Moving Foward: A New Dawn

I'm just back at home after almost two months of holidays and I've had such a wide experiance of emotions during my time away. The only experiances I have are with people and I really should break this up into an orderly display which gives my views on each person as an individual. It'll be simpler that way.

The Boy

I said I'd never mention him here again, but you have to take into account the change in the title, that's gonna be significant later. My dealings with Dan are getting less and less frequent, though I must say we both sorta settle into a comfortable groove when we are alone together. At the very least, there is definately a history there, and we both know it. I must admit however, that he and I are both very akward around each other and I have no intention of really pursuing anything with him again. It was too self-destructive and I don't think I'd ever go there again.

The Roomie

My roommate and I had fairly minimal contact throughout the holidays, usually through other friends and stuff. I think though that this did far more good than bad. I found myself missing us staying up to all hours talking about shit. I needed a break from the living arrangements by the end of the last semester and now I find myself ready, enthusiastic and eager to return. I can't wait to see where it will take the three of us this time.

The Cousin

My closest family member, Jess, has been a key player in my life for a long time. She and I were very much like brother and sister when she used to live back in my home town. Her mother worked constantly so she would often come over to my place after school and we'd just hang out. It was good for both of us and we developed a really close bond. She moved to the city around three years ago and although we remained close, I felt a distance growing between us. She returned home for the holidays to spend some time with me and I have to say she's changed in a very negative way. City Life is something I've always viewed in a negative light and I feel it really has impacted her in a bad way. She's bitchy, moody and selfish, three things I would never have associated with her before. We had the first real fight we've ever had. Word's were exchanged and she was about ready to leave my life forever. I ended up having to do something which I still feel dirty for doing, and thats sell myself out. I backflipped on something I had said to her eariler, which was that she had an attitude problem. To get her to stay I lied about what I had said, saying it was only out of anger. I still feel like I sold out to make someone happy, something I rarely do.

The Friend

This one is interesting... Jess' boyfriend, Jarrod, who has been a good friend of mine since primary school, came down with her as well. Despite the fact that they were sucking face the entire time *dry wretching noises*, I still managed to feel a tangible distance between myself and Jarrod. This isn't the first time either. We just don't talk about anything any more, it's always about the game and about like random life stuff. Every single other friend I have, including Dan, has a deeper connection with me than my longest running friend, and that feels so wrong. Of course, being the usual stubborn bitch that I am, I was completely ready to blame him for this, saying that he never talks, but my Roomie pointed out something which I should have already seen, something uncharacteristically deep for him.

There is no active communication coming from me either. Jarrod has known me for the better part of 9 years and he knows of only a tiny portion of my life. He does not know about any of the relationships I've had, because I fear his reaction. You see, Jarrod acts like the biggest homophobe out there, and although the roomie, who has been friends with him for just as long, will swear black and blue that it's just a ruse, I don't know that I can trust that. My gut has been telling me for a very long time that this portion of my life doesn't need to be shared with Jarrod, because I fear that he'd just drop everything and never talk to me again. Furthermore, he would never want to hear about anything from that area of my life anyway, so telling him would serve no purpose. I know this sounds like me trying desperately to avoid telling him, but in actuality I believe every word I say. Furthermore, anything told to Jarrod leaks to Jess and then my entire family, so it would be a decision I could not make without very careful consideration. Jessica probably suspects things, and from my roomies input, so does Jarrod. I don't know whether there is a need to confirm anything right now.

The New Friend

One of my newest and dearest friends has been having a really rough time at the moment and although she has been working towards leaving home and pursuing a higher education, it turns out that her motivations were all wrong and she will be coming home. It's sad to see her return without anything to show for it, but I must admit, the way things are for her right now, it would be in her best interests if she remained close to her family, which are a real safety net for her, for the months to come. I'm feeling very close to her at the moment, and very very protective. I have developed a very special bond with her over the last three months and she knows she has my support 100% in any endevour she undertakes. I hope I've been a help to her, and I hope I can continue to be a help to her. I fear I see dark clouds on the horizon though, but at least she has some strong people to weather the storm with her. I hope she comes out ok.

So off the people that build my life, and onto my own feelings. How have I been feeling over the break, what made me tick and what made me click?

My thoughts for the break have been on everyone but myself. I've been councilling, helping, preparing and spending time with the people that make my life as good as it is and I do not regret this for a second. I feel like in repayment for the friendship I am given, I can give them an ear when they need it and help when they ask for it. My thoughts have been firmly centred on my friends. However, I can note that i've been feeling a little lonely recently. I guess I just seek companionship again. I'm still not ready for a relationship I dont think, but I guess if the opportunity came up, I would not pass it up. I don't think such an opportunity will ever come up though, because in all the time I spend dealing with my friends, I have no time to go and do anything for myself. My roomie said to me on the bus last night "stop living for other people and start living for yourself for a change" or something to that affect. It's just an unrealistic proposition. I'm happy with my life the way it is, and as long as I can continue to serve my friends in the way that I do, I can at least say I'm doing something for someone in this world.

So what if I don't meet new people, I met my newest friend through someone, maybe through some feat of luck, I might meet a new partner through someone as well. One can hope.

"Is it me or did the room just get darker? Is it me or did I just lay down and die? Is this a dream or did the world just crumble at my very feet? How in heaven will I ever be alright? There is lonely, and there is lonely and there is how I feel right now..." -Prince

FallenPhoenix