Green...
Matt.
You'll never read this. And that's for the best. You gave me a gift that you'll never know about. You gave me hope. Hope that I'm not some burnt out remnant of a person with no thoughts or feelings. It had been over a decade since I'd felt anything for another person, and you showed me I still could.
That's a bittersweet feeling for a couple of reasons. For one, you're straight, so I'm repeating old habits, but secondly, you're actually sort of not a person. This took me way way too long to realise. You're actually private to the point of generic. We shared a common interest and fell into each others lives at the perfect time during the pandemic. We liked the same sorts of games and there was no one else who kept our schedules, so we spent a lot of time together, and you were (are) an asshole to everyone, so those fleeting moments when you shared something with me or remembered something I told you felt much bigger than they actually were in reality.
I fell in love with a version of you that doesn't exist. I made up a person that doesn't exist and pursued it. I created a character that I could fall for safely, gave it all the right traits and convinced myself if I played to a script it would eventually reveal itself.
I dreamed up the version of you that I love.
The real you is awesome. I couldn't have done it alone, you do genuinely connect with me occasionally, but it's not magical, it's just occasionally connecting with an acquaintance over the internet.
The person I love doesn't exist and never did.
I love this song. This song feels like the perfect culmination of our story together and you're almost not even in it. Writing it was the easiest thing I've ever had to do.
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