From the Ashes: The New Dawn Trilogy

Well folks, it's been a very long time since I've posted on this site, or any other for that matter. For the first time in a long time I'm getting to be very busy. Not in a bad way either, just a good kind of busy, a hectic kind of busy where everything I'm doing has both a purpose and a meaning in my life. It's the type of busy I could get used to.

So I now have a job working at the BP across the road. I'm into my first week of non-training shifts and I like it quite a lot. It's the type of job where I get a lot of work to do over the course of a 6 hour shift and I get to do it at my own pace unsupervised. I like it, and it pays pretty well. Centrelink are writing me hate mail over it, but nobody really cares what those idiots say now do they.

I'm writing this after a surprise graveyard shift (12am-6am) so people will forgive any dislexia caused by randomness.

I've been giving my life a good thinking about over the past few months. I've had a look at where I am, where I want to be and where I am headed and found that once again, all of those tracks end up at different places. My life this year has been... well... mixed... It's been a day to day existence, a plethora of moods, swelling from excrutiatingly happy to downright depressed at times. On some deep thinking, the career path I've chosen, teaching, mightn't be right for me, but I'll get to that in a moment, and looking at myself in ten years time makes me want to cry... Once again, I'll elaborate in a bit.

All in all it's been a hectic couple of months, but the improvements that I've been wroughting along the way are actually all beginning to manifest at the moment.

For starters, I've fallen in with a new group of friends that I've met through the Events Management at the library. They are fantastic, and I'm proud to call all of them friends of mine. I have a strong feeling that at least some of them are likely to be lasting friendships as well.

Secondly, doing all this work with Kids and with Youth Events during the past year has made me realise that while I have a real talent for teaching, I dont really wanna be doing that in five years time. On discussing this with both my grandmother and a couple of careers advisors out at the university, I managed to realise that a degree in Social Work will allow me to work with the youth of the country here in Australia while I am young and I can return to teaching them when I get a little older. It makes sense in a nutshell and I explain things better in person anyway.

I just lost about 50% of the post because my computer hates people... so I'm going to go to bed. I'll try and remember what I posted when I live again, which wont be for a while, but please, all of you stay safe and be well.

"When you get in a tight place and everything goes against you, until it
seems as if you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that
is just the place and time when the tide will turn."

-Harriet Beecher Stowe

FallenPhoenix

Trivial Little Games: Not Changing My Name

I loved this little game so much that I stole it. Thats all thats going to be in the post. Have fun folks, this is great ^^.

01.. Post a list of up to 20 books/movies/anime/T.V. shows/video games/etc. that you've had an obsessive fannish love of at some time in your life.

02.. Have your friends list guess your favourite character from each item.Righto.

01. Lufia- SNES
02. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
03. Dragonball Z
04. Sailor Moon - English Translation Version
05. The Elenium and Tamulii Series - David and Leigh Eddings
06. Stormfront - Online Story
07. E.R -All Seasons
08. Zelda: Ocarina of Time
09. Questing - The Game We all know and Love.
10. StarGate SG1
11. The Belgaraid and Mallorean Series - David and Leigh Eddings
12. X-Men - Comic Books Versions
13. X-men - Movie Version
14. Ragnarok iRo - Yes darling, it does count.
15. Mario Bros 2 - NES
16. Matthew Figures It Out - Online Story
17. Arjuna
18. Soul Calibur 2 & 3
19. Tekken 5 & Tag
20. Lord of the Rings Movies

Ok folks, I'll post the answers in about a month or so. I love this idea, thankyou herbeautifuldespair.

FallenPhoenix

Limit Break: End of the Fuse

My my, isn't this going to be fucking interesting.

Ok, so we know right from the outset that this is not going to be one of those hearty posts full of light and goodness. Congratuations if you've worked this out so far, I'm impressed.

Lets just say that I'm going to reveal some unceretain truths to all those people that have been stoicly watching this space to hear a little bit about whats going on in my life. For once, I figure, I might as well be completely honest with the folks out there that seem to actually want to know what the hell is going on. I'm not entirely sure that all of you are going to want to hear this, and I'm sure that some of you will make more sense out of this than others, but thats going to have to be enough for now. There's a lot to say, and while, for a change I don't have limited time to say it, this will be relatively brief.

Lets just say that the giant combination lock that is my self-control actually broke today, and as much as certain people will likely want to blame themselves for it, there was no single incident which made this the case. It was a combination, a *gropes for words* cocktail, if you will, of fucked up little peices which made the whole thing that much sweeter.

I would very much like to go through this and just word vomit, letting everyone know exactly what is in my mind, exactly what is going on to make me want to laugh and cry, scream and whisper all at the same time. Luckily for several people that read this, and more than that who don't, I'm not going to go into the gory little details. I'll even give you a reason for this, and it's even true. First and foremost, I hate confrontations, and I guarun-damn-tee that me going and blurting everything is going to cause more than a few. Secondly, while my self-control has been eroded to the point where I am comfortable actually telling the truth on my own fucking blog (who'd have guessed, what a crazy idea), my common sense is quite intact, so I'll not be mentioning things which will get me in trouble. Well... that might not be entirely true, but we'll see... nothing... life changing...

I make such a big deal about trying to help my friends, and I act so mature and all fucking high and mighty all the time, and guess what folks, it's all an act. I've been here at uni for the better part of four years and I can count the number of subjects I have successfully completed in this time on one and a half hands. I can talk my way out of a pit, but even my excuses have started to run a little thin. Granted that some of the reasons that I used were once upon a time completely legitimate, now, they are complete and utter bullshit. I've done a lot of soul searching over the past month or so, and anyone who knows me will tell me straight out that thats generally a bad idea. Any time I am left to my own devices, I generally end up a quivering mess who cannot seem to recall how he got there... I'm not quivering yet, and I know where I am at for now, so we are in no danger at this present time.

So my uni life is floundering. We have that down. Understood. Excellent. Next point. My last relationship was with a 16yr old guy, which ended almost a year and a half ago. I have had chances for relationships almost 5 times since then, yet I feel more or less entirely alone now, and have since I left my last relationship. Now, lets have a look at why I turned down all of these potential relationships. Was it because of the fact that I didn't feel the same way about the people who were doing the asking? In some of those cases, yes. Was it because the people asking were too far away to make a relationship feasible? In some cases, once again yes. Overeall however, was it because I've been pining over a relationship I keep trying to tell myself I know isn't going to happen. Yeah, I'd say thats a fairly good part of each of those.

Ok, so I need to get out more. Despite my failure here at uni, I've been away from home almost four years, and thats fantastic. One would suggest perhaps that I would have met some new friends while I have been over here, some new people that I could hang out with and perhaps connect with. I can tell you now that I have not met a single person during my university life whom I have conversed with more than I absolutely had to. Now, this could be because I have a personality which is incompatible with everyone else at Charles Sturt, but I am willing to bet that this is probably not the case. I'll put money to the fact that I am scared to go out and socialise for some unknown reason. Yes, yes there it is, I am actually scared to go out and socialise. Alcohol plays a part but not always, and I can't link it to every situation where I have felt the feeling I usually do. I have spent the last four years trying to tell myself that it was the alcohol which made me want to stay away from people I didn't know, but I think it runs far deeper than this.

Now, lets get something straight as I continue to ramble. I'm going to post this as is, and I'm not going to read over it before hand. I want you to know that I have not been drinking, I am not on drugs and my mood has not been altered in any way, be it magical or mundane.

Moving on, I want to try and explore a little, if I may, the reason why I seem so uncomfortable in situations like this. It could very well be something I am entirely missing, but I feel an intense lack of control whenever I am in a situation where there are people I don't know. I have gone out of my way since high-school to surround myself with people I thought I could trust, and when situations arise where I cannot trust people I seize up. I am hopelessly inept at rectifying the situation as well. I just completely freeze up and flee the situation in question, usually completely unconvincingly. One would then hazard an imperceptive guess that perhaps this made me feel better by leaving these situations, but I often feel much much worse, leaving them feeling weak, stupid and completely useless. I appear so stronhg and so stubborn, trying desperately at times to show that I stand for what people believe to be my beliefs, but in actuality, standing for some of the things that I invest myself in comes sometimes out of a need to prove that I am standing for something rather than out of actual conviction. I'm not going into examples, my mind is racing too fast for that.

Basically at the moment, I see myself in a giant wrought-iron cage, with bars thin enough to see out of but no room to squeeze through. Do you people see me as a happy person, someone who has fun and is confident and smart and relatively secure in thier future. It's interesting isn't it, looking at it now and seeing how trapped I at least feel, if not appear. The most fun I have had in the longest time came with the summing up of the Re:Generate festival, which turned out to be a large success. I put a lot of heart and a lot of work into that festival, and the success that was granted to me was actually a really nice feeling. I had fun. It was nice. In the end however, I turned even that against me, in the silent war which is my mind, and it became a flash of colour in a sea of black. How droll.

Another thing I want to get perfectly clear right from the outset. I have been to see professional help for the amount of mental stress I have placed myself under. I am not depressed, and I thank the Lord and Lady for that. Depression to me seems so languid, almost like drowning in tar. I'm sure somewhere inside of me lurks the power to break through everything which is going on inside my head. I'm sure that I and I alone have this power, this potential energy brimming inside of me, I just need to find a key right.

I'm not depressed, because I have hope for the future, and I know it rests wholly and solely in my hand.

You know, I've done so many things over the last six months that I swore I would never do. In a fit of passion, and not the kind that everyone is thinking, I actually did harm to myself this semester. I cut my own skin with a razorblade, and I watched as my own lifeblood trickled down my arm. I did this several times over the course of three days. The people that know that this happened believed that I did this in a state of non-chalance, a pleasant cushion of black. Not so. If any colour featured in my head at that stage, it was red. I did it out of anger, rage and hate. Directed at myself mostly. It gets more interesting however. I promised myself that I would never harm myself in this way, and in the end, I know now why I did it. It was because of the promise that I made myself. I broke it because I have broken many promises to myself and I figured at the time that one more would hardly be an issue. I did it to spite myself, and it worked.

Luckily for me, my mind is an intensely powerful tool, and I have both read and seen that self-harm can be an addictive practice. I have felt the pull of the razor that I tried desperately to give away at the time many times over the course of the last three months, but I have done what I needed to do with it, and finally made peace with it this evening.

The razor is back in my possession, but I've dealt with why I used it, and I know now, in the core of my being, that it will never be used again.

I have no scars to show the promise I broke, I was too careful for that. You know, thats actually slightly dissapointing, sitting here. I feel like I've ripped myself off almost. No matter, whats done is done.

In the end, I want this post to achieve one thing and one thing only, and that is to highlight something to all you people who feel that what has been going on in my posts was all that was going on. I know for the majority most of you knew there was stuff bubbling beneath the surface. Congrats on the pick up, but I couldn't have explained it then. For some of you, this might come as a complete shock, I don't even really apologise. Pay more attention to whats being said, the signs are all there if you pay enough attention.

Having said that, the Phoenix Process begins again, reborn with it's original intention, to be a space where I can explode my feelings onto the page without issue. A place where I can come to bitch, to whine, to talk, to cry, to laugh, to shout, to congratulate, to love, to hate, and to be me.

Let my world burn to the ground for all I care. I know I'll still be here when the smoke clears. I can survive on my own, but thats an awfully lonely prospect. In the words of a good friend of mine.

Let us see where this takes us...

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."
-Confucius

FallenPhoenix

Heart of Fantasy: Dreams of Success

So, i decided I'd do a post right now and I'm not entirely sure why. I'm exceptionally tired at the moment, and it's all because the D&D workshops for the Regenerate Youth Festival here in Wagga have been a stunning success. I'm happy to say that everything seems to be going relatively well, and although tommorow marks the last day of the workshops, I think we'll get some genuine interest out of it all.

Having said that, as usual, all is not rosy in my world at the moment. Basically, I'm sick of fighting battles against shadows. Thats the thought running through my head at this time, and I dont really have the energy or the inclination to explain it. Those of you who understand my thought patterns, and you know who you are, are likely, you'll know what I mean.

Man I just feel like leaving this at the couple of meager paragraphs that I've cooked up and just go and find some place warm to drool, but I don't really have the luxury at the moment. Tommorows big session starts late, and if I go to bed now, I wont really be ready for it. Again, you have to be in my head to understand that, though I think I already explained that to one of you.

Oh, on a random note, the Phoenix Sub-Column thingie is being discontinued. The more I look at it, the more I think it's a wanky idea that I can't be bothered upkeeping. I'm not interested in my own issues, so I wouldn't expect any of you to have more than perhaps a passing interest in any of mine. Your all welcome to continue to dechiper my names, because, yes, they all still have meaning.

On a random note, Jarrod shows promise (give it like six years >.<) and Ben needs to take 100mg of humility before he can make any sort of useful DM.

Yeah I'm done now...

"All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses
of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of
the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to
make them possible."
-Thomas Edward Lawrence (of Arabia)

FallenPhoenix

Shadows Coil: Winter Storms

Ok, so it's been way too long since I last posted here. I have been missing in action for an entire term, and I assure you it's not without good reason. It's been a turbulent couple of months for me, and it's all I can do to keep myself from giving up this site entirely. I've been exceptionally busy without getting anything done at all, and it's starting to show in my efforts to achieve even the smallest goal I set myself... this is however a little far forward in the story, so lets start at the beginning.

Since Matty came over, I've been struggling with a few truths, revelations and injustices. You'll all have to guess at what I mean by any of that because one of the disadvantages of posting now is that I can't stay long. I can however post now, and thats important seeing as I have missed out for a long time.

Winter is when my personality slows down the most, and I become very reclusive, preferring not to stray too far from the nest so to speak. I did a lot of damage throughout the formative months to quite a few friendships in leiu of a couple of others, and it's showing in my weaker months. I didn't do enough throughout my summer and autumn session and it shows. I feel oike this year is starting to slip away from me and I don't want that to happen. I'm gonna have to pull my finger out in my least comfortable time of the year. I have little option, and even less desire to do the opposite, so I guess I've lumped myself with an unfortable situation and it is well and truly up to me to make the most of what I have left.

Moving on, I have a six week break now, and I have to get my life in order as soon as I possibly can. Once upon a time, I was told I couldn't help anyone if I'm broken myself and while I'm not exactly broken, and am still a long way off to be honest, I don't wanna end up ending up like that, if it makes sense...

Now, I'm kinda done for the day. I'll try and get back on here and post alter, because this is still dismally short, but I'll try and get back to it. I'm just letting all you folks out there in net land that I'm not dead.

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the
children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is not safer in the
long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or
nothing."

-Helen Keller,
Let Us Have Faith, 1940

FallenPhoenix

Puzzled Pieces: Winter Storms

Ok folks, I know I've been slack recently with my posting, but in all, seriousness, I really haven't had the time. Even now, all I really have time for is this quiz and then I have to go. I'm cold and want to watch a movie. So here is a innane little update I scored from Lynelle. I'll write more on this post a little later, I have lots to update.


1. Who do you see the most often? Lyenlle and Ned are my roomies, but as far as friends go, The Jas-Man.

2 Who are you closest with? Ned and Nell are very close to me, but my original circle holds a special place in my heart.

3. Who has the best sense of style? Jassi has the best sense of style for sure.

4. If you were in a sticky situation who would you want to be in with? Probably Jassi, he'd make an assasintation attempt funny.

5. Who is the biggest animal lover? Nells probably, has a horse spirit that girl does.

6. Who's posts do you always read? Nells is about the only one I can attempt to keep current with, I just don't have the time to be mass netting anymore, and even with Nells I don't really read as often as I should.

7. Who has the nicest smile? Jarrod has a smile which would lead most people to distraction, there is so much evil in it too, very captivating.

8. Who makes you laugh the most? I can always count on Jassi to make my day a little brighter, I am always laughing with him, it's a great quality dude, keep it up.

9. Who are you most alike? I am a unique snowflake. I see parts of myself in Jess, but thats another story.

10. Who are you most unlike? Probably Nell, she and I are worlds apart sometimes, it's a fascinating viewpoint though.

11. Who shares similar values? Nell and I have fairly close morals.

12. If you were stranded on a desert island who would it be with? Definately Nells, it'd be hot, and she'd wanna take off her clothes and swim in the deep blue sea... mmmmm.

13. Who is most adventurous? Jassi, surrpisingly enough, would have to be among my most adventurous friends. He has a "always try it once" sort of way of living. Between the two of us, we have a five mile scouting radius around the uni, that was a great two years we spent out there dude...

14. Who is the most conservative? I don't do conservative friends, it's just not gonna work with a bisexual witch who supports stem cell research, abortion and the death penalty in certain situations...

15. Who is the most liberal? Hmmm, probably Ned, usually cause he just doesn't care that much about anything.

16. Who is the best looking? Well, based entirely on physicality, I'd have to say Jarrod has definately got the fuck off hotness factor, and if I had to pick any girl I know, I'd have to say that Jagdeep and Nells are both very close. I don't care what you say girly, your very attractive, usually when your not trying.

17: Who's wardrobe do you want to steal? Jarrod's for sure, but I don't think anything that he has would look nearly as good on me.

18: Who's closest with thier family? Probably Nells, she'd do anything for her mum and brother.

19: Who's the biggest party animal? Prolly Jarrod, he's out and about all the time, tho less often than he used to be.

20: Who do you think would take a bullet for you? Nells would for sure, and I think Jarrod would probably consider it as well.

21: Who would you take a bullet for? In true me style, it would be situation dependant. I'd like to say everyone I've mentioned here, but that may not be the case. Probably everyone here though, depending on why they were being shot.

22: Who has the best sense of humour? Jassi and I have very similar senses of humour, who else would laugh at the image of me shattering a womans window as she drove by, then strangling her while she swerved and hit a tree. *wipes tears away* Good times.

23: Who was the last person to call you? J.D, to tell me petrol had gotten more expensive in the city. Not as random as you'd think...

24: Who is the most likely to become famous? Probably Jassi, he'll rule the world one day, a little slice of Zelda for everyone.

25: Who do you think is the smartest? Jarrod is real world smart, Ned is book-smart.

26: Who is the cutest? Cute... Nells... for sure.

27: Who has got the coolest possesions? Jarrod.. I love his Vigicam

28: Who is the easiest to get along with? Jassi, for sure. We never fight for long.

29: Who is the most funky? For true funk, I'd have to say Christian, but then I didn't know him when I actually started this post, mind you, I'm sticking to this response.

30: Who do you consider like a brother or sister? Ned and Nells, most definately.

31: Who would you like to see win a million dollars? *checks rules* Damn, well, Ned or Nells could use the money, but it is likely I'd say Nells so she could help her mommy.
32: Who would make the best parent? ...

33: Who is your favourite to party with? Nells, cause we both have similar views on what to do and what not to do at parties.

34: Who is the best dancer? Nells for sure, that girl really knows how to move.

35: Who is the most talented? Probably Owen, that boy can cook up a storm of ideas in the time it takes me to dredge half a dozen.

36: Who is the most insightful? Definately Nells, she's a wise wise girl.

37: Who would be most likely to go sky diving? Ned, and I intend to get him to come with one day.

38: Who can talk their way out of most anything? Well, apart from myself, Ned can, jusat by not saying anything at all XP.

39: Who is the most modest? Modest, probably Cailin, that girl is so like "OMG, I'm so ugly". Pfft, sorry love, your wrong.

:Current:

Current mood: Neutral

Current music: The Most Beautiful Place "Kate DeAraugo"

Current taste: Coke, but chippies is coming.

Current hair: Messy black, I didn't brush it and it hates me for it.

Current clothes: Green billabong shirt I got last christmas and jean shorts.

Current annoyance: My nose is itchy and it's driving me nutz.

Current smell: Chippies XD.

Current windows open: None.

Current desktop picture: Alluel from the Ovara Campaign, Scary Scary woman.

Current favorite band: I don't have one and doubt I ever will.

Most listened to: At the moment, I'd have to say that my OC ReMixes are my most listened to.

Current book: I don't read anymore, I'm just a little stupid at the moment.

Current cds in stereo: I don't actually own a stereo, sorry.

Current crush: >> Crush, by the great gods, I don't do crushes, it's an all or nothing thing for me. << >> <<

Current favorite celeb: WTF. The celebreties are wonderful, they have thier world and I have mine, lets keep it that way hmmm.

Current hate: I hate very few things... none of them are popping up currently.

Current job: I work as a Console Operator for BP, but once again I wasn't working when I first started this post, so this is all gonna be a little odd.

Hoping to pick one up this week: When I get paid, I'm definately getting an iron, and robably an ironing board.

+:The last time:+:

Last book you read: >> Actual soft cover book? Probably Belgarath the Sorcerer last christmas.

Last movie you saw: Christ, I don't even remember, thats depressing.

Last thing you had to drink: Coke.

Last time you showered: This afternoon when I got up.

Last thing you ate: Ice Cream... >-0 Don't tell Nells, she will eat me.

Last person you talked to on the phone: The Jas-Man. His pocket called me. ^^

:+:Do I:+:

Smoke?: Hell No. The Goddess would be most miffed with me, we have this deal you see...

Do drugs?: While the aforementioned deal doesn't actually apply to the hard stuff, I believe that she'd be right miffed with me anyway, not to mention the fact that it would undermine one of my strongest personality traits.

Have sex?: I'd like to think I do, on occasion, on rare occasions at the moment -_-; Still, yeah, I do.

Have a dream that keeps coming back?: No reoccuring dreams actually, a strange TV themed dream last night.

Play an instrument?: I wish, I think I can sing a little, though most people would disagree.

Believe there is life on other planets?: Yeah, I guess I do to be honest, I mean, it's really close to statistically impossible that we are that much of an accident.

Remember your first love?: >> Remember, I... yeah, safe to say I do.

Still love him/her?: *sigh* Don't tell them, but yeah, I do, just in a different way.

Read the newspaper?: When I should be working I do, but not often otherwise.

Have any gay or lesbian friends? Actually, despite my own stance, I don't believe I do. Isn't that odd.

Believe in miracles?: I do believe in miracles, but not the kind that I'm sure this question implies.

Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: Wow, forever is an exceptionally long time, and circumstances change. Ideally though, I suppose it's possible to commit yourself that thouroughly to someone.

Consider yourself tolerant of others? I try to be, but my snobby upbringing sometimes shines through at times, even though I am sure thats not what my grandparents ever intended.

Consider love a mistake?: Sometimes.

Like the taste of alcohol?: Ah, no, certainly not my preference.

Have a favorite candy?: Ugh, I like Bueno Bars.

Believe in astrology?: Of course, though the sources can sometimes be questioned.

Believe in magic?: Believe. Magic Happens!!

Believe in god?: << Which one exactly? I believe in the existance of divinity, and in many different divinities.

Have any pets?: Not anymore. T.T

Do well in school?: Not for a while I haven't, hopefully this new change of pace will really pick me up.

Go to or plan to go to college?: Already there.

Wear hats?: Not really.

Have any piercings?: No, and haven't any real motivation to get any.

Have any tattoos?: See above.

Hate yourself?: Not really, I've hated things I've done, but to actually hate myself would undermine one of the core struts of my personality as well, and thats just dumb.

Have a secret crush?: << >> << No.

Do they know yet?: No, why would you ask that, I mean I answered that I didn't have a secret crush, are you implying that I'm lying to you, because I'm not, I'm NOT!!!! << >> <<

Collect anything?: D&D Books, I have quite the collection.

Have a best friend?: Not really anymore.

Close friends?: Quite a few nowadays, and thats a nice change.

Wish on stars?: Not in the longest time, like at least 5 years.

Like your handwriting?: I do, but I've had it called messy by a lot of people which I find intensely disorienting.

Care about looks?: Not especially no, certainly not my own.

+:Love life:+:

First crush: Chris Hannon, but before that even, probably Kate Perkins, she was hot, even for 9.

First kiss: Justine Carter

Single or attached?: Single

Ever been in love?: Yeah, a couple of times, hasn't ever turned out particularly well.

Do you believe in love at first sight?: Lust isn't love, and initial attraction isn't love, but chemicals can react to another person in a very particular way that causes deep infatuation from the start. God I talk shit sometimes. (Quote Nell, Agreed by Steve).

Do you believe in "the one?": Yeah, but the statistically the chances of ever finding the one are depressing.

Describe your ideal significant other?: Kind, Intelligent, caring and open minded, willing to embrace the dork in me, willing to show themselves to me and trust that I'll accept that.

:+:Juicy stuff:+:

Have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing?: Yeah, a few times, I'm usually pretty good at them.

Have you ever been intoxicated?: Not once in my life, having said that, I've been pretty close.

Have you ever been caught "doing something?": Yeah, unfortunately, by both parents and Ned -_-

Shy to make the first move?: The dating game can be a dangerous one for someone in my position, so sometimes yes, but I can hunt if I need to.

:+:Are you a:+:

Wuss?: Pig-headedly unwuss like sometimes, often to the point of dangerous, there is a reason for that, but thats something that I wont discuss, because it would scare people.

Druggy?: Not now, not ever.

Daydreamer?: Actually, more so than people would merit, but I'm not gonna let you know the signs.

Freak?: Absolutely positively. ^^

Dork?: Absotively Posolutely. >-O

Bitch/Asshole?: I can be, because I have an emotional on/off switch.

Brat?: Not really, though I can muster my brat gene if necessary.

Sarcastic?: If you can spot three times I was sarcastic within this quiz, I'll give you a cookie.

Goody-goody?: *laughs until the world dies* No.

Devil?: Nope, not really that either.

Shy?: Around people I don't know I'm often quite reserved, but having said that, I usually overcompensate.

Talkative?: Around people I do know, I'm usually quite chatty yes.

Adventurous?: Absolutely, I'm one of those people who will go looking for it in places where it shouldn't be.

Joker?: I look for humour in most of the things I do, but having said that, I'm not exactly a natural at it.

Flirty?: Now that I don't do very well, I can try, but it comes out as a little sleazy at times.

Alright, it took no shorter than 12 months to complete that post, I'm proud of myself, I set a new record. Huzzah!!!

Crimson Tears: The Scorpian Kid

It's been a while since I've posted, and for that I apologise. It's not for any lack of things happening in my life, I assure you. In fact, it's been the opposite which has stopped me from posting in this space. I've had that much on my plate recently that I think for the first time in a long time that I'm stressed. But we'll get to that.

The first order of today's post is to congratulate Arctic for his win of the Phoenix Process sub-column. I guess it just goes to show that living with me for any length of time offers some insight into the way I work. I don't know how accurate that is, but I think it's a fairly fair assumpion for everyone.

Ok, so now I have to try and cram the last month into a very short post, because I'm kinda being a little rude.

At the moment, we have Matty staying with us. I'm really enjoying him being here, because he injects a life into the house that I feel we are missing. His vitality and youthful enthusiasm are two valuable assets to have over this break, and the longer he stays the more strength his presence brings me. It's odd really, I mean, I already liked him, but him being here for a week or more has got me feeling better than I had when he wasn't here. He's a champ and I'm enjoying playing big brother... I guess that's the bottom line, I act around him the way that I would act around my own brothers... so we both get something out of it, because I think Arctic was right when he said that Matty looks up to us, as big brothers and sisters.

Anyways, I got nothing else I can really talk about at the moment, I've got so much to say and so little time. I'll try and edit this post later so that I can work things out in a better setting, but now is not the time I don't think. Stay well folks, and I'll see you all soon.

Oh, and the second installment of the sub-column is now open for buisness. Best of luck. I would be answering questions from last week, but Arctic doesn't have anything he'd like to ask me.

I'm done. See ya'll laters.

"We can rest contentedly in our sins and in our
stupidities, and anyone who has watched gluttons shoveling down the most
exquisite foods as if they did not know what they were eating will admit that we
can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers
to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It
is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

-C.S. Lewis

FallenPhoenix

Dreams of Tomorrow: Harmonic Anthem

So folks, I went to bed early for a change. I made it to bed before 11pm for the first time in a long time since I've been sick. So why, do you ask, am I sitting here typing away at this confounded computer at 4am on a Saturday morning. The answer isn't simple.

I've got a lot going on in my head at the moment, more of course than I am letting on. Such things are not exactly public enough to hit this forum, so the people who need to know will find out very shortly. All things come to an end I guess.

I have been reviewing my policy on friends over the last week, after some information filtered down to me that I wasn't doing my job correctly. Now, I take my friendships very seriously, so I think it's time to take this early morning opportunity to highlight a few core things.

First of all, I'm somewhat unique when it comes to friends. I believe that for anyone to want to be my friend for any length of time, they have to be fairly crazy, so one does ones best to be fairly free and accomodating at all times. I'll go out of my way as often as I can to make sure that my friends are catered for, well before my own needs. However, the maytr complex of mine aside, I do have a specific way of dealing with friendships that is unique to me, and I could go into all the psychobabble to explain my reasons for it, but I don't think I want to. Basically, the way it works is that I will leave a friend, not talking to them for weeks and months at a time, then come back and expect to pick things up from where they were. This is not out of any deep seeded need to hurt my friends, on the contrary, it's because I feel so confident with my friendships (at least the ones that have been around a while) that I feel no need to murmur platitudes at someone unneccesarily.

I found out only recently, from a source who really doesn't care too much, that not everyone of my friends work this way, in fact none of them do, and some resent me for the fact that I "ignore them" or that I neglect them at times. Whether or not this was the case, I was shocked and I did some soul searching over the next couple of days. I always knew that of all of my friends, Lynelle definately has that quality about her, she works the same way I do, however, I was the first to find out that one of my friends from a lot longer ago feels exactly the same way I do, and that worked in my advantage with the strength and conviction of this post. In my opinion, I would do anything for my friends, and I don't think a little confidence in a friendship is too much to ask in return.

On that note, it's been a mixed couple of weeks for me, and I don't know whether I am coming out of them stronger or not. I have a lot to look forward to over the next few months, and seeing as I found out that my brain isn't cancerous, I can stop fretting about having to have my affairs in order for something I wasn't completely in control of. So where does that leave me now?

I am looking more and more forward to these Idol auditions in Albury that are coming up deceptively quickly, and I'm going to have to ask Iain if he wants to do some vocal practice with me. I'm shy as all hell about my voice, and I need to do some work in front of people before I embark on this little sidequest at all. I should be ok, but it'll be fun to do some vocal exercises with Iain anyway, he's a funny dude, and he makes everything around him more entertaining just by being there.

Ned's folks are coming this weekend, and although my usual reaction would be to scream and run home (believe me folks, I would if I could) my money situation is worse than usual. I have to stay up now until Lynelle rises from the dead so that I can give her everything she needs to do what I intended to do while I was home. I'm not scared for Ned's parents (thats me getting defensive about what the voice in my head is saying), but as Ned would surely understand, they make me increasingly uncomfortable. It's something that I've been holding for a good many years, and although they are really nice people, I can't help but feel bad around them. I hope I don't illicit the same vibe.

Now folks, I thought it might be nice to bring about a sort of challenge, lets make that Blog a little more interactive sort of thing. By now, all you regulars will have noticed that there are always two parts to each of the titles of my posts, and they sometimes seem a little irrelivant. I'd like to issue an ongoing challenge to anyone who thinks that they can decipher what I am talking about in each of the two parts of every post (including this one) from now on. There are prizes if you do it properly.

So here are the rules:

• You can summarise each peice with no more than ten words per section.
• Overtly vague and general responses, no matter how accurate, will not count. I am always very sepcific with my titles, and all of them mean something sharp. Don't be blurry.
• All responses will be dealt with by email, though your welcome to leave the actual responses on the site.
• There can only be one winner per post, to whom I will give credit to in the next post.

So, the prize... I'm a cheapskate, and have no money, but one thing I do have is information. So here's the deal. To anyone who can identify a post in total, I will answer any three questions they might have about myself, my opinions and my life, furthermore, in an effort to encourage myself to be more open, I will post (unless specifically asked by the winner not to) the questions and thier answers in the next post. Consider this like a sub-column for The Phoenix Process. This will persist until someone tells me it's stupid or the ratings fall off the face of the planet.

"“We all have fears, Josh. What separates us is how we deal with them.”"
- Mike Marcus

FallenPhoenix

Gathering Storms: Summer Memories

Well folks, I'm posting here because I've been slack by not posting for the last week and a bit, but I've been quite ill with headaches and a rebellious little stomach virus which refuses to co-operate with me. I'm fighting both with a vengeance at the moment and one would like to think that I have the little bastards under control, but I got some blood tests done over the last week, and I have a cat-scan coming up to see whether these headaches are for any real reason. Hopefully between the two different tests, they'll come up with something, we'll see.

As the weather fades from summer sun to autumn winds, I feel the change coming which sets us down for the long cold caress of winter. I'm not a huge fan of the cold, but winter allows certain things which summer makes very difficult, so I guess I'm actually looking forward to winter this year. Summer holds a lot of memories for me, and although I cannot say that this summer was the most memorable I've ever had, there are memories I'll take to the grave from the last three months. Some of them are good, some of them are not so good, but all of them will continue to build me up, they will continue to create who I am. I am a product of my experiances.

I got a chance to go home this weekend, and as tiring as the trip was, I'd still call it a positive one. I got a chance to talk to my grandmother, who is in poorer health than I've ever seen her. She's still a total tank. I should call her, and I am going to do that now. Ok, seems like she's doing ok, that woman is so scarily self-sufficient at times, I think thats probably where I get my need to be so self-sufficient from.

I got two see a few people I haven't seen in a while. Iain, whom I am only just realising is a lot closer to me than I had original thought (or perhaps intended), and I spent quite a long while together over the weekend, and I definately enjoyed the company, despite the fairly extensive age gap, he has grown into a well considered and intelligent young man, capable of reasoning and behaviour well beyond his years. He's great fun to have around, because our humour and intelligence mesh so well. I think though that he might actually be smarter than me, which is scary considering the way I used to treat the poor kid. Ah well, it's an interesting road, and one I look forward to continuing down the path of.

Matty, who I am seriously looking on as an honorary little brother, has been in some trouble with school and his ever-crafy mother has devised a means by which to keep him steady with his work and behaviour. If the boy can keep his head in line, we'll be graced with a visitor for the easter holidays. Should be interesting.

So at the end of my blooming summer period, what conclusions have I come to? Am I stronger person? Have I learnt anything? How can I make the answers to all of these questions difficult for the reader to decipher without a natural 20? I'm gonna give it a shot.

Question One: What conclusions have you come to at the end of summer?

As summer winds first touched my face, my eyes turned from blue to brown. I felt a surge of an emotion I've never felt in a way I never thought I would and I saw the sky change from red to blue. As the summer progressed, one of my eyes returned to blue and I began to have split visions of futures far from the now. Twice, I found these visions collided with intensity, passion and a hint of danger, and twice I found myself feeling less for it. As summers warmth fades from my mind, I find myself resolved never again to let my minds eye wander so far from reality.

Question Two: Are you a stronger person at the end of Summer 2005/06?

Strength is relative. It depends on which strength one wants to know about. I am weaker of body, stronger of mind, I see so much more but I'm already blind. I fight for my friends, and my heart is on fire, yet if you looked really close you could prove me a liar. My life is just starting, my troubles must end, my picture is broken, yet starting to mend. Lastly my soul, which in truth was cold, in now enveloped with the fires of old. I wish you the best in finding the truth, and apologise, for my method is quite aloof, but you'll see if you can that this is just a way, to hold fears and passions at bay.

Question Three: Have you learnt anything yet?


A smile slowly crept over the young mans lips, a fire shining in his grey eyes. With a strong voice, he broke the cold, peircing silent of the area around him.

"Yes", he said, smiling, "Yes I have".

As the room echoed with the reverberating truth of the statement, the shocked assembally of fated onlookers turned thier backs on the fire in his eyes, scared by the fate the statement pronounced. The young man, while still alone, was victorious.

Hehehehehe, Oh I wish you all the very best with those little puzzles. I do so enjoy having four or five different layers of subtext. Each one of you have so much to gain from this. Hope you all have fun. At least now I have the strength to divulge such information, even if it is encrypted. Only the people who can be bothered looking at it will see what I mean. Have fun kiddies, I'll be watching this space. I'll even tell you if your right or wrong.

"Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions."

-David Borenstein, January 28, 2000

FallenPhoenix

The Candle Flickers: A Sense of Dread

I'm just crossing my fingers that this retarded compy can handle writing a post without completely crashing before I can finish. I have a lot to do today, so I really don't have the time to be doing this. I can only think of one way to cover so much ground in a small amount of time. It's vague, but I have no real choice.

This week:

• One person opened a door for me that led me down a path I shouldn't have ever taken. I didn't know at the time, and I don't think they did either, but the path most travelled appears to be the most dangerous.
• One person showed me exactly how they felt this week, and showed me that the people I consider my friends may not be where it all ends. This person's gentle nature showed me that I may need to reassess a few relationships. Insect indeed.
• One person proved to me that they really do care about me in a way I'm still only really coming to grips with. This person can expect to have a fairly intense conversation with me next time I see them. I have a lot to say.
• One person showed me a flash of desperation so deep and filled with despair that I finally got a glimpse of exactly what they have been trying to tell me for so long. This scared me, but ultimately, I don't think things will change.
• One person has shown me the true facets of thier personality, giving me a glimpse into a cornucopia of different emotions. It feels like interactions with this person are like walking through an emotional mindfield, but thats half the fun. Intrigued as always, I plunge headfirst into the depths.
• One person has shown me this week that life is precious, and that a candle can be extinguished at any time with little warning. Given a chance, I would love to help this person, but I don't know that I can.

Ok folks, you guys can comment, question and rip all of these apart as you like, but for now, I won't talk about any of them until I have a chance to discuss them all in detail. A request as well. No more anonymous posts. I like to know who says what. I don't want to scare you into not posting on here, but I don't like not knowing who reads this. Therefore, from now on, all anon comments will be deleted as soon as I find them. If your not comfortable identifying yourselfs on the site, just email me. Anyone who should be reading this has my email anyways, it's not that hard folks.

In the words of an inspiration of mine.

"Laugh Often, Live Well and Love Much" - Tyrael.

FallenPhoenix

The Minds Eye: Differing Perspectives

It has come to my attention over the last few days exactly how much our individual perspectives shape the way we act and react in certain situations. What might matter so much to me may not matter in the slightest to someone else. They do not react at all, and I end up feeling bitter because they showed no interest. It's funny how priorities are so different from person to person and how they are shaped by our lives up to this point.

This realisation has made me really look at the things that matter the most to me, and I have to say that coming into the forefront is the fact that my friends are really my life. The few special people who have worked thier way to my heart, that have braved the spiky exterior I have worked so hard to manufacture are granted so much from me. To me, every thing they say matters, everything they do, thier opinions, thier hopes, thier dreams, thier aspirations, no matter how small or how trivial.

There are certain things that I really just don't consider a priority at all. Money is one of these. I don't really care where my money goes, so long as the bills are payed and everyone around me is happy. Which leads me back to my first point. Money doesn't matter to me, but my friends do, so I go out of my way to spend my money on my friends. A fact that infuriates some of them. This perspective thing is complicated though, because until recently, I was under the impression that everyone felt the way that I did about this (and other) issues. Big Mistake. It goes further than that as well. But first, lets explore this example.

The reason I am so free with money is because despite my troubled early childhood, I was well cared for and well looked after by my Grandparents when I finally move in with them. I have always had a comfortable life. My entire family has been comfortable and well looked after. We all went to private schools and were given every opportunity to excel. Money was never a problem. It wasn't something to throw around, but it was not a limitation, more of a ticket we got every now and then.

I've never held friends for very long. I've always had this incredible skill for losing them after a short time frame. It's hard to say why exactly, but I always seem to be the cause of it. I lost a group at the end of primary school and again, halfway through high school, and most of my high school friends are now naught but aquaintences, with two very special exceptions. These two events caused me to seal my heart to the world outside. I will admit to the world in this post that it will take a miracle for me to fully trust anyone again ever. Someone once came very close to that, they promised me, they swore to me that they would never hurt me, and guess what... they fucking hurt me... what a fucking surprise that was. All of my friends have a special peice of my heart, and that means that they have a peice of my life which is there's specifically. Ned and I have a brothership which will endure forever, despite my moods and his nonchalance. Nells is the person I will turn to when the world inevitably hurts me again because I know I am safe with her. Jassi has the old me, the history behind the phoenix, and dude, our circle still rages strong, something you and I have watched for close to a decade.

So friends are a central pivotal focus in my life, something I will always cherish and always hold above and beyond myself. I guess this is for a multitude of reasons, I do it because I fear that if I don't, they will abandon me, like a few have. I do it because they are empathic, loyal and virtuous people who deserve to get the very best from everyone they encounter. I do it simply because I know no other way. For me, I've always been taught a friend gives everything they have and everything they are. I live by that when I can.

I guess the focus behind this post is to say that everyone sees this wide wonderful world in differing ways. Everyone has something that matters to them and something that doesn't, many have quite a few things that fit into those categories. It gets better kiddies, because while it's possible for two people to have similar perspectives, it's rare, and every single focus works with every single other focus to determine human interaction, which is the key reason behind the staggering diversity of our race. So many people, so many differing perspectives. Kinda makes the head spin doesn't it.

Hope I didn't get too philosophical on ya'll folkies. I guess we all just need to step back when a relationship is proving difficult and try and assess the difference in perspectives. What matters to the person I am having trouble with? What matters to me? Am I reading into this too much because I believe that what matters to me matters to them? What can be done to find a middle ground?

All good questions hmmm? By the Gods it'd be great if we had the time or the mentality to be processing that every time we had a difficulty with another person. World would run a lot smoother.

Still, when one is granted time in the future to think about a situation before it either escalates or is diffused, one might be wise to ask oneself a few of those questions, one might be surprised about ones answers.

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of
trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success
achieved."
-Helen Keller

FallenPhoenix

Moonlit Creativity: Reality Revision

My sleeping patterns, while never really "pattern-like" have been somewhat sporadic over the last few days. I've been spending the day sleeping, and spending my nights working on a new D&D campaign that I'm preparing for Wagga. As far as I know, I'm doing an enourmous amount of work considering I'm preparing it only for two roommates who doubtlessly wont take it near as seriously as I do, but hey, there is a chance I could be wrong. I'll keep you all posted.

This campaign is unlike any other concept I've ever explored in an RPG before, the original idea coming off an RPG game of little consequence and then being tailored to fit what I like about the D&D game mechanics. Best yet, I had to do absolutely no tweaking of the normal D&D game mechanics to get the concept to work, which is something I am not really used to. The concept is very different, and my two little guinea pigs are going to be thrown into something very very different from the average party play that is D&D, but I always like doing something different and it's worth the workload a million times over if it works, so we'll throw ourselves in headfirst and see how it goes.

My sleep patterns are kinda annoying though, I have a lot to do this weekend, and it;s nearly 7am here at the moment, the turn of the hour will mark the 12th hour I've been awake, but I've decided right here and now that I'll be staying up until this evening, because I need to right my bio clock. I'll be ok, I know it, but it might alarm Nells a bit. We'll see.

Lol... random fact, I just looked at my hands and you can tell that I've been working with multiple pens and that I'm right handed, because my hand is mottled with a thousand different pen marks of three different colours. Dunno why I put that in, but it seemed appropriate.

God... looking back on where my journal has come from, so much has changed. Nell and I have been discussing public forum vs. private journal over the last few days and I must say that in part I agree with her and in part I still dispute her. I know that there are things I cannot write in here anymore because of the people who read it, but at the same time, the people who do read this journal get a unique insight into the way that I think, plus it gives ya'll something to do on those evenings where there really isn't anything else. God, aren't I the nicest person.

I've gone from being a piney loser gaping at Ned, to a piney loser in a relationship with Taco, to a piney loser crying over a failing relationship with Taco, to the sad lonely loser my Ancient History teacher predicted I'd become. Mr. T, your my hero.

Oddly enough, I don't feel like much of a loser, as much as I might like to think that I've gained nothing in the last few years, I've been through a lot. The one thing that defines me as a person is that I maintain that good or bad, a situation has to be learnt from. I try my very best to grow with every new day, and I feel like I've come a fair way in the process.

Since starting my journal, I've felt the sting of rejection, I've felt the warmth of waking up next to someone after a night where you were the only thing that mattered to them, I've felt the death of a family member, I've felt the amazing joy of gaining a life long friend, I've felt the cold sorrow of losing a lifelong friend, I've felt the disgust of seeing one of my ex's degrade into something I cannot call a friend anymore, I've felt friendships, close and not so close, transform in the evershifting limbo that is life, I've experianced the wedding of someone who sat in my living room on my 13th birthday as I chanted my first ever ritual to the great god and goddess, I've experianced an emotional gambit which can only be described as mixed, I've lived with six different people for a length of time, I've had the opportunity (and responsibility) of teaching a group of kids a skill they will take with them forever, I've made so many decision about what I want, where I am heading and what I want to be. Most importantly, as I write this, I know that this is a massive step for me. This paragraph, written on a laptop early on a Thursday morning, is a summary of my achievements and experiances over the last three years.

By the gods...

I've been alive for twenty one years, and thats only three years of the experiances that I've had. I've come so far in three years. I can remember being 18 and sitting in my flat thinking that I would never live to see twenty five, but Luke's accident, as well as some silken persuasion from two of my nearest and dearest (and Jassi, dude, your one of them...) has allowed me to see that I have achieved so so much over this time and it aint over yet. I got me so much more to do, so come hell or high water, I'm gonna keep my head up, watching for the horison I know is coming.

Hell, I know I'm not the easiest person. I'm not optimistic and I'm not the type that is going to change thier life because of this little realisation, but this is the main use for a forum such as this. For all of you who may lose faith in me sometimes, take heart, something you've been telling me all along, I've known all along.

Have faith folks, I do.

"You choose to go voluntarily into the fire. The blaze might well destroy you. But if you survive, every blow of the hammer will serve to shape your being. Every drop of water wrung from you will temper and strengthen your soul."
-Margaret Weis, Soulforge

FallenPhoenix

Secrets of the Night: The Fire Flickers

You are:[ x] tall
[] in between
[ ] short
[ ] blonde
[ ] redhead
[ ] brunette
[x] black (or dark brown)
[] blue-eyed
[ ] brown-eyed
[ ] green-eyed
[ ] hazel eyed
[ ] gold eyed
[x] grey eyed
[] glasses
[ ] contacts
[] braces
[] freckles
[ ] piercings
[ ] tattoos
[ ] long hair
[ ] short hair (at the moment)
[x] med. Hair
[ ] Afro (usually)

Your favorite color(s) are?
[ x] red
[] pink
[ ] yellow
[ x]black
[] green
[ ] blue
[ ] white
[ ] silver
[ ] purple
[ ] brown
[ ] orange
[ ] turquoise
[ ] rainbow

Some sports/physical things you have done?

[ ] cheerleading
[x] dancing
[ ] lacross
[x] field hockey
[x] hockey
[ ] football
[x] softball
[ ] wrestling
[x] gymnastics
[x] track/cross country
[x] basketball
[x] baseball
[ ] netball
[x] playing in the mud
[x] playing music
[x] hiking
[ ] kayaking
[ ] camping
[x] horseback riding
[ ] marching band
[x]good ole' fashion sex!
[x]swimming

Your personality is sometimes...

[x] annoying
[x] talkative
[x] shy
[x] funny
[x] serious
[x] bubbly
[x] spazzy
[x] fun-loving
[x] laid back
[ ] strict
[x] hyper
[x] weird

The music you like is?
[ ] rap
[x] rock
[x] pop
[x] pop/rock
[ ]country
[ ] hip hop
[x] r&b
[x] slow jams
[ ] Christian
[x] classical
[x] techno
[x] punk rock
[ ] oldies
[ ] Metal
[ ] reggae
[x] Goth
[x] Latin
[ ] Hawaiin
[x] other

The pets you have are?
[ ] cat
[ ] dog
[ ] lizard
[ ] rat
[ ] ferret
[ ] rabbit
[ ] fish
[ ] Bird
[ ] other

Clothes you like to wear are?
[x] plain tshirts
[ ] hoodies
[x] sneakers
[x] jeans
[ ] pj pants
[x] boxers
[ ] underwear
[ ] watches
[x] thongs( sorry folks, no images, I don’t appreciate either.)
[x] shorts
[ ] skirts
[ ] dresses

How do you like to wear your hair?

[] down
[] ponytail
[ ] pigtails
[x] messy
[ ] half ponytail
[x] curly
[ ] bun
[ ] crimped
[x] with a bandana
[ ] French braids
[] lots of little braids
[ ] gel
[ ] hats
[ ] messy hot guy hair (I like my hair messy, but seriously folks, hot guy :P how pretentious)[ x] sex hair (c’mon folks, it’s hot…)
[ ] fohawk

You're mostly labeled as?
[ ] goth
[ ] emo
[ ] prep
[ ] punk
[ ] hippie
[x] geek
[ ] i have no idea
[x] random

You eat?

[ ] dessert every night
[] not much meat.
[ ] diet stuff
[ ] healthy foods
[x] junk foods
[ ] a lot of carbs
[ ] lots of meat
[ ] salad
[ ] seafood
[ ] lots of food
[ ] what i want

A typical friday night...

[ ] mall with your friends
[ ] partying
[x] watching movies
[ ] going to the club
[x] staying home
[ ] babysitting and getting $$
[x] hanging out w/ my friends
[] working while your friends are out having fun
[ ]going to freo (umm… am I the only person who has no idea…)

Currently you are...

[ ] in a relationship
[x] single
[x] crushing (feelings are feelings…)
[x] single and looking for someone
[ ] just broke up....

Online, you use:

[X] lol
[ ] sup
[ ] =D
[x] lmao
[ ] ttyl
[ ] g2g
[x] ^.^
[ ] T_T
[ ] x_x
[x] ^_^
[ ] orly
[ ] rotl

Did you like this survey?

[ ]yeah
[ ] no!
[ ] it was ok
[x] it was something to do
[ ] wut
[ ] i dono

whats most important in a friendship?

[x]trust
[x]honesty
[ ]funniness
[ ]seriousnes
[ ] i have no friends

if you could be a super hero,what powers would you have?

[ ]flying power
[ ]strength
[ ]smartness
[x]magical powers (how innane… a little universal doesn’t one think -_-)

if you went to a dress up party tonite,what would you dress up as?

[ ]pirate
[ ]fairy
[x]gothic
[ ]80's style
[ ]black person
[ ]pj's
[x]w/e in the wardrobe

what do you look for in a guy/girl?

[x]eyes
[ ]body
[x]voice
[ ]tallness
[ ]shortness
[XXXX]intelligence
[x] personality
[x] funniness
[ ] smile
[ ]i dont know

if you could be a crayon,what colour would you be?
[ ]black
[X]red
[ ]orange
[ ]yellow
[ ]green
[ ] blue
[ ]purple
[ ]pink
[]silver
[ ]gold
[] rainbow

So folks, I’ve been sitting here thinking about the year to come and it’s going to be an interesting journey to say the very least. I am just realising that I have two new people to get used to living with. It’s not exactly going to be as simple as I seem to be thinking either. Both Nell and Ned have completely different energies to Jas and Ranbir, and it’s going to take some time adjusting to what they like and how they show their different moods. Jassi was fairly straightforward and (guys, even after this, I love you) neither of my two new roomies can claim to be that.

Anyways, I have an entire week to start to adjust myself to be more mutable. Just be like rubber, let things bounce around you for a while, see where it goes, then mould to take your new shape. That’s the way the world goes.

What else is big in my life at the moment. Not much has been happening for me. I have a few concerns running through my head, but for once, I’m gonna actually have a think about them before I go posting them out to the world. If they are just illusions hiding from view like I feel they are, then I need to realise that before I go hurting people by posting on this now not so secure forum.

I’m not having a go at anyone or anything, but the true purpose of this journal has been kinda polluted, and I’m sure a lot of people who have journals can relate to me when I say this. It becomes too much of a public forum at times and the fact that the journal entries on blogger cannot be made private makes one think twice about writing things specifically about people who frequent the site. See, I can’t complain, I gave this address to almost every other person who has it, but still, It’s an interesting conundrum. I don’t want to alarm anyone, I’m not thinking about anyone or anything specific, but it’s something to note. Perhaps this is no longer a journal for my feelings so much as a billboard for all of you guys to get an insight on what goes on in my head. Not exactly what I first intended, but useful nonetheless.

Anyways folkies, I’m meant to be heading to bed soon, so I should probably depart. I’ll leave you all with quotes and bid you adeui.

Actually before I forget, an update on Luke. Apparently, the parish priest at my home town has told the catholic women’s league that Luke’s head injuries are more severe than was previously thought and his chances aren’t looking good. Once more, my prayers and my energies go out to the poor boy. Luke dude, hang in there, you’ve got a lot left to experience, fight for life…

"Fear less, hope more;
Whine less, breathe more;
Talk less, say more;
Hate less, love more;
And all good things are yours."
-Swedish Proverb

FallenPhoenix

The Modern Mirror: A Life in the Balance

Who am I? I am Steve

Where am I? Sitting at my new place here on Thorne St, Wagga.

What am I doing? Filling out this survey just because it’s grossly out of date, and because a Witchhunter suggested it.

What is my name? Steven Wayne James (last name omitted for privacy reasons)

How old am I? Twenty One Years and two months.

Where was I born? Canterbury Hospital, Sydney, Australia

Where do I live? Between University in Wagga and my home in Leeton, N.S.W

What are my social, financial and political circumstances and beliefs?

Social : My social beliefs have remained more or less unchanged throughout the years. Friends are important, and it’s important to try and reach out beyond thse who you call your close friends at times as well. People have so much to offer, and I feel like there is more wisdom to be gained by watching people than by reading a thousand books.

Financial: People take money far too seriously, and that is something I find a serious shortcoming of our species. People need to put things into perspective. Money is just money, it doesn’t rule your life unless you let it.

Political: Politics still doesn’t play a huge part in my life. I believe that people need to have a voice, and I believe that as long as we have a right to vote on the people who run our nation, that we will be just fine. Sure there are some people in politics who really shouldn’t be, but lets do a perspective check, every profession has that.

If I were an animal, what would I be? I reckon I’d still be a dog. I like the idea of companionship and I like the loyalty and pure ruggedness of a dog. Yup, I like dogs.

If I were an element (earth, air, fire, water) what would I be? Fire. I am deeply spiritual, and my astrological element is fire. I believe that I am a prime example of this element, with the power to create or destroy but not the control to choose.

What are my physical characteristics? I am tall but surprisingly agile for my height. I have massive legs (from many years spent on an Olympic trampoline) and a underbuilt upper body. As such I am not exactly proportioned and I am way too lazy to get off my butt and do anything about it. I am not fat but I sure as hell aint skinny. I feel that I am maintaining an optimal weight at the present time.

What are my likes and dislikes?

Likes: Fire, fantasy, Food, performing arts, music, warmth, strength of character, soul-jarring conversations with someone you really trust.

Dislikes: Being pushed around, close-minded people, being hungry, shallowness, deceit.

What opinion do you hold dear? I am my own person and there aint no-one on this earth that has the power to change who I am but myself. I will be who I am forever and that's a fact.

What do I do to achieve this? I often speak my mind at inappropriate times and am a free spirit with the majority of my actions. I take constructive criticism about myself but will not follow a crowd or fashion if I don't like it, regardless of the social and ethical costs.

What do I do each day? Usually, with uni on, I’ll get up an hour before uni, have a shower get dressed, maybe get a bite to eat if I’m running on time and go. At the moment however, my days are very whim like… I do what I want when I want… within respectable boundaries.

What are my hobbies? At the moment, my biggest hobby is Dungeons and Dragons. It takes a lot of time though, so I don’t have much time for anything else. My life is about other people at the moment, even D&D serves people. Doesn’t anyone notice that… :P

What am I wearing? Why? I’m wearing a dark green polo shirt which Rachel’s parents got me for christmas. I really like it. I’m also wearing a pair of tan cargo shorts which I got from my grandmother for chirstmas. I’m wearing them because I’m told they look good and because it’s like a million degrees more outside.

What is in my pockets? Why? I have a set of keys, both to my flat in Leeton and to the place here. I don’t know where my set of keys got to, but these ones are Ned’s. I also have my wallet, because it’s a wallet and if you don’t have ine your sad, or poor. Lastly I have my phone with it’s new holden phone cover. Seeing as it flew off the back of toddy and got run over by a car, I figured it would be only fitting to see an ode to cars every time I look at my phone.

What are two extreme points of my personality? Well, Nell says I’m bipolar. I have this intense need to help people, but I refuse help from others when I really need it. It’s kinda an extreme sort of shift, and it makes me look hypocritical. I’m comfortable with that…

What is my life objective? To be a success. In money, love and hopefully career.

What is my status/relationship to other people? I try to treat other people with respect regardless of circumstance or relationship, but I find myself increasingly more paranoid around people I don’t know. I just seem to assume the worst of strangers and meeting new people makes me nervous. It’s odd.

What are the three most important events that have occurred in my life? To me the most important thing that ever happened to me was the disintergration of a group of friends who I had been friends with all through junior high. I got kicked out of the group because someone suspected I was gay, something I was running with at the time, and it was through this break down of my friendship group that I was able to fully experience life alone through school. It taught me a lot of things and I finally settled down into a new group of friends who actually respected me for who I was (not that they knew any of the rumours were true yet) and in this group were both Ned and Tam. I’ve lost contact with Tam over a stupid fight, but Ned and I are closer than ever.

The second most important event to happen in my life was slightly before the first, in the meeting of Jarrod. Jarrod was a member of the aforementioned friendship group but he and I had been friends since primary school and he gave me a lot more benefit of the doubt. He and I still remained friends after the whole incident and to this day we still hang out. He is 100% straight (which I cannot deny being disappointed about) and although he is just coming out of a messy relationship with Jess, my closest cousin and someone I treat as my little sister, he and I remain close.

I’ll change the last one, I believe now that meeting Lynelle was another single important thing in my life. She’s only very new to me, I’ve known her well for less than a year, but she has changed so much about who I am and the way I act. He has influenced so much positive change from me, and I see her being a big influence on my life until she can’t put up with me anymore…

The most beautiful part of my body is... my eyes. I like them, they communicate so much more than the words I viel. An easy to way to tell anything about me is to watch my eyes, you will find them the true way to judge anything I say. My eyes give away my emotions, something my words cannot viel. You just have to learn how to read them.

Happiness to me is... the freedom to do what you think is right free of societies or even other peoples beliefs.

The thing I most want to do before I die is... say that I have loved someone and that they have returned it. It might be a small thing but in my books, that's real and important to me.The most embarrassed I ever was... was probably when I was very little. I don't get embarrassed easily, because I've been acting all my life and due to my perpetual cynicism, I am one tough cookie. Talk about your 30ft stone walls.

The ugliest part of my body is... Probably still my hair… it’s growing long, which I like, but it’s all fuzzy and gross, which I don’t like. I keep looking at it, thinking there must be something I can do with it to make it better… no idea folks.

The thing I like best about myself... is my ability to rise to my feet regardless of the crisis at hand. There has not been a single situation in my life where I have not known exactly what to do. Granted sometimes took longer than others but I have moved though everything as I got it, without stopping. I feel that's a real life skill and something a lot of people need to develop. (not to say there aren't a billion different things I have to develop). This is the main reason for my handle: Phoenix.

Pain to me is... the unbearable loneliness that creeps into your soul at 3am some idle Tuesday morning and regardless of how hard you try to shake it claws away at your very being until there is nothing left but a desicated husk void of all emotion and spirit.

My mother/grandmother/female caretaker or w/e... Taught me... the true meaning of respect. My grandmother is a beautiful woman and respect to her is a very important thing. As such I prioritise it highly as well and that is something I will always thank her for.

The thing I regret most is... the four years of my life I wasted wishing that I was somebody else. In all seriousness, I realise now that that was the biggest waste of time possible. It was unavoidable at the time but I regret that I didn't have the strength of mind, the presence of character and the power of will to break out of it and accept who I was a lot sooner. If I had have, my teenage years could have been a lot better.

The most secret thing about me is... my ability to manipulate people, both mentally and emotionally. This was another tough question and sad to say I could only come up with a negative answer. Very few people know when I play them mentally or emotionally. I have always used my natural born intellect to control situations to my liking and people have never really noticed it. This is a great shame because I could use my intelligence for so many other purposes... But what can you do, we are who we are.

I can hear my father/grandfather/ male caretakers voice speaking through my own when I say... Thankyou! This was an insanely difficult one. My grandfather is a many of very few words but the words he says he means. As such, I almost never say thankyou an a lot of people think I am being rude by omitting it in my every day speech. This is not my intention, I only ever say Thankyou when I mean it. This goes for a lot of other things as well... The important things in life don't need to be said over and over until they are done to death, they need to be said every so often and meant!

Love to me is... when two people accept each other into thier lives without fear of persecution. Each person maintains thier individuality but the strength of the bond between the two are strong enough to challenge all else. Love is when two people trust and respect each other explicitly and without question. Love is beautiful. Love is... Love... I guess...

The thing I am most proud of is... that my friends all seem to be progressing into a period where they no longer need me as a guide. For so many years I helped them with deep seeded issues and it looks as though I have completely out-lived my usefulness. I am so proud of all of them for learning from thier mistakes and not making new ones. Well Done Guys!! Now if only I could work that well on myself...

Every time I don't get what I want I tell myself... Meh! What can you do. We do not control every aspect of our fates. There are times when little we do matters because the end result is decided by someone else. It is times like these where you have to sit back, sigh, and continue on with your life. Dwelling on things we cannot change does much more harm than good. As I told a friend of mine just yesterday, "... Hatred is such a negative emotion... And it achieves nothing... I'd rather continue a positive relationship with someone than a wilily negative one... that's a strong belief of mine"

If you could hear the music in me... I would expect all of you to sing along. The music within me is for all of you guys… just listen. It’s not as silent as all of you seem to thing.

I want my epitaph to be... (for those who don't know what an epitaph is, it's what will be written on your gravestone) "If the only way we can be together is in my dreams, then I'll sleep forever".

I was informed this evening that one of my old D&D players was in a serious car accident last night and has been airlifted to Sydney. I'm scared for him, because they say that it was a bad accident and he is in a bad way. Luke, dude, your in my prayers, I hope everything goes ok for you matey. Your a fighter, stay strong.

I don't have much else to say. I am eaitng a gorgeous stir-fry made my Nell. it's so much fun taunting her. :P I love it.

"Respect human talent, respond to genius, recognize reality, admire truth and beauty, realize the meaning of the rare flower Reason."
-Peter Nivio Zarlenga, The Orator, "Flight", 1977

FallenPhoenix

Music of the Soul: A Final Sunset

Summer is drawing closer and closer to a close and soon classes will start back up again. I wonder whether this summer has been as memorable as the last three or not. I can remember my last three summers vividly, so much stuff happened in both of them, and this summer feels monumental, but not memorable. Like, I know that moving into my new place here in Wagga is something that is going to impact on the rest of my life, just as last years move did, but nothing truly memorable, except perhaps my first trip to Western Australia happened.

In other news, I now have a halfway decent internet connection up and running, so I feel so much safer knowing that we have a dedicated internet service running. Means that when Uni starts in a fortnight that both Ned and I will have the resources we need, even if we do not yet have a computer each, to do the things we need.

I finally got my phone bill paid off *jumps for joy* with Ranbir paying me my bond not a day after I asked for it from him, which is great. I really needed that bill off my back and both my old roomies came through with flying colours, I'm a happy camper.

What else is new. Nell got her massage course. I have complete faith in her ability to acheive the results that she wants from this course. We both know it's not an easy course and it's going to require a lot of dedication on her part to succeed, but I know my girl and I know she will do everything in her power to make this opportunity happen for her. This was a lucky break to get into the course she was looking for and I'm sure she's got what it takes to make it, regardless of the opinions of others.

Ned is going to be moving her permanently in a fortnight as O-week starts and he gets into uni life. I must say that looking back over two and a half years of journal entries, the day I saw Ned walk into the same university as me didn't seem like it was ever going to come, but between myself and his family, we gave him the push he needed to get him here, I just hope to the gods that this is what he wants. I can't help sensing a certain melancholy over the boy since we signed on this place, like a great deal of his freedom has been removed from him. I hope we did the right thing.

Anyways folks, I have plenty to be doing and a hot spell just swept over this part of the unit, so I am afriad I must depart. I'll see thee all anon.

"Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you,
surprise you, disappoint you, but they can't prevent you from acting, from
taking the situation you're presented with and moving on. No matter where you
are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You
always have a choice and the choice can be power."
-Blaine Lee, The Power Principle

FallenPhoenix