within my heart i know the truth but i can't let go

It's time I let go of everything to do with my boy and started to focus. I've been spending a lot of time with him recently and the young man I knew and what he is turning into seem to be two very different people. I am begginning to get the feeling that I did more harm than good with the relationship I have had up to this point and it is this sickening feeling which prompts me to sit back and allow fate to take it's course. No more meddling to try and get a relationship back on track.

It hurts me to think I hurt him. He hasn't said anything but I really think that he feels ashamed of everything we have achieved up to this point. This kills me, because thats not what I sensed when this all started back in 2001. I can't help but think that someone has said somethingto him to change the way he thinks or feels, but I would like to think he has more strength of character than that. We are still good friends, at least I hope we are, I am writing this on his omputer at 2AM... but he's not here...

I need to find the strength to let go... but this has been one of my only beacons of hope for the better part of two years. I need stronger support than what I am getting at this current point in time, and I am willing to bet that I am simply not going to get it. Does that mean that I am going to fall apart at the hings because my last hope at a dream relationship has just fallen to peices? Perhaps... I just don't know anymore. I am through with trying to propegate myself anymore. To hell with me. I'm a lost fucking cause. If fate wanted me to be happy, then it would not have dumped me with all the shit I am dealing with right now. I know this is illogical babble but I am so sik of the shit I have to put up with. I am failing university because my heart is at home. I am dead serious when I say that from this day forth, now more than ever, I live for others and others alone.

This is my vow and this is my song... live it... love it.

"When I look at you, my heart skips a beat. But later that beat could mean a lifetime of tears wasted on something I knew I could never have."
-Unknown

BrokenPhoenix