So I guess I’ve been thinking about this on and off for a few days, but after the Laramie project tonight, it seems pretty pertinent to come and write it all down. I’ve had a lot of core beliefs and ideas challenged in the last few days and I wanted to discuss them with someone who understands. Namely myself.
A couple of nights ago, I was sitting up watching one of the series I have bought and on one of the cliffhanger episodes, I found out that one of the DVD’s in my set is missing. It bummed me out a bit, but we live in the age of technology right? So I decided I’d stream it off the net, seeing as I had already paid for a copy. While I was waiting I flicked onto Facebook and was checking out some peoples days and I found a post by someone asking the question “Why do we still live in a society where gay and straight rights are not equal"?'
A provocative statement on it’s own to be sure. My curiosity piqued, I decided to click the link to the group. I was waiting after all. I’m not usually curious or even interested in this sort of thing, but hey, I was waiting.
So the link loads up with the group and it’s ideals. I never once thought of joining that group either. I was just browsing. Anyways, looking at the wall, there were literally hundreds of messages of support for equality, enough to form a cacophony of voices about the topic. Those voices were not the ones that stood out. Typical of groups of that nature, a few flamers had literally started a war on the wall, defending the actions of intolerant people and in the worst cases, telling gay people in their space that they had no right to exist.
Particularly moving was one argument from a man of science stating that homosexuality was a deviance from the natural state of being, an affliction of body and mind that perverted the course set for humanity. He went on justify his and others hatred by stating that we we’re broken beings, derailed from a purpose we could never hope to achieve.
This hit me harder than I expected, if I’m being honest. Not just that man’s statement, but the few others. It got me thinking about exactly how much of myself I have kept under lock and key since realising all those years ago that I was gay. Just how much could I show a world not ready to tolerate me or willing to try to understand me?
I conquered that particular line of thought all too quickly, in the same way I deal with most of my issues. I simply went to sleep and got up the next day like nothing had happened. Honestly, nothing did. I had no revelation, no change of heart, nothing was lost. So I continued. Until tonight.
Although I had read the script for the Laramie Project before, I had never seen the play performed by people. I’m not empathic on paper, but portrayed as it was, the Project bit deep into already exposed wounds.
For those who do not have the benefit of the experience, the Laramie Project is a play focused around one of the most well known Gay hate crimes that was ever committed and shared across the world. While details are unnecessary, a young man, not too much younger than me was beaten and tortured to death for his orientation in country America.
So there are a few issues that I want to discuss.
Firstly, my opinion. I am an unfailingly open minded person, I feel. I try my best not to hold anything against anyone, trying to judge each individual person on their merits. Hate crimes of any nature are foreign to my thought process. I do not hate anyone or anything in this world, though it is arguable I have the right in some cases.
For two people to do what was done to that young man shocks me, but doesn’t surprise me. However, I found myself asking a question as the script played out in front of me that I never asked myself when I read it. If I was the one who got to make the choice, as the boys parents did, would I ask for the death sentence against the perpetrators? I’ve always leaned slightly towards being against the death penalty, although I am glad that I live in a country that does not support it. In that instance however, I just don’t know. Some things are irredeemable.
But I think on that. Perhaps the reason I believe that to be the case in this instance is because of how close I am to the situation. How resonant the story is to where I am in life. I’m still looking into that now. Moving on.
“Take one for the team”. I had that sentence invoked before me this week. In regards to being who I am and facing persecution so that other people that come after me will have it easier.
I’ve closely examined why I choose to live my life the way I do. My conclusion is that fundamentally, my reasons have remained the same throughout the years, with a few shifts of emphasis. I am scared of what could happen if I am open with people. I am scared of being hurt and losing my friends. I am scared that I will bring about suffering of my friends and family because of who I am.
But is that fear justified, or even based in fact? I weigh up all the possible information and my thoughts are that in fact, it’s circumstantial. I have stood like a sentinel for years in front of examples of me being hurt or losing a friend or hurting people I know because of who I am. I blindly recite the reason for my closed nature. I do not even feel it any more.
I feel like I’m reaching a point in my life where I need to re-evaluate that procedure. I don’t really think that means going and marching in the Mardi-Gras Parade or anything, hell, that’s just way to gay for me, but avoiding that aspect of myself isn’t healthy or smart, it’s self-destructive and dangerous. It might be time for me to let down a few walls and make some decisions about the sort of person I want to be to make the world I want to live in happen.
So no pink shirts or skinny leg jeans for me, as all that does is perpetuate a stereotype I do not at all fit into. However, maybe I’m the sort of person that can show people that gay people can be almost indistinguishable from any other person. Maybe I can show people that it doesn’t matter, that sexuality is a matter for the bedroom and nothing more.
Normal is a setting on a washing machine. I learned that lesson years ago. Maybe it’s time I pooled my considerable people skills and helped other people learn that as well.
I think I’m gonna go join that group now.
“I wanted to be scared again... I wanted to feel unsure again. That's the only way I learn, the only way I feel challenged.”
-Connie Chung
FallenPhoenix
No comments:
Post a Comment