The Death of Innocence: A Friendship Lost

I don't think I fully understand what just happened right now. I just got a call from Tam, who accused me of making some horrible phone call to her about a month ago and apparently she knows I did it and was looking for an apology and an admittance.

I do not, and cannot believe that she would actually believe that I would do something like that. She was entirely convinced that I would pull a stunt like that and be fucking proud of it, like I owned her suffering or something. She was under the direct impression that Jassi and I would sit in a room and give her a call, just for kicks, and hurt her and not admit it, just for a bit of fun, just a bit of a laugh on uni night. This is entirely fucked up.

To me, I feel like I've just lost one of the people who really understood me, purely because they didn't understand me enough. She seemed to be under the impression that I would do something like this for fun, and that I would deny it just like I have at other times. She left no room for me to defend myself. Fuck I feel trapped.

Scary thing is, I have no idea what this situation is going to lead to. I know for a fact that this "act" was never perpetrated by me, and although I have no means of proving myself innocent, I can only draw security from the fact that I didn't do it. I will never own up to something that I didn't do. Tam asked me on the phone if it would really be so bad, after all the lies I told that I just took this one on the chin, and I was like, yes, it would. For me to admit that I did something that I blatantly did not would be to sell out and do something that I am admitting not to have done in the first place, it's a fucking paradox. I can't lie to her by saying that I've lied to her. It makes little sense at a glance, but nor does this entire bloody situation.

I'm gonna go now and pleasantly distract myself from my pain.

"The answers to life questions lie inside of you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust." - Anonymous.

FallenPhoenix

Thoughts from the Grave: Understanding Relationships

Interesting title choice for this week, and explained all in due time. Due however to a promise I made my vampiress early on in our friendship, I have a survey to fill out before I do any real reflection. Plus it makes all you guys and gals who read this have to listen to random shit about me, and if you don't care, why are you reading my blog. Nell's Vital Facts: Full Name: Steven Nickname: Steve Birthday: 25th of November, 1984 Birthplace: Canterbury Hospital, Sydney, New South Wales, Australia Childhood Home: My family home in Currawang Ave, Leeton. Current Residence: See Above... Parents: Mum got preggers when she was 16, had me to a random who stuck with her for about a year before buggering off. Apparently, there was no ill feeling between the two, but my mother told me that, and she's not the most credible creature out there, so I'll believe what I like. My current story is that he was a drug addict, I might change. Siblings: Two younger half brothers, Frank and Sam. *sigh* National Heritage: God, Mother was adopted so I haven't got the slightest bloody clue. Dad (from the one picture we have) looks kinda slimy, but ultimately caucasian. Hair: Puffy Black thick mess at the moment, I'm actually remembering the sensation of long hair and I'm getting back into it. I'm gonna have to do something with the thickness soon tho, because it's getting ridiculous. Eyes: Varies, Anywhere between Green and Blue, and the specks alternate between brown and gold. It very much depends on mood. Scar: I have one on my arm from where someone threw a rock at me in primary school, I have a scar on my forehead where I split it open trying to climb a slippery-dip, one on my foot which I split open playing in my backyard, and my newest permanent scar is the one on my chin where I broke my jaw ice-skating. Shoe Size: 14-15 at least. Pet: None anymore. Sports Teams: None at the moment... sport was never really my thing. Best Friend: Ned, tho Nell and Jassi rank up there. Nell and I have a list, we should use it more often. First Oversea's Trip: India for 99-00 Christmas Holidays. Possible College: I'm at Wagga's CSU Campus, so I'm not sure what I should write here. Oh Look I wrote something... Musical Influence: I am eclectic when it comes to my music. Go look it up guys... Instrument: Vocals all the way. I'm gumpy with everything else bar piano, which I have a rudimentary knowledge of, tho I was never graded. Worst Habit: Hmmm, my lack of organisation. I jusat can't get organise. I try, and then can't be bothered following myself up on it. That annoys me the most anyway... Future Goals: If I can say I'm happy with my job and my life in 10 years time, that'd rock. It's unlikely, but it'd rock my world and I'll work towards it. 2005 New Years Resolution: I don't do resolutions. No regrets policy. Charity: Anything for disadvantaged or abused children. Nothing makes me angrier than people who take advantage of thier power over younger people, and helping them to find better situations or to cope with the effects of a previous situation is something I would definately work for. Theater Roles: Hmmm, I loved my Occa Pizza Man, Frank. Beyond that, so much of my work was abstract or absurd, it makes it difficult to pick roles. Fabulous Faves Sports: I loved my soccer and my tennis, as well as my gymnastics. Unfortunately, all three play on your knees and are currently off my to-do list. Sports team: The Parramatta Eels, The Sydney Swans. Sports Player: Adam Schnieder... cause we went to school together. Electronic Gadget: My phone for sure. Uhh Eddy, can I Phone a Friend? Number: 9 School Subject: Drama, Ancient History, English Teacher: Mr Tsoukalidis, Ms. Drew, Mrs. Tsoukalidis. Breakfast Food: Bacon and Eggs. Steak. A good hearty meal to start the day is the right way to go. Pizza: BBQ chicken. Nell said it well. I'm a poet and I suck. :P:P Food: Spag Bol. MMMMMMmmmmm. Meal: Steak and Veggies will go down as one of my all time favourite dishes. Sodas: Coke. Drink: Gloria Jeans Irish Nut and Creme with Creme. Fruit: Fresh Granny Smith Apples. Ice Cream: Caramel Ice Cream, or Strawberry Ice Cream that you make yourself... mmmm. Candy: Nerds. Fast Food Resturant: I'm a Macca's Man. T.V show: At the moment, Aussie Idol 3. Movies: The Lord of the Rings Series, Radio Flyer. Actors: Robin Williams, Jaoquin Phoenix Actress: Meryl Streep, Helen Hunt, Drew Barringmore. Musical Artists: Casey Donovan, Kaya, Yanni. Animal: Dogs, Foxes, Llama's. Relaxation: Meditation, Writing, RPG's. Holiday: Anything near a beach. I love Christmas holidays. My christmas holidays last year were the most memorable yet. Style of clothes: Daggy... meh whatever.. Bumming-around clothes: I buy clothes to wear, I wear them whenever the whim strikes me. Is that an issue? Mode of Travel: I love walking, it clears the mind. But for long distance, road-trips are the go. Colgone: Fire and Ice is my personal favourite. Clothing Designers: Whatever... like I care. Clothing Store: *yawns* Watch: I haven't owned a watch in years. I have a phone. Boxers or Briefs: Boxers all the way, though as Ned and I have learned, never go trampolining in boxers. Shoes: Joggers, they are so multi-functional. Dream car: Cars are for people with licences, and I can't take a hint. Books: The Belgaraid Series of books by David and Leigh Eddings. Childhood Books: I used to read Readers Digests and Medical Journals when I was little. Cartoon Characters: Ultimately, Luna is still my favourite. Theme Park Ride: The big tower one at Dreamworld on the Goldcoast was for me the best. Video game Platform: PS2 or Compy... Newest Interest: Finding out how much my friends keep from me and why... Well I finnally finished that one, and yes Nell it did take forever. These last two weekends have been about redifining friendships for me. I have had to work out how I feel about the two people closest to me and where we fit in on the grand scale of things. I think where the three of us are in terms of relationships at the moment is a little blurry, but I can say without question that we are very very close as a group. Nell and I teeter on the edge of an interesting but dangerous precipice at the moment, she and I are either going to try a physical relationship or just remain close friends. At this stage, I think that the only thing that would change as far as our relationship would go is our physicality towards each other. To be perfectly honest, Nell knows most everything there is to know about me, and she is among my closest confidantes. I have given her my heart already and I feel like the only thing that would change would be the way we interact. I think that a healthy amount of caution needs to be taken into account here, as we could both end up losing each other if we botch this too badly. At the moment, Nell has the ball, I've already told her how I feel, and now, when the time is right, I will finally know how she feels. I'm a patient man, and I want her to know for sure that what she is doing is the right decision before she answers me. Ned and I have grown so close over the last few weeks, and we are begginning to blur the line between friends and family. Regardless of time, distance and sensibility, Ned will always remain a member of my family and my closest, dearest and most treasured friend. I consider him almost like a very close brother, someone I know will be there all the time, even if he doesn't agree. He and I are so comfortable around each other, we've been through more than most friends could ever say they have been and it's linked us in a way few will ever experiance. I am grateful that he is there for me, and I feel so lucky to be able to call him a friend. He worries me sick sometimes, and I wish I knew the answers to questions that he asks. All I can do is show him what I believe and hope that it makes a difference. For now, I will leave you all with a quote. I will return to this post a little later.

"There are so many pressures to make it big by the time you are thirty. Life and learning is an ongoing process. Success does not mean wealth, corporate occupation or physical beauty. Success is happiness within yourself. Inner Beauty. The brain listens for difference not similarity. Stimulation not boredom. To exist you must adapt or you will lose your sense of direction and find yourself in a living death." - Anonymous.

FallenPhoenix

A Friend in Need, a Friend Indeed: The End of an Era

Ned, Ned, Ned... Dude, sometimes I am so lucky to have you, if anyone knows what it takes to break down my walls gently enough not to break me in the process, it would be you. Ned and I had a very serious D&M last night, and while a whole heap of old issues cropped up that I wasn't entirely ready to deal with again, I feel like right now, I have someone whose gonna support me through anything and everything I do from now until the end of time, and thats a really really satisfying, as well as a safe and comforting feeling.

There is so much more that I wish I could write down right now, but to be honest, I need time to format everything in my head. I got a chance to write in Ned's little black book this morning, but my grandmother was being nosy and irritating once again. She caught me coming back from my walk at 5am yesterday morning and nearly had a fit, so she's overly suspicious at the moment.

Right now, I want something to numb the brain, I think I'm hurting at the moment, and I want to desperately escape into something that requires minimal brain power.

A quiz should do nicely, tho doubtlessly, it'll be somewhat darker than usual.

[1] First grade teacher's name: Mrs. Griffiths
[2] Last word you said: ya...
[3] Last song you sang: "This is How it Goes" - Missy Higgin's
[4] Last person you hugged: Ned
[5] Last thing you laughed at: Some inane joke Justine told, she's a lovely girl, just not overly bright...
[6] Last time you said I don’t fucking remember: I don't fucking remember... (how original -_-)
[7] Last time you cried: Last Night... there were reasons and there were reasons...

[[[PRESENT] ] ]
[8] What's in your CD player: I actually don't own one, so I couldn't say...
[9] What color socks are you wearing: White... always white...
[10] What's under your bed: Random crap and clothes in Wagga, a blanket and some random crap and clothes in Leeton...
[11] What time did you wake up today: I haven't been to bed yet... reasons and reasons -_-
[12] Current taste: Cold KFC chips... not the most fabulous after taste
[13] Current hair: Black... I wanna do something with it...
[14] Current clothes: Sorta an off blue-green tinted long-sleeve tee, jeans, my fav joggers...
[15] Current annoyance: Getting my bloody emotions back in the fucking box they have labelled for them... they are being difficult and I'm gonna start kicking ass and taking names soon...
[16] Current longing: Answers and Closure...
[17] Current desktop picture: Black alien power man...
[18] Current worry: The aforementioned emotions, as well as my friends worrying about me, I'll be ok guys, really... it's just a phase.
[19] Current hate: Hate is a strong word, and I don't think there is much in this world that I hate. Inequality and injustice....
[20] Current favorite article of clothing: My blue joggers *cough* overused *cough cough*
[21] Favorite physical feature of the opposite sex: Hair, I'm a hair guy... long hair, short hair, as long as it's nice and the girly wearing it likes it, then we all win.
[22] Last CD that you listened to: "For You" - Casey Donovan
[23] Favorite place to be: Edoras (god I miss her), my backyard at night...
[24] Least favorite place: Cities...
[25] Time you wake up in the morning: I'm not a morning person... late...
[26] If you could play an instrument, what would it be: An acoustic guitar would be a dream come true, if I had one wish, that would be a serious consideration for one of them.
[27] Favorite color: A warm crimson red is lovely, but I am finding a growing attraction with certain types of blues, also mixes between the two, royal purple and the like...
[28] Do you believe in an afterlife: I believe that there is much in this world we cannot explain, life after death is an oxymoron, but an existance after death, now there is a possibility.
[29] How tall are you? Too tall, 6'4"
[30] Current favorite word/saying: "Whatever..."
[31] Favorite book: "Polgara the Sorceress" - David Eddings
[32] Favorite season: Summer, though the crux when it moves from summer to autumn is my favourite part of the year.
[33] One person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to? Myself... I was desperately in need of someone who knew what they were talking about at age 12, and I could help myself to grow up with less issues about trusting people if I could see myself again.
[34] Favorite day: Saturday, when uni ends and I can go back home and pretend I have a social life... :P Nah, thats not fair, I just love my friends so much...

[[[FUTURE] ] ]
[35] Where do you want to go: Eventually, I wanna say I've been to half of the countries in the world. On a teachers pay, thats impossible, so without being greedy, I'd have to say I'd love to see Europe.
[36] What is your career going to be like: Mediocre. I'll try my best, and maybe one day my heart will be in it. *shakes head* thats such a stupid statement, do I care enough to say my heart will be in anything... I don't know any more... we'll see...
[37] How many kids do you want: kids... little me's... at least two if I ever have any, the only child thing isn't all it's cracked up to be, siblings look out for each other, and having that in a family is one step forward for the child from birth.
[38] What kind of car will you have: Something old and shitty, that works when it wants to, and sticks it's radiator up at me when it doesn't.

[[[HAVE YOU EVER...] ] ]
[39]Said "I love you" and meant it: Only once...
[40]Gotten in a fight w/your dog/cat/bird/fish, etc: No, Bubba and I were always on good terms...
[41]Been to New York? Not yet...
[42]Been to Florida?: Stupid Americans...
[43]San Diego, Cali?: Oh for christs sake...
[44]Hawaii?: ... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! *goes ballistic and nukes the creator of this bloody quiz*
[45]Mexico?: *twitch*
[46]China? Not yet...
[47]Canada? Jassi has, lucky beggar
[48]Danced naked?: My singing starts in the shower, and I usually dance when I sing, so yeah, many times...
[49]Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day: Premonitions are more Jessica's thing, and my dreams are usually warnings of foreboding and despair...
[50]Wanted to be the opposite sex: Hmmm... hard question. I've wanted to understand them better, and to have thier instinctual, gut level perceptions, but not really no.
[51]Had an imaginary friend? No, not in the traditional sense. I think I'm borderline schizophrenic tho...

[[[RANDOM] ] ]
[52]Do you have a crush on someone? Yeah I do, but at the moment, I think I'm the last thing they need...
[53]What book are you reading now?: The NSW English Stage 4-5 Syllabus.
[54]Worst feeling in the world: Finding out that you've just poured your heart out to someone, and they either simply do not care, or do not have the capacity to care...
[55]What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning? Ugh, how irritating...
[56]How many rings before you answer? 1, if someone calls, I'm there. My phone is always just in reach. I so rarely get calls tho, so it's not exactly important...
[57]Future daughter's name: As much as this will probably convuse people, probably Kathryn.
[58]Future son's name: Kyler... what is it with the letter K.
[59]Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? Never have, it wasn't the done thing in high society.
[60]If you could have any job you wanted, what would it be? Software Design, or Concept design for a major computer games company. *no chance music*
[61]Are you a lefty, righty or ambidextrous?: Depends on the task, but as far as writing goes, right hand or bust...
[62]Wish you were here: I wish I were home right now... more than anything in the world.
[63]College plans: *laughs* Ever tried to pick up one of those poppies, the ones that make the little floaty white things, without making any of them detatch, thats kinda what my uni life is like.
[64]Piercing: *laughs* I'd never be able to speak to my family again, Aaron got his eyebrow done at boarding school last year and he is still being called a drug-snorting dissapointment even now.

[[[THE EXTRA STUFF] ] ]
[65]Do you do drugs? No.
[66]Do you drink: No.
[67]Who are your best friends? Ned, Nell, Jassi. Thats pretty much it nowadays.
[68]What kind of Shampoo and Conditioner do you use? Pantene Pro-V. Jassi sez if you use the same shampoo and conditioner for a while it stops working on your hair... so I'll have to change soon.
[69]What are you most scared of? Losing my mind.
[70]What clothes do you sleep in? Usually just boxer shorts, tho often more and sometimes less.
[71]Who is the last person that called you? Chris -_- but the last person that called me and mattered was Ned, a couple of nights ago. Nell would if she could. Oh wait, Jassi called me last night, shit the vacuum cleaner... SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!
[72]Where do you want to get married? Marriage, god... it seems so blurry and so ultimately distant. Somewhere outside, definately in either spring or autumn.
[73]If you could change anything about yourself what would that be? I'd redo my psyche, I'm such a fucking nutcase.
[74]Who do you really hate? Myself sometimes.
[75]Favorite number: 9
[76]Been In Love? Love... yeah... tough word. Have I been, I'm fairly sure.
[77]Are You Timely or Always Late: I'm either early or I don't show...
[78]Do You Have a Job: Stupid fucking centrelink and thier fucking issues...
[79]Do You Like Being Around People: I love being around certain people, but a lot of the time, I'm left alone, and that makes me rely on me, which is not entirely a bad thing.
[81]Are you for world peace: I'm for it, but I'm a realist also...
[82]Are you a health freak: Ah-hahahahahahahahahaha-hahaha-hahaha-hahahaha-ha... no!
[83]Do you have A "Type" Of Person you always go after: god no, totally irrational.
[84]Want Someone You Don't Have Right Now: I don't know *tears at hair*
[85]Are You Lonely Right Now: Like I'm the only person for 300k's, even tho my roomie is making noises not 5 feet from me.
[86]Ever Afraid You'll Never Get Married: Whatever will be will be... if it's right it will happen. So no.
[87]Do You Want To Get Married: I dont know at this stage, read above response.
[88]Do You Want Kids: I'd like kids, but I realise that may not be possible.

[[[IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU...] ] ]
[89]cried: Yes I have, unusual for me? not so much recently.. :(
[90]Bought something: Ummm... yeah... duh!
[91]Gotten Sick: No, tho I may well have with my little 3 hour walk this morning...
[92]Sang: Probably once...
[93]Said I Love you: Yes
[94]Wanted To Tell Someone You Loved them: Yes
[95]Met Someone New: Not so much no...
[96]Talked To someone: I'm not that much of a hermit
[97]Had A Serious Talk: Yeah, with Ned
[98]Missed Someone: Yeah, I have, and yeah I do.
[99]Hugged Someone: Yup, it's been a while since I've really meant a hug, and it's a wonderful feeling.
[100]Kissed Someone: No.

So thats the end of my quiz, I don't feel too much more enlightened, I feel the need to talk some things out with some people, maybe actually accept some help. For now, my bed is looking really good, but the roomie has his music up loud enough for me to hear the lyrics, and I'll betcha he can't even guess what music I am playing right now. I need answers, I wish they were easier to find.

"You mean sanity. You mean safety. In a way, you also mean escape." - Anonymous

FallenPhoenix

Truth and Fire, Heart and Soul: The Rubric of the Word Last Spoken

Did I know it or did I know it. I told Tam the first day that I met Nell that she was a special girl, and actually think I made Tam jealous by saying that this might be someone who could bring me back to life inside. How could I have known that I would end up where I am right now. I didn't, but Tam did, I had a long talk with her that night. It's been so long since I talked to her, and she knew. I think she knew.

Wow... what does this mean exactly. She hasn't exactly given me an actual answer yet... but hey, we aren't in a hurry here people. Baby steps. Hey, I said that once before, 'cept it was about Ned. How funny, I've come a long way since then.

Wow... I can't stop smiling. I think this might be a good sign. You wanna know how I know it might be a good sign. Because I'm going to do two things tonight. See if you can pick them...

"Risen Phoenix flying high, heart and soul now touch the sky. A gift so precious, buried so deep, is yours and yours alone to keep." - Steven Sullivan

RisenPhoenix

Chains of Disbelief: Reality Revised

Whoa... my entire concept of myself and my reality are being revised as we speak. I don't know whats going on, but so many things are clicking into place here.

I'm listening to old music while flirting with someone I like, and singing to myself quietly in a room in Wagga. So many things just came rushing back to me in that instant and I almost burst into tears for some reason. This feels right, I don't know why, and this feeling is very foreign to me, but something about this feels right.

I'm surrounded by people who cannot see the potential that they have. I used to feel so sad, right up until a moment ago, but I have realised now, right now, right at this second that I cannot hold that against them. Some have legitimate reasons for not accepting positive feedback and compliments from other people, and some people are just so unused to it that it makes them uncomfortable.

So what do I do? I work harder to make them feel like what I say is truth. They will slowly begin to see, each of them, peice by peice, that I love them all so dearly and that everything I tell them, every word, every syllable, every breath is the truth, my truth, thier truth.

I feel so right in this moment, I'm feeling so insecure, so vulnerable, so downright unprotected. I have given a lot this evening, I've given up a secret I wouldn't usually blurt out, and I've given out to someone the fact that I really like them, I've also given out a peice of myself for the world to view. You know what, it just feels right. You know. I don't know what this feels like exactly, but it's not a negative thing, and I'm feeling it right now, so it's damn hard to put it all together.

In the same way my friends don't seem to see thier worth, I can't seem to believe that in a single night so much that I used to protect so dearly has just been bared to the world. It will be hard for anyone reading this to see what I am talking about, but I've taken steps tonight that I never thought I'd take. I'm moving towards something I know will change me forever. I'm feeling like this is the beggining of a total new phase of my life. I like that idea.

Bring it on I say! I'm ready for this, now, finnally, I'm ready for this.

"All great truths begin as blasphemies." -George Bernard Shaw

FallenPhoenix

Never underestimate the power of the soul unleashed...

I'm exceptionally artistic!

Find your soul type at kelly.moranweb.com.

Virtues: You look for immense creativity and individuality in people, including yourself. You're not happy with anything less than brilliant, and you focus on being expressive. You value energy, liveliness, and upbeat personalities, but you're not supportive of moodiness when you yourself can be unreliably moody. Seeking activity, you like the bustle of business but need the secluded atmosphere of a studio or private corner.

Aspirations: You feel the need to express your talents, whether it be through writing, drawing, singing, dancing, composing, performing, or photographing. While you strive to ever improve your work, you want to display it as soon as possible when your impatience kicks in. You want to be a prodigy but you might not have the means right at your fingertips. Trust me, do NOT move to New York to do it. Yeesh!

Quirks: Conformists bother you because of their lack of individuality. You're often late or unreliable. You're showy and refuse to share the spotlight. You only tell little white lies. You worm your way into the hearts of others, but be careful; some people despise the show-offs.

Factors: Surround yourself with activity and you'll always have material to work with. Involve friends and family in your projects so they don't feel like envious outsiders.

Future: Show business or not, you'll settle down happily if you're among those who appreciate your natural talents and desire to perform. Don't stay in one place too long, and don't be too hasty in defining your relationships. Who are you to judge what only time will tell?

So folks, what do ya'll think, is that an accurate representation of me? Is there truly any single test which can give you insight into who you really are? Thoughts and comments are welcome.

I'm only just realising that since meeting Nell I write in this so much more often, I really do. I wonder if thats because I have more feelings, or whether it has something to do with the fact she's helping me realise it's ok to write them down. I dunno, but I do know that she's a special girly and she is influencing me in more and more ways, all of them good. I am starting to think that perhaps there is something about her, mabye she's got angelic blood or something, and just incase she ever reads this, I might just include a NOVA!!! times infinity plus everything you say plus 2. Nuh-uh! :P

I wonder if it's just my maturity she's effected. I mean thats not as bad as it sounds, I act like I'm thirty most of the time, and I certainly speak it, she's bought me down a little and taught me life doesn't have to be so serious. I think that when I first met her, I underestimated her. I will never underestimate anyone again, for I have gained something so very special from this, and I don't ever want to lose it.

"If your last December came, what would you do? Would anybody remember to remember you? Did you stand tall? Or did you fall? Did you give your all? Did you ever find a reason, why you had to die? Or did you just plan on leaving without ever wondering why? Was it everything it seemed? Or did it feel like a dream? Did you feel redeemed?" -Prince

FallenPhoenix

Weathering the Storm: A Negative Vibe

This overwhelming feeling of negativity has just crept over me. So many people in my life suffer on a daily basis and although I toil day in and day out to attempt to make everyone whom I care about's lives just that little bit easier, I find myself failing. Ludicrously enough, and something that sets me apart from a lot of people I know, I'm not going to let that get me down, it's just tiring to know I have to try even harder. But harder I will try.

Just because I am so bereft of anything remotely resembling original material, and I want to contemplate on this mood a little more, I thought I might add another quiz thing that Nell included in her journal.

BASICS - - - - - Your gender: Male Straight/gay/bi? Definately Bi... though on the psyche scale, I think I rate a 6 Single? At the moment yeah... Want to be? A Drama Teacher... anything that showcases talent is a good thing by me... Your birthdate: 25/11/84 Your height: 6'4 The color of your eyes: Grey Happy with it? I love my eyes... they change colour... I'm up myself :P The color of your hair: Black Happy with it? my hair or the colour, I'm confoosed Left/right/ambidextrous? Right Your family: My Grandmother and my Dog... Have any pets? My baby dog... What's your job: Professional Student... Obsessions? Fantasy Do you speak another language? Nope, I started learning Italian, then got over it. Have a favourite quote? "Nothing has meaning until it changes what we think or who we are" DEEP THOUGHTS about life and you in it - - - - - Do you live in the moment? Always and forever Do you consider yourself tolerant of others? If I wasn't, I'd be in jail by now, for murder... at least twice.... a day... for the last three years... Do you have any secrets? None that I can recall, I'm more open than I intend to be with my friends Do you hate yourself? Nope... thats one thing I've learned, no point in hating yourself. If I'd given in to the self-hate vibe, I'd be dead. I need me. I don't hate me. Do you like your handwriting? Yup, it's just fancy enough to be outlandish, and I think it's relatively neat for a guy. Do you have any bad habits? Hmmm... I bite my nails. If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called? "Flames of the Phoenix" What's your biggest fear? Being seen for who I really want to be... I have walls around me that are 10ft thick and a million feet tall. I don't take them down for many people. Can you sing? A little, though I don't have the ego to be considered good. Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool? Lol... not too look cool no... Are you a loner? Almost entirely. It's the way I was raised. I find strength in it sometimes. What are your no. 1 priorities in life? My number one priority is to succeed. As a friend, in my career. Etc. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? This is designed with a "no" in the question. It's a leading statement. I doubt it. Are you a daredevil? I'll try absolutely anything once (drugs an exception). Does that count. Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself? I fear that one day my intelligence will be my undoing... Have you got a journal? I have an ejournal, but I stopped writing shit down after my grandmother systematically found and went through my last one, telling me the "lies" I had written. What is your greatest strength and weakness?My greatest strength is the fact it's so hard to injure me. I find strength in myself, and thats very easy to tap. Weakness: My solitude often leads me to be stubborn about accepting and requesting help. I know I'm doing it, and I know it's stupid, but I'll usually bring myself to harm before I asked anything of anyone. This includes family. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? My inability to accept help. How do you vent? I don't vent, which is odd... occasionally I come here to bitch, but thats not the same... Do you think you are emotionally strong? Like a fortress... a cold iron fortress Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life? I regret nothing... I wish things were different, but I regret nothing... Do you think life has been good so far? I think that compared to a lot of people, I lead a golden life. I used to think that without a mother or father, I was really disadvantaged, but I feel now that it was for the best. What is the most important lesson you've learned from life? Friends will come and go, but you always have yourself. You must be as strong as you possibly can be for those times when there is no-one else to help you by or you'll lose. What do you like the most about your body? A like my eyes, but thats generic, so I'm gonna say Nell's breasts too. :P That got the reaction I'm looking for... And least? My lack of physical definition. I have muscles, but you can't see them cause they stretch so much. It's irritating how lanky I look/feel. Are you confident? To a fault... I get uncomfortable around people I don't know or like, but it's not so much of a lack of confidence as an awkwardness... Who is the fictional character you're most like? Hmmm, probably a lot like Dade. That's not going to make sense to anyone *victorious smile* Are you perceived wrongly? Sometimes I am... DO YOU... - - - - - Smoke? Never Do drugs? NEVER!!! > : ( Read the newspaper? Not often enough, my grandfather used to do it, so maybe I should take it up... Pray? All the time... Go to church? Not since my grandfathers funeral... Talk to strangers who IM you? Yes I do... it's caused problems, but I'm optimistic my Mr or Mrs Right is waiting just a mouseclick away... yes indeed I am stoopid. :S Sleep with stuffed animals? Uuugh... I just thought of a halfling and nearly threw up... Talk to people even though you hate them? Yes, and I even appear pleasant, I'm two-faced like that.. Drive? Only once and I crashed it... I'm shocking... Like to drive fast? Ah ha... ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ... no. WOULD OR HAVE YOU EVER... - - - - - Liked your voice? It's not deep enough and sometimes I feel I sound to camp, which is irritating, I've tried to conciously deepen it recently using my vocal training exercises, but all thats succeeded in doing thus far is make my vocal intonations seem mottled. I'm still working on a good vocal image. Hurt yourself? I've attempted suicide twice, but since then no. Been out of the country? Yes, to India. Eaten something that made other people sick? Lol... nope... Been in love? *sigh* I don't know... yes... :( Done drugs? I've answered this... NO!!! Gone skinny dipping? Yes... Had a medical emergency? I've been rushed to hospital with a broken jaw... but thats not medical... much... Had a surgery? I've gone under anesthetic before, once when I was 18mnths, once when I was 5, then once at 15. Ran away from home? God no, my grandfather would have killed me. Love ya Pa. Played strip poker? Lol... yup done that before too... Gotten beaten up? Yes, too many times to count... Beaten someone up? I've won a few fights, but I never instigate them. Been picked on? Too often to count... adds to the walls... Been on stage? Not for a long time... I want to be again.. Been so drunk that you know you're supposed to go out on a date with someone, but you can't remember with who or when and that you faint when you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, not to mention your breath? Hell no. I don't do drunk. Too much of a loss of control... Slept outdoors? Not that I can recall... I spent the night in a tent once, but it was so cold and uncomfortable and there were people making out a foot from me, so no. Thought about suicide? Tried it twice, thank the gods I suck. Pulled an all-nighter? ROFLMAO!!! If yes, what is your record? 3 days... never again... Gone one day without food? Many times too many... Talked on the phone all night? Nope... never had anyone to do it with. Slept together with the opposite sex without actually having sex? A couple o' time's yeah. Slept all day? Yes, only when I'm sick tho Killed someone? Not yet, though I know the mindset is there if someone ever triggers it... Made out with a stranger? Ah no. Had sex with a stranger? ... stranger... no... not really... Thought you're going crazy? Nope... one thing I have got is my sanity, even if I'm the only one who thinks it's sanity. Kissed the same sex? Yeah, I have... it was like getting my teeth licked, he kinda sucked at it... Done anything sexual with the same sex? Yeah... Yeh I have... Been betrayed? Yes... Had a dream that came true? Not yet, but my dreams are steadily conforming to reality. Give it time. Broken the law? A few too many times to feel safe around the police... Have you ever killed an animal by accident? God no.... I'd be shattered On purpose? > : ( Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell? No, my word is my word... I'm pretty careful about making sure I keep things to myself... Stolen anything? Once, in Indian, a pen... the penalty for stealing there is death... wasn't I adventurous... Been on radio/tv? Both... for the same thing... the dramatic arts... Been in a mosh-pit? Yes, I copped a bundy and cola to the face... Had a nervous breakdown? Never... Considered religious vocation? I was told I could be a religious leader by a computer program in year 10... I shut it down... Bungee jumped? Not yet... Had a dream that kept coming back? Never... CLOTHES - - - - - Shoe brand? Adidas Brand of clothing? wateva... Cologne/perfume? "Freedom" - by the little glass box.... Wear hats? Never once... Judge other people by their clothing? Never... Wear make-up? Only ever on stage... Favourite place to shop? Logical Choice, for all your hobby and giftware, located at 181 Baylis Street Wagga Wagga. Favourite article of clothing? My 3/4 coat... Are you trendy? Dont ever say that... Would you rather wear a uniform to school?I don't do school anymore... and a university uniform would be a little nazi'ish. BELIEFS - - - - - Believe in life on other planets? Yes Astrology? Of course, I set my watch by it... it's Mars o'clock now, time to go... Magic? Azeroth Matriarch Zinthos!! *ten cents to anyone who can place that incantation* God? Which one. My god? Yes. Santa? I love you grandfather... Ghosts? >:) Possibly... Luck? Yes, insofar as it exists. And Luke has it. Love at first sight? Sometimes... Witches? A little ironic this question... Easter bunny? :S Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever? With all my heart... Believe there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? Figuratively speaking, yes... Do you wish on stars? Only shooting ones... DEEP THEOLOGICAL QUESTIONS - - - - - Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell? Nope, tho I do not doubt they exist. I just don't believe I'll go to either... Do you think God has a gender? Each God is different, unless your genderless... each to thier own... it depends on what the person needs to see I guess. How you manifest and channel divine energy shapes your views on the God-Beings. Do you believe in organized religion? I believe they serve a purpose, I believe that purpose has been lost over the years. I believe it needs to be re-established before any good will come of it. Where do you think we go when we die? Into the ground, but our souls... our infinite spirit-selves, we have other things to do, other places to be, other entities to unite with and become. LOVE, and all that - - - - - Did you get frightened or uncomfortable seeing that as a section title? Uh, no. Do you consider love a mistake? No, and anyone who thinks so is sad... What do you find romantic? I find romantic in the setting... I find romantic in the mood and the place... Turn-on? I find self-confidence a turn on, but I find innocence a turn on too, and they rarely come in the same package. Turn-off? Arrogence, someone thats been around too much. First kiss? *ahem* If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest in dating you, how would you feel? Hmmm... I'd have to let them know... soon... I could never force feelings... and although it could possibly work over time, I'd know that from the beginning... Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or going "blind"? I need to know someone before dating them... how retarded... Have you ever wished it was more "socially acceptable" for a girl to ask a guy out? Sometimes, we have all the hard jobs... most girls I know wouldn't be afraid to ask though... and most guys I know are happy to accept... of course this is Australia, not America where this was made... Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking? I guess when I make the effort to look good (which isn't often) they might... What is best about the opposite sex? Thier wisdom... definately thier wisdom... What is the worst thing about the opposite sex? Moody little critters aren't they... Do you read porn? Read Porn... admittedly I have... but as the question inadvertantly suggests, I read it, I did not look at it. Which means that it's words and not pictures... and thats all it was, words... of course then Mills and Boon novels are considered pornographic so take of this what you will... Read the articles? Never bought a porn mag, never read one, tho I remember someone having one as a child, mabye Simon. Just the pics? *shakes head* What's the last present someone gave you? Uhmm... Nan bought me the compy I'm working on now for my 21st. I love her. Are you in love? Not at the moment, I miss it though... What would you do if you were walking down the street and saw some hot guy/girl standing on the sidewalk? Probably laugh at how unattainable they were, perve quietly for a moment and then walk off with a giant grin on my face like I always do. > :) WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON... - - - - - That haunted you? Aunty Paula You wanted to kill? Fucking Dan... grrrr... what you did to me was wrong, what you did to Alan was cruel, and what you did to Dixie was fucking inexcusable... That you laughed at? Jassi... sorry dude, your exceptionally funny... That laughed at you? Prob Jassi... he finds my innane life amusing sometimes... he laughs at my misfortunes... That turned you on? Hmmm... honestly... prolly Dan... but I'm over it... You went shopping with? Jassi... like an hour ago... To disappoint you? Dan To ask you out? Justine... To make you cry? Nell... To brighten up your day? Ned That you thought about? Nell You saw a movie with? Jassi and I went and saw "War of the Worlds" You talked to on the phone? Ned, when he saved me from my stalker... You talked to through IM/ICQ? Nell who is patiently and desperately waiting for this You saw? The Jas-Master - - - - - RIGHT THIS MOMENT... - - - - - Are you going out tonight? Been out a few times... Will it be with your significant other? I don't have a significant other... Or some random person? Yup, the roomie... What are you wearing right now? Jeans, Jack of Skulls top and my black 3/4 overcoat... Body-part you're touching right now: Actually, none of my peices are touching any other peices... I'm sitting rather generically... What are you worried about right now? Nell... Book you're reading? The Stage 5 English Syllabus. Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling: Tired, Worried, Focused, Turbulent, Lost. Are you bored? Not really... Are you tired? Yeah... more than a little... Are you talking to anyone online? The little green man flashes yellow every so often, so yes. Are you talking to anyone on the phone? Between the start and the finish of this, both Chris and Ned have called.. Are you lonely or content? Lonely... I have company, and I have friends, but I definately feel lonely... Are you listening to music? No... the 80's music from the Indians has stopped thankfully, tho now they are listening to an Indian Movie up loud. Lucky I lived in a zoo for first year...

Ughh... I'm done... I can't even be fucked finding a decent quote... that took far longer than I expected. Precisely 3 hours from start to finish. Whoa...

FallenPhoenix

Returning to the Source: Time Begins Again

Well, I had the most awesome trip to Canberra on Saturday to pick Nell up and bring her home. Ned and I drove up and back in the one day and it was quite an adventure to navigate through the streets of Canberra, and although I do not have my liscence (shame I know... ) I can navigate reasonably well with a map, so we had little problems. I'm glad Nell's back, I really am, I missed her and she was only gone a week. It must just be the psychology of distance because I don't get to see her during the week anyway and although I talked to her almost as much, I knew she was 400k's away and that made me miss her. It's funny really, I'm not sure how to act around Nell, she works actively to bring me out of that shell I've so carefully constructed around myself and usually this would just make me put up more walls. I don't understand why I don't just keep building walls anymore. It seems like she might be having an effect, something not even Tam was able to do. On thinking about it, Nell and Tam have a lot in common. They are both strong women, comfortable in thier beliefs but willing to listen to others points of view. They are emotional, caring and assertive. Many hugz to both of them. I've got little else to say in this post, it's got to do with Nell and I don't like rambling about any topic for too long. I will however, add something random I picked up from her blurty purely to take up space and be insightful. SECTi0N>1: ABOUT YOU_ +` name: Steven +` gender: Male... -_- +` height: 6'4" +` hair color: black, very very black +` eye color: grey, though thats debatable... green and blue often come up too. +` location: Wagga, New South Wales, Australia +` fears: losing control, losing a friend to something unavoidable (accident, illness) SECTi0N>2: HAVE Y0U EVER_ +` peed in your pants: lol... umm not that I recall, and I have a pretty good memory +` cheated on someone: hmmm... no, and nor would I... +` fallen off the bed: yeah... I think this means at night, so definately yeah... +` fallen for a relative: not even close, though I did have a 40yr old aunt crack onto me. +` had plastic surgery: yup, I just had a boob job recently :P +` failed a grade: lol... I've failed subjects at uni, and I effectively failed yr 12... so yeah... +` broken someones heart: nope... had it happen to me, but never done it... +` had your heart broken: repeatedly.. cause I'm stupid and a sucker for punishment +` done something you regret: *sigh* probably not no... +` cheated on a test: Perhaps we should ask Mrs. Papasidero about that one...? >:) +` broken a body part: yup, broke my jaw ice skating, and my arm going to the toilet in India. SECTi0N>3: CURRENTLY_ +` wearing: generic jeans and a long-sleeve jumper +` listening to: my own typing and indian people moving around outside my flat... +` chewing: lol... I am drinking coke occasionally, but when am I not... +` feeling: kinda tired, kinda hungry and kinda bored... but then the Jas-man will be back in 15mins so I'll be ok I guess.. +` located: In my room... I'm always in my room in Wagga... +` chatting with: No-one, I'm all alone, it's nice to have that sometimes... +` watching: lol... ummm... the screen? I don't multi-task that well... +` should really be: doing uni work, or more questing stuff... probably both, at once... or at least thats what our players expect of us, to toil away night and day for what? thier silly little praise? oh thats wonderful, do you think we even get a thankyou? no... never... they just assume that we can do all the work that they get to enjoy for questing in our sleeping time and then have time for everything else but no, we can't we aren't computers, as much as they'd like to think it... (end random rant about questing) :P SECTi0N>4: D0 Y0U_ +` brush your teeth: not nearly enough, and I can feel it starting to have an effect... +` like anybody: hmmm... too early to say just yet... I'm gonna say... meeebeee! +` have any piercings: lol... yes, I have multiple nipple peircings, seriously tho, I had my left ear peirced when I was little, but it's since grown over... +` drive: ah ha... ahahahahahahahahaha.... ah no! +` believe in Santa: *sigh* I got over that at the age of six when I found my grandfather stocking the tree... it wasn't even dissapointing, Pa knew what to get me better than some creepy pedo from antarctica who wore red pyjama's anyway.... +` ever get off the PC: Ummm... when I come home to see my friends I do, but I wish I had a laptop, so I guess that doesn't count. SECTi0N>6: THE LAST PERS0N Y0U_ +` hugged: My dear Grandmother +` gave eprops to: hmmm... Nell's, but thats only because I'm taking a stab at what an eprop is. +` IMed: Taco -_- +` talked to on the phone: Nells +` yelled at: Like full on yelled at... god... I honestly don't remember... +` fell in love with: ahem... what would be Atco... yeah yeah, so I'm stupid... +` tripped: hmmm, Ned, I seem to trip him a lot. SECTi0N>7: PERS0NAL_ +` what do you want to be when you grow up? I wish we could go further with questing, but knowing that will never happen, I'll just have to propegate it till I die. I wanna be a teacher. I think... +` what was the worst day of your life? Didn't know it at the time, but it was a day in 1999, the last time I ever saw my two brothers... they left a hole in me I want filled so dearly. I wish we could be a family, but my stupid mother wont ever see that. Stability is the anti-christ for her. Damn her... +` most embarrassing story: lol... that would have to be a beach in north nsw, I lost my swimwear in the tide and then had to walk back to the caravan park in nothing but a beach towel... I was 16 +` the best day of your life? meeting my bro's for the first time. We clicked so instantly... *sigh* +` what comes first in your life? my friends!!! +` do you have a bf/gf/crush? meebee +` if you had an extra set of eyes, where would you put them? Wtf mate? +` what do you usually think about before you go to bed? Usually about what I am going to have to do tommorow... yeah yeah yeah, I'm a boring person. SECTi0N>8: FAV0RiTE_ +` movie: The Radio Flyer +` song: "You Believed" Casey Donovan and "The Rain Must Fall" Yanni +` store: Logical Choice, your one stop shop for all your gift and hobby needs, 181 Baylis Street Wagga. +` relative: Immediate Family: Grandmother (Beth), Mother (Katheryn), Half Brothers (Frank and Sam), Uncle (James). +` sport: I am sporty insofar as I like sport, I can't not in my family, I was never very good at it, though I did have a knack for soccer, though the novelty of kicking a leather ball around a patch of grass rarely held my attention for long. I was far too snobby as a child. +` vacation spot: the beach *forlorn sigh and drool at the same time, then a subsequent choke as he realises thats impossible* +` ice cream flavor: strawberry *hangs head* +` fruit: apples and banana's... fresh indian mango's... oh god, those things were freakin' orgasmic... +` candy: my favourite candy is... ummm... well... WARHEADS!!! yup +` holiday: Queen Birthday, cause it's always when stuff happens... +` day of the week: I life Friday's, but that's usually because I get to go home, I cannot do that anymore... +` colors: Red and recently blue... SECTi0N>9: D0 Y0U_ +` like to give hugs: No... though I'm learning... +` like to walk in the rain: I love rain... so yes... +` sleep with or without clothes on: with at least some clothes... I do live with two guys here... +` blue or black pens: black is the way to go... +` dress up for halloween: I've never done it, though I wish we actually celebrated the holiday here, I feel like we are missing out on the celebrations for nothing. Tho halloween is just a retardation of All Hallow's Eve, which I do celebrate, and I do dress up... +` have a job: professional student doesn't really cut it huh... part time unofficial councillor, game co-ordinator... I'm busy enough without a freakin' job thankya! +` like to travel: *sigh* yes... but it'll never happen again... a trip to our capital is like an oversea's holiday for me... +` sleep on side, stomach, or back: usually on my side, sleeping on my arm... it's died a few times because of that... +` think you're attractive: Nope... ugly as all sin.. :P +` want to marry: Do I want to marry... at this stage... no... I don't think it will ever happen, but I feel it's pretentious of me to say it never will... +` have a goldfish: Ummm... no. +` have stuffed animals: I had one once, I won it at Dreamworld... my dog used it as a chew toy, we were both happy. +` go on vacation: No, though I'd want to go with friends, so if they stay at home, I enjoy my holidays nonetheless. SECTi0N>10: 0THER QUESTi0NS_ +` do you go to church? nope +` do you like church? It's not a valid question anymore, but the Catholic church bored me to tears... +` why or why not? I answered this already, so stop badgering me. +` what's your favorite kind of tree? Pine Tree's, I love them for some reason. +` out of all your friends who has the coolest room? Taco has an awesome set up... Ok cool, well I am gonna start the next one now... cause these are fun and time consuming. Weeeeeeeeeeee.....

Which friend is the.... .: x craziest- Ned is clinically insane. .: x sweetest- Nell .: x prettiest- Tam .: x smartest- Cassie .: x girly- prolly Jess... she's more friend than family .: x easiest to be grossed out- most of my friends have strong stomachs .: x blondest- that would be the Jas-man .: x honest- Nell .: x trustworthy- Ned and Nell .: x sporty- Jess .: x animal lover- Tam .: x computer genious- Alan .: x blurty nerd- Nell the journal whore... .: x funniest- Ned just cracks me up... .: x drama person- Jassi is a total drama queen :P .: x band person- Matt... he actually has a band that matters >:) .: x person that always gets their homework done- Cass .: x flirtiest- Ned... hehehehehehe... *giggle fit* About your friends and past friends .: x which friend have you known the longest? JD .: x which friend have you known the least? Prolly Matt .: x who was your first best friend? Nick Lewis .: x is he/she still you friend? if I ever see Nick again, we'll have a lot to talk about... we float in different circles, but he and I still get along ok. .: x which friend do you miss the most? Tamsin Skye... god I hate the distance between us... .: x has one of your best friends ever moved away? Yes.. first to Wangaratta where it was possible for me to see her, then to Melbourne. I swear that girl is just looking for a way out... : x who has the most classes with you? I have no friends at uni... .: x pick one friend and tell one of your favorite memories - Jarrod, at my 13th birthday party, with him being absolutely petrified of a blue glass bottle full of fat air. Hehehehe... so cute and gullable... so much has changed... wait... what am I saying... no it's hasn't :P Which one of your buds is most likely to.... .: x be a teacher - I could see Ned in teaching, if he ever gets off his ass and gets to uni... silly boy .: x become a computer person - If Alan isn't training to be a compy technician already, then he should be, the guys a whiz with them... .: x become a stay at home mom - any of my female friends could, tho none of them would like it. Probably Nell the most, she has a lot of love to give and I could see her not wanting to leave her kiddies... .: x live life on the wild side - Ned, although there is something about him that secretly screams for stability... I want someone to give it to him one day, I think he deserves it. .: x travel all over the world - Jess wants to, let her. .: x become famous - Tam for her jewellry, she's just so good at it. .: x fall in love before 20 - Tam is in love, and Matt loves her. They are so good together. .: x become a sports star - Jess could have before her accident, but not sure anymore... .: x not go to college - No idea... probably Ned, tho I'll kick his ass if he doesn't... .: x get married twice - Jessica... .: x have 4 kids - Nell, she's the type of person I could see being an awesome soccer mum, and she'd love each and every one of them. So warm that girl. .: x become a telemarketer - *shakes head* I would wish this job on none of my friends... possibly Taco, selling vacuum cleaners at 5am in the morning, pleading with the camera for someone to please buy his sales so that he doesn't have to eat cardboard again... .: x be your best friend throughout your whole life - Ned and I should remain close for forever... .: x be at home doing nothing but eating and watching tv - lol... why do I see Ned again... you better not bro... : x be a serious business person - Jess is training in Organisational Management, she's gonna be a CEO one day... so definately Ned. .: x become someone with a job that helps people - Hmm.... Jassi's gonna be nuking people to see whats wrong with them so that someone else can fix it... does that count... mmm radioactive isotopes. .: x end up on survivor or the amazing race - Jess and Jarrod, and they'd be yelling at each other all the time, it would be most humourous. Would make for great american television.

Well focal's, I'm done for now, and where once I was bathed in delicious silence, I am now bombarded with heavy music and the sound of six (count it, six) people in the flat, only 2 of which live here. So I will bid the journal adieu, and I shall see thee all next time.

"If you don't wanna love me, don't love me. If you don't wanna touch me, don't touch me. 'Cause I don't want you to do anything that you don't want to do. If you don't wanna miss me, don't miss me. If you don't wanna kiss me, don't kiss me. 'Cause I don't ever want you to do anything that you don't want to." -Tamar

FallenPhoenix