Listen with your heart, Listen to your soul...

I'm sitting here, at roughly 3am on a Thursday morning, with no food, more importantly nothing to drink, feeling more empty than I have in a long time. I think I broke through a fairly important barrier this weekend. My boy is now either not interested or too scared to stay a night at my place. I think he's afraid of feeling what he feels when we are alone together and this alone has sort of been the final stake in the coffin.

I'm sitting listening to the newest Australian Idol, Casey Donovan. A sixteen year old girl singing straight from the soul and one whose newest song and choice of songs over this years competition have given me a lot of strength over the last couple of weeks. I normally dont condone or even like these competitions which usually fish for corporation crap as my boy calls them, but in this case I got addicted to this far from perfect young girls drive and spirit right from the first time I saw her and supported her ever since. I really love what she stands for, and her new song, "Listen with your heart" is something I think I really need to do.

I think that it's time for me to move on. I really love this boy, and when I went to Wangaratta, my dear Tam talked me through the scenario I was living with a precision I couldn't see from the inside. He doesn't love me. I knew this all along, but I've been deluding myself for a long time in the hopes that one day he would. I guess I am too emotional for him. A lot of my friends, and one in particular will have a hard time dealing with that last statement, but when I am with people that I can truly be me around, then I really do become more emotional and less of a hard ass than I put on... it's funny really, because the hard ass act can be such a tough one to hold up that I take the challenge as another reason to hold it in a time of weakness. I haven't cried in front of someone since I was 12 and I have no intention of ever doing it again. To me, something as intimate as crying is such a personal thing that it should be reserved for people that you share that most special of bonds with... and not a single other soul.

So, with heavy heart and many regrets I guess it's time to move on. Complications, no... hell... fuck my usual saying... problems... litter the path ahead of me. I really need to make a judgement call, do I wanna jump back on the chick bandwagon. I mean, my incident with Steph really threw me off that horse and I am almost sure I wanna stay away from that for a while... but if I wanna truly invest in the guy scene for a while, like set my heart to it, how far am I willing to invest? I mean, I've always hated the gay scene with a vengeance. No-one will roll thier eyes at the marti-gras more than me, no one will tutt thier tongues at "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" more than me. Stereotypical gays turn my stomach. I guess it's my own form of homophobia... which is both interesting and ironic. I mean, I have no intention of hassling them, or trying to hurt them in any way, but they make me uncomfortable yeah? So... what to do... I am not even close to ready to opening the door to the public as far as my preferences go... and if I can't put a label on myself, then I guess it's gonna be difficult to admit to anything anyway...

So basically, unless I wanna stay single for the next five to ten decades, I really have to start making some life changing decisons. The way I see it, I can go around the back of my friends and family for as long as I want, but thats not gonna make anyone happy. I don't wanna have to hide someone if I find them, and I don't like lying to people I trust...

Of course I am getting way ahead of myself... I need to find someone before I can start worrying about what to tell the rents. At this stage, for all I know, I'll find some young attractive lass, enjoy her company, ignore the fact that she is a woman and therefore totally impossible to navigate and marry her and have lots of little me's and her's running around... not very likely... but hell... at this stage, nor is any scenario which portrays me as ending my life happily...

At the moment, I've got no real goal and nothing to live for... but I got off the self-hurt bandwagon in the early naughties... so now, rather than ending my life because I have nothing to live for, I have to spend all of my life finding something to live for, which in turn gives me something worthwhile to live for... if that makes any sense.

I guess now my fate is up to me and my decision making skills. I have no real paths to follow as far as the relationship crisis goes. I mean, I have two guys in Wagga who are apparently chasing me down... Stuart and Jason... both bad-mouth each other, which gives me the distinct impression that they've done the rounds, which is already a major turn-off... I really felt like I clicked with Jason when we spent a couple of nights talking, but Tammy and I am sure all of my other friends have always told me to aim high, no matter how desperate you are, and if I stay constant to my regular standards, he wouldn't make the cut, not by a long shot. I mean, listen, I'm sure he's a lovely guy who would be rewarding to get to know, but he's only just 18 (yes I know, my boy wasn't even close), he is not at university, has no aspirations for a greater education and is therefore limited to some pretty menial stuff, he looks... ummm... well... not my type (I've only seen him at a distance, far call, but... well... you know when your gut tells you something...) and... yeh... it just doesn't seem to me like anything serious would work out. More importantly, I hear from the rest of the people in Wagga I talk to that he is a serious user of people... and that makes me wary more than anything else. I mean i'd disregard it if only one person mentioned it, but one person definately did not, it was more like about four... so yeah... I don't know where it would go...

So... with my boy almost solidly out of the equation, life must begin again. I really must listen with my heart, listen to my soul, inside I'll find my answer, the place I need to go...

"Every time I look into your eyes I fall in love again, so I try to
avoid them"
-Anonymous

FallenPhoenix