to winter this year. Summer holds a lot of memories for me, and although I cannot say that this summer was the most memorable I've ever had, there are memories I'll take to the grave from the last three months. Some of them are good, some of them are not so good, but all of them will continue to build me up, they will continue to create who I am. I am a product of my experiances.

I got a chance to go home this weekend, and as tiring as the trip was, I'd still call it a positive one. I got a chance to talk to my grandmother, who is in poorer health than I've ever seen her. She's still a total tank. I should call her, and I am going to do that now. Ok, seems like she's doing ok, that woman is so scarily self-sufficient at times, I think thats probably where I get my need to be so self-sufficient from.

I got two see a few people I haven't seen in a while. Iain, whom I am only just realising is a lot closer to me than I had original thought (or perhaps intended), and I spent quite a long while together over the weekend, and I definately enjoyed the company, despite the fairly extensive age gap, he has grown into a well considered and intelligent young man, capable of reasoning and behaviour well beyond his years. He's great fun to have around, because our humour and intelligence mesh so well. I think though that he might actually be smarter than me, which is scary considering the way I used to treat the poor kid. Ah well, it's an interesting road, and one I look forward to continuing down the path of.

Matty, who I am seriously looking on as an honorary little brother, has been in some trouble with school and his ever-crafy mother has devised a means by which to keep him steady with his work and behaviour. If the boy can keep his head in line, we'll be graced with a visitor for the easter holidays. Should be interesting.

So at the end of my blooming summer period, what conclusions have I come to? Am I stronger person? Have I learnt anything? How can I make the answers to all of these questions difficult for the reader to decipher without a natural 20? I'm gonna give it a shot.

Question One: What conclusions have you come to at the end of summer?

As summer winds first touched my face, my eyes turned from blue to brown. I felt a surge of an emotion I've never felt in a way I never thought I would and I saw the sky change from red to blue. As the summer progressed, one of my eyes returned to blue and I began to have split visions of futures far from the now. Twice, I found these visions collided with intensity, passion and a hint of danger, and twice I found myself feeling less for it. As summers warmth fades from my mind, I find myself resolved never again to let my minds eye wander so far from reality.

Question Two: Are you a stronger person at the end of Summer 2005/06?

Strength is relative. It depends on which strength one wants to know about. I am weaker of body, stronger of mind, I see so much more but I'm already blind. I fight for my friends, and my heart is on fire, yet if you looked really close you could prove me a liar. My life is just starting, my troubles must end, my picture is broken, yet starting to mend. Lastly my soul, which in truth was cold, in now enveloped with the fires of old. I wish you the best in finding the truth, and apologise, for my method is quite aloof, but you'll see if you can that this is just a way, to hold fears and passions at bay.

Question Three: Have you learnt anything yet?


A smile slowly crept over the young mans lips, a fire shining in his grey eyes. With a strong voice, he broke the cold, peircing silent of the area around him.

"Yes", he said, smiling, "Yes I have".

As the room echoed with the reverberating truth of the statement, the shocked assembally of fated onlookers turned thier backs on the fire in his eyes, scared by the fate the statement pronounced. The young man, while still alone, was victorious.

Hehehehehe, Oh I wish you all the very best with those little puzzles. I do so enjoy having four or five different layers of subtext. Each one of you have so much to gain from this. Hope you all have fun. At least now I have the strength to divulge such information, even if it is encrypted. Only the people who can be bothered looking at it will see what I mean. Have fun kiddies, I'll be watching this space. I'll even tell you if your right or wrong.

"Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions."

-David Borenstein, January 28, 2000

FallenPhoenix

The Candle Flickers: A Sense of Dread

I'm just crossing my fingers that this retarded compy can handle writing a post without completely crashing before I can finish. I have a lot to do today, so I really don't have the time to be doing this. I can only think of one way to cover so much ground in a small amount of time. It's vague, but I have no real choice.

This week:

• One person opened a door for me that led me down a path I shouldn't have ever taken. I didn't know at the time, and I don't think they did either, but the path most travelled appears to be the most dangerous.
• One person showed me exactly how they felt this week, and showed me that the people I consider my friends may not be where it all ends. This person's gentle nature showed me that I may need to reassess a few relationships. Insect indeed.
• One person proved to me that they really do care about me in a way I'm still only really coming to grips with. This person can expect to have a fairly intense conversation with me next time I see them. I have a lot to say.
• One person showed me a flash of desperation so deep and filled with despair that I finally got a glimpse of exactly what they have been trying to tell me for so long. This scared me, but ultimately, I don't think things will change.
• One person has shown me the true facets of thier personality, giving me a glimpse into a cornucopia of different emotions. It feels like interactions with this person are like walking through an emotional mindfield, but thats half the fun. Intrigued as always, I plunge headfirst into the depths.
• One person has shown me this week that life is precious, and that a candle can be extinguished at any time with little warning. Given a chance, I would love to help this person, but I don't know that I can.

Ok folks, you guys can comment, question and rip all of these apart as you like, but for now, I won't talk about any of them until I have a chance to discuss them all in detail. A request as well. No more anonymous posts. I like to know who says what. I don't want to scare you into not posting on here, but I don't like not knowing who reads this. Therefore, from now on, all anon comments will be deleted as soon as I find them. If your not comfortable identifying yourselfs on the site, just email me. Anyone who should be reading this has my email anyways, it's not that hard folks.

In the words of an inspiration of mine.

"Laugh Often, Live Well and Love Much" - Tyrael.

FallenPhoenix