Our little triangle which has been the cornerstone for my issues in the last couple of months is still an issue. All of us got a case of the warm-fuzzies last weekend, and although we got some stuff sorted out, there is still a lot that needs to be talked about if we are to make any progress at all. I mean, I'll speak for myself personally, I managed to talk to both Ned and Nell about how I felt, and I feel like I got a little bit about thier motivations out of both of them, but I can't help feeling like we are still in the same place, just with more knowledge.
The one thing I need from both of them, they can't seem to give me. I can tell each one exactly how I feel about them, I can tell each one exactly what they mean to me, but I feel like they do not know what role I play in their lives, I feel like they cannot decide where they want me when what I need is solid answers. I feel like too much more of this is going to make me implode.
This is going to cause ripples, because I don't usually like talking about what’s bothering me, and people are going to find out through this and perhaps react accordingly. If that’s what it takes to get the information I need, then maybe, just maybe, this will have been for a good cause. It feels like each one of them has a rope, each one is attached to one side of my head and both are pulling me in different directions. I can't do both. I don't even know for sure anymore which direction I wanna take. The one that opens up to me first will probably secure that decision. I am already placing bets as to who that will be.
This is an odd feeling for me, I don't like being fought for. I don't like being in the middle of something. It's unusual. It's not right. In any case, I'm in this position for now, and the only way out seems to be through someone. So many people keep telling me to go with my heart, but my heart says not to pick at all, because I know that any choice is going to hurt someone, and not making a choice is going to kill me. I don't know what to do right now what I do know is that I can get help with it, it is just a matter of finding out which one of my friends works it out first. I don't like to place bets, but I think I know who it's going to be.
And so begins the next chapter of this year. Live to Learn and Learn to Live, that’s how the saying goes.
"I feel so bad, and I must say to you...sorry...but...Nobody's perfect. Nobody's perfect. What did you expect? I'm doing my best." -Madonna
FallenPhoenix
2 comments:
I didn't know how to put what I have been feeling the last couple weeks. The cry comes from Sydney (twice) as well. I guess this is the only way I can put it and that is:
"Our little triangle which has been the cornerstone for my..."
Just don't forget your a part of a circle too :(
Hmmm, interesting. I've never forgotten you guys, but our circle is no longer as close knit as it used to be. I do not forget where I came from, but our little group is by no means as close as it used to be.
The little triangle I talk about has been the cornerstone of my issues for the last couple of months, which means that my issues with the circle are either small or non-existant, which is a good thing.
I probably need to be working harder to maintain every friendship I have, and I don't know where I'm going to pull the energy from, but I will try as hard as I can, on that you have my word.
-Fallen Phoenix
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