I do not consider myself introverted, at least not after a little buttering up... so I guess that if I was entirely straight, I would be able to pick up with as much succeess as them, with supreme confidence. It's just that people like me still have this terrible social stigma around them, so much so that they are frowned upon in civilised society and made to look so much different from the others. Thats the purpose of putting people into categories with labels, you are making them different by definition. The only thing different about me is that I like guy's... I mean come on people, I am otherwise a normal functioning human being, a normal person with normal wants and needs... shit... looks like even I've invested in this differentiating crap as well. What exactly is "NORMAL"? The way I see it, normal is just a mould created to make the people who don't fit societies standards feel bad about themselves... FUCKING HELL.... if there is anything in this world that makes me mad, it is the fact that some people are just so fucking close minded... you dont see me shaking my fist at... say... Extreme Christians... I don't really like the group as a whole or what they represent, but I respect thier right to make thier own decisions in the world and if they don't respect my right to do the same then that is thier issue, not mine, I don't invest in that shit and honestly, I don't really think anyone should. I can't remember for the life of me who wrote the "Live and let live" saying, but to me it sounds like a pretty awesome mantra to set your watch by... something I entirely agree with.
Somewhere in this post, I should prolly apologise to myself for waiting such a long time to write another post. I've been missing the net terribly, but due to money problems nearly got it severed very recently... screw that... this little baby is my lifeline and something I hold very dear...
My life at the moment... hmmm... I need to get me a guy... desperately... my boy... the one I am chasing at the moment, is sorta avoiding me at the moment, and honestly, thats fine, I know when I'm being used and all that does is make me feel like shit, so for now, he's off limits. And after Steph, I am over chicks for the moment, so I want to be finding me a guy... so where to look... there is this Jas fella from Wagga... but despite the fact that we sound a perfect match, I am way too wary to engage in anything that would jepordise my life at university. I am not even close to ready to become a member of a community I myself find a little overbearing... and here is the direct problem cropping up again.
See I had this ephiphany about two months ago where I worked out that I was fragmented and that to make myself more happy I needed to stop acting to what everyone wanted from me and become someone that I was actually proud of and liked, and the way that ended up was with me being exactly the same because of one simple thing... I am totally scared to be myself. I've pulled up these wrought iron walls around myself to protect me from other people and although I occasionally lower a part of them when I let my friends see a portion of the real me, they have grown too strong and not even I can pull them down now... it would take a really special person now to tear down the walls around me... it would take a lot of love and a lot of time, two things I dont believe that I deserve...
And so we go back to phase one... working out how to deal with the fact that I am in a rut because I cannot move forward because I refuse to fix the problems my own psychoanalysis has picked up... wow... such progress... still, I believe that even just writing that down is a step in the right direction... now all I need is for someone to help me sop making three or four steps in the wrong direction...
Of course that in itself is a problem, I mean, I refuse to ask for help, it's not in my nature to put people out like that. I mean, I just went to Wangaratta to see Tam the other day and in one night, she helped put the whole "crush on a boy who will never be able to love you thing" into perspective... She did it with an amazing sense of gentleness and care that I am currently unable to fathom, I mean that girl really is special, and I don't deserve her, not in the least.
I know who I need to ask for help... and I know I can't ask them... which leaves me in a little bit of a press...
"If the only way we can be together is in my dreams, then I will sleep
forever."
-Anonymous
FallenPhoenix
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