Christmas Thoughts from a Lost Soul...

It has only really just occured to me then that today is christmas day, a day which christians the world around celebrate to be the birth of the Lord Jesus, a man who revolutionised the world with a relgion he had no intention of starting. I've never discussed my relgious views on this site and I don't intend to, but I will say that I do not associate with any main stream religion. I am currently sitting here listening to Queen Elizibeth the Second and her annual christmas message. I am not a royalist, but I do respect this aged womans view and power, and her words are respectful and sensible. She talks of peace and people, relgion and war, and seems to me to take an attitude rather much like a concerned parent, much more so than the ruler of a country.

I must say that as I sit here and listen to this wonderful older womans views, she is really wiser than I have been lead to believe. Wow, Go Lizzie.

Anyways, back to the foundations of Christmas... it's a little dissapointing to see that Christmas has degenerated down to it's basest commercial elements, the pursuit and aquisition of presents and money. I would like to think that this all has something to do with making loved ones happy, but more and more, people tell thier relatives what to get them for christmas, to ensure that they get exactly what they wanted... it's just dissapointing... every aspect of my christmas was a surprise... I must admit I am usually not at all impressed with christmas, but I enoyed today (well all but the waking up)... I am kinda busy right now... I'll continue later...

within my heart i know the truth but i can't let go

It's time I let go of everything to do with my boy and started to focus. I've been spending a lot of time with him recently and the young man I knew and what he is turning into seem to be two very different people. I am begginning to get the feeling that I did more harm than good with the relationship I have had up to this point and it is this sickening feeling which prompts me to sit back and allow fate to take it's course. No more meddling to try and get a relationship back on track.

It hurts me to think I hurt him. He hasn't said anything but I really think that he feels ashamed of everything we have achieved up to this point. This kills me, because thats not what I sensed when this all started back in 2001. I can't help but think that someone has said somethingto him to change the way he thinks or feels, but I would like to think he has more strength of character than that. We are still good friends, at least I hope we are, I am writing this on his omputer at 2AM... but he's not here...

I need to find the strength to let go... but this has been one of my only beacons of hope for the better part of two years. I need stronger support than what I am getting at this current point in time, and I am willing to bet that I am simply not going to get it. Does that mean that I am going to fall apart at the hings because my last hope at a dream relationship has just fallen to peices? Perhaps... I just don't know anymore. I am through with trying to propegate myself anymore. To hell with me. I'm a lost fucking cause. If fate wanted me to be happy, then it would not have dumped me with all the shit I am dealing with right now. I know this is illogical babble but I am so sik of the shit I have to put up with. I am failing university because my heart is at home. I am dead serious when I say that from this day forth, now more than ever, I live for others and others alone.

This is my vow and this is my song... live it... love it.

"When I look at you, my heart skips a beat. But later that beat could mean a lifetime of tears wasted on something I knew I could never have."
-Unknown

BrokenPhoenix

hunTing fOr answers in a woRld of paiN

Today has not been the best of days... actually, today has been one of the longest, most stressful and hardest days in quite a while. For the first time in a long time I am so tired I can barely think, barely create, barely breathe. It's been a day where every force in the world is working against you to force you further and further into a hole.

I am working myself... the punches just keep on rolling... fuck I hate people who say they are going to commit to something and just fail to pull through at a time when you might actually need them. Ned just called to tell me that he isn't coming in this weekend, for the second weekend in a row... look... I am no neo-nazi... quite the opposite... but if you say your gonna be somewhere, you do it, or at least you come up with a better excuse than "I can't be there". Fuck... I am so sick of people who give me thier word only to expect to get out of it by saying, "oh sorry, I can't now"...

Anyway, as I was saying, I am working myself into a hole right now to get things all prepared for this workshop this weekend. It's a horrific drain on my already limited resources but I am putting in a lot of effort for these kids and it already seems to me like my enthusiasm is not being met equally... there is nothing I can do about that for sure, but at the very least, they could not have signed up for it at all, rather tahn leading me on with all this "yes, I am interested, yes I care" bullshit, before fucking me over AFTER all the work is already done... fucking hell..

Yes... bad mood... I'll get over it... always do... I'm gonna leave with another angry quote for the evening... I'll be back tommorow with more...

"You take everything I say with a grain of salt. Expecting every word I
say to be worth a pile of shit. Never believe a word I say, because I have a
cheerful disposition. Then why the fuck would I speak at all? I won't. Not to
have my heartfelt speech fall, not on deaf ears, but on ears that are closed to
me specifically. Who taught you this? Who taught you this? Fuck you
too!"
-Anonymous

FallenPhoenix

Listen with your heart, Listen to your soul...

I'm sitting here, at roughly 3am on a Thursday morning, with no food, more importantly nothing to drink, feeling more empty than I have in a long time. I think I broke through a fairly important barrier this weekend. My boy is now either not interested or too scared to stay a night at my place. I think he's afraid of feeling what he feels when we are alone together and this alone has sort of been the final stake in the coffin.

I'm sitting listening to the newest Australian Idol, Casey Donovan. A sixteen year old girl singing straight from the soul and one whose newest song and choice of songs over this years competition have given me a lot of strength over the last couple of weeks. I normally dont condone or even like these competitions which usually fish for corporation crap as my boy calls them, but in this case I got addicted to this far from perfect young girls drive and spirit right from the first time I saw her and supported her ever since. I really love what she stands for, and her new song, "Listen with your heart" is something I think I really need to do.

I think that it's time for me to move on. I really love this boy, and when I went to Wangaratta, my dear Tam talked me through the scenario I was living with a precision I couldn't see from the inside. He doesn't love me. I knew this all along, but I've been deluding myself for a long time in the hopes that one day he would. I guess I am too emotional for him. A lot of my friends, and one in particular will have a hard time dealing with that last statement, but when I am with people that I can truly be me around, then I really do become more emotional and less of a hard ass than I put on... it's funny really, because the hard ass act can be such a tough one to hold up that I take the challenge as another reason to hold it in a time of weakness. I haven't cried in front of someone since I was 12 and I have no intention of ever doing it again. To me, something as intimate as crying is such a personal thing that it should be reserved for people that you share that most special of bonds with... and not a single other soul.

So, with heavy heart and many regrets I guess it's time to move on. Complications, no... hell... fuck my usual saying... problems... litter the path ahead of me. I really need to make a judgement call, do I wanna jump back on the chick bandwagon. I mean, my incident with Steph really threw me off that horse and I am almost sure I wanna stay away from that for a while... but if I wanna truly invest in the guy scene for a while, like set my heart to it, how far am I willing to invest? I mean, I've always hated the gay scene with a vengeance. No-one will roll thier eyes at the marti-gras more than me, no one will tutt thier tongues at "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" more than me. Stereotypical gays turn my stomach. I guess it's my own form of homophobia... which is both interesting and ironic. I mean, I have no intention of hassling them, or trying to hurt them in any way, but they make me uncomfortable yeah? So... what to do... I am not even close to ready to opening the door to the public as far as my preferences go... and if I can't put a label on myself, then I guess it's gonna be difficult to admit to anything anyway...

So basically, unless I wanna stay single for the next five to ten decades, I really have to start making some life changing decisons. The way I see it, I can go around the back of my friends and family for as long as I want, but thats not gonna make anyone happy. I don't wanna have to hide someone if I find them, and I don't like lying to people I trust...

Of course I am getting way ahead of myself... I need to find someone before I can start worrying about what to tell the rents. At this stage, for all I know, I'll find some young attractive lass, enjoy her company, ignore the fact that she is a woman and therefore totally impossible to navigate and marry her and have lots of little me's and her's running around... not very likely... but hell... at this stage, nor is any scenario which portrays me as ending my life happily...

At the moment, I've got no real goal and nothing to live for... but I got off the self-hurt bandwagon in the early naughties... so now, rather than ending my life because I have nothing to live for, I have to spend all of my life finding something to live for, which in turn gives me something worthwhile to live for... if that makes any sense.

I guess now my fate is up to me and my decision making skills. I have no real paths to follow as far as the relationship crisis goes. I mean, I have two guys in Wagga who are apparently chasing me down... Stuart and Jason... both bad-mouth each other, which gives me the distinct impression that they've done the rounds, which is already a major turn-off... I really felt like I clicked with Jason when we spent a couple of nights talking, but Tammy and I am sure all of my other friends have always told me to aim high, no matter how desperate you are, and if I stay constant to my regular standards, he wouldn't make the cut, not by a long shot. I mean, listen, I'm sure he's a lovely guy who would be rewarding to get to know, but he's only just 18 (yes I know, my boy wasn't even close), he is not at university, has no aspirations for a greater education and is therefore limited to some pretty menial stuff, he looks... ummm... well... not my type (I've only seen him at a distance, far call, but... well... you know when your gut tells you something...) and... yeh... it just doesn't seem to me like anything serious would work out. More importantly, I hear from the rest of the people in Wagga I talk to that he is a serious user of people... and that makes me wary more than anything else. I mean i'd disregard it if only one person mentioned it, but one person definately did not, it was more like about four... so yeah... I don't know where it would go...

So... with my boy almost solidly out of the equation, life must begin again. I really must listen with my heart, listen to my soul, inside I'll find my answer, the place I need to go...

"Every time I look into your eyes I fall in love again, so I try to
avoid them"
-Anonymous

FallenPhoenix

watChing and waiting fOr my Love to sliDe my way...

I feel so cold and numb right now... I feel like I am the only person in this wide open world who cant openly express themsevles and it's starting to really eat at me. I mean, I heard that a group of my friends went away last weekend to a local race meet and picked up 3 really nice looking chicks... just like that...

I do not consider myself introverted, at least not after a little buttering up... so I guess that if I was entirely straight, I would be able to pick up with as much succeess as them, with supreme confidence. It's just that people like me still have this terrible social stigma around them, so much so that they are frowned upon in civilised society and made to look so much different from the others. Thats the purpose of putting people into categories with labels, you are making them different by definition. The only thing different about me is that I like guy's... I mean come on people, I am otherwise a normal functioning human being, a normal person with normal wants and needs... shit... looks like even I've invested in this differentiating crap as well. What exactly is "NORMAL"? The way I see it, normal is just a mould created to make the people who don't fit societies standards feel bad about themselves... FUCKING HELL.... if there is anything in this world that makes me mad, it is the fact that some people are just so fucking close minded... you dont see me shaking my fist at... say... Extreme Christians... I don't really like the group as a whole or what they represent, but I respect thier right to make thier own decisions in the world and if they don't respect my right to do the same then that is thier issue, not mine, I don't invest in that shit and honestly, I don't really think anyone should. I can't remember for the life of me who wrote the "Live and let live" saying, but to me it sounds like a pretty awesome mantra to set your watch by... something I entirely agree with.

Somewhere in this post, I should prolly apologise to myself for waiting such a long time to write another post. I've been missing the net terribly, but due to money problems nearly got it severed very recently... screw that... this little baby is my lifeline and something I hold very dear...

My life at the moment... hmmm... I need to get me a guy... desperately... my boy... the one I am chasing at the moment, is sorta avoiding me at the moment, and honestly, thats fine, I know when I'm being used and all that does is make me feel like shit, so for now, he's off limits. And after Steph, I am over chicks for the moment, so I want to be finding me a guy... so where to look... there is this Jas fella from Wagga... but despite the fact that we sound a perfect match, I am way too wary to engage in anything that would jepordise my life at university. I am not even close to ready to become a member of a community I myself find a little overbearing... and here is the direct problem cropping up again.

See I had this ephiphany about two months ago where I worked out that I was fragmented and that to make myself more happy I needed to stop acting to what everyone wanted from me and become someone that I was actually proud of and liked, and the way that ended up was with me being exactly the same because of one simple thing... I am totally scared to be myself. I've pulled up these wrought iron walls around myself to protect me from other people and although I occasionally lower a part of them when I let my friends see a portion of the real me, they have grown too strong and not even I can pull them down now... it would take a really special person now to tear down the walls around me... it would take a lot of love and a lot of time, two things I dont believe that I deserve...

And so we go back to phase one... working out how to deal with the fact that I am in a rut because I cannot move forward because I refuse to fix the problems my own psychoanalysis has picked up... wow... such progress... still, I believe that even just writing that down is a step in the right direction... now all I need is for someone to help me sop making three or four steps in the wrong direction...

Of course that in itself is a problem, I mean, I refuse to ask for help, it's not in my nature to put people out like that. I mean, I just went to Wangaratta to see Tam the other day and in one night, she helped put the whole "crush on a boy who will never be able to love you thing" into perspective... She did it with an amazing sense of gentleness and care that I am currently unable to fathom, I mean that girl really is special, and I don't deserve her, not in the least.

I know who I need to ask for help... and I know I can't ask them... which leaves me in a little bit of a press...

"If the only way we can be together is in my dreams, then I will sleep
forever."
-Anonymous

FallenPhoenix