Where there's a will...

Well, I should have written in this a little earlier, but I guess I didn't. It's been pretty turbid since my last post. Ned came over yesterday at 3pm and I was still very much in bed after a late night. I was so tired that I slept through my alarm and decided that hockey was not the best idea in the world. It's been raining here for the better part of 8 hours, which is fantastic and even in the rain, Ned still went and got us pizza with his own money and what little he could find in my wallet. So sweet. He got here at 8pm and I was still sorta dozing. I asked him to keep the lights off so that I could adjust or something, as it was still kinda twilighty. Of course he completely ignored my request and blared light in face. How nice.

I called him an asshole jokingly as I hauled ass out of bed and he said somewhat seriously that he was just getting revenge. I asked what he meant and he said that I could be an asshole too sometimes, way more seriously than I had originally pitched the conversation. I replied that I tried hard not to be and he said sometimes that it wasn't enough. Of course you dont let stuff like this show but that really hurt me. I always try so hard not to annoy people. Seriously, over half of my life is spent making other peoples lives easier in some way. I generally disregard my own problems and just deal with my friends issues, it's so much more rewarding to know that I am helping them along thier life path.

Ned shut me out a long time ago, it was actually not long after he found out I was inclined towards the male end of the spectrum. He's been distant ever since. Even so, he isn't the most open of people and doesn't like talking about the deeper issues. I don't really have an issue with this at all, but sometimes I feel like he's deliberately put distance between us because of my inclination. I mean, I could be a little more subtle with the way I am with him, but what he doesn't understand that most of my life is so far in the closet that the only time I can truly be my cheeky flirtatious self is when I am around people who know, and I am like that with most everyone. I thought he was above the homophobic predisposition, but if he's not and I am forced back into my mundane boring existance in his presence, then I guess that proves a lot about our friendship.

Right here and right now, I don't want a relationship with Ned, I did once, but now, even if the opportunity presented itself, I'd have trouble dealing with it. Don't get me wrong, he's a nice kid, and I am not exactly being picky choosy when it comes to mates right now, but in all seriousness I can't see him being good boyfriend material. See, as awful as it sounds, but I would rather have meaningless sex with him than get into a relationship... a relationship would ruin things between us, I think, and whether or not he values our friendship as much as I do, I would be shattered to lose him as a friend, even if it was for more.

Of course, Ned is perfectly straight, so I don't know why I am having this conversation with myself. That hasn't stopped him on a few occassions mind...

The other issue which presented itself tonight was sort of a mood I've been in recently. This time of the year, leading up to my birthday, is usually the time of year I start thinking about how alone I am after yet another year without companionship. This year, it's got me thinking that I have gotten through the year with very little friends support either. This is due to two things. I have gotten further and further distanced from Tammy and Ned, for numerous reasons. Distance is one and relationships are another. I dont want to intrude.

Secondly, I am too stubborn to admit I need my friends help. I have Chris from Albury pestering me daily, checking my emotional well-being and the like, and I always say "Yes Chris, I'm doing fine, no problems to speak of". I hate lying to people I love but there isn't anything I feel they can do for me bar sit and listen. I appreciate the concern, I really do, but in cases like mine, the only person who can bring about a positive change is myself.

I think that my total lack of any hope of finding someone is due to a socialising problem. I don't socialise, and I do this not out of some sort of social ineptitude, I like going out and I don't dislike people persay... but I do absolutely abhor drunkeness of any kind. My friends, or the ones I am likely to socialise with at least, are sadly critical of this, and despite my best bluffing efforts to get them off my back, I cannot seem to find a story thats far enough from the truth to be in my comfort zone, but contains enough shocking detail to keep them satisfied.

Let it be known here that only one other person on this planet besides myself and the psychiatrist who performed the hynotherapy on me know this information. I was sexually abused as a child, by one of the drunken boyfriends of my mother. To the best of my knowledge she knew about this and did nothing. As far as psychological effects go, the shrink said that I was both extremely resilient and extremely lucky. My mind made sort of a mental barrier which blocked the memories from my concious mind and my sub-concious mind manifested the memories through a distaste for alcohol and a distrust and wariness around drunks. I am also very dissapointed when my friends succumb to the grasp of modern pop-culture and go out and get smashed. Not only is it not healthy, it promotes horrible and illegal behaviour. Passing that, think of the poor people that are around you when your not drunk and what they have to go through... it just plain fucking sucks. GOD DAMN IT!!! I still can't hate my mum.... yet another issue I have to tackle... how the hell do I feel about her... Kathryn Ann Sullivan.

Another issue for another time I guess. I am heading to Wagga this morning and I have to clean this place up or I am not allowed to go to Sydney on the weekend. I have absolutely no idea how Grandmother dearest intends to sever my ability to travel across the state, but a threat is a threat and I should more or less do as I'm told. Respect the elders and all that... I'd want my wishes fulfilled if I ever made it to that age as well. They've been around so much longer than we have, and have a tangible wisdom that most modern kids don't get to see. Pity for them.

I'll leave today's post with a quote I love... until next time...

"I don't want to talk to you anymore, I am afraid of what I might say. I
bite my tongue every time you come around. There's blood in my mouth. Beats
blood on the ground."
- Incubus

SilentPhoenix