I’ve got a fair bit running through my head tonight, and I don’t have a structure for this post like I usually would, so it’ll be interesting to see where this goes.
I want to cover two very distinct topics while I have the chance to write this. For the purposes of continuity, I’ll start with the least important one.
After my last post in this journal, I’ve been doing a fair bit of thinking about whether there is any real way to reconcile my thoughts and feelings with the life I have.
I suppose I’m jumping ahead a bit from the last thing I wrote. This no structure thing is weird. Ok, lets start at the beginning.
So after concluding that I was way off track with the direction that my life was taking, I have done some hard thinking. To spell this out on paper, I often run scenarios in my head. I’ve always said I see the world around me much like a script. I’ll get into the semantics of that at another time, but suffice to say I’ve been writing certain scenarios into my life just to sort of run a comparison on what would happen.
I’ve tried to think about what life would be like if I actually lucked out and found a special someone to share with. I ran all sorts of profiles, and came up with the idea of the sort of person I might want to be with, and then put the idea of a male male relationship into my current world.
The thing that kind of worried me is that it was so obviously not a match with the life that I am currently living. I feel awkward talking about guys that i like, and I worry that even if I did find someone, I’d want to keep it as secretive as I did at school. That’s not going to work in the adult world and I’m not stupid enough to think that it will.
I’m not sure that everyone that knows about my preferences would be so liberal minded if ever confronted with the actual fact. I can’t be sure that my grandmother would allow a boyfriend into her house, and I don’t know that I’d be comfortable with it even if she swallowed her beliefs and pride and said that she was.
I actually think this is going to be a bit of an issue. It stands to reason that even I can’t remain single forever. It also stands to reason that if I don’t sort my shit out that I’ll never be able to fully commit to a relationship with guys. I’m still working on the solution to that.
I guess the whole gay thing hit home again when I took part in Tim’s wedding last weekend. The biggest thing that kept running through my head throughout the reception was that I would never have that. I mean, yes Australia is a reasonably liberal place and eventually the idea of guys marrying other guys will break through the wall and become legal, but I don’t think I could ever do that, at least not with my own family.
I ran the scenario on the night of me and Mr. X getting married in a ceremony. I would only invite the people that I thought would be ok with the idea, and I can say safely that it would be less than ten with almost no family. I don’t think I’d be comfortable displaying that level of affection in front of my family. Of the ten I invited in my head, half declined the invite.
It’s kinda sad I guess that I know that would happen. Sad that my family will not support me in an endeavour that is so ingrained in tradition. Sad, but understandable.
Now it’s time for the second part of my post, the part where I write that I finally found them. My brothers. I swore on here for years that I would not rest until I found them. It has been my burning goal for years. My motivation, as it were. I think this calls for a change of music.
I don’t even have to check my blog to know that there was a fundamental flaw in my thought process when it came to finding them that I never addressed because I guess after searching for so long, I think deep down I never believed that I would find them. The flaw that I am talking about is the complete lack of game plan when contact was actually made.
My first impressions of my blood family are in stark contrast to anyone else that I have ever called family. In some cases that’s a great thing, and in others, it’s been challenging.
Lets start with Kathryn, Shannon, Mum… She is everything I thought she would be, and yet somehow more… and less at once. It’s impossible for me to articulate it in any way that any other human being on this planet would understand. Although come to think of it… Mmmm, one step at a time.
I learned a lot of things about Mum that just last night I had no idea about. She has been running her entire life. Rather selfishly I believed that it was from me and her past back in the Riverina, but she abandoned a lot more than just me throughout her life in her near desperate struggle to escape. She put both of the boys through more than I will ever understand and they suffered a fate that I ostensibly avoided.
Sammy. That boy… Sam was the one who was brave enough to actually contact me himself. I extended all of the tokens that I could through the police and missing persons, but of the three of them, he was the one who decided to bridge the gap. I sense in him a youth of hard work and earnest, of strength and weakness. I see little of myself, but I am not at all unhappy with what I see. I mean he drinks a fair bit, but shit, who am I to judge him. Everyone needs an escape and not everyone can be social martyr that I am. He has girls swarming all over him and seems to have a lot of friends. I hope for a future where he is accomplished and loved, and he’s in with a shot I think.
Frank… Francis. This is a more complex analysis. I heard about him well before I got the privilege of speaking with him. Mum didn’t do him justice, and what she said was pretty nice. I see myself in echoes when I speak with him, never quite the same, and very much unique, but so similar. I’ve never had any opportunity to really see the nature/nurture argument so strongly displayed, but it’s been remarkable.
He is smart, witty, thoughtful and so strong. I have always said here and in my other works that the experiences that made me who I am have made me stronger than the spoilt rabble around me, but my brother takes it to a level I’ve never witnessed before. We spoke not twenty-four hours ago for the second time. I’ve never felt such a connection with any living person on this earth before.
And yet, it brings me to my point. I feel a little guilty talking about where I am compared to them. When Francis told me about how he had to deal with Mum’s messes growing up, I felt bad that I wasn’t there to give him the chance to be a kid. I felt bad that I had that opportunity and he didn’t. It’s the role of the eldest to protect his younger siblings right? To make sure they don’t come to harm. I wasn’t allowed to be there for them.
But then I chose that path didn’t I?
Mmmm, dangerous thought there. Lets pitch the other side of the argument. I was way too young to know what my decisions entailed. I mean, yes, in hindsight, the choice to continue to live with my grandparents seemed a little selfish, but I was thirteen. In context, it was all I could do. Mum didn’t have it together, and my grandparents loved me in a way I’d never experienced from her.
So this guilt thing isn’t healthy and it’s not logical, but hey, remember what I said last time. Guilt is the emotion that drives me forward. Some people run off anger, others pain. Then there are the chipper bunch that seem to get off on the happiness vibe, but I run on guilt, and it’s no great mystery that I feel this way.
I told Francis… Frank… I’m gonna call him Frank. He can’t be offended on here. I told him about me fancying guys yesterday, after knowing him two days. We know more about each other than most already.
But where to from here? In love and life, it’s hard to know the right way to go. I gave a piece of advice I’d be well served to follow myself last night. Sometimes, knowing where to go isn’t important. Sometimes it’s more important to just keep moving.
So move on I do, in hopes of finding a direction to a better path. I can’t say for certain that I’m falling anymore, which intrigues me. Maybe sometimes, the only way to go… is up….
Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
-Carl Bard
FallenPhoenix
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