“You know, after all the trials and tribulations of the last few days I am actually feeling really good. I must admit that it doesn’t happen as often as it should, but tonight, after a really crap couple of days, I’m doing really well. Perhaps the Great Lord and Lady are helping me already, I’m not sure, but I like it.”
Till tomorrow folks.
FallenPhoenix
- Update -
Lets try and rekindle some of the post I made last night...
Ok, so Tim came online right at the right time. I got to talk to him for quite a while last night actually, and it's exactly what I needed. I had just had two sad and a little depressing talks with Nell and Ned, because of thier distance and them both wanting to help me, and then Tim shows up and literally parts the clouds. We had a great time chatting, and it made me literally forget why I was having such a bad time. For all the complications in my life, Tim and my relationship is so very simple, it's a connection I've taken for granted, but the last three times we have talked, he has interrupted a really bad day and made me laugh, and I like that in a person.
I think I'm looking in the wrong places for happiness. I used to think that I needed a physical relationship to be happy, but I am beginning to realise that this is not entirely true. As important as physicality is, it's not the be all and end all of a relationship, and I need to be completely comfortable with a person before I enter into any type of lasting relationship with them, and I am only now beginning to realise how hard it is for me to be completely comfortable with every aspect of a person.
Happiness for me as been a very elusive subject over the last couple of years, and I am not saying that it's something thats going to be coming into my life any time soon, but I think I need to actually open my eyes and see the world again, to stop being so damn focused on things that really aren't going to change just because I want them too. I have so many skills, so many talents that I'm not using because I want something I can never have, and I need to refocus and start actually using these to be happy.
I cannot begin until my mind is in the right place, but I am already changing, I can feel it. Thank the Lord and Lady with every passing breath.
"Light creates shadow, light destroys shadow, such is the transience of darkness..."
-Unknown
Fallen Phoenix
3 comments:
Cher ami,
No one deserves happiness more than you do. You may not see it that way, but those around you do. Just remember that the only person that can make you happy is you. Change is a powerful tool, don't let it go to waste.
jusqu'à la fois prochaine, cher coeur
Sorry it's in french, but some things I have trouble saying. I am sure you will be able to translate it no problems.
Cher coeur,
Dieu ne me donnera davantage jamais que je peux manipuler, mais parfois je souhaite qu'il ne m'ait pas fait confiance tellement.
J'avais l'habitude de penser qui était vrai, cela là n'étais rien dans la vie qui avec un peu du travail, je ne pourrait pas trier. Mais maintenant je dois me demander. Elle semble comme je trouvais finalement quelque chose que je ne pense pas que je peux manipuler. Je ne peux pas manipuler être autour de vous. Vous savez je pense de vous, et je pouvez honnêtement accepter le fait que vous ne sentez pas la même chose. Il est correct, vraiment il est. Mais je n'aime pas être non équilibré. J'ai besoin de mon équilibre ou je perds une partie de me, et je me sens comme l'everytime que je passe le temps avec vous, je perds un petit morceau, et je ne le récupérerai jamais.
J'espère que vous pouvez me pardonner.
Laura
Here's a translation for you, since Babelfish doesnt like my peasanty, bad syntax french. Cant have you not knowing something. Not that its relevant after our conversation.
Dear heart
I know that God will never give me more than I can handle, sometimes I just wish that he did not trust me so much.
I used to think that this was true. That there was nothing in life that, with a little bit of work, I couldn't handle. But now I'm not so sure. It seems as though I have finally found something I dont think I can handle. I can't handle being around you so much. You know the way I feel about you, and I can honestly accept the fact that you don't feel the same. And that's all right. It really is.
But I'm unbalanced lately. I need my balance, or I lose a part of me. I feel like everytime I spend time with you, I leave a small piece of me behind when I leave, and I will never get it back.
I hope you can forgive me.
Laura
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