I’m not sure if anyone else has this problem, but as I’ve always been told I’m not a unique snowflake, I’m fairly sure this isn’t an isolated incident. I’m a giant knot of conflict kinda steam wrapped into a tall and extremely socially awkward person. Anyone who knows me will attest to that, but it’s funny, I’ve been thinking a lot about “the future” over the last few weeks and it’s got me thinking about a lot of different things.
Lets attack them in order of importance shall we. So we all know I’m a little bit confused about the direction I want to take the rest of my life. I’m still one of those people that could go into any field, and if you ask me tomorrow what career I want to pursue, I will answer the same way I would have when I was sixteen. I’m not sure. Now, it’s cute and somewhat understandable when a teenager tries to sell that to you. I mean, they are young right? They aren’t meant to know what they want to do with thier lives at this point.
Unfortunately, for both my friends and my family, it’s starting to wear a little thin, and admittedly, my own internal monologue is starting to pick at my excuses as well. Sadly, I’m not doing it just to annoy people. I am fairly serious when I say that I really don’t know. I have a strong grasp on the things I would be good at, but unfortunately, that’s actually a pretty broad spectrum, and that doesn’t help me much.
So here’s the plan, I’m headed up to Sydney at the end of the year to sit the UAC STAT test, which will give me an exact measure on what I can do, and that will allow me to pick from there. In the mean time, the focus is on putting away as much money as humanly possible so that I can ensure that if I do choose to go back to university, I can afford to do so.
Other aspects of my future have been creeping up on me a lot. Ironically, I was going back through my blog and found that my very last post was on how much I loved this town and how much of a connection I felt to it. That alone served as a potent reminder of exactly how fickle I am, because I feel like in six short months that connection is gone. I hate winter, I really do, and it does really nasty things to my moods, but this place has lost a lot of it’s fairy tale appeal for me nowadays.
I’ve been approached by several people of late with the intent of moving, and honestly, that doesn’t really appeal to me either. There are a lot of good idea’s being thrown into the mix, and that’s great, but my indecision is giving me pause. I don’t like making big life decisions when my mind isn’t made up. I’m usually a fairly decisive person, and to some who haven’t known me for a very long time, it might even look like I’ll make big decisions rashly.
Let me clear something up first. Yes, I am rash, and usually pretty decisive as well, but that’s usually because I’m very quick to make up my mind and form an opinion on matters of importance. That’s one of the consistent things about me and that throws things sharply in contrast when it doesn’t happen. Ironically, I think the idea of moving is something that really requires a great deal of though from me. I’m not going to be rushed into this, and I don’t care what anyone else says.
In more mundane news, I’ve almost entirely ceased writing, and that annoys me. I just don’t have a creative bone in my body of late. I can still pump out short stories for thirteenth, but that’s not the point. Not many people realise this, but I have written short stories and other random acts of creativity since I was young, and I used to be so proud of the work I could do. I just don’t have that spark anymore, and that’s actually been creeping up on me a while. I’m not really sure why, and in fact, I’m sure it’s a compilation of many different things, but that spark has gone and I want it back damn it.
For the rest of today, I have the following things in mind. I need to go shopping for a quality VCR. I’ve been inspired for a multimedia project or two, and I’d like the freedom such a tool will give me. Money is tight as usual, but I’m very keen to see if I can get one and get some idea’s on the road.
I also had a very good idea for a post on thirteenth, and that will very likely follow this post straight onto blogger. The idea came to me the other day at work, and although it’s probably been three days since then, I still haven’t gotten around to it. I even left myself an update on facebook just so I couldn’t back out of it.
I shall endeavour to complete that post haste.
“Remember that you are an actor in a drama of such sort as the Author chooses: if short, then in a short one; if long, then in a long one. If it be His pleasure that you should enact a poor man, or a cripple, or a ruler, or a private citizen, see that you act it well. For this is your business, to act well the given part. But to choose it belongs to Another.”
-Epictetus, Enchiridion 17
