I loved this little game so much that I stole it. Thats all thats going to be in the post. Have fun folks, this is great ^^.
01.. Post a list of up to 20 books/movies/anime/T.V. shows/video games/etc. that you've had an obsessive fannish love of at some time in your life.
02.. Have your friends list guess your favourite character from each item.Righto.
01. Lufia- SNES
02. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
03. Dragonball Z
04. Sailor Moon - English Translation Version
05. The Elenium and Tamulii Series - David and Leigh Eddings
06. Stormfront - Online Story
07. E.R -All Seasons
08. Zelda: Ocarina of Time
09. Questing - The Game We all know and Love.
10. StarGate SG1
11. The Belgaraid and Mallorean Series - David and Leigh Eddings
12. X-Men - Comic Books Versions
13. X-men - Movie Version
14. Ragnarok iRo - Yes darling, it does count.
15. Mario Bros 2 - NES
16. Matthew Figures It Out - Online Story
17. Arjuna
18. Soul Calibur 2 & 3
19. Tekken 5 & Tag
20. Lord of the Rings Movies
Ok folks, I'll post the answers in about a month or so. I love this idea, thankyou herbeautifuldespair.
FallenPhoenix
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Limit Break: End of the Fuse
My my, isn't this going to be fucking interesting.
Ok, so we know right from the outset that this is not going to be one of those hearty posts full of light and goodness. Congratuations if you've worked this out so far, I'm impressed.
Lets just say that I'm going to reveal some unceretain truths to all those people that have been stoicly watching this space to hear a little bit about whats going on in my life. For once, I figure, I might as well be completely honest with the folks out there that seem to actually want to know what the hell is going on. I'm not entirely sure that all of you are going to want to hear this, and I'm sure that some of you will make more sense out of this than others, but thats going to have to be enough for now. There's a lot to say, and while, for a change I don't have limited time to say it, this will be relatively brief.
Lets just say that the giant combination lock that is my self-control actually broke today, and as much as certain people will likely want to blame themselves for it, there was no single incident which made this the case. It was a combination, a *gropes for words* cocktail, if you will, of fucked up little peices which made the whole thing that much sweeter.
I would very much like to go through this and just word vomit, letting everyone know exactly what is in my mind, exactly what is going on to make me want to laugh and cry, scream and whisper all at the same time. Luckily for several people that read this, and more than that who don't, I'm not going to go into the gory little details. I'll even give you a reason for this, and it's even true. First and foremost, I hate confrontations, and I guarun-damn-tee that me going and blurting everything is going to cause more than a few. Secondly, while my self-control has been eroded to the point where I am comfortable actually telling the truth on my own fucking blog (who'd have guessed, what a crazy idea), my common sense is quite intact, so I'll not be mentioning things which will get me in trouble. Well... that might not be entirely true, but we'll see... nothing... life changing...
I make such a big deal about trying to help my friends, and I act so mature and all fucking high and mighty all the time, and guess what folks, it's all an act. I've been here at uni for the better part of four years and I can count the number of subjects I have successfully completed in this time on one and a half hands. I can talk my way out of a pit, but even my excuses have started to run a little thin. Granted that some of the reasons that I used were once upon a time completely legitimate, now, they are complete and utter bullshit. I've done a lot of soul searching over the past month or so, and anyone who knows me will tell me straight out that thats generally a bad idea. Any time I am left to my own devices, I generally end up a quivering mess who cannot seem to recall how he got there... I'm not quivering yet, and I know where I am at for now, so we are in no danger at this present time.
So my uni life is floundering. We have that down. Understood. Excellent. Next point. My last relationship was with a 16yr old guy, which ended almost a year and a half ago. I have had chances for relationships almost 5 times since then, yet I feel more or less entirely alone now, and have since I left my last relationship. Now, lets have a look at why I turned down all of these potential relationships. Was it because of the fact that I didn't feel the same way about the people who were doing the asking? In some of those cases, yes. Was it because the people asking were too far away to make a relationship feasible? In some cases, once again yes. Overeall however, was it because I've been pining over a relationship I keep trying to tell myself I know isn't going to happen. Yeah, I'd say thats a fairly good part of each of those.
Ok, so I need to get out more. Despite my failure here at uni, I've been away from home almost four years, and thats fantastic. One would suggest perhaps that I would have met some new friends while I have been over here, some new people that I could hang out with and perhaps connect with. I can tell you now that I have not met a single person during my university life whom I have conversed with more than I absolutely had to. Now, this could be because I have a personality which is incompatible with everyone else at Charles Sturt, but I am willing to bet that this is probably not the case. I'll put money to the fact that I am scared to go out and socialise for some unknown reason. Yes, yes there it is, I am actually scared to go out and socialise. Alcohol plays a part but not always, and I can't link it to every situation where I have felt the feeling I usually do. I have spent the last four years trying to tell myself that it was the alcohol which made me want to stay away from people I didn't know, but I think it runs far deeper than this.
Now, lets get something straight as I continue to ramble. I'm going to post this as is, and I'm not going to read over it before hand. I want you to know that I have not been drinking, I am not on drugs and my mood has not been altered in any way, be it magical or mundane.
Moving on, I want to try and explore a little, if I may, the reason why I seem so uncomfortable in situations like this. It could very well be something I am entirely missing, but I feel an intense lack of control whenever I am in a situation where there are people I don't know. I have gone out of my way since high-school to surround myself with people I thought I could trust, and when situations arise where I cannot trust people I seize up. I am hopelessly inept at rectifying the situation as well. I just completely freeze up and flee the situation in question, usually completely unconvincingly. One would then hazard an imperceptive guess that perhaps this made me feel better by leaving these situations, but I often feel much much worse, leaving them feeling weak, stupid and completely useless. I appear so stronhg and so stubborn, trying desperately at times to show that I stand for what people believe to be my beliefs, but in actuality, standing for some of the things that I invest myself in comes sometimes out of a need to prove that I am standing for something rather than out of actual conviction. I'm not going into examples, my mind is racing too fast for that.
Basically at the moment, I see myself in a giant wrought-iron cage, with bars thin enough to see out of but no room to squeeze through. Do you people see me as a happy person, someone who has fun and is confident and smart and relatively secure in thier future. It's interesting isn't it, looking at it now and seeing how trapped I at least feel, if not appear. The most fun I have had in the longest time came with the summing up of the Re:Generate festival, which turned out to be a large success. I put a lot of heart and a lot of work into that festival, and the success that was granted to me was actually a really nice feeling. I had fun. It was nice. In the end however, I turned even that against me, in the silent war which is my mind, and it became a flash of colour in a sea of black. How droll.
Another thing I want to get perfectly clear right from the outset. I have been to see professional help for the amount of mental stress I have placed myself under. I am not depressed, and I thank the Lord and Lady for that. Depression to me seems so languid, almost like drowning in tar. I'm sure somewhere inside of me lurks the power to break through everything which is going on inside my head. I'm sure that I and I alone have this power, this potential energy brimming inside of me, I just need to find a key right.
I'm not depressed, because I have hope for the future, and I know it rests wholly and solely in my hand.
You know, I've done so many things over the last six months that I swore I would never do. In a fit of passion, and not the kind that everyone is thinking, I actually did harm to myself this semester. I cut my own skin with a razorblade, and I watched as my own lifeblood trickled down my arm. I did this several times over the course of three days. The people that know that this happened believed that I did this in a state of non-chalance, a pleasant cushion of black. Not so. If any colour featured in my head at that stage, it was red. I did it out of anger, rage and hate. Directed at myself mostly. It gets more interesting however. I promised myself that I would never harm myself in this way, and in the end, I know now why I did it. It was because of the promise that I made myself. I broke it because I have broken many promises to myself and I figured at the time that one more would hardly be an issue. I did it to spite myself, and it worked.
Luckily for me, my mind is an intensely powerful tool, and I have both read and seen that self-harm can be an addictive practice. I have felt the pull of the razor that I tried desperately to give away at the time many times over the course of the last three months, but I have done what I needed to do with it, and finally made peace with it this evening.
The razor is back in my possession, but I've dealt with why I used it, and I know now, in the core of my being, that it will never be used again.
I have no scars to show the promise I broke, I was too careful for that. You know, thats actually slightly dissapointing, sitting here. I feel like I've ripped myself off almost. No matter, whats done is done.
In the end, I want this post to achieve one thing and one thing only, and that is to highlight something to all you people who feel that what has been going on in my posts was all that was going on. I know for the majority most of you knew there was stuff bubbling beneath the surface. Congrats on the pick up, but I couldn't have explained it then. For some of you, this might come as a complete shock, I don't even really apologise. Pay more attention to whats being said, the signs are all there if you pay enough attention.
Having said that, the Phoenix Process begins again, reborn with it's original intention, to be a space where I can explode my feelings onto the page without issue. A place where I can come to bitch, to whine, to talk, to cry, to laugh, to shout, to congratulate, to love, to hate, and to be me.
Let my world burn to the ground for all I care. I know I'll still be here when the smoke clears. I can survive on my own, but thats an awfully lonely prospect. In the words of a good friend of mine.
Let us see where this takes us...
FallenPhoenix
Ok, so we know right from the outset that this is not going to be one of those hearty posts full of light and goodness. Congratuations if you've worked this out so far, I'm impressed.
Lets just say that I'm going to reveal some unceretain truths to all those people that have been stoicly watching this space to hear a little bit about whats going on in my life. For once, I figure, I might as well be completely honest with the folks out there that seem to actually want to know what the hell is going on. I'm not entirely sure that all of you are going to want to hear this, and I'm sure that some of you will make more sense out of this than others, but thats going to have to be enough for now. There's a lot to say, and while, for a change I don't have limited time to say it, this will be relatively brief.
Lets just say that the giant combination lock that is my self-control actually broke today, and as much as certain people will likely want to blame themselves for it, there was no single incident which made this the case. It was a combination, a *gropes for words* cocktail, if you will, of fucked up little peices which made the whole thing that much sweeter.
I would very much like to go through this and just word vomit, letting everyone know exactly what is in my mind, exactly what is going on to make me want to laugh and cry, scream and whisper all at the same time. Luckily for several people that read this, and more than that who don't, I'm not going to go into the gory little details. I'll even give you a reason for this, and it's even true. First and foremost, I hate confrontations, and I guarun-damn-tee that me going and blurting everything is going to cause more than a few. Secondly, while my self-control has been eroded to the point where I am comfortable actually telling the truth on my own fucking blog (who'd have guessed, what a crazy idea), my common sense is quite intact, so I'll not be mentioning things which will get me in trouble. Well... that might not be entirely true, but we'll see... nothing... life changing...
I make such a big deal about trying to help my friends, and I act so mature and all fucking high and mighty all the time, and guess what folks, it's all an act. I've been here at uni for the better part of four years and I can count the number of subjects I have successfully completed in this time on one and a half hands. I can talk my way out of a pit, but even my excuses have started to run a little thin. Granted that some of the reasons that I used were once upon a time completely legitimate, now, they are complete and utter bullshit. I've done a lot of soul searching over the past month or so, and anyone who knows me will tell me straight out that thats generally a bad idea. Any time I am left to my own devices, I generally end up a quivering mess who cannot seem to recall how he got there... I'm not quivering yet, and I know where I am at for now, so we are in no danger at this present time.
So my uni life is floundering. We have that down. Understood. Excellent. Next point. My last relationship was with a 16yr old guy, which ended almost a year and a half ago. I have had chances for relationships almost 5 times since then, yet I feel more or less entirely alone now, and have since I left my last relationship. Now, lets have a look at why I turned down all of these potential relationships. Was it because of the fact that I didn't feel the same way about the people who were doing the asking? In some of those cases, yes. Was it because the people asking were too far away to make a relationship feasible? In some cases, once again yes. Overeall however, was it because I've been pining over a relationship I keep trying to tell myself I know isn't going to happen. Yeah, I'd say thats a fairly good part of each of those.
Ok, so I need to get out more. Despite my failure here at uni, I've been away from home almost four years, and thats fantastic. One would suggest perhaps that I would have met some new friends while I have been over here, some new people that I could hang out with and perhaps connect with. I can tell you now that I have not met a single person during my university life whom I have conversed with more than I absolutely had to. Now, this could be because I have a personality which is incompatible with everyone else at Charles Sturt, but I am willing to bet that this is probably not the case. I'll put money to the fact that I am scared to go out and socialise for some unknown reason. Yes, yes there it is, I am actually scared to go out and socialise. Alcohol plays a part but not always, and I can't link it to every situation where I have felt the feeling I usually do. I have spent the last four years trying to tell myself that it was the alcohol which made me want to stay away from people I didn't know, but I think it runs far deeper than this.
Now, lets get something straight as I continue to ramble. I'm going to post this as is, and I'm not going to read over it before hand. I want you to know that I have not been drinking, I am not on drugs and my mood has not been altered in any way, be it magical or mundane.
Moving on, I want to try and explore a little, if I may, the reason why I seem so uncomfortable in situations like this. It could very well be something I am entirely missing, but I feel an intense lack of control whenever I am in a situation where there are people I don't know. I have gone out of my way since high-school to surround myself with people I thought I could trust, and when situations arise where I cannot trust people I seize up. I am hopelessly inept at rectifying the situation as well. I just completely freeze up and flee the situation in question, usually completely unconvincingly. One would then hazard an imperceptive guess that perhaps this made me feel better by leaving these situations, but I often feel much much worse, leaving them feeling weak, stupid and completely useless. I appear so stronhg and so stubborn, trying desperately at times to show that I stand for what people believe to be my beliefs, but in actuality, standing for some of the things that I invest myself in comes sometimes out of a need to prove that I am standing for something rather than out of actual conviction. I'm not going into examples, my mind is racing too fast for that.
Basically at the moment, I see myself in a giant wrought-iron cage, with bars thin enough to see out of but no room to squeeze through. Do you people see me as a happy person, someone who has fun and is confident and smart and relatively secure in thier future. It's interesting isn't it, looking at it now and seeing how trapped I at least feel, if not appear. The most fun I have had in the longest time came with the summing up of the Re:Generate festival, which turned out to be a large success. I put a lot of heart and a lot of work into that festival, and the success that was granted to me was actually a really nice feeling. I had fun. It was nice. In the end however, I turned even that against me, in the silent war which is my mind, and it became a flash of colour in a sea of black. How droll.
Another thing I want to get perfectly clear right from the outset. I have been to see professional help for the amount of mental stress I have placed myself under. I am not depressed, and I thank the Lord and Lady for that. Depression to me seems so languid, almost like drowning in tar. I'm sure somewhere inside of me lurks the power to break through everything which is going on inside my head. I'm sure that I and I alone have this power, this potential energy brimming inside of me, I just need to find a key right.
I'm not depressed, because I have hope for the future, and I know it rests wholly and solely in my hand.
You know, I've done so many things over the last six months that I swore I would never do. In a fit of passion, and not the kind that everyone is thinking, I actually did harm to myself this semester. I cut my own skin with a razorblade, and I watched as my own lifeblood trickled down my arm. I did this several times over the course of three days. The people that know that this happened believed that I did this in a state of non-chalance, a pleasant cushion of black. Not so. If any colour featured in my head at that stage, it was red. I did it out of anger, rage and hate. Directed at myself mostly. It gets more interesting however. I promised myself that I would never harm myself in this way, and in the end, I know now why I did it. It was because of the promise that I made myself. I broke it because I have broken many promises to myself and I figured at the time that one more would hardly be an issue. I did it to spite myself, and it worked.
Luckily for me, my mind is an intensely powerful tool, and I have both read and seen that self-harm can be an addictive practice. I have felt the pull of the razor that I tried desperately to give away at the time many times over the course of the last three months, but I have done what I needed to do with it, and finally made peace with it this evening.
The razor is back in my possession, but I've dealt with why I used it, and I know now, in the core of my being, that it will never be used again.
I have no scars to show the promise I broke, I was too careful for that. You know, thats actually slightly dissapointing, sitting here. I feel like I've ripped myself off almost. No matter, whats done is done.
In the end, I want this post to achieve one thing and one thing only, and that is to highlight something to all you people who feel that what has been going on in my posts was all that was going on. I know for the majority most of you knew there was stuff bubbling beneath the surface. Congrats on the pick up, but I couldn't have explained it then. For some of you, this might come as a complete shock, I don't even really apologise. Pay more attention to whats being said, the signs are all there if you pay enough attention.
Having said that, the Phoenix Process begins again, reborn with it's original intention, to be a space where I can explode my feelings onto the page without issue. A place where I can come to bitch, to whine, to talk, to cry, to laugh, to shout, to congratulate, to love, to hate, and to be me.
Let my world burn to the ground for all I care. I know I'll still be here when the smoke clears. I can survive on my own, but thats an awfully lonely prospect. In the words of a good friend of mine.
Let us see where this takes us...
FallenPhoenix
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Heart of Fantasy: Dreams of Success
So, i decided I'd do a post right now and I'm not entirely sure why. I'm exceptionally tired at the moment, and it's all because the D&D workshops for the Regenerate Youth Festival here in Wagga have been a stunning success. I'm happy to say that everything seems to be going relatively well, and although tommorow marks the last day of the workshops, I think we'll get some genuine interest out of it all.
Having said that, as usual, all is not rosy in my world at the moment. Basically, I'm sick of fighting battles against shadows. Thats the thought running through my head at this time, and I dont really have the energy or the inclination to explain it. Those of you who understand my thought patterns, and you know who you are, are likely, you'll know what I mean.
Man I just feel like leaving this at the couple of meager paragraphs that I've cooked up and just go and find some place warm to drool, but I don't really have the luxury at the moment. Tommorows big session starts late, and if I go to bed now, I wont really be ready for it. Again, you have to be in my head to understand that, though I think I already explained that to one of you.
Oh, on a random note, the Phoenix Sub-Column thingie is being discontinued. The more I look at it, the more I think it's a wanky idea that I can't be bothered upkeeping. I'm not interested in my own issues, so I wouldn't expect any of you to have more than perhaps a passing interest in any of mine. Your all welcome to continue to dechiper my names, because, yes, they all still have meaning.
On a random note, Jarrod shows promise (give it like six years >.<) and Ben needs to take 100mg of humility before he can make any sort of useful DM.
Yeah I'm done now...
FallenPhoenix
Having said that, as usual, all is not rosy in my world at the moment. Basically, I'm sick of fighting battles against shadows. Thats the thought running through my head at this time, and I dont really have the energy or the inclination to explain it. Those of you who understand my thought patterns, and you know who you are, are likely, you'll know what I mean.
Man I just feel like leaving this at the couple of meager paragraphs that I've cooked up and just go and find some place warm to drool, but I don't really have the luxury at the moment. Tommorows big session starts late, and if I go to bed now, I wont really be ready for it. Again, you have to be in my head to understand that, though I think I already explained that to one of you.
Oh, on a random note, the Phoenix Sub-Column thingie is being discontinued. The more I look at it, the more I think it's a wanky idea that I can't be bothered upkeeping. I'm not interested in my own issues, so I wouldn't expect any of you to have more than perhaps a passing interest in any of mine. Your all welcome to continue to dechiper my names, because, yes, they all still have meaning.
On a random note, Jarrod shows promise (give it like six years >.<) and Ben needs to take 100mg of humility before he can make any sort of useful DM.
Yeah I'm done now...
"All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses
of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of
the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to
make them possible."
-Thomas Edward Lawrence (of Arabia)
FallenPhoenix
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