“Why does it always have to be one way?” These words brought me to one of my most powerful and far-reaching observation this weekend. I do not ask for anything from my friends. This does not surprise me, I never have. What surprised me is that I don’t offer anything, even when I am asked, for the hopes that they will just go away, that their curiosity will fade and they will go back to their usual state of apathy so that things can be better. I will try as actively as I can to make everything seem like its going exactly as I planned it so that things do not focus on me. The most ironic thing is that I want people to pry, I want people to try and help, but after one misdirection, one push in the wrong direction, they just give up. I suppose, in a sense, I deserve that, I misdirect people from my real purpose so often that they just stop caring after a while. Like Jassi once said to me, I just don’t give people anything and finally, after long enough of me just passing the time with them, they just give up and forget I exist.
I do it on purpose as well; it’s a defense mechanism which has worked really well in the past. People just give up on me after a while; they figure I am shallow and one dimensional, boring and vague, uninteresting and hypocritical. Then, they leave. I know my current group of friends are easily the group that have cared for me the most, they take the time to ask and they have tried really hard along the way, but honestly, they have just reached a point where I’m beginning to lose them. See, the major issue with this is that they spend the first part of the friendship trying to hard to get to know me and try and help me, but they keep hitting brick walls and getting completely shot down by my fake lies and critical wordplay. Eventually, by the time I am ready to open myself up; they have given up and don’t want anything to do with me. It happened with Tam, and it’s going to happen with Jarrod. Eventually, it will happen with Ned and Lynelle. They are different, don’t get me wrong, but they are not strong enough to break that final wall, they don’t want to. I don’t honestly believe they could handle it anyway, I am very demanding when my walls are down. I need lots of attention, and I am easily offended and easily hurt. Eventually, even these two people, who lounge in this room with me as I write this, will find out that I am not worth the trouble they have been through to get to know me and they will run like all the others leaving me on my own.
Am I strong enough to fight on my own anymore, I am not overly sure. I will try to continue without them when they leave me, but I feel weaker than I did when I met them, like they have stripped away at my defenses and have left me cold and bare against the world when they are not around. They have made me dependant, and part of me is so angry about that. In a way, they have deceived me with false promises and kind words. They made me believe, even if it was for a very short time, that I would have them both forever. I am beginning to wise up to the fact that nothing last forever, and our cute little friendship group has well and truly past its golden age. The only place we can go from here is down.
I once believed that losing these two would secure my death. I want to believe that’s not the case. I want to believe that I am still strong enough to stand alone. I don’t know anymore, and that’s so sad. What’s worse, if any of my friends were to write something like this, I would be busting my gut to read it, and then after reading this, I would be doing my utmost to make sure they knew that everything in this passage was completely false. I’m willing to put bets on the fact that neither person in this room will ask about the contents of this passage, nor will either make conscious efforts to read it. I will be left, as always, to fight my own daemons. I am lucky that I can handle being alone, but it does prove a point my grandmother pointed out, my friendships are incredibly one sided. Why does it have to be so one sided grandmother, well… it’s because if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t have any friends.
“The brightest light casts the longest shadows…” – Anonymous.
FallenPhoenix
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2 comments:
Something I have come to realise after reading these online diaries is how people can so easily say that they have lost faith in their friends while just a couple of posts before they had complete faith in them. Even when friends have access to each others blogs and can see that both say that they would risk their lives to be there for each other, you guys still put yourselves down. Remember that you are the same person that they fell in love with in the "golden age". Unless you know which buterfly will one day cause that earthquake on the other side of the world don't be so naive to label it all to be down hill from here. I have to admit (if you don't already know this), that the amount of doubt you guys (mainly nell and you steve) have in life and its card games can at times be fucking frustrating. It could be just cause I am to hopeful that your pessimism seems so extreme. I hope it is me, and not the concept that since you guys got dealt a bad hand at the start the rest of life will only blow up in your faces.
Thats all I have to say about that. Well not really but I have a test in 37.5 hours.
Well, not really anonymous; I'm actually Nell in disguise.
So, Jassi, I guess you're right. I am trying to be less pessimistic. I really am. Gimme some time.
And Steve? I'ma slap you round the head. You know I love you. ^-^ Silly boy.
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