Truth in Moments: Incandescent

This is the first time in the eight years that I have been writing on this blog that I feel like writing something that might be a bit too private. It’s also the first time that I intend to share this post word for word with another site. Sometimes your first steps towards truth are small, but they need to happen, and I doubt anyone is going to fully understand the significance of this evening.

I can’t write exactly what I am feeling at the moment. Or rather, I won’t. It’s important to share why, seeing as this place has been my development blog for such a long time. I write here because it helps me to develop and grow, and I should really be recording things here in honestly. Of course, I do not. I know my friends read this site, or at least they used to and although this is an insight into things that I would never usually discuss, it’s also watered down ever so slightly. That much is logical.

Tonight is about growth and about stepping forward. It’s about trust and knowing in my heart who to give that to. It’s momentum. To break through walls you’ve got to gather speed. Lets take the first step.

Below is a character survey I picked up in first year uni, back when I was eighteen years old. I want to leave the responses that I posted almost ten years ago. Growth is most observable in this way.

Who was I? Steven
Who am I now? I am a guttering light trying to find the fuel to keep burning. I am a song unsung, a path unbroken and a moment in time. I am still Steven. I am also apparently pretentious.  

Where was I? Sitting in my room at Charles Sturt University, Wagga Wagga, New South Wales, Australia.
Where am I now? I am sitting downstairs a world away from where I was ten years ago. I’m in Brisbane.

What was I doing? Filling out a character bio for my blog on ehmanpenn.com
What am I doing now? Sitting here assessing ten years of development and life. I’m filling this out for my blogger account. 

What was my name? Steven Wayne James (last name omitted for privacy reasons)
What is my name now? Heh, privacy reasons. Internet. My name is Steve. My last name is Sullivan. Each of the other names I have connect me to things I don’t want to remember, so that’s all I care to say.

How old was I? Eighteen Years and Eleven Months
How old am I now? I am twenty eight years and about two weeks old. 

Where was I born? Canterbury Hospital, Sydney, Australia

Where did I live? Between University in Wagga and my home in Leeton, N.S.W
Where do I live now? I rent a house with some friends of mine in Brisbane, QLD. I am a world away from the place I grew up. 


What are my social, financial and political circumstances and beliefs?

Social in 2003 : I feel that it is important for everyone to interact socially. I feel that while a enriching and unique social life is important it is not the be all and end of all life. I feel that there are many more important things. With that said, I rely on my friends with insane frequency. I love being around the few people I call my friends and couldn't live without them.
Social in 2012: I have friends. I live with some, I live apart from others, and I’ve made new ones that I see regularly. I’m not where I want to be socially, and I’m at a loss to change it. I feel like I’ve missed core developmental steps in this regards. 

Financial in 2003: Ahem... Well, I am very, very, very, free with my money. I believe money is there to use and that it is nowhere near as important as the other aspects of life. I really dislike people who are too wrapped up in money, definitely at my age. Monetarily, I am always broke. I make enough money to survive (albeit barely) but I spend way too much most of the time as well... *sigh*
Financial in 2012: Money has never and will never be a strength of mine. I have a good work ethic and would rather be happy than wealthy, but my respect for money is somewhat more advanced than it was when I was a child.

Political in 2003: Meh! I really don't have any political standpoint. It really doesn't worry me. I know it's bad but I consider voting in an election a necessary evil.
Political in 2012: This has changed considerably. I am an archetypal fence sitter politically. I am ostensibly liberal in my views, but that marries poorly with party politics in this country. I am much more political than I was growing up. I believe that is a sign I’m an adult now. 

If I were an animal, what would I be? Probably a dog, I love a dog's life.
How about now? I think I’d be closer to a cat. I like attention, but only when I want it. When I’m not in the mood for it, I get distant and cold. I’m also a bit self important and a complete psycho for no reason sometimes. 

If I were an element (earth, air, fire, water) what would I be? Fire. I am deeply spiritual, and my astrological element is fire. I believe that I am a prime example of this element, with the power to create or destroy but not the control to choose.
How about now? I still feel the fire burning in me, but it’s not as one sided as that any more. I feel the passion of fire has cooled in me somewhat, but it still flickers, like a dying flame in me yet. No other element is strongly represented within my personality, so fire it is. 

What are my physical characteristics? I am tall but surprisingly agile for my height. I have massive legs (from many years spent on an Olympic trampoline) and a underbuilt upper body. As such I am not exactly proportioned and I am way too lazy to get off my butt and do anything about it. I am not fat but I sure as hell aint skinny. I feel that I am maintaining an optimal weight at the present time.
What about now? Optimal weight has well and truly waltzed out the door with my teens. I am still lazy, but my metabolism gave up and now I’m overweight and under-enthusiastic to do anything about it. My legs are still strong and I’m still tall. 

What are my likes and dislikes?
Likes: Fire, fantasy, Food, performing arts, music, warmth, strength of character, soul-jarring conversations with someone you really trust.
Has that changed? Soul jarring conversations… yeah… Well, I like most of the things I listed still. I like hugs, I like perceptive people and I like being right in movies when the plot is predictable. I like instrumental music that is so good it doesn’t need words. I like sleeping in on a Sunday morning.

Dislikes: Being pushed around, close-minded people, winter, being hungry, shallowness, deceit.
And now? I have to strike winter off the list. I like winter now for a whole variety of reasons. Shallow people annoy me like nothing else and I can pick them a mile away. I am being hypocritical when I say that I can’t stand close minded people, but most of the time I lack the self awareness to see that I’m closed minded as well, so I can’t really remove it. 

What opinion do you hold dear? I am my own person and there aint no-one on this earth that has the power to change who I am but myself. I will be who I am forever and that's a fact.
And now? Strength, while not eternal, can be drawn from so many places. When you think you’ve got nothing left in the tank, you can find the inspiration to continue from the most unlikely of sources. Survival is so very important. 

What do I do to achieve this? I often speak my mind at inappropriate times and am a free spirit with the majority of my actions. I take constructive criticism about myself but will not follow a crowd or fashion if I don't like it, regardless of the social and ethical costs.
Is this question even relevant to your last statement? Sure. I guess I look inwards as often as I can and try and reassess how I’m travelling. I’m not the sort of person who easily or willingly opens up to the people around me, so I feel that if I don’t do it, I’ll fall apart. So far so good. 

What do I do each day? I get up and I go to uni (when I have class). I generally wake up tired because I always go to bed way too late. I never have enough money for any meal other than breakfast so I always go to breakfast and that's usually my only meal for the day. After class, I'll come home, do some writing and generally get some sleep, I find I sleep a lot nowadays...
And now? Eat, commute, work, commute, sleep. Rinse repeat. The weekend sees me as the storyteller, the script writer of the closest thing that I’ll ever get to my own stories. And then the cycle repeats.

What are my hobbies? Hmmm, I always did like computer games but during uni time I am either doing university work or sleeping. It's sad really but there usually isn't time for anything else.
How about now? Hobbies require time, but I have a few. I love role playing games and I will always have something in the works. If I didn’t have that skill, I’d never meet new people, so I use that where I can. I am not really a gamer any more as I just don’t draw from it what I used to.

What am I wearing? Why? Ok, at the moment, I am wearing a red t-shirt with a Nike symbol on it and blue trackpants, somewhat of an atypical selection for summer, and now that I think about it, it's really quite hot in here. I am wearing the red because it's still my favourite colour, even though my more fashion conscious friends have been trying to beat it out of me and the trackpants was because it's the only dark thing I have in my current wardrobe that wasn't up in the house.
And now? I’ve got a white shirt and grey sweatpants on. I just got out of the shower and this is at least half of my sleeping attire. 

What is in my pockets? Why? At the moment, nothing, but usually I have my wallet, my mobile phone and a set of keys which alternate depending on my location. The wallet is there because it is a force of habit to take it with me everywhere I go in case I need money or I.D. I've currently got $20 Australian in it. My mobile phone is my lifeline to friends. I have it with me all the time. It is always on and I can always be reached, no matter where I am. This is in case of any emergency that people are going through. I want to be able to know straight away. The keys are either a single key with a red tag when I am at uni, or my set of 4 silver keys on a dog-chain when I am home. At the moment... My home set is currently in my uni room... How annoying.
And now? Well, nothing again. I almost always have my wallet, mobile phone and a set of headphones. I don’t have anything at the moment because of the shower and looming bed time, but I carry the rest for obvious reasons. I am introspective when alone and keep the headphones in for immersion into whatever world is playing in my head at the time.

What are two extreme points of my personality? I have a tendency to be very open about my secrets. There are very few things about me... None that I can think of off the top of my head... That absolutely no-one knows. On the other hand, I will often lie about questions that target me in a fear of being in the spotlight for too long. I like it when people cannot see the real me... It makes me feel more safe.
Has that changed? Hmmm, to an extent it has. I will answer any question posed to me, so long as the setting is right. I answer truthfully these days unless there is good reason for deceit, but I suppose the counterpoint of this is that I will never volunteer information or even talk about myself unless it is engaged. I know why I do it, but certain events of late have caused me to question this.

What was my life objective? To lead a happy, fulfilling and prosperous life with someone who cares about me and whom I care about.
And now? I suppose it is still something I crave. I’ve never had a meaningful relationship and I am bombarded with the media’s portrayal of normal to the point of being overwhelmed by how dysfunctional I apparently am. I feel alright most of the time, but society is almost overwhelming with what it wants and sometimes I feel I am wrong for not feeling horrible all the time. 

What was my status/relationship to other people? Depending on the person, I feel that I get along well with almost all different types of people. With this said, I can be somewhat prejudiced against those who belong to a group of people I dislike, an example being your general "footy fat-head" (my personal term for self-absorbed jocks). I cannot see past a person who belongs to that group and get to know the real them because I believe we are on polar opposites and are incompatible as friends or even acquaintances. As much as I would love to be proven wrong, I never have been... 
And now?
Hey kid, you kinda missed it. So I’m not seeing anyone. I’m not crushing on anyone. All of my friendships seem one sided and I am perpetually frustrated by the people around me and their short-sightedness. I feel alone, that is the truth. I don’t feel claustrophobic about that fact, just a little sad and distanced. 

What are the three most important events that have occurred in my life to date (2003)? To me the most important thing that ever happened to me was the disintergration of a group of friends who I had been friends with all through junior high. I got kicked out of the group because someone suspected I was gay (ironically I was) and it was through this break down of my friendship group that I was able to fully experience life alone through school. It taught me a lot of things and I finally settled down into a new group of friends who actually respected me for who I was (not that they knew any of the rumours were true yet) and in this group were both Ned and Tam. They are still my closest friends.

The second most important event to happen in my life was slightly before the first, in the meeting of Jarrod. Jarrod was a member of the aforementioned friendship group but he and I had been friends since primary school and he gave me a lot more benefit of the doubt. He and I still remained friends after the whole incident and to this day we still hang out. He is 100% straight (which I cannot deny being disappointed about) and although he is just coming out of a messy relationship with Jess, my closest cousin and someone I treat as my little sister, he and I remain close.

The third and final most important thing that has happened to my life was getting the internet. It has educated me beyond measure and has allowed me to meet some truly unique and inspiring people. I will mention a few names, purely because I feel that certain people have touched me beyond that that even my real life friends have. First and most importantly, Mark. A friend of mine from the states that I couldn't have gotten through some of the toughest moments of my life without. We have been friends for the better part of three years now and he is like an older brother to me. I'll love him forever and he knows it. Sherena, a nice young girl from Canada whom I met through one of the various websites I signed up for. She is a legend in her own right and like all of us she has many little issues floating around in her head. Sherena helped me to no end when I was first here at university because she gave me some crucial advice when I needed it most. And finally Maxx, Sherena's boyfriend. He and I have been at odds a few times recently but he is a real champion, a nice guy and again, has many issues. I have to say that of all the people listed here I feel the most connection to him because of several similar instances we have encountered.

Has this changed at all? Gods above with light and love, it certainly has. I need to cross out the bottom two. The breaking of my friendship group in highschool has longstanding ramifications, but two events I’ve had since totally eclipse the other two.

The second most important and influential thing that have happened to me was leaving the Riverina and moving away from home for real. Leaving my comfort zone has taught me so much about myself and really proved to me that I will do whatever I need to to survive. Brisbane is a city glowing with potential and the people I have met here are amazing and vibrant. I look forward to a future here.

Third. I found my brothers. Last year, after a lifetime of not knowing them, I found my brothers. I think it’s such a vital piece of the puzzle that I can’t really explain the whole thing in words here. I need to move forward with that and this post is a reminder for me to do that. Francis, Sam, I will try and be there for you now in whatever capacity you will allow. This is a solemn vow, even if you never read it.

The most beautiful part of my body was... my face. I am not saying I am incredibly good looking, or even at all good looking, shit in my eyes I aint, but my face is my tool for explaining things to other people. I convey my feelings, my issues and my life through my face and I feel that it is the most beautiful part of me because if it.
Now? I can’t answer this question in truth. I do not believe any part of me is beautiful and I know that my mind is a cop out. Sorry, my self esteem just isn’t there.

Happiness to me was... the freedom to do what you think is right free of societies or even other peoples beliefs.
And now? It’s so fleeting. Happiness, true glowing happiness has never really settled on me. I suppose in clinical terms that means depression, but it’s not that at all, I just can’t say that I’m a person that can be cheerful or feel that feeling on a daily basis.  

The thing I most wanted to do before I died is... say that I have loved someone and that they have returned it. It might be a small thing but in my books, that's real and important to me.
Has that changed? In a manner of speaking, I would say it has. I am not as idealistic as I used to be. I want to look back on this journal, or whatever medium I choose to carry forth with me into the future and say that my story was one worth reading. I want for this all not to be a waste.
 
The most embarrassed I ever was... was probably when I was very little. I don't get embarrassed easily, because I've been acting all my life and due to my perpetual cynicism, I am one tough cookie. Talk about your 30ft stone walls.
Embarrassed? I remember kissing a girl once. She was very pretty and into me in a way I could never return. I exclaimed loudly “Oh wow!” because I felt something during that kiss that confused me. That exclamation makes me cringe to this day.

The ugliest part of my body is... Probably my hair. While it looks ok at the moment and I am looking after it far more than I used to, it is still artificially straightened, black and strawlike... How annoying...
And now? I really want to avoid that question. I can change everything I don’t like about myself.

The thing I liked best about myself... is my ability to rise to my feet regardless of the crisis at hand. There has not been a single situation in my life where I have not known exactly what to do. Granted sometimes took longer than others but I have moved though everything as I got it, without stopping. I feel that's a real life skill and something a lot of people need to develop. (not to say there aren't a billion different things I have to develop). This is the main reason for my handle: Phoenix.
Has that changed? Again, the idealism has bleached from me. I am a survivor. There are so many luxuries that the people around me take for granted that I do not have and do not need. Despite my lifestyle being consumerist in a sense, I live an emotionally spartan life that while not necessarily ideal could continue onwards until the end of time with the right preparation.  

Pain to me was... the unbearable loneliness that creeps into your soul at 3am some idle Tuesday morning and regardless of how hard you try to shake it claws away at your very being until there is nothing left but a desicated husk void of all emotion and spirit.
How about now? Ooooh, I still remember that feeling. Pain is that crack, that momentary chink in the armour of the self that lets the endless darkness in. Pain is knowing that I am alone in fighting that and that if I get too many cracks that I might not want to fight anymore. 

My mother/grandmother/female caretaker or w/e... Taught me... the true meaning of respect. My grandmother is a beautiful woman and respect to her is a very important thing. As such I prioritise it highly as well and that is something I will always thank her for.
These haven’t changed enough for me to reanswer them. My relationship with my family has been carefully distanced since my orientation became known. I feel no real pain from that and a lesson learned is a lesson learned, but I can’t answer something that hasn’t changed. 

The thing I regret most was... the four years of my life I wasted wishing that I was somebody else. In all seriousness, I realise now that that was the biggest waste of time possible. It was unavoidable at the time but I regret that I didn't have the strength of mind, the presence of character and the power of will to break out of it and accept who I was a lot sooner. If I had have, my teenage years could have been a lot better.
And now? Wasted potential! I dropped so many balls as a younger person due to both short-sightedness and a cloying distraction of flesh and fantasy. I frustrate myself even thinking about what I’ve missed out on. I can change that, but making up for lost time seems so unproductive.

The most secret thing about me was... my ability to manipulate people, both mentally and emotionally. This was another tough question and sad to say I could only come up with a negative answer. Very few people know when I play them mentally or emotionally. I have always used my natural born intellect to control situations to my liking and people have never really noticed it. This is a great shame because I could use my intelligence for so many other purposes... But what can you do, we are who we are.
You weren’t honest then, care to be now? Yeah. My ability to manipulate those around me is no secret, at least not a well kept one. I suppose the biggest secret I have is related to something I say carefully every time that I say in jest that I hate something or someone. No, I say, hate is a strong word. I don’t hate anyone or anything. I sure do though… I hate myself. This feeling… one I could describe with amazing clarity but won’t for expedience is the fuel for my fire, the reason I am who I am and will continue to be. I get up every day thinking of all the things that I don’t like about myself and throw myself into a world that in my opinion doesn’t need me because I have the potential to make a difference. I am on track now to finally pass on what I have learned in the years of my life to other people who might need the guidance. Now that I am where I am, I WILL NOT drop the ball this time.

I can hear my father/grandfather/ male caretakers voice speaking through my own when I say... Thankyou! This was an insanely difficult one. My grandfather is a many of very few words but the words he says he means. As such, I almost never say thankyou an a lot of people think I am being rude by omitting it in my every day speech. This is not my intention, I only ever say Thankyou when I mean it. This goes for a lot of other things as well... The important things in life don't need to be said over and over until they are done to death, they need to be said every so often and meant!

Love to me is... when two people accept each other into their lives without fear of persecution. Each person maintains their individuality but the strength of the bond between the two are strong enough to challenge all else. Love is when two people trust and respect each other explicitly and without question. Love is beautiful. Love is... Love... I guess...
Have your views on love changed? What I wrote when I was eighteen is what I believe love is. My heart of hearts can’t think of a better way to express that.

The thing I was most proud of was... that my friends all seem to be progressing into a period where they no longer need me as a guide. For so many years I helped them with deep seeded issues and it looks as though I have completely out-lived my usefulness. I am so proud of all of them for learning from their mistakes and not making new ones. Well Done Guys!! Now if only I could work that well on myself...
And now? That I can still make positive decisions in an intensely negative place. I can fight for what I know needs to be under almost any circumstances. I get tired sometimes, but I can always fight the will to fight for what I believe.


Every time I didn't get what I wanted I told myself... Meh! What can you do. We do not control every aspect of our fates. There are times when little we do matters because the end result is decided by someone else. It is times like these where you have to sit back, sigh, and continue on with your life. Dwelling on things we cannot change does much more harm than good. As I told a friend of mine just yesterday, "... Hatred is such a negative emotion... And it achieves nothing... I'd rather continue a positive relationship with someone than a wholly negative one... that's a strong belief of mine"
And now? Fight harder. Change your tack, fight differently and approach from a different angle. If you fail often, it’s not for you. Reassess your goals and know what is realistic and likely. Then for fucks sake, fight harder!

If you could hear the music in me... you would more likely than not be totally fascinated by the depth of the music. At times you would cry, at times you would laugh. And such is the emotional rollercoaster of my life. I long to share the music of my being with someone someday... but as yet that someone has eluded me. |
And now? You would struggle to hear the song of my heart nowadays. Music is passion, life, and truth. I have all of these things, but I don’t trust my capacity to share that with people anymore.

I wanted my epitaph to be... (for those who don't know what an epitaph is, it's what will be written on your gravestone) "If the only way we can be together is in my dreams, then I'll sleep forever".
And now? Hmmm. “Nothing has meaning until it changes what we think or who we are”.

Fin. I need sleep, I have a long day of rinse repeat tomorrow. This is a step towards something profound. I don’t mind if you don’t all understand it yet, but I pray that you be patient while I reveal it to you.

Goodnight.

To gain that which is worth having, it may be necessary to lose everything else.

-Bernadette Devlin

FallenPhoenix