Shadowed by Yesterday: Flames of the Future

I honestly think everything is beggining to work out. I have had a pretty shitty semester on an emotional level but I guess everything works out in one way or the other. I have had two different friends come to me today and tell me that some issue in thier lives has been made easier or completely solved, and you have no idea how good that makes me feel. I feel like although I am shadowed by all the stuff that has happened to me during the first half of the year, I, along with the people I care for, are finnally moving forward.

I think I've finnally recieved the power and encouragement I need to move forward. The Shadows of Yesterday are being dispelled by the Flames of the Future. It sounds so fantastical, but it's got practical applications too. I am now more than ever focused towards that elusive degree at the end of the road I have chosen. I am foucsed on the individual destinies of my friends, and helping them to achieve thier fullest potentials. I have focus. You don't understand how good it makes me feel to write that. I haven't been focused for the better part of five years. I now know for sure where I am headed and how to get there.

Hmmm, it feels like with direction comes purpose. I got me a life to live and I wanna enjoy whats left of it. I've spent far too much time worrying about all the problems and issues that I've been dealt. Life is like a game of cards and it's time I discarded some of the shitty cards I've got and get me some new ones. Time for a new round. Game On!

"Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising, which tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

FallenPhoenix

The Flow of Power: Phoenix Rising

The flow of power has shifted. Where once I had no control over myself and my own destiny, I am now back in total control. I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I am once again free to make choices and decisions based entirely on what I want to do and not on what other people percieve and think.

I don't know what came over me this weekend, but something definately changed. I feel revitalised, and I went out and di something about it. I feel energised and ready once again to meet the world with open eyes. Once more I can see.

I had a great time this weekend, and it wasn't for what I did, it was really for what I didn't do, and that was worry. I can't remember a time when I sat at home and didn't think about what was going on somewhere else in town. I just relaxed and actually enjoyed myself for the first time in a long time. I think that finally I have control once again of how I feel and how I think...

No more heartache and pitiful self-loathing for me... I think that instead of self-destructing, like I thought I would, I've freed the fires of my soul so that I can fly once again.

I think it's time for the second Rise of the Fallen Phoenix. My second Reign has come again...

"Fact of life (so sad, but true), love can often hurt you, leaving scars most
your life (Nightmares can haunt). But fairy tales of love can come true, both
play tricks on your mind. (You'll be fine, take this time, find your peace of
mind) Sooner or later, bad feelings will die. You must be strong, don't blame it
all on love. In time good feelings will come. I've seen it time and time again,
it's not worth it. No. Don't be down and miserable. You, and only you, can bring
yourself around. Give it up, turn it loose. If he don't want you, you don't need
him." -En Vogue

FallenPhoenix

Echoes of the Past: Illusions of Granduer...

I'm so not over it. I went shopping with my roomate today and saw this kid who looked very similar to my boy, and I nearly died. My mate just looked at me and shook his head with a "No, it's not him" and I felt so bad. I mean, I've bee convincing myself so hard that this was meant to be over, that it's all happened for a reason and that I am so much better off knowing that I made this decision for my own gain.

But the truth of the matter is that I just feel empty. Empty and lost. It's silly, because I honestly felt worse when we were together, because of the way he'd treat me and the way that I'd always be getting hurt because I invested into the relationship so much more than he did. I need to remember the reality of it. He was in it for sex. I was used for sex on a more or less constant basis. He really stopped caring about how I felt when he came back from Albury. Thats when it happened. I don't wanna sit here feeling like I'm going to cry wondering why either. I want to beleive with all my heart that it was nothing I did. Maybe this is what happens when all serious relationships break-up, everyone ends up feeling empty and bad because they've lost someone close to them.

In the words of a song I really respect, I think I've been alone a long long time. It was always going to end like this, to be honest even in my stupid lovestruck stage I knew it wasn't going to be one of those "happily ever after" relationships. I mean come on, lets be realistic, 90% of relationships at this age end like this, though I wish this one didn't end with so much lost. I feel like instead of getting closer with this relationship, the end result drove us apart. If I'd have known that I don't know that I'd have ever done this in the first place.

Ok, no thats a lie. There were plenty of times which I simply wouldn't give up for the world. So many memories which will be forever burned into my brain. I don't know how much of it he'll take away from this, but all the good times made my life bareable in a time when I desperately needed a drug of his strength. He was so my drug, my beautiful addiction. So bad for me, yet something I needed more than oxygen itself.

I'm not glad it's over, but I'm glad I finnally had the self-respect to know when I was being used. I mean fuck, it took me long enough, it's been six months since it started happening like this and I needed to desperately to take control of the situation. The worst thing is, since it happened, all the friends that know about it have been walking on eggshells about the entire topic. I think I really just need people to point and laugh at me and tell me I was a total fucking loser to have even considered it in the first place. In my arrogance, I'd have to agree with them.

So this is gonna be the last post I ever make which mentions my boy. I don't even know why I call him that anymore. He's not mine and I don't think he ever was. Daniel, babe, you meant to much to me you dick, I wonder if you understand what you lost? I doubt it.

"I don't wanna cry. Don't wanna cry. Nothing in the world could take us back to
where we used to be. Though I've given you my heart and soul, I must find a way
of letting go, cause baby...I don't wanna cry." -Mariah Carey

FallenPhoenix

Meet me where the shadow reaches the light...

Well, one chapter of my life is finally over. My boy and I are no more, so he's no longer my boy. We've decided to move on and away from each other, it was a silent agreement, which hurt me so much to do, but in truth, it's the best for both of us. I was totally floundering over here at Uni and he needs as much focus as he can for his HSC. It's unhealthy for us to constantly be dragged back until our broken bits cause damage to one another time and time again.

So, as much as it pains me to say, that chapter of my life is finally over. I'm coping better than I ever thought I would, because not only have I lost him in that way, but we have certainly got a palpable distance between us as friends, and that kills me. It's like having the most important person in your life renounce any friendship with you and then avoid you. I guess it's easier for him if he doesn't see me, but it's the exact opposite for me. Sometimes, when I'm alone I just sit quietly and shake for a while, remembering what things used to be like before everything became so complicated. I wish this world was more simple. I wish it with all my heart.

In other news, I have made a very dear friend from back home which came from an unlikely source (we met through my boy). She reminds me so much of Tam, except she shares my interests and it's an anti-religion spray on deoderant. She's great fun and we've gotten really close very very quickly. It took years for Tam and I to finally trust each other, and it was that trial by fire which has created a life-spanning friendship. Nell is smart, funny and cares way too much, all good qualities to have in a friend. Grandfather dear, she's a keeper for shure. :P She's a little bit of light in a world immersed in shadow.

The house Dynamics at uni have changed ever so slightly with the introduction of our third housemate, Jassi's bro. He and I have a kinda silent relationship, I'm civil, he's civil and there isn't much more to it. As a general rule the house remains in fairly good repair, and I'm no chore shark, so I try not to complain much. To be perfectly honest, I've spent an inordinant amount of time back in Leeton trying to sort out this relationship thing and dealing with a few financial problems, and thats a shame, because of all my friends, Jassi and I seem the closest after this first six months living together. At the start of the year, I was completely convinced I'd go nuts living with him, because he and I have quite different interests, behaviours and attitudes, but to be perfectly honest, he's a great housemate. It's been an absolute pleasure, and although he and I clash occasionally, mostly on music, we get along really well. My attitude goes that as long as I can take most of what he says with a smile, there will always be a positive resolution to any problem we have. I'm not even faking the smiles anymore.

On music news, I've totally fallen in love with Missy Higgins. This woman rocks the world. She's moody and soulful and amazing wise for someone that young. Lyrics that move me, music that inspires and depresses me. It changed the way I thought about love. It has meaning to me. Ohhh, practical use of life motto here "Nothing has meaning until it changes what we think or who we are..."

I'm lonely at the moment too, but I really need to actually heal a little before I go out looking for someone to make me feel better. I always hideously rejected the idea of rebounds, so I'm not gonna even try until I feel strong enough to actually go looking. He really hurt me I guess, but thats my fault for letting someone who was still discovering themselves get close to me. I always knew in the back of my mind that something like this could happen, but what he said and what he felt were always so different and I learned that far too late.

Another day... another breath... I stand in the shadow, but I can see the light... meet me where the two join... I need you...

"I don't intend to be a performing flea anymore. I was the dreamweaver, but
although I'll be around I don't intend to be running around at 20,000 miles an
hour trying to prove myself. I don't want to die at 40." -John Lennon

FallenPhoenix