cLOaked in Shadow, needing To escape.

I can't shake this feeling that my life is sitting in one gigantic rutt. At the moment, there doesn't seem to be any forward motion to my life. I don't feel like my mockery of a relationship is travelling anywhere, my education isn't going anywhere until next year and each one of my friendships bar one is stalling to the point of dying.

I'm not sure how I managed to get myself into such a fucked up predicament, but I know that the way my is stagnating I need to do something fairly soon. At first, I figured that I could just deal with this the same way I dealt with everyone elses problems, but that very quickly crashed and burned when I realised that no-one I know has ever experianced this problem before. The way I deal with an issue is I relate it to a personal experiance and try and talk the person through it the way that I went or the way that I should have went, and the problem usually kinda disolves from there.

My issue is that without personal experiance, I usually just leave my solution to intuion and a little luck, helping the person as I would see myself going about a problem. Unfortunately, these things, the intuion and the luck are a little useless now, because if I had either to do with this situation, I wouldn't be in the goddamn situation.

This is getting me nowhere, the way that I see it I am just going to have to let this problem kinda unwind and if I end up unhappy and alone, then thats fate. I can feel someone's eyes rolling at the moment due to me being a cosmic hypocrite, but the way I see it, I give such good advice to other people, I am allowed to be completely fucking hopeless when it comes to taking my own advice.

I just worked out that I am completely fucking screwed. I can't take my own advice because it simply doesn't work that way, and I cant ask other people for advice because I think it makes me look weak, so I am left to stumble through my life with no guidance and not a fucking hope or clue in this wide world until I either get lucky and find the person of my dreams or die a horrible lonely death with not a single person in my life who cares about me in any way. How bleak...

I am not actively trying to seek out someone to share my life with, and thus I am not actively seeking to fulfill my lifelong goal, and the only reason that I am not actively seeking someone is actually two things...

First of all, I am entertaining some ludicrous notion that my boy will just turn around and actually fully commit himself to me, which is pure and utter wishful shit. It ain't gonna happen, it ain't ever gonna happen, hell will freeze over and little purple monkeys will take Takada Mishinoku by storm before it happens... but some slim, tiny little inadequate glimmer of hope keeps me just that one step away from moving on. I want a serious relationship more than anything in the world, be it with this boy or any other worthy person... but he is here right now and right now he is my closest hope.

The second and more prevalent issue lies with the fact that I am so scared to invest my true self to anyone who I dont know that I end up creating this mega-umpty character who is so sadly loserish, that I just can't seem to get anything right. I need to be so different, I don't drink, I don't like social gatherings and I dislike most things the popular world finds interesting... I swear to the god's and goddesses I am doomed... I really am.

I think I really am "cLOaked in Shadow, needing To escape".

"If I am the same, you critisize me. If I am different, you judge me. If I
walk the line in between I am accused of being cynical. How about this? You
stand in a room full of 100 people that share my point of view, and we'll see
how righteous you are when the odds are in my favour."
-Anonymous

ShadedPhoenix