Echoes of the Past: Illusions of Granduer...

I'm so not over it. I went shopping with my roomate today and saw this kid who looked very similar to my boy, and I nearly died. My mate just looked at me and shook his head with a "No, it's not him" and I felt so bad. I mean, I've bee convincing myself so hard that this was meant to be over, that it's all happened for a reason and that I am so much better off knowing that I made this decision for my own gain.

But the truth of the matter is that I just feel empty. Empty and lost. It's silly, because I honestly felt worse when we were together, because of the way he'd treat me and the way that I'd always be getting hurt because I invested into the relationship so much more than he did. I need to remember the reality of it. He was in it for sex. I was used for sex on a more or less constant basis. He really stopped caring about how I felt when he came back from Albury. Thats when it happened. I don't wanna sit here feeling like I'm going to cry wondering why either. I want to beleive with all my heart that it was nothing I did. Maybe this is what happens when all serious relationships break-up, everyone ends up feeling empty and bad because they've lost someone close to them.

In the words of a song I really respect, I think I've been alone a long long time. It was always going to end like this, to be honest even in my stupid lovestruck stage I knew it wasn't going to be one of those "happily ever after" relationships. I mean come on, lets be realistic, 90% of relationships at this age end like this, though I wish this one didn't end with so much lost. I feel like instead of getting closer with this relationship, the end result drove us apart. If I'd have known that I don't know that I'd have ever done this in the first place.

Ok, no thats a lie. There were plenty of times which I simply wouldn't give up for the world. So many memories which will be forever burned into my brain. I don't know how much of it he'll take away from this, but all the good times made my life bareable in a time when I desperately needed a drug of his strength. He was so my drug, my beautiful addiction. So bad for me, yet something I needed more than oxygen itself.

I'm not glad it's over, but I'm glad I finnally had the self-respect to know when I was being used. I mean fuck, it took me long enough, it's been six months since it started happening like this and I needed to desperately to take control of the situation. The worst thing is, since it happened, all the friends that know about it have been walking on eggshells about the entire topic. I think I really just need people to point and laugh at me and tell me I was a total fucking loser to have even considered it in the first place. In my arrogance, I'd have to agree with them.

So this is gonna be the last post I ever make which mentions my boy. I don't even know why I call him that anymore. He's not mine and I don't think he ever was. Daniel, babe, you meant to much to me you dick, I wonder if you understand what you lost? I doubt it.

"I don't wanna cry. Don't wanna cry. Nothing in the world could take us back to
where we used to be. Though I've given you my heart and soul, I must find a way
of letting go, cause baby...I don't wanna cry." -Mariah Carey

FallenPhoenix