Weathering the Storm: A Negative Vibe

This overwhelming feeling of negativity has just crept over me. So many people in my life suffer on a daily basis and although I toil day in and day out to attempt to make everyone whom I care about's lives just that little bit easier, I find myself failing. Ludicrously enough, and something that sets me apart from a lot of people I know, I'm not going to let that get me down, it's just tiring to know I have to try even harder. But harder I will try.

Just because I am so bereft of anything remotely resembling original material, and I want to contemplate on this mood a little more, I thought I might add another quiz thing that Nell included in her journal.

BASICS - - - - - Your gender: Male Straight/gay/bi? Definately Bi... though on the psyche scale, I think I rate a 6 Single? At the moment yeah... Want to be? A Drama Teacher... anything that showcases talent is a good thing by me... Your birthdate: 25/11/84 Your height: 6'4 The color of your eyes: Grey Happy with it? I love my eyes... they change colour... I'm up myself :P The color of your hair: Black Happy with it? my hair or the colour, I'm confoosed Left/right/ambidextrous? Right Your family: My Grandmother and my Dog... Have any pets? My baby dog... What's your job: Professional Student... Obsessions? Fantasy Do you speak another language? Nope, I started learning Italian, then got over it. Have a favourite quote? "Nothing has meaning until it changes what we think or who we are" DEEP THOUGHTS about life and you in it - - - - - Do you live in the moment? Always and forever Do you consider yourself tolerant of others? If I wasn't, I'd be in jail by now, for murder... at least twice.... a day... for the last three years... Do you have any secrets? None that I can recall, I'm more open than I intend to be with my friends Do you hate yourself? Nope... thats one thing I've learned, no point in hating yourself. If I'd given in to the self-hate vibe, I'd be dead. I need me. I don't hate me. Do you like your handwriting? Yup, it's just fancy enough to be outlandish, and I think it's relatively neat for a guy. Do you have any bad habits? Hmmm... I bite my nails. If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called? "Flames of the Phoenix" What's your biggest fear? Being seen for who I really want to be... I have walls around me that are 10ft thick and a million feet tall. I don't take them down for many people. Can you sing? A little, though I don't have the ego to be considered good. Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool? Lol... not too look cool no... Are you a loner? Almost entirely. It's the way I was raised. I find strength in it sometimes. What are your no. 1 priorities in life? My number one priority is to succeed. As a friend, in my career. Etc. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? This is designed with a "no" in the question. It's a leading statement. I doubt it. Are you a daredevil? I'll try absolutely anything once (drugs an exception). Does that count. Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself? I fear that one day my intelligence will be my undoing... Have you got a journal? I have an ejournal, but I stopped writing shit down after my grandmother systematically found and went through my last one, telling me the "lies" I had written. What is your greatest strength and weakness?My greatest strength is the fact it's so hard to injure me. I find strength in myself, and thats very easy to tap. Weakness: My solitude often leads me to be stubborn about accepting and requesting help. I know I'm doing it, and I know it's stupid, but I'll usually bring myself to harm before I asked anything of anyone. This includes family. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? My inability to accept help. How do you vent? I don't vent, which is odd... occasionally I come here to bitch, but thats not the same... Do you think you are emotionally strong? Like a fortress... a cold iron fortress Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life? I regret nothing... I wish things were different, but I regret nothing... Do you think life has been good so far? I think that compared to a lot of people, I lead a golden life. I used to think that without a mother or father, I was really disadvantaged, but I feel now that it was for the best. What is the most important lesson you've learned from life? Friends will come and go, but you always have yourself. You must be as strong as you possibly can be for those times when there is no-one else to help you by or you'll lose. What do you like the most about your body? A like my eyes, but thats generic, so I'm gonna say Nell's breasts too. :P That got the reaction I'm looking for... And least? My lack of physical definition. I have muscles, but you can't see them cause they stretch so much. It's irritating how lanky I look/feel. Are you confident? To a fault... I get uncomfortable around people I don't know or like, but it's not so much of a lack of confidence as an awkwardness... Who is the fictional character you're most like? Hmmm, probably a lot like Dade. That's not going to make sense to anyone *victorious smile* Are you perceived wrongly? Sometimes I am... DO YOU... - - - - - Smoke? Never Do drugs? NEVER!!! > : ( Read the newspaper? Not often enough, my grandfather used to do it, so maybe I should take it up... Pray? All the time... Go to church? Not since my grandfathers funeral... Talk to strangers who IM you? Yes I do... it's caused problems, but I'm optimistic my Mr or Mrs Right is waiting just a mouseclick away... yes indeed I am stoopid. :S Sleep with stuffed animals? Uuugh... I just thought of a halfling and nearly threw up... Talk to people even though you hate them? Yes, and I even appear pleasant, I'm two-faced like that.. Drive? Only once and I crashed it... I'm shocking... Like to drive fast? Ah ha... ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ... no. WOULD OR HAVE YOU EVER... - - - - - Liked your voice? It's not deep enough and sometimes I feel I sound to camp, which is irritating, I've tried to conciously deepen it recently using my vocal training exercises, but all thats succeeded in doing thus far is make my vocal intonations seem mottled. I'm still working on a good vocal image. Hurt yourself? I've attempted suicide twice, but since then no. Been out of the country? Yes, to India. Eaten something that made other people sick? Lol... nope... Been in love? *sigh* I don't know... yes... :( Done drugs? I've answered this... NO!!! Gone skinny dipping? Yes... Had a medical emergency? I've been rushed to hospital with a broken jaw... but thats not medical... much... Had a surgery? I've gone under anesthetic before, once when I was 18mnths, once when I was 5, then once at 15. Ran away from home? God no, my grandfather would have killed me. Love ya Pa. Played strip poker? Lol... yup done that before too... Gotten beaten up? Yes, too many times to count... Beaten someone up? I've won a few fights, but I never instigate them. Been picked on? Too often to count... adds to the walls... Been on stage? Not for a long time... I want to be again.. Been so drunk that you know you're supposed to go out on a date with someone, but you can't remember with who or when and that you faint when you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, not to mention your breath? Hell no. I don't do drunk. Too much of a loss of control... Slept outdoors? Not that I can recall... I spent the night in a tent once, but it was so cold and uncomfortable and there were people making out a foot from me, so no. Thought about suicide? Tried it twice, thank the gods I suck. Pulled an all-nighter? ROFLMAO!!! If yes, what is your record? 3 days... never again... Gone one day without food? Many times too many... Talked on the phone all night? Nope... never had anyone to do it with. Slept together with the opposite sex without actually having sex? A couple o' time's yeah. Slept all day? Yes, only when I'm sick tho Killed someone? Not yet, though I know the mindset is there if someone ever triggers it... Made out with a stranger? Ah no. Had sex with a stranger? ... stranger... no... not really... Thought you're going crazy? Nope... one thing I have got is my sanity, even if I'm the only one who thinks it's sanity. Kissed the same sex? Yeah, I have... it was like getting my teeth licked, he kinda sucked at it... Done anything sexual with the same sex? Yeah... Yeh I have... Been betrayed? Yes... Had a dream that came true? Not yet, but my dreams are steadily conforming to reality. Give it time. Broken the law? A few too many times to feel safe around the police... Have you ever killed an animal by accident? God no.... I'd be shattered On purpose? > : ( Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell? No, my word is my word... I'm pretty careful about making sure I keep things to myself... Stolen anything? Once, in Indian, a pen... the penalty for stealing there is death... wasn't I adventurous... Been on radio/tv? Both... for the same thing... the dramatic arts... Been in a mosh-pit? Yes, I copped a bundy and cola to the face... Had a nervous breakdown? Never... Considered religious vocation? I was told I could be a religious leader by a computer program in year 10... I shut it down... Bungee jumped? Not yet... Had a dream that kept coming back? Never... CLOTHES - - - - - Shoe brand? Adidas Brand of clothing? wateva... Cologne/perfume? "Freedom" - by the little glass box.... Wear hats? Never once... Judge other people by their clothing? Never... Wear make-up? Only ever on stage... Favourite place to shop? Logical Choice, for all your hobby and giftware, located at 181 Baylis Street Wagga Wagga. Favourite article of clothing? My 3/4 coat... Are you trendy? Dont ever say that... Would you rather wear a uniform to school?I don't do school anymore... and a university uniform would be a little nazi'ish. BELIEFS - - - - - Believe in life on other planets? Yes Astrology? Of course, I set my watch by it... it's Mars o'clock now, time to go... Magic? Azeroth Matriarch Zinthos!! *ten cents to anyone who can place that incantation* God? Which one. My god? Yes. Santa? I love you grandfather... Ghosts? >:) Possibly... Luck? Yes, insofar as it exists. And Luke has it. Love at first sight? Sometimes... Witches? A little ironic this question... Easter bunny? :S Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever? With all my heart... Believe there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? Figuratively speaking, yes... Do you wish on stars? Only shooting ones... DEEP THEOLOGICAL QUESTIONS - - - - - Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell? Nope, tho I do not doubt they exist. I just don't believe I'll go to either... Do you think God has a gender? Each God is different, unless your genderless... each to thier own... it depends on what the person needs to see I guess. How you manifest and channel divine energy shapes your views on the God-Beings. Do you believe in organized religion? I believe they serve a purpose, I believe that purpose has been lost over the years. I believe it needs to be re-established before any good will come of it. Where do you think we go when we die? Into the ground, but our souls... our infinite spirit-selves, we have other things to do, other places to be, other entities to unite with and become. LOVE, and all that - - - - - Did you get frightened or uncomfortable seeing that as a section title? Uh, no. Do you consider love a mistake? No, and anyone who thinks so is sad... What do you find romantic? I find romantic in the setting... I find romantic in the mood and the place... Turn-on? I find self-confidence a turn on, but I find innocence a turn on too, and they rarely come in the same package. Turn-off? Arrogence, someone thats been around too much. First kiss? *ahem* If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest in dating you, how would you feel? Hmmm... I'd have to let them know... soon... I could never force feelings... and although it could possibly work over time, I'd know that from the beginning... Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or going "blind"? I need to know someone before dating them... how retarded... Have you ever wished it was more "socially acceptable" for a girl to ask a guy out? Sometimes, we have all the hard jobs... most girls I know wouldn't be afraid to ask though... and most guys I know are happy to accept... of course this is Australia, not America where this was made... Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking? I guess when I make the effort to look good (which isn't often) they might... What is best about the opposite sex? Thier wisdom... definately thier wisdom... What is the worst thing about the opposite sex? Moody little critters aren't they... Do you read porn? Read Porn... admittedly I have... but as the question inadvertantly suggests, I read it, I did not look at it. Which means that it's words and not pictures... and thats all it was, words... of course then Mills and Boon novels are considered pornographic so take of this what you will... Read the articles? Never bought a porn mag, never read one, tho I remember someone having one as a child, mabye Simon. Just the pics? *shakes head* What's the last present someone gave you? Uhmm... Nan bought me the compy I'm working on now for my 21st. I love her. Are you in love? Not at the moment, I miss it though... What would you do if you were walking down the street and saw some hot guy/girl standing on the sidewalk? Probably laugh at how unattainable they were, perve quietly for a moment and then walk off with a giant grin on my face like I always do. > :) WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON... - - - - - That haunted you? Aunty Paula You wanted to kill? Fucking Dan... grrrr... what you did to me was wrong, what you did to Alan was cruel, and what you did to Dixie was fucking inexcusable... That you laughed at? Jassi... sorry dude, your exceptionally funny... That laughed at you? Prob Jassi... he finds my innane life amusing sometimes... he laughs at my misfortunes... That turned you on? Hmmm... honestly... prolly Dan... but I'm over it... You went shopping with? Jassi... like an hour ago... To disappoint you? Dan To ask you out? Justine... To make you cry? Nell... To brighten up your day? Ned That you thought about? Nell You saw a movie with? Jassi and I went and saw "War of the Worlds" You talked to on the phone? Ned, when he saved me from my stalker... You talked to through IM/ICQ? Nell who is patiently and desperately waiting for this You saw? The Jas-Master - - - - - RIGHT THIS MOMENT... - - - - - Are you going out tonight? Been out a few times... Will it be with your significant other? I don't have a significant other... Or some random person? Yup, the roomie... What are you wearing right now? Jeans, Jack of Skulls top and my black 3/4 overcoat... Body-part you're touching right now: Actually, none of my peices are touching any other peices... I'm sitting rather generically... What are you worried about right now? Nell... Book you're reading? The Stage 5 English Syllabus. Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling: Tired, Worried, Focused, Turbulent, Lost. Are you bored? Not really... Are you tired? Yeah... more than a little... Are you talking to anyone online? The little green man flashes yellow every so often, so yes. Are you talking to anyone on the phone? Between the start and the finish of this, both Chris and Ned have called.. Are you lonely or content? Lonely... I have company, and I have friends, but I definately feel lonely... Are you listening to music? No... the 80's music from the Indians has stopped thankfully, tho now they are listening to an Indian Movie up loud. Lucky I lived in a zoo for first year...

Ughh... I'm done... I can't even be fucked finding a decent quote... that took far longer than I expected. Precisely 3 hours from start to finish. Whoa...

FallenPhoenix