So I’ve been thinking about things a lot lately. Realistically, I’ve probably been stewing about the events that would happen tonight far more than I should have. As usual, I had a script that I thought the night would follow, and as usual, it was close enough to call.
So Dan came to Brisbane for his birthday. We haven’t seen each other or appreciably spoken in the last two years. I guess I kinda felt sort of neutral about that as the years went by. It’s been an interesting couple of years. The odd message or phone call here and there, but nothing that I would constitute as a conversation.
So I put a little message on my phone to remind me on every pay day to buy myself something nice so that I could be dressed to kill when the time came. I wanted to be there to show how successful I was and how awesome I had it up here. My phone went off dutifully for three months reminding me of the importance of my task, at least in my shattered mind, but due to dismal circumstance, I was unable to buy more than a single item to make the cut.
So I figured tonight would be an unmitigated disaster. I worked myself up about it so much on the way home that I ended up sitting in the park that marks the halfway point between Mount Ommaney and my house for the better part of half an hour just composing myself.
I got home and was so exhausted from my self imposed anxiety fest that I nearly didn’t go out. I couldn’t be bothered showering or making myself presentable and I could barely eat from the nerves. I cracked in the car on the way over when I was told we were going to the place Dan and his friend were staying for pre-drinks, flatly refusing to put myself in that situation. I figured that given a few moments to compose myself, I could construct a mask of enjoyment that would last long enough to survive the night.
It went well enough. I mean, I thought it would be a carwreck and I guess I was wrong about it. Ironically, it was Dan that saw through the whole thing, but drunk as he was, it took him till the Mana Bar to say anything. He took me aside while everyone else was distracted and asked me what was going on. I laughed and asked him what he meant, and he motioned to my drink and asked me what I was hiding.
Lost it right there. Laughed again, faked a phone call and left for a bit to compose myself.
The summary. I guess I need to live outside my own head a little. I spent way too much time stressing about what could happen that I sometimes miss what actually happens. Living in the moment, dangerous though it be, is a skill I guess I need to work on.
In other news, Katie (hurray for first mention on this blog) hammered home a point I’d been thinking about after a discussion with Matt (Mt. Ommaney) this week. I’ve been very down recently after realising I have no connection with Katie or her friends whatsoever. I guess I have a niggling desire too, but for some reason, we don’t talk at all, and when I try, I fail to connect.
It’s because I’m too defensive.
Katie let slip under cover of alcohol and after much pushing that everything I say comes across as massively defensive and that it’s kind of annoying. She was far too nice to say it like that, but she scrunched her nose up and frowned a little, which is like a fuck you in Katie speech, so yeah.
I noticed the same thing about myself when Matt and I were talking before. Every time he told me to do something, I kept assuming he was telling me because I wasn’t going fast enough, or selling well enough, or just because it was me, and he kept getting more and more frustrated until finally I said I was sorry for being so defensive and he seemed to really chill after that.
It’s a bit of a revelation. I’m so ready to put myself down that I’m subconsciously waiting for an attack from any angle. I can’t imagine any other life, and that seems to shape my reactions with other people.
I’m not sure what to do about it either. That’s learned behaviour right there, earned from years of people actually putting me down and destroying my self-esteem that changing it requires something that I guess I lack on my own.
What to do, what to do?
Oh right. No more alcohol. That’s getting to become a dangerous habit. I’m losing critical aspects of myself and I can see myself developing a kind of habit when I go out. I’m hoping that the words here internalise. I still haven’t been drunk yet, but friends new and old, emboldened by their progress, move ever forward towards getting me drunk and I have found that the lubricating effect of alcohol on my awkwardness has made me desire the effect. I’m shutting that off right there. I’d rather be awkward than drunk.
DnD tomorrow. Gotta make it epic, I feel like people are getting bored with me.
“Who is not satisfied with himself will grow; who is not sure of his own correctness will learn many things.”
-Chinese Proverb
FallenPhoenix
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