Reflections in Broken Glass: The Personality Paradigm

I had a dream last night. It was a dream about Dan. It was nice and sensual and most of all, it was warm. I'm not going into the details of it, thats not important. I can already hear at least one of you out there going "Oh my God, I thought you were over him", and the short answer is, I am, but experiences that we shared together changed who I am as person, and that is what this post is all about.

I awoke from this dream at about 5am this morning and was almost overcome with the profoundest sense of loss and self-doubt. Had I done everything I could have with that relationship and all the other relationships I'd lost. Had I traveled forward at all since I left school. Would I?

It has taken me until about 11am, just as I should be getting ready for work to see that every emotionally challenging period of my life has taught me something and made me stronger. Yes, I know, in an esoteric sense, I already knew this. I knew it had made me stronger, but on actually thinking about, I can pinpoint what I learned, who or what I learned it from and how that actually effects me as a person, which is all pretty amazing.

Now kiddies, I warn you, some of the stuff in here is sensitive and pointed. Don't stress. Contextually, this all has already happened, and I don't hate anyone in this world.

My mother taught me to be wary of those whom I trust. When the subject of my mother comes up, I usually either trash her or try in vain to justify what she did, depending on my mood. Despite anything I say, she betrayed me in the worst way. I know the circumstances surrounding her leaving me with my grandparents, and in a way I'm thankful for that, but I will always consider her absence in my life as the ultimate form of betrayal.

Simon and Nick, my two closest friends in primary school taught me never to get too comfortable in my surroundings and to always be on the look out for betrayal. One of the only images that sticks in my head from primary school is Simon picking up a stick on some random day in Year Five and said "If this stick is how much we like you..." and then broke the stick. It makes no sense to me now, but I think everyone gets what he means and I understood perfectly back then. Those two just dropped me, and for almost a year, I had no friends whatsoever. My entire year group would groan when I entered a room, and I would spend entire lunchtimes sitting in front of the staffroom reading to escape.

Jassi, Guillaume and David taught me humility and to rebel against the power of peer pressure when ever I could. I remember a conversation Jassi and I had in my room pretty early in Year 10 where my "contract of friendship" with the group was terminated effective immediately. I remember asking Jassi, 'What do you expect me to do now?" and him replying as he walked out my front door, "You know, I don't really care!". That stung, but I realised what I realise now. It didn't hurt as much as the first time. Still, I suffered yet more at the hands of my classmates, which hardened my shell considerably and doubtlessly me made me a stronger person both mentally and spiritually. Jessica, my dear cousin, lent me a great deal of strength in those difficult months, and I could NOT have done it without her.

Daniel... Dan taught me to fear love, respect love, and when at all possible, flee love. I know that sounds terrible and I really don't blame him all that much. In fact, I don't believe that he ever loved me. I don't claim to know what love is, but I think I got somewhere pretty close with that boy. He hurt me tremendously, but I do understand why. Love is powerful and uncontrollable. It is to be feared, respected and admired. To those who give their lives to love, I salute you, but could not stand where you stand.

Tamsin Skye. Tam reiterated that human beings have the infinite capacity to surprise you. She taught me that no friendship is invincible and that the more you trust someone, the more painful it is when they inevitably betray you. Her strange betrayal which confuses me to this day left me distraught for a very long time. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her, which is a testament to how close we were, but I am so unbearably angry at her as well. I cried over her loss. Not one of the people reading this will understand how monumental that is. I actually cried over you. How dare you! I will always harbor suspicion and wariness of my closest friends because of you. Admittedly, there is still a bond between us, frayed as it is. I have not written off the chance of a resurrection of our story, but I find it highly unlikely.

These are just a few of the reasons I am why I am. I am closed and unconnected, distant and cold, I've been cut and rejected, despite all that I've told. Within me is anger, behind me is pain, but I look to the future and from this I gain, a valuable insight into stories untold, these experiences guide me until I grow old.

Blessed be my friends, I am not easy to be around, so thank you for being yourselves and trying anyway.

"The results of life are uncalculated and uncalculable. The years teach much which the days never know. The persons who compose our company, converse, and come and go, and design and execute many things, and somewhat comes of it all, but an unlooked for result. The individual is always mistaken. He designed many things, and drew in other persons as coadjutors, quarrelled with some or all, blundered much, and something is done; all are a little advanced, but the individual is always mistaken. It turns out somewhat new, and very unlike what he promised himself"

-Ralph Waldo Emerson, Essays "Experience"

FallenPhoenix