Fighting Stasis: An Introspective Struggle

I'm slack for taking this long to write an entry, and it's because so much has been happening in my life and in my mind, not for any lack of something to write about.I feel like for the last week I've been swimming through a combination of honey and quicksand. I don't know which way is up and I'm struggling to make any progress at all. There are a lot of issues that are floating around my head at the moment, and I need to resolve all of them in the right order or I'm going to end up having some sort of spectacular breakdown and end up hating myself for the actions I have taken. It's going to be an interesting journey.

Our little triangle which has been the cornerstone for my issues in the last couple of months is still an issue. All of us got a case of the warm-fuzzies last weekend, and although we got some stuff sorted out, there is still a lot that needs to be talked about if we are to make any progress at all. I mean, I'll speak for myself personally, I managed to talk to both Ned and Nell about how I felt, and I feel like I got a little bit about thier motivations out of both of them, but I can't help feeling like we are still in the same place, just with more knowledge.

The one thing I need from both of them, they can't seem to give me. I can tell each one exactly how I feel about them, I can tell each one exactly what they mean to me, but I feel like they do not know what role I play in their lives, I feel like they cannot decide where they want me when what I need is solid answers. I feel like too much more of this is going to make me implode.

This is going to cause ripples, because I don't usually like talking about what’s bothering me, and people are going to find out through this and perhaps react accordingly. If that’s what it takes to get the information I need, then maybe, just maybe, this will have been for a good cause. It feels like each one of them has a rope, each one is attached to one side of my head and both are pulling me in different directions. I can't do both. I don't even know for sure anymore which direction I wanna take. The one that opens up to me first will probably secure that decision. I am already placing bets as to who that will be.

This is an odd feeling for me, I don't like being fought for. I don't like being in the middle of something. It's unusual. It's not right. In any case, I'm in this position for now, and the only way out seems to be through someone. So many people keep telling me to go with my heart, but my heart says not to pick at all, because I know that any choice is going to hurt someone, and not making a choice is going to kill me. I don't know what to do right now what I do know is that I can get help with it, it is just a matter of finding out which one of my friends works it out first. I don't like to place bets, but I think I know who it's going to be.

And so begins the next chapter of this year. Live to Learn and Learn to Live, that’s how the saying goes.

"I feel so bad, and I must say to you...sorry...but...Nobody's perfect. Nobody's perfect. What did you expect? I'm doing my best." -Madonna

FallenPhoenix

Lament of Shadowlight - Echoes of the Past

“Why does it always have to be one way?” These words brought me to one of my most powerful and far-reaching observation this weekend. I do not ask for anything from my friends. This does not surprise me, I never have. What surprised me is that I don’t offer anything, even when I am asked, for the hopes that they will just go away, that their curiosity will fade and they will go back to their usual state of apathy so that things can be better. I will try as actively as I can to make everything seem like its going exactly as I planned it so that things do not focus on me. The most ironic thing is that I want people to pry, I want people to try and help, but after one misdirection, one push in the wrong direction, they just give up. I suppose, in a sense, I deserve that, I misdirect people from my real purpose so often that they just stop caring after a while. Like Jassi once said to me, I just don’t give people anything and finally, after long enough of me just passing the time with them, they just give up and forget I exist.

I do it on purpose as well; it’s a defense mechanism which has worked really well in the past. People just give up on me after a while; they figure I am shallow and one dimensional, boring and vague, uninteresting and hypocritical. Then, they leave. I know my current group of friends are easily the group that have cared for me the most, they take the time to ask and they have tried really hard along the way, but honestly, they have just reached a point where I’m beginning to lose them. See, the major issue with this is that they spend the first part of the friendship trying to hard to get to know me and try and help me, but they keep hitting brick walls and getting completely shot down by my fake lies and critical wordplay. Eventually, by the time I am ready to open myself up; they have given up and don’t want anything to do with me. It happened with Tam, and it’s going to happen with Jarrod. Eventually, it will happen with Ned and Lynelle. They are different, don’t get me wrong, but they are not strong enough to break that final wall, they don’t want to. I don’t honestly believe they could handle it anyway, I am very demanding when my walls are down. I need lots of attention, and I am easily offended and easily hurt. Eventually, even these two people, who lounge in this room with me as I write this, will find out that I am not worth the trouble they have been through to get to know me and they will run like all the others leaving me on my own.

Am I strong enough to fight on my own anymore, I am not overly sure. I will try to continue without them when they leave me, but I feel weaker than I did when I met them, like they have stripped away at my defenses and have left me cold and bare against the world when they are not around. They have made me dependant, and part of me is so angry about that. In a way, they have deceived me with false promises and kind words. They made me believe, even if it was for a very short time, that I would have them both forever. I am beginning to wise up to the fact that nothing last forever, and our cute little friendship group has well and truly past its golden age. The only place we can go from here is down.

I once believed that losing these two would secure my death. I want to believe that’s not the case. I want to believe that I am still strong enough to stand alone. I don’t know anymore, and that’s so sad. What’s worse, if any of my friends were to write something like this, I would be busting my gut to read it, and then after reading this, I would be doing my utmost to make sure they knew that everything in this passage was completely false. I’m willing to put bets on the fact that neither person in this room will ask about the contents of this passage, nor will either make conscious efforts to read it. I will be left, as always, to fight my own daemons. I am lucky that I can handle being alone, but it does prove a point my grandmother pointed out, my friendships are incredibly one sided. Why does it have to be so one sided grandmother, well… it’s because if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t have any friends.

“The brightest light casts the longest shadows…” – Anonymous.

FallenPhoenix